Well, It's been a while since Ive posted. Theres been a lot going on and I'm still kind of in a whirlwind.
I wrote in my last blog post that I was not going to see my mother before she died. Given that she was still adamant on not meeting me in a way that felt safe to me, I thought "what's the point?" I really did not want to go if it was going to turn our like every other interaction had been.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, but she woke up one day out of her stupor and asked where I was. My grandma said "what do you mean?" My mom explained that she had thought she was talking to me and had I stopped by? My grandma said "no... M.E., why won't you just agree to meet with her on her terms?" And my mom said "well, fine." It must have occurred to her suddenly that this was the way she was going to leave the world- loose ends.
So, we got a call one evening that she had a agreed to see me with just my husband present. At first I was really upset. Why did she wait until the last minute? So I took my time processing that, but eventually realized I needed to go. I was anxious, of course...this was my abuser after all. Not exactly looking forward to the visit. But there were a lot of people praying and when the time came to go, I felt covered.
When I walked in, I started crying immediately. Not big sobs, just weeping. She started crying as well. She was kind. She asked us about our lives and what we had been up to. She made mention that she didn't know why we had drifted apart or what she had done, but that she was sorry. I didn't take the opportunity to discuss further, just acknowledged that I had already forgiven her and it wasn't something that needed discussion. She told me she was sorry that she wasn't there for me for the loss of my babies- that she should have been there for me. That was really hard for me to hear because I SO needed a mom during all of that.
It was very hard to see her in that state. A shriveled up version of herself. Skin and bones. She still had her nails painted nicely- appearance was always something that was very important to her.
It was a very surreal interaction. On one hand, I was very aware that this is the person who abused and bullied me for years- even recently. I was aware that I was interacting with a Borderline, and I could easily spot the borderline behaviors- yet, I was not triggered. She was on her best behavior and for that I am very grateful. Who knows how long it would have taken me to recover from that. We left after an hour because we had to pick up our daughter and get her to bed. I left feeling grateful for the interaction, knowing that I had been completely covered. That God had somehow taken over and she was not . It felt like a "supervised" visit, if you will. She was on er best behavior.
We visited two more times after that, and brought our daughter to see her was when she was 18 months old. DD was excited to meet her and my mom just soaked it up. My mom did bring up some " off limit topics" but I manouvered around them. After that I felt like that was more than enough goodbyes for me and we didn't go back. It wasn't long after that that she passed away.
The funeral was...interesting. It was strange having people speak of her as such a wonderful person, when I had experienced much of the opposite. My mom wasnt all bad, of course she did good and nice things too. Of course, I didn't expect people to speak badly of her at her own funeral. It was odd to hear my sister give a eulogy basically saying that she likes how much she is like our mother. One of my brothers, as well as my brother in law avoided my husband and I like the plague- which I anticipated. It was ...interesting.
I have struggled throughout these last few months to keep perspective. Knowing and anticipating dealing with my FOO (Family of Origin) was less than appealing, and on a bad day, fairly anxiety inducing. I felt so tired in myself. No strength to muster. I was sorely lacking patience with my persistent family who fails to give me the space I so desire to grieve in the way that is appropriate for me. I can't count how many times I've wanted to say "I just want to be done dealing with them. They are obnoxious, mean, and unpleasant." This attitude really didn't help me persevere. It didn't help that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and just in general, had no extra energy for stuff like this.
So, what have I learned hindsight? There are certain things that are unavoidable. I was not afforded the luxury of leaning on my own strength because I had none left! Thankfulness in who God is changes the atmosphere from one of overwhelm to joyfully waiting for His provision. This is hard...I'm not gonna lie. It is very difficult to be thankful when you are dealing with things you very much dislike.
I also got to put into practice some of the skills I've been learning over the last two years- distress tolerance, accepting that other people will view me how they want to and it CAN have absolutely no affect on how I view or feel about myself. I can assert myself and be confident in my decisions even when others do not like those decisions. Not the most fun...let me tell you. But necessary.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2015
Monday, December 29, 2014
Endings and Beginnings
I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...
My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.
I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.
When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.
To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.
Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?
Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that. And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good! He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.
One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.
I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on
For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.
My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.
I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.
When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.
To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.
Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?
Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that. And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good! He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.
One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.
