Take off your grave clothes

I woke up with a scripture floating around in my brain the other day. Whenever this happens, I know that God is about to take me on a journey! So I was excited to do some digging. Before we get started, I'd just like to clarify that I'm not a theologian, and I'm not a scholar, so what I'm about to share with you is PERSONAL revelation based on the word of God. I'm certain there is even more depth and understanding to it than I can share in this short little blog post.

I'll be referring to John 11:1-44.

Lazarus was a friend of Jesus, one whom Jesus loved dearly (v3).  Mary came to Jesus and told him that Lazarus was sick. Jesus replied  “This sickness will not end in death; but [on the contrary it is] for the glory and honor of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.” (V 4). 

Now, were I Mary, I would be thinking "sweet! Jesus is gonna do what he does...I'll go home and Lazarus will be healed and all will be well!" This is not at all what happens...lets continue on.

It goes on to say that Jesus loved and was deeply concerned for Lazarus given his sickness and Mary, so he stayed near for 2 more days. Then he decided to go to Judea- although scripture doesn't directly say why. What we do know, based on previous scripture and the nature of Jesus, is that He only did what he saw the Father do, and only went where he was called to go. Somewhere in that span of time, Lazarus died. 

V 17 " So when Jesus arrived, He found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb [c]four days. 18 Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles away; 19 and many of the Jews had come to see Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning [the loss of] their brother. 20 So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet Him, while Mary remained sitting in the house...32 When Mary came [to the place] where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was [f]deeply moved in spirit [to the point of anger at the sorrow caused by death] and was troubled,34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him [as a close friend]!”37 But some of them said, “Could not this Man, who opened the blind man’s eyes, have kept this man from dying?”

39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be an offensive odor, for he has been dead four days! [It is hopeless!]” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe[in Me], you will see the glory of God [the expression of His excellence]?” 41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised His eyes [toward heaven] and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me and listen to Me; but I have said this because of the people standing around, so that they may believe that You have sent Me [and that You have made Me Your representative].” 43 When He had said this, He shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 Out came the man who had been dead, his hands and feet tightly wrapped in burial cloths (linen strips), and with a [burial] cloth wrapped around his face. Jesus said to them, “Unwrap him and release him.”

First of all, Jesus made a promise to Mary that Lazarus's sickness would not end in death, but would bring about the Glory of God. And it's clear just a few verses down that Mary was upset and confused that Jesus didn't heal Lazarus as he said he would. In her mind, he was DEAD for good, and the one whom she loved and trusted, Jesus, all-powerful, did not keep his promise.

How many of us have been in the same boat? God promised something and it didn't end up at all as we expected? There are two things I'd like to point out in this scripture: The first is that Jesus was not angry with Mary for voicing her distrust, anger and grief over her feelings of betrayal and loss. In fact, Jesus turns and it says "He was deeply moved in spirit to the point of anger at the SORROW caused by death." Do you have an area of your life that is squelched by the sorrow caused by death? Whether that's the death of a dream, a person, a relationship or something else- the effect is the same. Sit with that for a moment. The Jesus I know is not flippant about the things we have endured! No- He is moved to the point of anger about the injustices we've endured TOO. The second thing I'd like to point out is that people were quick to accuse Jesus of being absent, "Could he not have done something to keep this man from dying?" Once again- who hasn't been in that situation where we have felt that "God, couldn't you have done something? Jesus, don't you care? Why did you leave me in my hour of need?" I know I have! We have accused him of taking a mental and emotional vacation just when we needed him the most. 

Now, Jesus moved to the point of anger at the sorrow caused by death, asks Mary where Lazarus had been buried. She tells him he probably doesn't want to go in there because at this point, Lazarus has been buried for 4 days and the stench would be LEGIT (my words...obviously). Jesus disregards her concern and moves on ahead. He thanks God, and with a loud voice says "LAZARUS! COME OUT!" And out came the man who HAD BEEN DEAD, his hands and feet tightly wrapped in burial clothes... "Unwrap him and release him." 

