Mother's day brings a mixed bag of emotions for me. For those those who haven't been following me for long, I am currently not in relationship with my mother. I went no contact about a year ago, and I celebrate mother's day very differently than I did in years past. I used to try to ignore the dread that would fill my heart, mind and body as I would walk down the card aisle and try to find a card that fit. There is no card that says "Happy Mother's day...I love you because I'm called to." I would inevitably go for the blank card in which I would then think of things that I loved about my mother without having to say "Thanks for being the best mom in the world"...because that was something I still cannot say.
About 2 weeks ago, my grandmother (my mom's mom) began calling me daily. I haven't heard from her in months. I figured something was up and though I was filled with dread at having to talk to her on the phone, knowing she would likely try to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, I called her. My mother's cancer is back. She said she wanted to know how involved I wanted to be. Believe it or not, after all the work I've done to heal- I still have a very hard time being honest and saying what I think when it comes to these women in my family. They intimidate the poo out of me on most occasions. So, I did what I "should" do and told her I wouldn't mind updates. In case it hasn't become readily apparent, the women in my family seem to have some confusion when it comes to boundaries. I didn't want daily updates- I'm not in a relationship with my mother, and her health status is no different than it was a year ago other than that instead of her being cured, the cancer has come back, but the prognosis is the same. Instead of telling my grandma the truth in confidence knowing I can make sound and wise decisions- I cowered and told her "sure, you can update me" when really I should have asked her to update my husband so he could be the filter. Well, I was not blunt and I paid for it. She called me EVERY DAY for 2 weeks. Now, keep in mind, I was already under tremendous strain due to the pregnancy complications, and was feeling overwhelmed as it was. I did not have the energy or desire to be dealing with this woman again.
I let every call go to voicemail- because I knew if I told her I needed my husband to take her calls, she would ask why- and I was not about to tell the queen of the family gossip mill that I was pregnant- my family would have jumped on that wagon like a swarm of bees to honey. No thank you. This apparently pissed her off, even though I kindly texted her and let her know I had been receiving medical updates from my brother and was well informed- that she didn't need to worry about keeping me in the loop. After a week and half of dodging her calls-again, simply because I was emotionally worn out and exhausted from pregnancy, my husband called her. Neither of us were prepared for her response. I was in the other room when my husband made the call, and I could immediately hear that my grandma was not happy that it was him and not me calling. I could hear her yelling at him through the phone...from the other room..."I will NOT go through a third party to speak to MY granddaughter. I have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment." My husband was like "what are you talking about? My wife simply asked me to call you because she is in the middle of taking care of some very important health issues...this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. She simply asked me to get the information from you." He then proceeded to ask her if she would give him the information so he could tell me. Her reply "no. she can call me when she is ready." Wow. I was stunned- although I really shouldn't have been. This is not at all outside of the norm of behavior in our family.
To say I'm had it with dealing with these crazy ladies is a vast understatement. I cannot describe the level of exhaustion I feel when it comes to dealing with them. I then received a text message from one of my close friends. It was a screen shot of a message that my sister (who is not friends with her and has only met her once) sent to her. My sister was asking this friend if she had noticed any "strange behavior" in me or my husband over the last 6 months as she was very "concerned" that my husband had become controlling and was somehow making me do all these "crazy" things, as she had observed him to become controlling in the last 6 months. I believe in her mind, me standing up for myself and not putting up with their awful behavior is considered crazy. My whole family seems to think that my husband protecting me on certain issues means that he is feeding me lies and forcing opinions and making me step away from the family. They couldn't be farther from the truth!!! I just laughed and shook my head. Why? Well...I haven't spoken to my sister in over 6 months. She hasn't seen me or my husband in almost a year. So, how could she have observed abusive and controlling behavior on the part of my husband if she has seen neither of us in that 6 month period of time that she is claiming to have observed this??? Interesting isn't it...
