Dealing with disappointment in God

First, let me preface and say that I am by NO means calling myself an expert, or claiming that I have this thing down. I am sharing-very humbly- from a place that has been more painful than probably anything else I've experienced, and how I'm learning to move through it- imperfectly.

Disappointment. We've all been there at one time or another. And, I am fairly certain that it won't be the last time in the course of our earthly lives. We get disappointed when a tire pops on the freeway and we have to use all our savings to fix the car, when a child flunks out of school and has to redo that grade all over again, when someone fails us, we lose a job, a pregnancy, a loved one. You catch my drift. There can be a million different reasons why we land in the place of disappointment.

I want to touch on what we do when we become disappointed in God. It's not something Ive heard talked about much in church, or among leaders even. I've heard various verses thrown around "he gives and takes away", or "His ways are not our ways"- and all of those things are true- but that doesn't do much to change the fact that there is a rift and we don't know how to fix it. I know that I myself could barely admit that I have been there on more than one occasion. Almost like if I said it out loud, a bolt of lightening from heaven would come and strike me dead.

I have had certain expectations of God. Expectations I didn't know I had. I expected that since I'd already suffered so much, that I had met my quota and would suffer no more. I expected that my service to him during different seasons meant I wouldn't lose. In essence, it was all about religion. A series of deposits should equal a certain number of withdrawals, right? I had no idea what I was missing out on- relationally. He had so much more to give me.

Well, I hit a place recently with the miscarriages of tremendous pain, anger and resentment towards God. I was unwilling to admit it for fear I might collapse. Just poof- disappear into oblivion. You see- I KNOW that God is all I have. If I'm mad at him, then what hope do I have? What chance do I have of resolving my disappointment with a sovereign God who is by his very nature, GOOD? I knew something needed to be resolved. I knew there was a big wall in between him and me, and I wanted more than anything for that to be removed.

I met with a woman who I go to somewhat regularly for prayer ministry, and basically just sat down and told her where I was at. I wasn't sure how I got here. I felt tremendously confused and shaken to my core. I thought I was doing fine and then BAM. I hit a huge wall. We started praying and I asked God to show me the wall. I immediately saw a thick cement wall. I knew the wall was built of pain and disappointment. I knew that I had built the wall- unknowingly. I didn't know how to tear it down. We asked Jesus to show us how to take the wall down. I saw Him climb over the wall and embrace me and I began to weep. I was unable to contain the sorrow I had locked away in my heart. I understood that he wasn't asking me to change how I felt, but rather bring all of that stuff to him.

This wall had been built a long time ago in response to pain. It was built to protect me, and it did a fine job up until the point where it was no longer necessary or HEALTHY for me to keep it there.

All of a sudden I saw Jesus kneeling at my feet. He was asking me to forgive him for not healing me. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt in that moment. Me? Forgive Jesus? Jesus did nothing wrong...but my heart needed to forgive him for not meeting my expectation. For allowing me to experience such tremendous heartache that I feared it would consume me. The forgiveness was for me- and it was so he and I could continue to enjoy unbroken relationship. I felt his deep sorrow for my loss. I felt his compassion. I know that there was not a moment of this process that he has left me alone and without help.

What does it mean to forgive Jesus? Well, I'm going to take an excerpt from "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge:
    "Forgive God? This idea is going to cause some readers to freak out. Just listen for a moment. If     
    you are holding something in your heart against Jesus- the loss of someone you love, a painful 
    memory from your past, simply the way your life has turned out- if you are holding that against 
    Jesus, well then, it is between you and Jesus. . And no amount of ignoring it or being faithful in 
    other areas of your life is going to make it go away. In order to move forward, you are going to 
    have to forgive Jesus for whatever these things are.... To forgive a person, we pardon a wrong 
   done to us. 'forgiving' Jesus means to release the hurt and resentment we hold against him. This 
   comes BEFORE understanding.  We don't often know why things have happened the way they have 
   in our lives. What we do know is that we were hurt, and part of that hurt is toward Jesus, because 
   in our hearts we believe he let it happen.  Again, this is not the time for sifting theological nuances, 
   but this is why it is so important for you to look at the world the way Jesus did- as a vicious battle  
   with evil. When you understand that you have an enemy that has hated your guts ever since you 
   were a child, it will help you not to blame this stuff on God. Anyhow, the facts are it happened, we 
   are hurt, and part of us believes Jesus should have done something about it, and didn't. That is why 
   we need to 'forgive' him. We do so in order that this part of us can draw near him again and receive 
   his love."

