Movement

Walking away is incredibly hard- and at the same time, I feel a huge burden lifted.  I feel as if I've been dragging this lead weight around with me for years- maybe my entire life- and I finally get to let it go. I've tried for almost two years to patch things up with my mom, working hard on myself, my heart, my anger, resentment, bitterness, and expectations. To be honest, it's kind of disappointing that this is where the road has led. It's as if I've hit a construction zone- I cannot travel down that road with her, it's time to take a detour. Leave it behind.

Leaving it behind may seem easy- and maybe it is. But for me it means a lot of things. It means I'm no longer allowed to defend myself to those who won't or choose not to understand. It means I lose my reputation in their eyes. It means she could some day blame me for not trying harder or for giving up too soon. It also means a whole lot of good things: I get to move on from a tumultuous relationship that did much more harm than good. It means I am free to walk in emotional health and freedom. It means I am no longer a slave to her emotions. So, it is good. I have breathing room- and I feel safer here. I feel like I can move about with out wondering when she is going to lose it on me again.

A few things that are leaving as I let go- this fear that God is just waiting to punish me. That was projected from my relationship with my mom. You can never win and you never know when she will ignore you or criticize. I finally realized upon reading of God's heart towards me (or any of His children), that this is not his intention for me. He and I want the same thing. This freedom I am being offered is something He died to give me. It was never in His heart or mind that I be manipulated, controlled, emotionally damaged or afraid- because perfect love casts out all fear. With God, we are always safe, we can always trust His intentions towards us because He is good in all that He does. So, I can trust that since it is not in God's character to lie, manipulate, belittle, control or embarrass, than my cry for freedom is something He desperately wants for me. So that I can experience Him in a way I never have.

It is kind of humorous. All the things that once controlled me- fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of man...all of those things are breaking off- PRAISE THE LORD. I used to make my moves based on her actions and responses. I am now learning to make my moves based on my needs, desires and what I know is right. I follow God and God alone, and I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.

Several people have pointed out that I am doing the most loving and kind thing I can for her- loving her WITHIN boundaries. I love her by not allowing her to get away with unhealthy and unsavory behavior.It has taken me some time to digest and feel like that is right. But, isn't  this how God loves us? Isn't this how we are called to parent and love our children? God gives us very natural consequences for our actions. His love for us never fades, but we will reap what we sow. We love our kids by doing the same- giving them natural consequences for their actions because ultimately we want them to have a solid character where they can function in society but have a good moral backbone. This was my mother's parents responsibility to instill that in her and nip it in the bud, and then her husbands- it should never fall on the children to re-parent their parents.

Ownership

It's always something, I tell ya! I am just now coming to terms with my mother's illness. It appears that there is a name for her disease- it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Just like Autism and other mental illnesses, it appears on a spectrum from low functioning to high functioning and is characterized by a tendency to rage, have very little ability to regulate their emotions, be involved in risky behavior and a myriad of other things. I am no diagnostician, but when I typed up my mom's symptoms and behaviors, this seemed to fit almost perfectly.

In learning about this illness, I came to understand how her brain, from a very young age, was trained to respond out of fear and hopelessness, rejection and shame- this is called functioning in the primitive or lower brain- functioning solely out of the lymbic (sp?) system (emotion center of the brain). The emotion center of the brain is formed very early in life and shaped by how well an infant attaches and is secure in their environment and with their caregiver. Research shows that at least 3/4 of people diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) had some form of early childhood trauma. Obviously, the more severe, usually the worse the illness is. Without intervention, they grow up never evolving or learning new skills or learning new ways of coping. When a situation arises where someone of "normal" brain function would be able to think rationally, reason through it, and respond appropriately, their brain actually bypasses reason and goes straight to reaction. I've heard it said they live life our of a series of  knee jerk reactions. Their manipulation is usually not intentional- but comes out of a desperate need to control, to get back to safety. 

It is incredibly saddening to me. However much of a relief it is that I know there is a name, and a treatment, I cannot imagine the torment it must be to live life on a roller coaster. I've had the unfortunate experience of being along for the ride and that was more than enough for me- it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But the struggle remains- they have to choose treatment. I had wondered what it would take for my mom to realize it wasn't the rest of us with a problem, as one by one, people started pulling away from her because of the difficulty of being in relationship with an unstable person- thinking this has got to be the bottom! But it never is. I can't even put the sadness into words.

It is all starting to make sense now- the intense chaos I felt as a child, the craving to just be invisible, yet wanting desperately to be seen. The hesitation I often felt in being near her. Feeling at the age of 8 that I was on my own. That there was no one to listen to me, to play with me or care about my needs. Please understand, while I have my share of very painful memories, she was also kind and loving- which made it all the more a confusing mess. 

The journey is difficult- not just the part about seeing the reality for what it is, but taking ownership of the bad behaviors you learned that come much more naturally than the good behaviors you are supposed to have. For example- if you saw on a regular basis either you or your siblings being yelled at, grabbed by the arm in a forceful manner, being punished inappropriately (meaning punishment that was not given as a learning objective, but out of anger), etc- this is what comes naturally. That doesn't mean you can't learn from it and become better, learn self control and have patience- it just means it isn't the first thing that pops into your head when your child is acting out. 

Every time I see my sweet child's face, and I feel that anger rise up in me because of her disobedience, I am learning a few key things to take ownership of my own responsibility as her parent:

First- I pray- I cry out to God IN THAT MOMENT to help me-I ask out loud- one because it helps me to get out of my funk of thinking, and second because I know what it was like to be yelled at, berated, made to feel ashamed and stupid for minor infractions. I absolutely do not want my children growing up afraid of me, and thank God I get a choice. 

Second, I take a step back and remind myself "how can I make this teachable? Yes- I know I'm upset because she is throwing food on the floor for the 100th time today and I'm going to have to sweep again and my house will never be clean...but what is my priority here? My own selfishness or her security?"- and yes, I will do this until it becomes NATURAL for me to respond with patience and grace...I don't care how long it takes. Plain and simple, children physically cannot learn when they are afraid- so do this in a way that teaches them grace. If I need to and feel like at any point I could possibly snap and say something mean,  then I don't discipline at all. It's simply not worth the damage. 

Third- I hold myself accountable. First to God, then my husband and a few other trusted friends who I know will lovingly correct me and accept me when I mess up- but also refuse to let me get away with it. I realize this may sound extreme to some people, but I know the way I was raised and what was ingrained in my psyche before I had a choice in the matter- I don't take this lightly. 

Parenting is hard...it is not meant for the cowardly and selfish. There- I said it. We all have that tendency to want easy, want it our way, etc, but children do not exist for our selfish motives, and they don't exist for our happiness. God will use our children to help us to grow and develop the fruits of the spirit (love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control...hello! I'm feeling some conviction!), and we should humbly accept his "gift" to us. Parenting is a flesh killer, at the very minimum. It will test every fiber of your being (well, maybe not yours, but it certainly has mine!).

I realize I went on a tangent or a bunny trail- maybe I'll end up separating this blog into two separate posts later. But for now, this will have to do : ) 

God bless you today! Remember- God is our help!

Andrea