I had two choices- I could ignore this and let her continue to believe she was getting away with talking to others behind my back and thinking I had no idea, or I could address it head on and attempt to put a stop to her shenanigans. I was not responding with any real sense of hope that she would internalize any of this and have a change of heart- I was doing this for me. After being silent and just taking the emotional beatings for years upon years, It is important for me to recognize the times when I can say something and it be beneficial only for me. I decided on the latter. I messaged my sister and pointed out that indeed her message to my friend was vastly inappropriate because she was attempting to come across as caring and concerned, when in fact, she had left out numerous details in an attempt to lead my friend astray and make me look bad. I pointed out that I thought it very strange that she claimed to have observed controlling behavior on the part of my husband in the last 6 months when she hadn't seen or spoken to either of us during that time. I also explained to her that my husband has not forced my hand or opinion in any matter. I have a mind of my own. I am of sound mind (how many times do I have to say it?!). I make my own decisions and my husband backs me up. I allow him to stand in and protect me when he feels the need to do that- which is both biblical and GOOD. I explained to her that she could think what she wanted of me and there was nothing I could do to change that, but that she was essentially calling good evil and evil good and that simply did not work for me because it was destroying any chance of a healthy relationship between us. I explained to her that if she wanted to stay and continue the family's way of "loving" and doing things, I would not stop her...but I had had it with her trying to drag me back into the pit that I have spent years trying to climb out of. I told her that I loved her- deeply, that I saw a better way for her in which she could be free and healthy and whole, but that the way she was doing things was, again, in no way healthy and I didn't see how there could be relationship between us when she continued to sabotage it with destructive behavior.
I do not want to come across as lacking compassion or empathy, both for my mom's illness and my other family members state of mind. I really don't know what I'm going to do in regards to my mother, other than that I will wait until I hear a word from the Lord. He has been beyond clear and adament that I stay put- I am not to have contact with her right now. Until I hear otherwise- even though I'm terrified of the backlash I will receive- I will stay put. In regards to my sister- I have a pretty strong sense as to what she is acting out of and truthfully, it breaks my heart. I want so desperately for her to be free. But there is something that I have learned the very painful and hard way and that is that sometimes our empathy is wasted on people who have no desire to to change or pursue life and wholeness. They are hell bent on destruction and are willing to take anyone and everyone down with them. We can follow Jesus's example and ask for discernment as to the hard situations in which we are called to stay, and the equally as hard (if not more so) situations in which we are called to leave and pursue all that He has for us.
I'm feeling pretty worn out- with the miscarriage, and my family's crazy, unrelenting pursuit of me. I have actually considered entering the witness protection program, but apparently that's not something you can just walk in and sign up for...sigh...
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Friday, April 5, 2013
Pleasant Places
It's been an interesting few weeks. I've had an odd sense of peace about something I've never been able to really fully consider, much less NOT be anxious about. The mother I've adopted as my own used to say "You'll know it's right because you'll have peace about it." The only problem is, I didn't have peace about the things other people would normally have peace about. I have struggled with fear most of my life, I still do, although the more intimately I know Jesus, the more that fear fades...Anyway, back to my point. I truly had no real grasp of what she meant by that.
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Individuating
I recently started reading "Boundaries" by two well known Christian authors, Cloud and Townsend. I had read the book 3 years ago, but I think I had very little grasp at what it all meant for me. It was difficult to digest at the time because I was at the very beginning of the process of understanding where I came from and the effect it has had on me.
I started reading it again, not to rehash the old stuff, but to address something new. There is a process that children go through from birth to age 3 that will form the foundation for every other relationship they will ever have. First, of course, is attachment. Where the baby bonds with mother and father (usually the mother first, then other caregivers), and learns that when they cry, their needs are attended to- even if the need is "just" to be loved. Then, around 9 months or so, baby begins the process of exploring and learning that it has a life away from mom- however, conflicts begin to arise because they still desperately need mom to survive. This continues and is called "hatching." You will often see during this stage that the infant moves away from mom, will look back at her to see what her response is, and either continue going or come back. You will also see the baby explore and seem happy and content being away, and then suddenly realize that they are separated from mom and want to be held close again. This revolving door of moving away and coming closer is essential to the baby learning trust in the caregiver: Both that they will be okay when separated, and in learning to trust that she will always return.