I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on
For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Beautiful Struggle
It's been an interesting week (or month- I'm really not sure how long). I've been in a funk, I guess you could say. REALLY really wrestling with some frustrations and disappointments. No matter what I did, I just could not seem to shake them. I tried pretending they weren't there. That obviously didn't work. I tried being more thankful and praising my way through it. No change. I finally had to get to a place where I could let all my tension and frustrations out and just ask the Lord to be there with me (Reading Lamentations has helped greatly...that book is full of lamenting and perhaps what we would call complaining, yet the writer always turns to God and rests in the promise of God's goodness.)
It is so interesting to me how God heals us. It often feels backwards and up-side-down. What amazes me the most is how committed God is to our wholeness. Every time I think he might give up on me or say "Thats it. I've had enough of you!", I'm proven wrong. He already sees us as whole, so I'm learning that when He addresses us, he is addressing us from that place of wholeness.
I was all pent up with anger, and frustration. Anger at the miscarriages. Anger that I have a blood clotting issue that puts me into the high risk category for any subsequent pregnancies, just overall feeling like my boat has been rocked and feeling oh so tired of it.
As I've written before, I've spent a great deal of my life pretending. Being too afraid to be real or honest about my hurts and heartaches. I was really good at performing and acting my way through things. Well, God is after our hearts, and I'm learning that only that which we expose to his love can be permanently changed. He has never been after our performance, but relationship.
I didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Both were riddled with dysfunction, just in different ways. I was an adult in both of those relationship for the majority of my life, meaning that I carried responsibilities in the relationship that I should never have carried. It takes YEARS of hard work in therapy and the Lords presence to undo that. How does this translate to future relationships and my relationship with God? Well, developmentally, I was behind. I'm an excellent servant, but being a daughter is not something that came naturally to me. Intellectually, I am very smart, and I have high emotional intelligence. I often am told that I act much older than my 30 years, but there were certain parts of me that lagged behind relationally simply because I didn't have my needs met. It is those places that desperately need healing.
In Psalms 27:10 "When my father and mother forsake me, The Lord will take care of me." I am learning that God means this 100%. He means to take care of those places that were long abandoned and neglected. Places I didn't even know about. Places I've kept hidden and tucked away out of shame or fear or because I didn't know they were there to begin with. And He is so gentle. He doesn't come barging in. He comes knocking and woos us until we feel safe enough in His love to expose what's really inside. And He will prove himself 100 times over until we get it that it is ok to let those walls down. How does this look in real life? Well, in my experience, it has been that I have been allowed certain circumstances that have brought that pain and dysfunction to the forefront. Not the most comfortable, let me tell you. There are walls and defenses that were erected to protect and in my experience it has been pretty uncomfortable learning a new way of living without those walls in place. And I don't need to be ashamed of those walls. Without them, I may not have survived as well as I did. But now? They are no longer conducive to a healthy way of living. He never shames me there (and He won't shame you). He just says "I see it. And I plan to heal it, if you'll let me." And then he sets us into a process of healing.
My friend wrote an excellent analogy regarding accepting the hard things in life and TRUSTING that God truly knows what is best for us. I'll try to recap that as well as she does.
Lets say that one of our teenage children wanted to go to Paris. That's an excellent idea. We might book a one stop flight to Paris, with a hotel right in the airport so that she doesn't have to figure out how to get to and from the airport safely. We might not even make her pay for the trip. But what would be a better experience in the long run? What if sending her by boat meant that she learned a little bit more about travel than flying on a plane? Sure...the trip will take a few days longer, but she will get to see more of creation. She will get to learn the ins and outs of traveling aboard a ship, and getting from sea to land safely. She'll get to take marvelous pictures of the sea and maybe learn that she is seasick. What if instead of paying for the trip for her (which is not wrong), I tell her she can't go unless she gets a job and starts earning some of the funds herself? What is more valuable? A free trip to Paris or one that she got to participate in paying for, creating a sense of ownership and pride in her own abilities, seeing more of the world and having a FAR richer experience?
What I'm trying to illustrate is that God is far more invested in the long term fruit of our lives than our present circumstances seem to paint for us. I'm not saying (not even in a tiny way) that God somehow arranged my miscarriages, or the death of my father or the loss of almost every relationship in my family, but, Romans 8 clearly says that He works ALL things together for our good. So, what if God brings us to certain obstacles to show us that NO MATTER WHAT, He will always prove himself to be bigger? He will ALWAYS bring us through to the other side. He will ALWAYS comfort us. He will ALWAYS bring healing- whether in the moment or otherwise. Isn't that more important than our temporary comfort?