Now...as if this wasn't good enough already, I did some research on the words "unwrap and release" which stood out to me.  I believe God wants to release some personal revelation to anyone reading this.

It is a MIRACLE that Jesus called Lazarus by name and out he came. Alive. Breathing. Living again. But it gets EVEN BETTER, because Jesus didnt run away from the stench of death. He did not leave him in his burial clothes and he would not leave him smelling like death. No...He spoke and said "unwrap him and release him."

The word "release" means: deprive of authority, declare unlawful, demolish or destroy, dissolve or overthrow.

Everyone has areas of their lives that have either died or been marked by death. This can be the death of a dream, an illness, a relationship, a person, a job...the possibilities are endless. So often when we feel betrayed or disappointed by circumstances or grief or loss, we end up wearing grave clothes. We carry that sorrow with us like a heavy blanket. It keeps us from moving. It is most certainly not because we want to. Something inside of us dies along with the disappointment or pain and we end up smelling like death, so to speak. Our attitude can become bitter, and pain overflows. 

Jesus did not come just to raise Lazarus from the dead to prove a point that he is all-powerful, and will keep his promises. He wasn't on a power trip. He raised Lazarus from the dead to show that he takes authority over death in its entirety. When he called Lazarus out, he didnt leave him in his grave clothes! Jesus doesn't deliver half way. He deprives it of authority completely! Death in our lives is declared unlawful, and in his presence it is demolished, destroyed, and is overthrown. 

I don't know who this word is for, but I have seen this in my own life. Areas of my heart and spirit that have been marked by death. Areas where I wore grave clothes and carried the stench of death, even unknowingly.  Times where I felt like Jesus didn't keep his promise and left me in a time of need to die so to speak. This is the thing: Just because it didn't turn out like we expected, doesn't mean that He is finished yet. If something is dead that Jesus has declared life to, then it's not over yet and He is not finished! So we can then take a posture of asking "God, what are you doing here? How can I partner with you in your plan for me?" 

To close, Jesus comes back, moved with compassion and anger into the places that have been destroyed, dead or wounded. He doesn't shy away from the smell of death or the hopelessness left in it's wake. He marches in, yells in a loud voice "HEY YOU! Come forth! It's time to live again!" And then He brings other people to unwrap you from your grave clothes, and not only that, He comes to deprive that area of loss of any authority.

That's something to get excited about!

Dismantling Shame

I want to talk about some past experiences that I have learned from, and gained insight into as the years have passed by. A few years ago, I was on the receiving end of a very bitter dissolving of a friendship. I had reached out to a friend after the passing of my mother, and decided to be vulnerable and let her know what my needs were. This was a HUGE step for me in my healing process, and something I would have never done before. I knew that she could say no, and I made my peace with that. I was prepared for her to not be able to be there for me. What I did not expect however, was to be told that I wasn't allowed to have needs, and that my needs were inappropriate and wrong, and that I was only to take those deep things to Jesus. Now- there is a God sized hole that we all have in our lives, and there are certain areas that only he can feel. But we cannot deny the need for community and relationship- we were designed for it. And in many regards, we only heal from past relationship disasters through healthy relationship interactions.

Now, a healthy person may be on the receiving end of this and say "well...that is a load of poop! I don't believe a word you say!" That was not my reaction, however.

You may be wondering as the reader, why did it stick? Why did I believe it? Shouldn't I, a grown adult woman, know what is true of myself? Well, not necessarily. For starters, I was raised in an environment where my intuition, my feelings and perceptions were constantly in question. I was rarely validated, and thus I never learned the importance of validating myself. As I've said in many previous posts, my mother suffered from Borderline personality disorder. It was pervasive and permeated every corner of her life, and subsequently our lives. I was wired for dysfunction, to put it lightly. I tend to feel that I am responsible for the reactions and responses of others, because that's how I was raised. It was my fault if my mother flew into a rage. It was my fault if she was sad, or distressed or just didn't want to be a mom that day. As I got older, and TRIED to individuate and differentiate,  as children are meant to do, my every move, and intention was questioned if it did not suit her needs. This made me feel crazy. I was told, on a regular basis, how I ought to feel, that my feelings were not normal, that I was crazy and incapable of making decisions, etc. These were all projections, but I believed for the majority of my life that there was something was profoundly wrong with me on a very basic level. I was raised to believe I was incapable of handling life. 