The differentiating/individuating stage is equally important, but a little more hostile. The child learns that she/he is fully separate from parents, both in wants and needs, and begins to seek where that boundary lies. Often, the word "no!" along with frequent tantrums is more common than peaceful, docile, moments- depending on the child. They are in constant search of discovering who they are apart from the caregiver, and at the very same time, they need loving boundaries, as well as parental praise that the child's independence and budding individuality is both acceptable and even welcome. For example, my little 2 year old (going on 15!) is discovering her own voice, and it is so very important for me to applaud that whenever I can, let her discover the world and show me by her behavior and actions what kind of boundaries she needs, as this will be different for every child. It is also important for me to praise her efforts to differentiate, and also welcome her with open arms when she decides she needs me. This individuating process happens again during adolescence when the child begins to question parents, beliefs, feelings, etc.
When this process is not allowed, welcomed or worse, is threatened by a caregiver, something profound and damaging happens. The child usually becomes overly compliant, never distinguishes that his/her own needs, desires or feelings are separate from the caregiver, and has a hard time knowing where boundaries should be placed. You may then see that that child grows up to be overly rigid with too many boundaries, or overly compliant with no internal boundaries. This also opens the door for other relational problems- enmeshment being one of the most destructive. This is what I experienced with my mother. I don't have memory of this happening as a toddler, per se, but most certainly when I was in jr high. I was the middle child, youngest daughter who was VERY compliant. My mother would often say that it always scared her that she didn't know what I was thinking or feeling- and my question then is "well, why didn't you ask?!" but, that's besides the point. My development was hindered during these stages for too many reasons to list, and just continued to get worse as I got older and continued down a path that my mom didn't like.
Love should never be withheld from a child during this stage- no matter how threatening their behavior appears. I'm not suggesting not placing any boundaries, but love and relationship and intimacy that is shared between a parent and the child should never be threatened as the child is learning to fly solo. This is not what happened in our household. There were many things I could not tell my parents, and it was very painful- because they were all good things. I couldn't trust my mom to keep any of my secrets, because you never knew when she would decide it was "her" story to tell and embarrass me. Not only that, but she would blatantly ignore me at family functions during a time when she was particularly displeased with me. This was confusing the say the least! And I had no internal boundaries with which I could say "that behavior is separate from me, I did not cause that", but instead, I internalized her behavior and believed "This must really be all my fault. If I hadn't confronted her bad behavior, she would still love me." When, in a healthy relationship, the love is never threatened or used as a bargaining chip to win affection. NOT EVER. It is a destroyer of trust at the very minimum, and stifles growth of both parties. But, it has happened to me more times than I can count.
This does not just affect that one relationship, but every relationship that I have. It affects how I view other women, especially mother figures. It affects how I view authority figures and how I view myself. The fear of rejection runs deep. And it affects the relationship that I need the most-my relationship with God. How does one learn how to view God? What happens when one parent abuses and the other ignores the abuse, and worse, doesn't confront the abuser? What happens when one parent uses the other parent to manipulate and control you? Your trust is nonexistent, and your view of God is warped- completely. You begin to view that God is both abusive and lacking compassion, neglectful, capricious, and only interested in what you can give him. You learn to believe that God is just waiting to hand down punishments for your wrongs, and that love is earned- yet unattainable. You are left in a place that unless your view of God changes drastically, you will not make it.
