Movement

Walking away is incredibly hard- and at the same time, I feel a huge burden lifted.  I feel as if I've been dragging this lead weight around with me for years- maybe my entire life- and I finally get to let it go. I've tried for almost two years to patch things up with my mom, working hard on myself, my heart, my anger, resentment, bitterness, and expectations. To be honest, it's kind of disappointing that this is where the road has led. It's as if I've hit a construction zone- I cannot travel down that road with her, it's time to take a detour. Leave it behind.

Leaving it behind may seem easy- and maybe it is. But for me it means a lot of things. It means I'm no longer allowed to defend myself to those who won't or choose not to understand. It means I lose my reputation in their eyes. It means she could some day blame me for not trying harder or for giving up too soon. It also means a whole lot of good things: I get to move on from a tumultuous relationship that did much more harm than good. It means I am free to walk in emotional health and freedom. It means I am no longer a slave to her emotions. So, it is good. I have breathing room- and I feel safer here. I feel like I can move about with out wondering when she is going to lose it on me again.

A few things that are leaving as I let go- this fear that God is just waiting to punish me. That was projected from my relationship with my mom. You can never win and you never know when she will ignore you or criticize. I finally realized upon reading of God's heart towards me (or any of His children), that this is not his intention for me. He and I want the same thing. This freedom I am being offered is something He died to give me. It was never in His heart or mind that I be manipulated, controlled, emotionally damaged or afraid- because perfect love casts out all fear. With God, we are always safe, we can always trust His intentions towards us because He is good in all that He does. So, I can trust that since it is not in God's character to lie, manipulate, belittle, control or embarrass, than my cry for freedom is something He desperately wants for me. So that I can experience Him in a way I never have.

It is kind of humorous. All the things that once controlled me- fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of man...all of those things are breaking off- PRAISE THE LORD. I used to make my moves based on her actions and responses. I am now learning to make my moves based on my needs, desires and what I know is right. I follow God and God alone, and I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.

Several people have pointed out that I am doing the most loving and kind thing I can for her- loving her WITHIN boundaries. I love her by not allowing her to get away with unhealthy and unsavory behavior.It has taken me some time to digest and feel like that is right. But, isn't  this how God loves us? Isn't this how we are called to parent and love our children? God gives us very natural consequences for our actions. His love for us never fades, but we will reap what we sow. We love our kids by doing the same- giving them natural consequences for their actions because ultimately we want them to have a solid character where they can function in society but have a good moral backbone. This was my mother's parents responsibility to instill that in her and nip it in the bud, and then her husbands- it should never fall on the children to re-parent their parents.

What is that warm feeling?

Not sure how to begin this post...But I have noticed a change in my heart...a feeling I thought would NEVER come. I'm not sure how to describe it but I'll try. Your heart only has so much space- if it is filled with bitterness, rage, anger, hurt and pain, there is little room for love...and vice versa. Walking through the process (I underline process because it can't be emphasized enough) of forgiveness, I feared letting the ickiness out for fear it would consume me...for fear that it would not STOP coming out, and for fear of what God would ask me to do if I actually did forgive my mom (you mean I have to love her too?!).

In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.

My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!

I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God  (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.

This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!

Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).

What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!

Be blessed today.