What I gleaned from that time of prayer is to let Jesus in. Let him in to all the disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness. It is proving to be an interesting process- given that I've spent a large majority of my life avoiding pain. Avoiding "ugly" emotions. Well, it seems, I'm no longer being allowed to do that. It does no good to avoid or pretend- only that which we expose to the presence of God can truly be changed or healed.

The other thing I want to address here is focus. Again- this is coming from a place of humility in saying that I am stumbling along trying to figure this out just as much as the next guy. But I want to say this: When it comes to dealing with disappointment, no matter what it is from, and we are tempted to believe that God won't be faithful or that He won't bring us through, I am learning to do what God commanded the Israelites to do as they were on their way to the promised land: Remember what he has done. Make an alter- figuratively speaking- of every place He has come through for you. If you have to write it out in a list, then do it. I've noticed when I choose to thank God for what I can, relying on the Holy Spirit to remind me of all those instances where God has come through in big and small ways, it causes my faith to rise up, and my fears to be silenced.

She's at it again.

It's been a while since I've posted. As I've mentioned, I wrote a letter and explained in the kindest, most detailed way possible, that I am taking a break from my mother. Her behavior continues to be destructive, and I cannot grow and heal in that relationship with her. I knew when I made this decision that there was a very real possibility of an uprising of sorts from my siblings. I did not inform them that I was sending this letter, for several reasons. I knew they would eventually find out and I didn't want them getting any more involved than they already were.

I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.

Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook?  I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:

       Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. If someone rapes you, would you invite   them over for christmas dinner? My guess is probably not. But would you be able to forgive them? If you chose to, then yes. To forgive someone means to release them from the debt they owe you, and to bless them. This is a process, not an event. It takes time and guidance to move through the emotions necessary to releasing an offender, ESPECIALLY if there is repeated offense. Reconciliation is dependent on both parties- forgiveness takes one party. Forgiveness is necessary for your own healing but does not mean that you will automatically reconcile. As in the case with my mother, she has continually shown me that she is not a healthy person, and she is not interested in entering into a mutually healthy relationship, therefore, reconciliation is not possible under those terms. 

And then I did something I have needed to do for years: I spoke my truth. I asked my sister point blank "What in my actions has been unforgiving? Have I ever unleashed my rage upon my mother, tearing her down emotionally or speaking maliciously about her? Have I messaged her friends telling her how awful she is? Have I falsely accused her and lied about her behind her back? Not once. Never. I have never tried to retaliate for what she has done." Her response "I don't know what to say." Well, good. At least I got her thinking. 

This issue between my mother has brought up some interesting dynamics. Dynamics that have probably always been there, they were just masked under other things. It seems that my siblings are experiencing the pressure that I have felt from my mom all these years now that I am not in the picture to absorb it, or take the brunt of it. It is obvious to me that they are held under some control she has over them- I know what that is because I was once in that place. I have one brother who is blaming me for the family falling apart. One sister who is in denial and is accusing me of things she has no evidence of. It is super painful. I don't even know what to do with how I feel right now. Everything I feared is happening. Which brings up a good question: knowing it would go this far, would I change my decision? No. I don't even have to think twice about this one. Why? For me, it comes down to what I can tolerate. I can tolerate, to some extent, being rejected for doing what I feel is right, being chosen over and ignored. I can deal with that. What I CANNOT tolerate is being lied to, being made to feel like I don't exist except to make a person happy, being talked down to and about behind my back. And all of this by my own mother...I won't say "yes" to that. So this pain-it is unfortunate. It is sad. I wish it didn't have to be. But it has only validated my decision.

Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html

The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!

What is that warm feeling?

Not sure how to begin this post...But I have noticed a change in my heart...a feeling I thought would NEVER come. I'm not sure how to describe it but I'll try. Your heart only has so much space- if it is filled with bitterness, rage, anger, hurt and pain, there is little room for love...and vice versa. Walking through the process (I underline process because it can't be emphasized enough) of forgiveness, I feared letting the ickiness out for fear it would consume me...for fear that it would not STOP coming out, and for fear of what God would ask me to do if I actually did forgive my mom (you mean I have to love her too?!).

In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.

My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!

I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God  (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.

This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!

Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).

What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!

Be blessed today.

I never thought I'd make it...

You have heard me gripe and complain about my family life- and I want you to know that I share not because I want to talk badly about my mother, but rather, I feel my story is important...everyone has their story, and I feel it ought to be shared! It's not to rat my mother out as some horrible awful person...because she isn't! it's to free up my soul of the pain of the past so I can run FULLY in the present.

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally. 

I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.

I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.

At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide?  So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.

She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.

Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.

The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first.  There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.

Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.

My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.

Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.

I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.

Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.