Turns out it didn't go so well.

As you know, I had the dreaded conversation with my sister about a week ago. I thought it went well. I respected her, and agreed to disagree, if you will. She seemed to understand what I was saying and my need for boundaries. I was firmer than I had ever been with her, and did tell her some of the nonsense that my mother has been up to recently- aka- emailing my MIL suggesting that I am mentally unstable. She showed no genuine concern for the fact that my mother is lying about me behind my back, and only expressed anger at my MIL for showing me what my mom was up to.

During our phone conversation, my sister had mentioned that she had wanted to send me a letter- of what? Well...I was about to find out. I guess our conversation didn't go so well after all! I received an email from my sister. It started out nice enough, but soon turned sour. She began asking me AGAIN why I chose to go no contact with my mom. "I just don't understand why you won't let her see your daughter. Why you won't let her see you." It escalated from there to accusing me AGAIN of being unforgiving, vindictive and mean.  She then went so far as to say that I can't just walk away and expect for them to welcome me back with open arms, as if I didn't hurt people in the process. But again, she showed no concern for the fact that I had been hurt by my mother and thus decided to not participate in family functions. She only showed concern for my mother- who clearly is playing the victim quite well. It was clear that my sister was not understanding me. Now, mind you, up until this point, I had explained myself 4 times- via text message, over the phone and in email. What else can I say? It became evident that she was not interested any longer in what I had to say- but in being right.

I explained to her in further detail what it means to have a boundary and keep a boundary. I explained to her that it would actually be cruel and unkind if I said "hey mom, no contact for now, okay?" and then chose to contact her whenever I wanted, sending her gifts, messages etc. because I would actually be violating my own boundary. I explained to her that I didn't do any of these things to be mean, but to be as clear as possible about where I stand in the relationship. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall.

I told her that I felt like she was really disappointed in my decision, and that she had made up her mind about me and my decisions and was not happy about it. I told her I was sorry for that, but the boundary isn't changing. It finally came out that she was resentful of me for not meeting her expectations of my role as my mother's daughter. I told her that I was sorry for not meeting her expectations, but I could not make her more comfortable with my decision, and perhaps she would need to discuss that with a counselor. She agreed, and stated something to the effect "I just don't know what to do to make the hurt go away." Well, for starters, look at the actual source of the pain! Don't look at me. Blame shifting will get you no where, but is a sure fire way to ruin relationships in a speedy manner.

Oy. My husband was not pleased that she wasn't backing down. I then received an email from my mother saying "just so you know, I haven't been telling people that you are mentally ill...I don't know who told you that." Ummm...where did she get that nice little tidbit? I know for a fact my friends aren't calling my mom telling her that piece of information. So, that leaves one person- my sister. When my sister and I had talked on the phone, I asked her straight out if she was sharing information with my mom, because there were a few instances where mom would email or text me and immediately after I had shared something with my sister. She said she had not...well, it appears then that she is lying.

My husband said "that's it. I'm talking to your sister. I'm sick and tired of this game they are playing against you." I wasn't really thrilled with the idea, but if he had an issue with my sister, then he had a right to address it.

He laid it out for her. He was firm, but truthful- and that's exactly what she needed- a big fat dose of truth. I won't get into all the details, but you can probably guess that my sis was NOOOOOOOTT happy. She texted me the next day saying "I don't understand how you can condone such abusive and ridiculous behavior from your husband." So, she considers my husband standing in for me, addressing the fact that she needs to seriously consider that mom is mentally ill and stop blaming me for what is my mother's fault abusive, but doesn't consider my mom's ill treatment of me to be abusive? That's interesting...I told her I hadn't read my husband's letter, but if she had an issue with him, I know he would be glad to discuss it and work it out. She then got angry that I didn't apologize for what my husband said (I did go back and read the letter- there was nothing inappropriate or unkind in the letter), and angry that I was supporting him. She stated that she would NEVER condone her husband to writing  a letter like that behind her back. I told her that "If your husband had an issue with me, he has every right to bring that to my attention. That is all my husband was doing here." She didn't back down, and I was about to shut the conversation down, when she said "Well, I think we just need to not talk for a while." I said "yeah, I think that's best."

