Mother's Day and my crazy family of origin

Mother's day brings a mixed bag of emotions for me. For those those who haven't been following me for long, I am currently not in relationship with my mother. I went no contact about a year ago, and I celebrate mother's day very differently than I did in years past. I used to try to ignore the dread that would fill my heart, mind and body as I would walk down the card aisle and try to find a card that fit. There is no card that says "Happy Mother's day...I love you because I'm called to." I would inevitably go for the blank card in which I would then think of things that I loved about my mother without having to say "Thanks for being the best mom in the world"...because that was something I still cannot say.

About 2 weeks ago, my grandmother (my mom's mom) began calling me daily. I haven't heard from her in months. I figured something was up and though I was filled with dread at having to talk to her on the phone, knowing she would likely try to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, I called her. My mother's cancer is back. She said she wanted to know how involved I wanted to be. Believe it or not, after all the work I've done to heal- I still have a very hard time being honest and saying what I think when it comes to these women in my family. They intimidate the poo out of me on most occasions. So, I did what I "should" do and told her I wouldn't mind updates. In case it hasn't become readily apparent, the women in my family seem to have some confusion when it comes to boundaries. I didn't want daily updates- I'm not in a relationship with my mother, and her health status is no different than it was a year ago other than that instead of her being cured, the cancer has come back, but the prognosis is the same. Instead of telling my grandma the truth in confidence knowing I can make sound and wise decisions- I cowered and told her "sure, you can update me" when really I should have asked her to update my husband so he could be the filter. Well, I was not blunt and I paid for it. She called me EVERY DAY for 2 weeks. Now, keep in mind, I was already under tremendous strain due to the pregnancy complications, and was feeling overwhelmed as it was. I did not have the energy or desire to be dealing with this woman again.

I let every call go to voicemail- because I knew if I told her I needed my husband to take her calls, she would ask why- and I was not about to tell the queen of the family gossip mill that I was pregnant- my family would have jumped on that wagon like a swarm of bees to honey. No thank you. This apparently pissed her off, even though I kindly texted her and let her know I had been receiving medical updates from my brother and was well informed- that she didn't need to worry about keeping me in the loop. After a week and half of dodging her calls-again, simply because I was emotionally worn out and exhausted from pregnancy, my husband called her. Neither of us were prepared for her response. I was in the other room when my husband made the call, and I could immediately hear that my grandma was not happy that it was him and not me calling. I could hear her yelling at him through the phone...from the other room..."I will NOT go through a third party to speak to MY granddaughter. I have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment." My husband was like "what are you talking about? My wife simply asked me to call you because she is in the middle of taking care of some very important health issues...this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. She simply asked me to get the information from you." He then proceeded to ask her if she would give him the information so he could tell me. Her reply "no. she can call me when she is ready." Wow. I was stunned- although I really shouldn't have been. This is not at all outside of the norm of behavior in our family.

To say I'm had it with dealing with these crazy ladies is a vast understatement. I cannot describe the level of exhaustion I feel when it comes to dealing with them.  I then received a text message from one of my close friends. It was a screen shot of a message that my sister (who is not friends with her and has only met her once) sent to her. My sister was asking this friend if she had noticed any "strange behavior" in me or my husband over the last 6 months as she was very "concerned" that my husband had become controlling and was somehow making me do all these "crazy" things, as she had observed him to become controlling in the last 6 months. I believe in her mind, me standing up for myself and not putting up with their awful behavior is considered crazy. My whole family seems to think that my husband protecting me on certain issues means that he is feeding me lies and forcing opinions and making me step away from the family. They couldn't be farther from the truth!!! I just laughed and shook my head. Why? Well...I haven't spoken to my sister in over 6 months. She hasn't seen me or my husband in almost a year. So, how could she have observed abusive and controlling behavior on the part of my husband if she has seen neither of us in that 6 month period of time that she is claiming to have observed this??? Interesting isn't it...