Fast forward, and what do you get? I was terribly anxious about making decisions...even little decisions, like where to go to eat. I would look around at the reactions and responses of others who would be affected by my decision.  God seemed to strategically put people in my life who would challenge this and force me to make decisions, and I'm grateful he did! I believed the lie that I couldn't handle the outcome of my choices  and thus would just sit like a paralyzed goat, unable to move or think. 

In healthy relationships, this wouldn't  be a problem because I would be surrounded by people who believed in me more than I believed in myself and thus "called out the gold", so to speak. I began to slowly believe that I was capable of making decisions, and thus my anxiety diminished. I began to create a new history of making good decisions and being able to handle it if I made a poor one. The same has been true for trusting my perceptions. When you are raised in an environment where you are made to feel crazy for how you feel, think and process, when you are told that certain traumatizing events never happened and that you just made it up, you find it nearly impossible to trust your own perceptions and intuition, which is our  God-given gps system.  Again in healthy relationship, this wouldn't be a problem because I was surrounded by people who worked as hard to understand me as I did them. There was mutual respect and a desire to grow and be the best humans we can be. 

What happens when this is challenged? When you are told that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings are invalid, and therefore you don't deserve to be in relationship because you are somehow so terribly flawed? If there is a giant crack in your foundation, as I had in mine, you will feel profound shame, and perhaps even self hatred.  I believed the lie that on a very basic level, I was flawed and therefore unfit for relationship. That I didn't deserve kindness, comfort or nurturing. My big question at that time is "why do I believe this lie"? It had to come from somewhere. And sure enough...it did. Not just one time, but many times through the course of my life. I had been kicked out, for lack of a better term, and deemed unfit. Not worth fighting for. Easily discarded. It's no wonder I believed that I deserved the treatment from this friend at a time when I genuinely needed someone. 

I began to look at my shame and decided I didn't want it there anymore. I was kicking it out- no matter how long it took me. I began the slow and grueling process of dismantling shame. This is not an easy task, and for me required me to look at my past and get healing from some hurts that I was unknowingly carrying around. I believed the lie that if I showed all of myself, even my flawed parts, that I would be rejected. And I was- by humans. But I have never been rejected by God. And through this, I have found pieces of my identity that were hiding underneath my fear.  The fear of losing that caused me conform or become a chameleon. I see some areas where I began to hide my true self out of fear of being rejected or misunderstood. Times where I was teetering on the edge of allowing myself to be controlled for another persons comfort. Don't get me wrong- there is nothing worse than betrayal or rejection. It HURTS. It has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but I also see some strength emerging that was not there before. I am no longer willing to NOT be fully myself. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in her book "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't!)". You cannot have courage without vulnerability, and I am not willing to pretend to be perfect in order to avoid rejection. I am not willing to be less of myself in order to make others happy or comfortable. 

So, how do we heal? How do we face our insecurities and fears and not hide from the world when that seems like the easiest solution? 

For starters, throughout this whole ordeal of losing one of my closest friends during a time of need, God has been faithfully speaking and ministering to me through dreams and scripture. I would often wake up with a verse floating through my mind. I have learned to plant myself there and craft prayers out of those verses. I would stay there until he dropped another thought or dream into my head. As Graham Cooke says "I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this problem." I became determined to heal. To not walk around with this undercurrent of fear and shame. I have learned the value of process. That God isn't asking us to be stoic or perfect. I think the Psalms  are a perfect indication that we are permitted to process. That it is necessary! To cry out to God in our distress, lack, misery and as we turn ourselves to him, He heals and restores, and shows us more of himself. I will be honest and say that at times it has felt like what he has given me has not been enough. 