Alllllll of that shows me a few things:
1. My sister and I want two different things. She does not seem to be okay with my decisions and it feels like she is trying to intimidate me into changing my decision to make her more comfortable.
2. When under pressure, she reminds me a little too much of my mother. She went straight to character attacks when she was upset instead of acknowledging our different opinions and making peace with that.
3. She is lying to me- which shows me that she might not be a safe or trustworthy person either. 
4. My family has some serious issues with communication. Not the least of which is triangulation and blame shifting.

I think my sister is probably feeling the pressure of my mom's behavior. I know that mom is talking about me to her, and knowing how much my mom perseverates on an issue, I wouldn't be surprised if it is the majority of what she is talking about. My sister does not seem to be aware that my mother's mental health is a serious issue, that she ought to take concern with that, and as such, does not seem to be able to understand the evil my mom is capable of, and is now taking my mother's side.


As much as this behavior from my sister doesn't surprise me, I am deeply hurt that she would reject my perspective, devalue my feelings and ultimately throw the relationship away all because she can't seem to keep herself out of the middle of an already complicated relationship.
 

There's something in your PEE!!!

I was trying to think of a humourous title instead of using some medical jargon that will make people not want to read any further. I sought the care of a naturapath 1 1/2 years ago because I wasn't getting good treatment or any significant answers from my medical doctor. Being on the other side of the stethescope has profoundly changed the way I not only give care to my patients but also how I think about the human body. I am incredibly grateful for my NP and his team. I don't really want to think of the mess I would be in had I not found him.

Anyway, about a month ago, he decided to do some more testing to see if there was some underlying cause for my inability to eliminate copper. For some background information, copper is found in foods we eat such as nuts, avocados, etc. It is a normal and healthy substance that we need for many bodily functions. However, some people do not eliminate copper effectively and it builds up in the liver, gut and brain. When this happens, it begins to inhibit a whole slew of other processes. It acts as a stimulant on the brain, often leading to mood swings, angry outbursts, inability to focus, insomnia, anxiety and depression. It destroys neurons...you can imagine that over any length of time, the damage might be irreparable. I've read several articles stating that patients with Alzheimers, Autism, Lou Gherig's disease, Parkinsons and Schizophrenia ALL have extremely high levels of serum copper.

So, that is one issue I have. However, through naturopathic treatment, this has much improved.  You need zinc to help eliminate copper because they compete with eachother. You also need Zinc to help build neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, etc.

My labs came back as high histamine, low zinc in relation to the copper (its important to note that it is the ratio of the copper to zinc that is important, vs the actual numerical value), copper was high and...DRUMROLL PLEASE...I have pyroluria.

What is pyroluria? I had never heard of it, but when I read up on it, I fit the symptoms almost to a tee. There is a natural waste product from hemoglobin called kryptopyrolles. Most people just excrete them in the urine, but in people with pyroluria, the pyroles bind to zinc and vitamin B6 and make them unavailable to the body. As I said before, zinc and B6 are essential for neurotransmiter function, so it makes a whole lot of sense that most of the symptoms would be neurological, however, many people with pyroluria have issues with their thyroid, sunburn easily, have acne, arthritis, and many of them become vegetarians due to the zinc deficiency and inability to break down animal proteins. Having pyroluria makes one fairly intolerant to stress as it is not eliminated properly from the body and is stored in tissues or the brain.

Pyroluria seems to be genetically passed down, but whether that gene is "turned on" or not (epigenetics), seems to be determined by stress, trauma, frequent childhood infections, etc.

Treatment is fairly easy, and it should just be a matter of time before the deficit is corrected. HALLELUJAH! I am soooo grateful for a thorough doctor who doesn't give up when the symptoms of dysfunction seem to persist. My naturapath is now my first go to, instead of my pcp.

To introduce myself...

Well, to start off with, I am a wife to my best friend, and mother to one beautiful 5 month old girl. She lights up my life in ways I didn't know were possible. She is my joy, and I am reminded of God's love and grace for me every time I look at her beautiful face. My purpose in writing this blog is to process things for myself, but also to share my journey with the Lord, share my story of His mercy and ultimately to bring others to know Him.

This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.

On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.

He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.

It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.

She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.

During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!

It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.

It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.

It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead.  It makes absolutely no sense.

I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."

I will go into more detail about that later...