I would be lying if I said that I don't ever get angry about the above. I don't like it, and it's uncomfortable- especially since people who don't know me assume that they know more than I do about the situation, and if I would just "pray more" than I would be able to love my mother as I ought to. My wounds are invisible to the naked eye- but my husband and good friends know them well. God help us if this kind of thing would also be said to a battered wife or child! They assume that I must be hateful and unforgiving to not visit my mother who is undergoing chemotherapy, yet do not consider the risk involved in returning to an abuser too soon in the healing process. They almost always take her side- and when I tell them details, they are shocked- "your mother did WHAT? Your mother said WHAT?!" and then immediately turn around and say "isn't there some part of you that says that life is to short, and maybe you're missing out on something good?" And I can say no...there is not one part of me that thinks that. Not even one. And it is not out of anger, or bitterness or anything of that sort. It is because I do not live for her anymore. It is because I think life is too short to sacrifice everything I am and everything that God made me for to be in an unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but enabling someone who has a problem with manipulation and control is NOT fair to them, nor is it kind or loving. When we do that, we are also stifling their growth, and the potential that is there for them to use the pain to face the truth about themselves and their behaviors. The truth is that our actions have consequences and allowing someone to experience those consequences isn't a matter of being unloving or unkind. This is probably the most loving thing anyone has ever done for my mother: I told her the truth. And I stuck to my guns (with many people holding my hand), and I told her who I am even though she believes I am the opposite. As hard as it has been, I allowed her the kindness of owning the fall out, because when you say "I own everything I ever did to hurt you", you are also saying that you own the right that the other person has to walk away and pursue healing. And every person has the right to make that decision for themselves.
So, I've started the individuating process. It is scary, and I can tell you that even though my 2 year old can't tell me in words, I know exactly what she is going through. I've had to make myself notecards to carry around with me so that I can learn to be aware of my negative, battered thought processes and renew them with the love God has for me and the rights I now have as His Child.
I started reading it again, not to rehash the old stuff, but to address something new. There is a process that children go through from birth to age 3 that will form the foundation for every other relationship they will ever have. First, of course, is attachment. Where the baby bonds with mother and father (usually the mother first, then other caregivers), and learns that when they cry, their needs are attended to- even if the need is "just" to be loved. Then, around 9 months or so, baby begins the process of exploring and learning that it has a life away from mom- however, conflicts begin to arise because they still desperately need mom to survive. This continues and is called "hatching." You will often see during this stage that the infant moves away from mom, will look back at her to see what her response is, and either continue going or come back. You will also see the baby explore and seem happy and content being away, and then suddenly realize that they are separated from mom and want to be held close again. This revolving door of moving away and coming closer is essential to the baby learning trust in the caregiver: Both that they will be okay when separated, and in learning to trust that she will always return.
The differentiating/individuating stage is equally important, but a little more hostile. The child learns that she/he is fully separate from parents, both in wants and needs, and begins to seek where that boundary lies. Often, the word "no!" along with frequent tantrums is more common than peaceful, docile, moments- depending on the child. They are in constant search of discovering who they are apart from the caregiver, and at the very same time, they need loving boundaries, as well as parental praise that the child's independence and budding individuality is both acceptable and even welcome. For example, my little 2 year old (going on 15!) is discovering her own voice, and it is so very important for me to applaud that whenever I can, let her discover the world and show me by her behavior and actions what kind of boundaries she needs, as this will be different for every child. It is also important for me to praise her efforts to differentiate, and also welcome her with open arms when she decides she needs me. This individuating process happens again during adolescence when the child begins to question parents, beliefs, feelings, etc.
When this process is not allowed, welcomed or worse, is threatened by a caregiver, something profound and damaging happens. The child usually becomes overly compliant, never distinguishes that his/her own needs, desires or feelings are separate from the caregiver, and has a hard time knowing where boundaries should be placed. You may then see that that child grows up to be overly rigid with too many boundaries, or overly compliant with no internal boundaries. This also opens the door for other relational problems- enmeshment being one of the most destructive. This is what I experienced with my mother. I don't have memory of this happening as a toddler, per se, but most certainly when I was in jr high. I was the middle child, youngest daughter who was VERY compliant. My mother would often say that it always scared her that she didn't know what I was thinking or feeling- and my question then is "well, why didn't you ask?!" but, that's besides the point. My development was hindered during these stages for too many reasons to list, and just continued to get worse as I got older and continued down a path that my mom didn't like.