I had two choices- I could ignore this and let her continue to believe she was getting away with talking to others behind my back and thinking I had no idea, or I could address it head on and attempt to put a stop to her shenanigans. I was not responding with any real sense of hope that she would internalize any of this and have a change of heart- I was doing this for me. After being silent and just taking the emotional beatings for years upon years, It is important for me to recognize the times when I can say something and it be beneficial only for me.  I decided on the latter. I messaged my sister and pointed out that indeed her message to my friend was vastly inappropriate because she was attempting to come across as caring and concerned, when in fact, she had left out numerous details in an attempt to lead my friend astray and make me look bad.  I pointed out that I thought it very strange that she claimed to have observed controlling behavior on the part of my husband in the last 6 months when she hadn't seen or spoken to either of us during that time. I also explained to her that my husband has not forced my hand or opinion in any matter. I have a mind of my own. I am of sound mind (how many times do I have to say it?!). I make my own decisions and my husband backs me up. I allow him to stand in and protect me when he feels the need to do that- which is both biblical and GOOD. I explained to her that she could think what she wanted of me and there was nothing I could do to change that, but that she was essentially calling good evil and evil good and that simply did not work for me because it was destroying any chance of a healthy relationship between us. I explained to her that if she wanted to stay and continue the family's way of "loving" and doing things, I would not stop her...but I had had it with her trying to drag me back into the pit that I have spent years trying to climb out of. I told her that I loved her- deeply, that I saw a better way for her in which she could be free and healthy and whole, but that the way she was doing things was, again, in no way healthy and I didn't see how there could be relationship between us when she continued to sabotage it with destructive behavior.

I do not want to come across as lacking compassion or empathy, both for my mom's illness and my other family members state of mind. I really don't know what I'm going to do in regards to my mother, other than that I will wait until I hear a word from the Lord. He has been beyond clear and adament that I stay put- I am not to have contact with her right now. Until I hear otherwise- even though I'm terrified of the backlash I will receive- I will stay put. In regards to my sister- I have a pretty strong sense as to what she is acting out of  and truthfully, it breaks my heart.  I want so desperately for her to be free. But there is something that I have learned the very painful and hard way and that is that sometimes our empathy is wasted on people who have no desire to to change or pursue life and wholeness. They are hell bent on destruction and are willing to take anyone and everyone down with them.  We can follow Jesus's example and ask for discernment as to the hard situations in which we are called to stay, and the equally as hard (if not more so) situations in which we are called to leave and pursue all that He has for us.

I'm feeling pretty worn out- with the miscarriage, and my family's crazy, unrelenting pursuit of me. I have actually considered entering the witness protection program, but apparently that's not something you can just walk in and sign up for...sigh...

She's at it again.

It's been a while since I've posted. As I've mentioned, I wrote a letter and explained in the kindest, most detailed way possible, that I am taking a break from my mother. Her behavior continues to be destructive, and I cannot grow and heal in that relationship with her. I knew when I made this decision that there was a very real possibility of an uprising of sorts from my siblings. I did not inform them that I was sending this letter, for several reasons. I knew they would eventually find out and I didn't want them getting any more involved than they already were.

I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.

Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook?  I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:

       Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. If someone rapes you, would you invite   them over for christmas dinner? My guess is probably not. But would you be able to forgive them? If you chose to, then yes. To forgive someone means to release them from the debt they owe you, and to bless them. This is a process, not an event. It takes time and guidance to move through the emotions necessary to releasing an offender, ESPECIALLY if there is repeated offense. Reconciliation is dependent on both parties- forgiveness takes one party. Forgiveness is necessary for your own healing but does not mean that you will automatically reconcile. As in the case with my mother, she has continually shown me that she is not a healthy person, and she is not interested in entering into a mutually healthy relationship, therefore, reconciliation is not possible under those terms. 

And then I did something I have needed to do for years: I spoke my truth. I asked my sister point blank "What in my actions has been unforgiving? Have I ever unleashed my rage upon my mother, tearing her down emotionally or speaking maliciously about her? Have I messaged her friends telling her how awful she is? Have I falsely accused her and lied about her behind her back? Not once. Never. I have never tried to retaliate for what she has done." Her response "I don't know what to say." Well, good. At least I got her thinking. 

This issue between my mother has brought up some interesting dynamics. Dynamics that have probably always been there, they were just masked under other things. It seems that my siblings are experiencing the pressure that I have felt from my mom all these years now that I am not in the picture to absorb it, or take the brunt of it. It is obvious to me that they are held under some control she has over them- I know what that is because I was once in that place. I have one brother who is blaming me for the family falling apart. One sister who is in denial and is accusing me of things she has no evidence of. It is super painful. I don't even know what to do with how I feel right now. Everything I feared is happening. Which brings up a good question: knowing it would go this far, would I change my decision? No. I don't even have to think twice about this one. Why? For me, it comes down to what I can tolerate. I can tolerate, to some extent, being rejected for doing what I feel is right, being chosen over and ignored. I can deal with that. What I CANNOT tolerate is being lied to, being made to feel like I don't exist except to make a person happy, being talked down to and about behind my back. And all of this by my own mother...I won't say "yes" to that. So this pain-it is unfortunate. It is sad. I wish it didn't have to be. But it has only validated my decision.

Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html