One thing that I have been SEVERELY challenged by is that God often gives me a word that is in direct opposition of how I feel. For example, the day after "the incident", I woke up to Psalm 63 floating in my mind, specifically the verse that talks about being satisfied with marrow and fatness. I thought "ha! yeah right...all I feel right now is loss and lack and absence and I'm afraid it might just consume me."  So I have learned, however begrudgingly, to follow His lead and even if all I can do is whisper the promise- I do. I declare it. I WILL be satisfied. I WILL lack no Good thing. It may not be today- but always eventually.

I would HIGHLY encourage you to buy or rent from the library Brene Brown's books...any of them. They are pure gold! 

Endings and Beginnings

I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...

My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.

I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.

When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.

To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.

Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?

Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that.  And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good!  He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.

One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.

I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on

For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.

Dealing with disappointment in God

First, let me preface and say that I am by NO means calling myself an expert, or claiming that I have this thing down. I am sharing-very humbly- from a place that has been more painful than probably anything else I've experienced, and how I'm learning to move through it- imperfectly.

Disappointment. We've all been there at one time or another. And, I am fairly certain that it won't be the last time in the course of our earthly lives. We get disappointed when a tire pops on the freeway and we have to use all our savings to fix the car, when a child flunks out of school and has to redo that grade all over again, when someone fails us, we lose a job, a pregnancy, a loved one. You catch my drift. There can be a million different reasons why we land in the place of disappointment.

I want to touch on what we do when we become disappointed in God. It's not something Ive heard talked about much in church, or among leaders even. I've heard various verses thrown around "he gives and takes away", or "His ways are not our ways"- and all of those things are true- but that doesn't do much to change the fact that there is a rift and we don't know how to fix it. I know that I myself could barely admit that I have been there on more than one occasion. Almost like if I said it out loud, a bolt of lightening from heaven would come and strike me dead.

I have had certain expectations of God. Expectations I didn't know I had. I expected that since I'd already suffered so much, that I had met my quota and would suffer no more. I expected that my service to him during different seasons meant I wouldn't lose. In essence, it was all about religion. A series of deposits should equal a certain number of withdrawals, right? I had no idea what I was missing out on- relationally. He had so much more to give me.

Well, I hit a place recently with the miscarriages of tremendous pain, anger and resentment towards God. I was unwilling to admit it for fear I might collapse. Just poof- disappear into oblivion. You see- I KNOW that God is all I have. If I'm mad at him, then what hope do I have? What chance do I have of resolving my disappointment with a sovereign God who is by his very nature, GOOD? I knew something needed to be resolved. I knew there was a big wall in between him and me, and I wanted more than anything for that to be removed.

I met with a woman who I go to somewhat regularly for prayer ministry, and basically just sat down and told her where I was at. I wasn't sure how I got here. I felt tremendously confused and shaken to my core. I thought I was doing fine and then BAM. I hit a huge wall. We started praying and I asked God to show me the wall. I immediately saw a thick cement wall. I knew the wall was built of pain and disappointment. I knew that I had built the wall- unknowingly. I didn't know how to tear it down. We asked Jesus to show us how to take the wall down. I saw Him climb over the wall and embrace me and I began to weep. I was unable to contain the sorrow I had locked away in my heart. I understood that he wasn't asking me to change how I felt, but rather bring all of that stuff to him.

This wall had been built a long time ago in response to pain. It was built to protect me, and it did a fine job up until the point where it was no longer necessary or HEALTHY for me to keep it there.

All of a sudden I saw Jesus kneeling at my feet. He was asking me to forgive him for not healing me. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt in that moment. Me? Forgive Jesus? Jesus did nothing wrong...but my heart needed to forgive him for not meeting my expectation. For allowing me to experience such tremendous heartache that I feared it would consume me. The forgiveness was for me- and it was so he and I could continue to enjoy unbroken relationship. I felt his deep sorrow for my loss. I felt his compassion. I know that there was not a moment of this process that he has left me alone and without help.