Love should never be withheld from a child during this stage- no matter how threatening their behavior appears. I'm not suggesting not placing any boundaries, but love and relationship and intimacy that is shared between a parent and the child should never be threatened as the child is learning to fly solo. This is not what happened in our household. There were many things I could not tell my parents, and it was very painful- because they were all good things. I couldn't trust my mom to keep any of my secrets, because you never knew when she would decide it was "her" story to tell and embarrass me. Not only that, but she would blatantly ignore me at family functions during a time when she was particularly displeased with me. This was confusing the say the least! And I had no internal boundaries with which I could say "that behavior is separate from me, I did not cause that", but instead, I internalized her behavior and believed "This must really be all my fault. If I hadn't confronted her bad behavior, she would still love me." When, in a healthy relationship, the love is never threatened or used as a bargaining chip to win affection. NOT EVER. It is a destroyer of trust at the very minimum, and stifles growth of both parties. But, it has happened to me more times than I can count.
This does not just affect that one relationship, but every relationship that I have. It affects how I view other women, especially mother figures. It affects how I view authority figures and how I view myself. The fear of rejection runs deep. And it affects the relationship that I need the most-my relationship with God. How does one learn how to view God? What happens when one parent abuses and the other ignores the abuse, and worse, doesn't confront the abuser? What happens when one parent uses the other parent to manipulate and control you? Your trust is nonexistent, and your view of God is warped- completely. You begin to view that God is both abusive and lacking compassion, neglectful, capricious, and only interested in what you can give him. You learn to believe that God is just waiting to hand down punishments for your wrongs, and that love is earned- yet unattainable. You are left in a place that unless your view of God changes drastically, you will not make it.
I would be lying if I said that I don't ever get angry about the above. I don't like it, and it's uncomfortable- especially since people who don't know me assume that they know more than I do about the situation, and if I would just "pray more" than I would be able to love my mother as I ought to. My wounds are invisible to the naked eye- but my husband and good friends know them well. God help us if this kind of thing would also be said to a battered wife or child! They assume that I must be hateful and unforgiving to not visit my mother who is undergoing chemotherapy, yet do not consider the risk involved in returning to an abuser too soon in the healing process. They almost always take her side- and when I tell them details, they are shocked- "your mother did WHAT? Your mother said WHAT?!" and then immediately turn around and say "isn't there some part of you that says that life is to short, and maybe you're missing out on something good?" And I can say no...there is not one part of me that thinks that. Not even one. And it is not out of anger, or bitterness or anything of that sort. It is because I do not live for her anymore. It is because I think life is too short to sacrifice everything I am and everything that God made me for to be in an unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but enabling someone who has a problem with manipulation and control is NOT fair to them, nor is it kind or loving. When we do that, we are also stifling their growth, and the potential that is there for them to use the pain to face the truth about themselves and their behaviors. The truth is that our actions have consequences and allowing someone to experience those consequences isn't a matter of being unloving or unkind. This is probably the most loving thing anyone has ever done for my mother: I told her the truth. And I stuck to my guns (with many people holding my hand), and I told her who I am even though she believes I am the opposite. As hard as it has been, I allowed her the kindness of owning the fall out, because when you say "I own everything I ever did to hurt you", you are also saying that you own the right that the other person has to walk away and pursue healing. And every person has the right to make that decision for themselves.
So, I've started the individuating process. It is scary, and I can tell you that even though my 2 year old can't tell me in words, I know exactly what she is going through. I've had to make myself notecards to carry around with me so that I can learn to be aware of my negative, battered thought processes and renew them with the love God has for me and the rights I now have as His Child.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Letting Go
It has been an awful few weeks. Will this ever end? I think this won't truly be "over" unless my mom is miraculously healed or she leaves the earth. She is who she is, after all. Who am I to change her?
About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.
After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.
Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.
I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.
I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.
So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.
About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.
After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.
Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.
I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.
I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.
So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.
