Movement

Walking away is incredibly hard- and at the same time, I feel a huge burden lifted.  I feel as if I've been dragging this lead weight around with me for years- maybe my entire life- and I finally get to let it go. I've tried for almost two years to patch things up with my mom, working hard on myself, my heart, my anger, resentment, bitterness, and expectations. To be honest, it's kind of disappointing that this is where the road has led. It's as if I've hit a construction zone- I cannot travel down that road with her, it's time to take a detour. Leave it behind.

Leaving it behind may seem easy- and maybe it is. But for me it means a lot of things. It means I'm no longer allowed to defend myself to those who won't or choose not to understand. It means I lose my reputation in their eyes. It means she could some day blame me for not trying harder or for giving up too soon. It also means a whole lot of good things: I get to move on from a tumultuous relationship that did much more harm than good. It means I am free to walk in emotional health and freedom. It means I am no longer a slave to her emotions. So, it is good. I have breathing room- and I feel safer here. I feel like I can move about with out wondering when she is going to lose it on me again.

A few things that are leaving as I let go- this fear that God is just waiting to punish me. That was projected from my relationship with my mom. You can never win and you never know when she will ignore you or criticize. I finally realized upon reading of God's heart towards me (or any of His children), that this is not his intention for me. He and I want the same thing. This freedom I am being offered is something He died to give me. It was never in His heart or mind that I be manipulated, controlled, emotionally damaged or afraid- because perfect love casts out all fear. With God, we are always safe, we can always trust His intentions towards us because He is good in all that He does. So, I can trust that since it is not in God's character to lie, manipulate, belittle, control or embarrass, than my cry for freedom is something He desperately wants for me. So that I can experience Him in a way I never have.

It is kind of humorous. All the things that once controlled me- fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of man...all of those things are breaking off- PRAISE THE LORD. I used to make my moves based on her actions and responses. I am now learning to make my moves based on my needs, desires and what I know is right. I follow God and God alone, and I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.

Several people have pointed out that I am doing the most loving and kind thing I can for her- loving her WITHIN boundaries. I love her by not allowing her to get away with unhealthy and unsavory behavior.It has taken me some time to digest and feel like that is right. But, isn't  this how God loves us? Isn't this how we are called to parent and love our children? God gives us very natural consequences for our actions. His love for us never fades, but we will reap what we sow. We love our kids by doing the same- giving them natural consequences for their actions because ultimately we want them to have a solid character where they can function in society but have a good moral backbone. This was my mother's parents responsibility to instill that in her and nip it in the bud, and then her husbands- it should never fall on the children to re-parent their parents.

Wretched and poor

Romans 7:24-25 "O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [ He will!] through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like the wretched fools that we really are? When you wake up and wonder where in God's sweet name you have ended up...were you this broken all along or did you miss a sign that everyone else seemed to see and follow? I have wondered this many, MANY times in the course of the last three years, and I have come to the conclusion of this one thing that the Apostle Paul sums up perfectly in Romans 7:24 as he talks about the war waging between his flesh and spirit: "O wretched man that I am! Who can save me from this body of sin?" and then proceeds to thank God- because HE WILL!

For so so long I have striven to be perfect enough, holy enough, sane enough, faithful enough...or just plain ENOUGH. I have found myself  recently waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, fighting tears and just wondering "am I okay?" Like a child who has tripped and fallen, scraped their knees and shins, stands up assessing their situation and wonders if they should cry-if they are okay- or just to continue playing.

I focus on my failures- my rage, my anger, my bitterness, my SHAME and I wonder- Am I okay? I look down and see that my clothes are torn, my knees and shins are bruised and bleeding-don't even ask about the condition of my heart! God- am I okay? Am I going to make it? Do you accept me even though there are remnants of bitterness? Even though I am judgmental and critical of others?

In order to make any sort of progress, we HAVE to accept who we are and where we are. There is some intense freedom when we realize how broken and messed up we truly are-we are prone to sin and failure on a daily if not hourly basis. Yet-Jesus says we are clothed in righteousness, accepted, wanted, loved WITHOUT condition. So how do we reconcile the polarity of our situation? recognizing that we are wretched and poor in our sinful nature, yet clothed in righteousness, redeemed, CLEAN and WHOLE? I think it is actually simpler than we make it- we just accept it. We recognize who we are and what we are prone to without Jesus, and at the same moment, we accept who we are BECAUSE of Him.

He is glorified in our weaknesses as we lean on Him. He makes us more like Him as we lean on Him. The devil wants us to waste ample time focusing on the wretched fools that we are when Jesus wants us to focus on who He is and who we are IN Him.

I write as if this is second nature to me- but the opposite is true. I easily reject myself and all that God says about me in light of my failures and this is something that I am definitely working to root deep in my heart. When I mess up as a wife or mom, my husband comes over and gives me a hug and what is my response? To walk away-to shun myself as punishment. Think about it- if the enemy can get us to think about how awful we are, if he can get us to reject the gift that has been freely given, then our foundation is going to be on sinking sand- because we can count on nothing other than the redeeming, perfect, unconditional love of God!

The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!