What does it mean to forgive Jesus? Well, I'm going to take an excerpt from "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge:
    "Forgive God? This idea is going to cause some readers to freak out. Just listen for a moment. If     
    you are holding something in your heart against Jesus- the loss of someone you love, a painful 
    memory from your past, simply the way your life has turned out- if you are holding that against 
    Jesus, well then, it is between you and Jesus. . And no amount of ignoring it or being faithful in 
    other areas of your life is going to make it go away. In order to move forward, you are going to 
    have to forgive Jesus for whatever these things are.... To forgive a person, we pardon a wrong 
   done to us. 'forgiving' Jesus means to release the hurt and resentment we hold against him. This 
   comes BEFORE understanding.  We don't often know why things have happened the way they have 
   in our lives. What we do know is that we were hurt, and part of that hurt is toward Jesus, because 
   in our hearts we believe he let it happen.  Again, this is not the time for sifting theological nuances, 
   but this is why it is so important for you to look at the world the way Jesus did- as a vicious battle  
   with evil. When you understand that you have an enemy that has hated your guts ever since you 
   were a child, it will help you not to blame this stuff on God. Anyhow, the facts are it happened, we 
   are hurt, and part of us believes Jesus should have done something about it, and didn't. That is why 
   we need to 'forgive' him. We do so in order that this part of us can draw near him again and receive 
   his love."

What I gleaned from that time of prayer is to let Jesus in. Let him in to all the disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness. It is proving to be an interesting process- given that I've spent a large majority of my life avoiding pain. Avoiding "ugly" emotions. Well, it seems, I'm no longer being allowed to do that. It does no good to avoid or pretend- only that which we expose to the presence of God can truly be changed or healed.

The other thing I want to address here is focus. Again- this is coming from a place of humility in saying that I am stumbling along trying to figure this out just as much as the next guy. But I want to say this: When it comes to dealing with disappointment, no matter what it is from, and we are tempted to believe that God won't be faithful or that He won't bring us through, I am learning to do what God commanded the Israelites to do as they were on their way to the promised land: Remember what he has done. Make an alter- figuratively speaking- of every place He has come through for you. If you have to write it out in a list, then do it. I've noticed when I choose to thank God for what I can, relying on the Holy Spirit to remind me of all those instances where God has come through in big and small ways, it causes my faith to rise up, and my fears to be silenced.

MTHFR! (Things aren't always as they seem!)

No...I was not cursing...MTHFR is the acronym for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. It is a genetic mutation that can cause numerous problems depending on which mutation you have. After seeing my naturopath to help get my hormones back in order after the second miscarriage, she suggested I have the testing done to see if I carry the gene that is linked to recurrent miscarriages (among other things such as heart disease, strokes, clotting...the list seems endless!).  Basically, my body doesn't break down folic acid appropriately, which leads to the build up of homocysteine which is what causes all the dysfunction. Not just in my body, but can also cause neural tube defects in the growing baby. If we can bypass the folic acid and break it down FOR my body, we should be able to skip around the dysfunction and bring my body back into some sort of balance, and protect further pregnancies. 

Lo and behold...I was positive for the mutation most linked to recurrent miscarriage, and likely what caused the massive subchorionic hemorrhage in the last pregnancy. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that we had a cause and it wasn't just a "fluke", and scared because I began to wonder if we would ever be able to have more kids again. Having 2 back to back miscarriages had begun to cloud my mind with questions and fears and unknowns. 

I am a nerd at heart, and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really enjoy the research side of things, so I started researching this supplement and how it was supposed to benefit me. I'd read countless stories of people going from depressed and anxious to feeling "normal" for the first time in their entire life. It turns out, folate when broken down appropriately during the methylation process, is responsible for organizing your neurotransmitters-mainly serotonin and dopamine Who knew?! I however, did not have such pleasant side effects. I got a massive headache, followed by intense anxiety and irritability after just a few days. I stopped the L methylfolate, and started doing some more digging. This is supposed to be good for me, and clearly, based on testing, I need it...right? So, why do I feel like crap???

