Endings and Beginnings

I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...

My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.

I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.

When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.

To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.

Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?

Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that.  And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good!  He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.

One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.

I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on

For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.

No matter what

Last week I kind of hit a low point. I started feeling a bit depressed and hopeless about the future. I wanted my heart to believe what my head knows- which is that God is good...all the time- but my heart was refusing to believe it, for whatever reason.

I began looking back at some promises. Promises that I know to be true for me. I know this because it resonates with every fiber of my being- yet they are things that I have not seen come to pass yet. These pomises have kept me going in times of drought or flood. I could hear the accuser making his case, and he made a strong one:  "See...look at all God's let you go through. Would a kind and loving father do that? Would he? Doesn't he know you've been through too much? It's all just been too much. " I could hear it- but before I realized it, I began to partner with it. I began to believe the lie "you know, you're right. It has been too much! This is too much! What kind of Father allows his daughter to go through hell and then keeps giving her more? God- these promises should be mine by now!" and this continued until I was covered in a thick blanket of hopelessness.  I then began to take on the responsibility of making those promises come to pass- have I done something wrong? Did I miss a turn somewhere? What could I do to convince God to bring these promises to pass sooner? And on top of that hopelessness was laid another thick and heavy blanket of false responsibility. I couldn't even pray- my mind was filled with fears of the future like never before.

I went to a friends house so our kids could play together while we just chatted about life and nothing in particular, and as I got ready to go, she said "hey, I wanna pray for you." So, of course I wasn't going to deny that! Boom...immediately the weight was lifted. I realized that I had partnered with the accuser and judged the goodness of God- she didn't say this, or insinuate- I just knew that I had. I don't honestly even remember what she prayed, but there was an immediate and permanent shift in my heart and outlook. I was suddenly able to embrace the truth with my whole heart that God has never failed me. He entrusted me to my parents who, for numerous reasons, left me with wounds and scars- but that was never his intent. People fail me. My body fails me- but he never has.

I want to be clear about something- there is NOTHING wrong with having an open and honest conversation with God about how you feel (read Job if you need some reassurance! Job lamented... God put him in his place but it was the relationship God was after and he loved Job for being honest before him.) It's perfectly ok, normal and even good to be angry, to be sad, and disappointed. There have been many, many times in my own life when self pity was the only way I could truly open the door to grief- simply because I wasn't often allowed the expression of deep emotions, so in order to truly "feel" my feelings, I had to go there. I don't stay there though. What I'm talking about is the enemy. He made a great case for God being an awful, unfaithful liar- and I believed him for a bit. It was easier than accepting the harsh reality of the circumstances and knowing there is no way around- just through.  I didn't want to be brave. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired.  I didn't want to have to walk through the fire anymore. My current circumstances were coming in direct conflict with the promises God made and I had a choice to make. I couldn't make that choice without some help, though, because there was something MISSING from my relationship with God. You see- from a very early age, I learned to be responsible for myself. I was child and parent in a lot of situations that should never have been. I provided for myself a way out, I protected myself. I made things happen so that I wouldn't experience pain... God knows this. He knew that I needed a revelation of Him as FATHER. Papa. As someone who was fully capable of taking care of what belonged to him- and wouldn't burden me with something that was no longer mine to carry. He knew that I needed to know this part of his character, otherwise I could make no further progress, and I would always be fearful of crumbling underneath harsh circumstances. But- when your Father is big and strong and loving? There is no room for fear

At the same time all of the above was happening, there had been placed on me a burden of false responsibility in regards to my mother, siblings and grandmother. All the SHOULDS and things I did wrong in their eyes came flooding forward. I noticed a distinct shift after my last conversation with my grandmother and that thought "it's all just been too much" was suddenly on repeat. I couldn't seem to get out from underneath it. 

After my friend prayed, I had an immediate understanding that I had been carrying around this responsibility that had been placed on me through guilt and shame. I had internalized all the guilt, shame, condemnation and judgement that had been thrown at me by my family- all the things a "loving" daughter should and shouldn't do. Not only that, but I kept myself from experiencing the good and healthy relationships he has surrounded me with to HEAL me because I felt I didn't deserve it. Well- after that prayer- that thinking was gone. I had an understanding that I was HIS child, and that those things that had been placed on me by others were things I was no longer to partner with. Whow. It blows my mind!

Not only that- but I was able to internalize his kindness and compassion over the loss of my babies. There came a deeper understanding of the will of God- and this was not his will. Death, disease, etc- those were never in His will for us. Instead, I ask Him "Who do you want to be for me RIGHT NOW?" and the peace comes. The comfort comes. I can be disappointed and angry and sad with Him. I can feel my feelings, the sting of pain that comes unexpectedly- and he cares. He loves me.  He is not indifferent to our suffering.

So, my prayer for anyone reading this is that you would have an experiential understanding of who God is for you right now. That we would sink our roots down deep into the love of God in such a way, that we would know that NO MATTER WHAT COMES- we are anchored in the One who loves us.