Friday, October 12, 2012
They know not what they do.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this one, I suppose if I really thought of it, I could get pretty upset, but thanks to a new friend, I'm learning to look at this through a different filter. A young lady and her two children have moved in with my mom temporarily. I really know no details since my mother and I are not talking. However, I felt that similar bitter taste in my mouth when I heard. I felt that same pang of rejection- I am being replaced. I didn't meet her needs so she is looking to someone else. I have allowed myself the necessary grief of feeling the feelings: I'm not good enough for her love, I'm certainly not worth fighting to keep. I was too much and not enough all at the same time. I have to feel it and get it out otherwise it festers. Once I let that out, then I realize that is not true of me. Also, I'm the one who chose to separate from her because of her toxic behavior and her uncanny ability to bring me down faster than anything I've ever known.
My mother is not well. She doesn't think and process things normally. This doesn't make her less of a person, nor does it make her invaluable. This makes her a wounded person who is just trying to get her needs met. I am coming to a place slowly and hopefully for good, where I realize everything she ever did or said that negatively affected me wasn't even about me. It certainly wasn't for me, but had little to do with me at all. I've heard a phrase that says something like "how people treat you says more about who they are than who you are." So, for example, if someone belittles you, mocks you, rejects you- it shows more about their character than your value. But it's taken me a bit of work to realize that how my mother views me is inaccurate and based on faulty information.
This is what I have learned: a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (or anything along that spectrum) operates mainly out of shame and fear. Fear of rejection, and shame at perceived rejection. It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" complex. They manipulate out of a desperate need to feel in control, and often have no idea they are being manipulative.They cannot own their own negative actions and behaviors because that would mean that they are bad, and since they cannot handle that information, they rewrite history so that they are perceived in a much better light. This is where narcissism comes in too- grandiosity of thinking. Thinking that they are greater than they are so they don't have to face the reality of the things they have done that have caused pain. This is a very simplistic description, obviously, there is way more I could write about this but I'm trying to keep it simple.
I cannot trust my mother. I don't think that I ever will. What I want and what I have in front of me are two very different things. What I want is a mom who I can trust, who I can share my secrets with, who I can LAUGH with and cry with. Short of a miracle, this is not going to happen and I have to let that rest on the alter. What I have is a mother who does not know what she has done. She does not value me as a person, because someone who values another person cares about their feelings, cares about earning back their trust, and has a respect of other people's boundaries even if they don't like them.
A conversation with my mother would go like this
Mom: "Why don't you want to be around me?"
Me: " Because I cannot trust you. You hurt me"
Mom: "Well you hurt me to. I don't trust you either. You're being selfish. Why are you always rejecting me?"
A healthy parent would understand their responsibility and role as the parent to reestablish trust and would say "I'm sorry. Can you be more specific as to how I lost your trust and what I can do to earn it back." Which then sends the message "Your feelings are important to me. I love and value you."
All relationships are built on trust, so without trust, where can we go? I realize this post seems perhaps lacking in compassion, but it's really not. I care deeply for my mother. I want her to experience wholeness and joy just like God intends for her. And I know that as her loving Father, He will take care of her as only He can do. It was a burden I was never meant to carry in the first place, so now I am leaving her in His hands, along with the remnants of the relationship. I am willing to do whatever He asks of me, and right now, He has asked me to lay it down. Until He tells me to pursue it again, it's not happening! And I'm okay with that.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I never thought I'd make it...
You have heard me gripe and complain about my family life- and I want you to know that I share not because I want to talk badly about my mother, but rather, I feel my story is important...everyone has their story, and I feel it ought to be shared! It's not to rat my mother out as some horrible awful person...because she isn't! it's to free up my soul of the pain of the past so I can run FULLY in the present.
I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally.
I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.
I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.
At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide? So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.
She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.
Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.
The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first. There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.
Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.
My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.
Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.
I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.
Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.
I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally.
I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.
I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.
At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide? So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.
She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.
Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.
The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first. There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.
Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.
My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.
Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.
I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.
Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.
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