I emailed my naturopath, who advised me to cut way back on the supplement to see if that would help. Folate is technically a B vitamin, and can be stimulating to some people (me!). Ugh. Ok, so I cut way back and still felt foggy, irritable, anxious, and unable to sleep. I cut it out completely for a few days and started researching again. Apparently, long term use of high doses of B12 and other B vitamins, can cause a potassium deficiency. I have been taking large doses of B 12 for over a year due to the pyroluria and subsequent B deficiency. When one starts mehtylfolate, it drastically increases the demand for potassium within the cells causing hypokalemia (low potassium) and about a million different possible side effects. Since I had informed my naturopath that I was still feeling yucky, and had not heard back, I decided to get a potassium supplement and just hope for the best. I started taking it and then started taking the l methylfolate- no side effects! Yay! So...I am hoping to steadily increase the dosage of the methylfolate to what I'm actually supposed to be taking. 

I'll be honest- I did not come at this whole process with a great attitude. I've been in such a rush to heal and move on that every little upset to that plan has tipped me over...not a great place to be. I've been frustrated that it's taking so long to heal. I've been angry that my body wasn't responding too well to the supplement, and that is ONE MORE DELAY to adding to our family. I've just been frustrated- even a bit hopeless at times. But, once I sat back and just accepted that this is where we are at,  that it's taking longer than I would like, I've been a much easier person to be around. I've realized that in my rush to move forward, I haven't been enjoying the day to day- and that's not really ok with me. There is so much good in every day. So much to be grateful for, that we often miss out on it when we are so focused on all the is NOT working. Well, there's a lot that IS Working, and I think that deserves more of my focus and attention. 

I have no idea what the future holds...and I've learned to just take things one day at a time. Trusting in God's perfect love and Father-ship- that he will be completely faithful to bring us to a place of abudance. Not lack. 

Jesus LOVES your process

I know I've written before about accepting that my journey has been so very different from others. Or so it seems, anyway. Accepting that I can't force it to fit the mold of anyone else's life or process. I often fear that others won't accept me because my life is too intense for them. I'm leaning to care less what other's think, but it has not been easy as I tend to fall very easily into the trap of people pleasing.

Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!

And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD.  He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.

I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.

I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Joseph and His Coat

I'm going to share something I should have written about 6 months ago but somehow slipped from my mind until recently.

I've always loved the story of Joseph. I think perhaps I relate to his life in many ways, being abandoned, thrown into a pit and sold by his brothers who were jealous of his "place" in his family, to being thrown into a number of other hypothetical and literal "pits" for various reasons before finally being promoted to king. This will all make sense at the end : )

I'm going to paraphrase Genesis 37 because it's chock full of details that are important, but I kind of want to nutshell it- please read the whole chapter to get the full story : )

Israel was Joseph's father. Joseph was the youngest of many brothers, and it says that Israel loved Joseph more than the other brothers because he was born to Israel in his old age, and out of that love, Israel made Joseph an "ornate" robe for him. It seems kind of mean that Israel loved Joseph more- but there is cultural significance to this and it wasn't entirely uncommon. Children born at a parent's old age was considered a blessing from God because it didn't happen often. Having many children was an indication of being blessed and meant the continuation of a family heritage.

The word then goes on to say that Josephs brothers grew to hate him because their father showed him special favor.

This is where I want to pause and point out the significance (I believe) of the robe. The robe symbolized Joseph's place in the family. It was his identity in a way- and it was displayed for all his brothers to see. He was the youngest and so therefore didn't have the same birthright that a first born would have, yet, he was obviously favored by his father.

Joseph was a "seer". He had dreams from a young age of his brother's and parents bowing down before him. Now, I'm not entirely sure why he decided to share that with his brothers- but at that point, they became jealous and were filled with hatred. It says that while his father rebuked him for the dream, Israel kept the matter in mind- meaning that he pondered it and didn't throw it out. t was at that point that Joseph's brothers began to plot ways to get rid of Joseph.

His brothers had devised a way to kill Joseph making it look like an animal had eaten him, but one of Joseph's brothers- Reuban,  obviously torn- convinced them NOT to kill Joseph, but to throw him into a cistern, and then planned to come rescue Joseph later while the other brothers were gone.

