Haven't written here in a while. Lots of things going on! My mom and I are on much better terms, and I feel like I'm no longer walking around with a lead weight on my chest due to unforgiveness and unresolved anger. I didn't realize how negative I was and how much I let that unresolved hurt dictate my life and thoughts until they were gone. Forgiveness is truly a gift!
I have fought God on this journey that I very much did not want to take. When we ask for healing, we don't always get to choose His method- but His method is ALWAYS what is best for us. I would very much have preferred to pretend none of the hurt happened and just keep going on as normal...or rather, abnormal. Ignorance is bliss right? Wrong! Ignorance can actually lead to a lot of harm if we aren't careful.
Through this process of forgiveness and healing, I have learned a lot about myself. I am slowly putting together the pieces of my wounded past and allowing God to show me how it affects me in my daily life NOW, so I can continue to put it behind me and truly be who He has called me to be.
When I was 13, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This was not long after my sister was diagnosed with the same disorder. I was completely debilitated by this disorder- and by debilitated, I mean non functioning. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't clean my room. I lost all of my friends- and believe me, jr high is a terrible time to be friendless! Back then, the only treatment was to be put on antidepressants and go through cognitive behavioral therapy to retrain my brain. Over the course of a year, the damage was slowly repaired and I began to function more normally again, but the fear remained of this happening again- and if it is genetic like they claim, then what about my future children? So much fear in fact, that I told God several years ago, that I would not have children if they were going to have to suffer the same thing I did. The Lord quickly led me to a verse in Isaiah- "all of your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace." I still struggle to fully believe this in faith sometimes., but I choose to nonetheless : )
By His grace, I am well- not 100% yet, but getting there. I have seasons where I struggle more with anxiety than others, but I am learning how to live in freedom, and that takes work! God is slowly undoing the damage done to my heart and to my mind. I used to think that anxiety was all spiritual (and I believe a great deal of it is), but sometimes it is the negative effect that life has had on us. I have learned over the last 6 months that neglect, chronic childhood stress, and abuse actually change the way your brain functions. Children who are left to "cry it out" have smaller emotion centers of their brain- leading not only to mood disorders, but learning disorders as well. In the same way, children who are neglected, abused, or malnourished suffer long term, negative effects on their brain function. I have learned that genetically I was predisposed due to my parent's disorders, but that the unstabile and chaotic environment we were raised in left us open to fear, anxiety and depression. In other words, there were very natural causes to my anxiety as well as spiritual strongholds that needed to be demolished.
It was and is hard for me to accept that I still struggle with this from time to time, meaning that I am delivered on a continual basis. Daily submitting my mind, my heart and struggles to Jesus. For me, this has meant a combination of "treatments": counseling, brain therapy, homeopathic medicine to get my thyroid, adrenal gland and hormones back in order, totally changing out diet from processed food to all organic, gluten and dairy free...but let me tell you what- I am no longer foggy! I didn't know I was foggy until I wasn't anymore. It's a good feeling to know that you are feeding your body good things, instead of destroying it with garbage.
I feel like there needs to be more understanding in the church about these things. I often have gotten the impression to just 'pray through it...you just need to worship more...how much are you in the word?" All of which are condemning messages that you must not be doing enough or you wouldn't be struggling. To be honest, I'm sure that in my ignorance I have also given that impression to others- God forgive me! Don't get me wrong, reading the word, worship and prayer must have a place, otherwise the healing is incomplete. HOWEVER- we are mind, body and spirit. When one is out of balance, the others will be as well. Many women suffer from horrible anxiety before their period simply due to hormone imbalances, yet these easily fixable natural things are overlooked, causing a sense of shame and condemnation over what are natural struggles. I have read many articles stating that many women simply do not recover from post-partum depression without some sort of intervention- sometimes this is a serotonin problem, but more often than not it's the adrenals and thyroid- it is NOT an indication of one's faith level or love for the Lord! As my doctor says "Science and religion should interdigitate, not be put into two separate boxes." Meaning that where one ends, the other begins. The word says that the heavens declare the glory of God-that everything God created declares his handiwork so that man is without excuse. The intricacies of the functioning of our body and brain are EVIDENCE of the creators hand- even in their dysfunctions :) The fact that the ph (acidity) of your blood has to be right in between 6.8 and 7.8 for ALL bodily functions to work properly is a perfect example of God's creative order and the importance of balance. Even one degree to the right or left shifts entire systems, putting stress on organs until it is put back into order.
Back to my paranoid fear of my children having disorders- I have chosen to meet this and overcome with faith, all the while understanding the genetic component and reality of what it is. If I can, I ought to address as much as possible in the natural. As I said, many brain dysfunctions are now being linked to vitamin/mineral deficiencies and gluten intolerance, among other things. So I asked my daughters naturopath what we can do to prevent this. Her answer was AWESOME! She explained to me that many of the things we are already doing- providing an organic diet that is rich in fatty acids (brain protectors), probiotics to protect the gut, vitamins and minerals are all going to affect her positively- and the most important, creating security and stability in her world so that she grows up secure, independent and safe. Somehow knowing that I can be proactive helps me to not wig out so much about this- I am human, after all ; )
I hope you can take what I have learned the hard way, and minister to your body, mind AND spirit. God bless you today!