It is so interesting to me how God heals us. It often feels backwards and up-side-down. What amazes me the most is how committed God is to our wholeness. Every time I think he might give up on me or say "Thats it. I've had enough of you!", I'm proven wrong. He already sees us as whole, so I'm learning that when He addresses us, he is addressing us from that place of wholeness.
I was all pent up with anger, and frustration. Anger at the miscarriages. Anger that I have a blood clotting issue that puts me into the high risk category for any subsequent pregnancies, just overall feeling like my boat has been rocked and feeling oh so tired of it.
As I've written before, I've spent a great deal of my life pretending. Being too afraid to be real or honest about my hurts and heartaches. I was really good at performing and acting my way through things. Well, God is after our hearts, and I'm learning that only that which we expose to his love can be permanently changed. He has never been after our performance, but relationship.
I didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Both were riddled with dysfunction, just in different ways. I was an adult in both of those relationship for the majority of my life, meaning that I carried responsibilities in the relationship that I should never have carried. It takes YEARS of hard work in therapy and the Lords presence to undo that. How does this translate to future relationships and my relationship with God? Well, developmentally, I was behind. I'm an excellent servant, but being a daughter is not something that came naturally to me. Intellectually, I am very smart, and I have high emotional intelligence. I often am told that I act much older than my 30 years, but there were certain parts of me that lagged behind relationally simply because I didn't have my needs met. It is those places that desperately need healing.
In Psalms 27:10 "When my father and mother forsake me, The Lord will take care of me." I am learning that God means this 100%. He means to take care of those places that were long abandoned and neglected. Places I didn't even know about. Places I've kept hidden and tucked away out of shame or fear or because I didn't know they were there to begin with. And He is so gentle. He doesn't come barging in. He comes knocking and woos us until we feel safe enough in His love to expose what's really inside. And He will prove himself 100 times over until we get it that it is ok to let those walls down. How does this look in real life? Well, in my experience, it has been that I have been allowed certain circumstances that have brought that pain and dysfunction to the forefront. Not the most comfortable, let me tell you. There are walls and defenses that were erected to protect and in my experience it has been pretty uncomfortable learning a new way of living without those walls in place. And I don't need to be ashamed of those walls. Without them, I may not have survived as well as I did. But now? They are no longer conducive to a healthy way of living. He never shames me there (and He won't shame you). He just says "I see it. And I plan to heal it, if you'll let me." And then he sets us into a process of healing.
My friend wrote an excellent analogy regarding accepting the hard things in life and TRUSTING that God truly knows what is best for us. I'll try to recap that as well as she does.
Lets say that one of our teenage children wanted to go to Paris. That's an excellent idea. We might book a one stop flight to Paris, with a hotel right in the airport so that she doesn't have to figure out how to get to and from the airport safely. We might not even make her pay for the trip. But what would be a better experience in the long run? What if sending her by boat meant that she learned a little bit more about travel than flying on a plane? Sure...the trip will take a few days longer, but she will get to see more of creation. She will get to learn the ins and outs of traveling aboard a ship, and getting from sea to land safely. She'll get to take marvelous pictures of the sea and maybe learn that she is seasick. What if instead of paying for the trip for her (which is not wrong), I tell her she can't go unless she gets a job and starts earning some of the funds herself? What is more valuable? A free trip to Paris or one that she got to participate in paying for, creating a sense of ownership and pride in her own abilities, seeing more of the world and having a FAR richer experience?
What I'm trying to illustrate is that God is far more invested in the long term fruit of our lives than our present circumstances seem to paint for us. I'm not saying (not even in a tiny way) that God somehow arranged my miscarriages, or the death of my father or the loss of almost every relationship in my family, but, Romans 8 clearly says that He works ALL things together for our good. So, what if God brings us to certain obstacles to show us that NO MATTER WHAT, He will always prove himself to be bigger? He will ALWAYS bring us through to the other side. He will ALWAYS comfort us. He will ALWAYS bring healing- whether in the moment or otherwise. Isn't that more important than our temporary comfort?
Friday, May 9, 2014
God and Suffering
I know…I'm sure the title wants to make you want to read more! juuuuuusssstttt kidding. But I do think this is a very important topic because we ALL will suffer at varying degrees throughout our lives. Some of us seem to suffer more than others, and I would love to have the answer as to why that is…but I don't.
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
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