Now, I've heard and read this story a hundred or more times. But on a particular day months ago, this verse stood out to me: "So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— ²⁴ and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."

They stripped him of his robe- his identity within the family line that symbolized his father's favor and love that they were highly jealous of. Whoa. 

They attempted to kill him, but thought better of it and decided to sell him into slavery instead, where he spent some time in prison. He was eventually promoted from prison and became the King's right hand man. He became highly favored, and indeed, his brothers came back and did bow before him- as he had dreamed so many years before. 

The part that I identified with is the stripping of the robe. I can't really articulate how painful of a process that is.  And the process of reestablishing your identity once it's been stripped at is equally as painful. I was raised in a family system that placed a high value on conformity- I had to play my part for my own survival, but on my own, I had no REAL value. My identity and value was solely for the function of the system as a whole (which to this day is a very warped and toxic system). Once I stopped meeting the needs of the whole- I was thrown out. This became clear to me as I began to heal and God began to give me pictures and ideas of who I was to him- my value as a person, a daughter to Him. As I began to wear that "robe" or identity, so to speak, there was definite opposition to that identity because it no longer met the needs of the toxic family system.

In many ways, I was stripped of my identity at a young age. The gifts and the heart that God had made with such care (Psalm 139- this is true for EVERYONE- not just me), were chipped away, little by little until only fragments remained.  He desired to bestow upon me this beautiful robe- which I believe we now see referred to in Isaiah 61:10 "For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest..." The righteousness that Jesus purchased for us on the cross IS our identity- we now stand before God the father as a much loved child- in a beautiful robe that signifies our placement and our value to him.  That's signed, sealed and delivered- but the process of RESTORING that identity, and establishing it so it becomes a healthy and functioning core can take quite some time. We need to colabor with Jesus in the process.

I was blown away by the symbolism in this but also how it corresponds to what Jesus has done- He has already made a provision for our identity on the cross. It's a sealed deal. People may try to steal that, they may try to rip off that garment, slander it, destroy it (for numerous reasons- but jealousy and hatred are two of the main attitudes you will see), but it's a sealed deal. And God is protective of that robe. It is highly valuable to him, and it ought to be highly valuable to us too- we need to cooperate with him in protecting that identity. 

My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Holy Spirit would begin to minister to those places where your identity has been stripped away- by life, by the world, by people- and that he would begin to take you on a journey of restoring those places to wholeness and complete healing.

Be blessed this week!

God and Suffering

I know…I'm sure the title wants to make you want to read more! juuuuuusssstttt kidding. But I do think this is a very important topic because we ALL will suffer at varying degrees throughout our lives. Some of us seem to suffer more than others, and I would love to have the answer as to why that is…but I don't.

I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things.  It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.

I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also  anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design.  If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.

It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning:  John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself." 

Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life. 

I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I?  Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way. 

I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood,  my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep. 

On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that! 

I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

For every problem...

Well, I guess it's about time I write about this here since it's kind of been all consuming for some weeks now.  I found out I was pregnant again in the middle of March. I started out very fearful- would I miscarry again? What if I couldn't have more children? Could I handle another miscarriage so soon? But…it was too late- I was already on that ride whether I was really ready to be or not. Because of my fear, I had asked the OB's office to do repeat HCG's at the beginning to ease my mind. It did the exact opposite because my numbers were "lower than they would like them to be" (although I later found out it was only because I was much earlier than we thought and the numbers were well within the normal range.) Because I was new to this particular practice- no doctor called me back. In fact, the office never even called me back after telling me my numbers weren't normal and we would just have to wait and see. Panic ensued. I was immediately right back in that ultrasound room where I learned that the second baby had died. It was not a pretty day.

Finally, however, one of the OB's called me back and assured me my numbers were well within the normal range for where I was at, and the only real way we could determine the health of the pregnancy was to do an internal ultrasound (aka transvaginal)…sounds fun eh?

That was at 5 weeks, so we really couldn't see anything besides the gestational sac (which is the first "structure" to develop inside the womb). Everything looked healthy and I was told to be seen in 2 weeks to see the development. Well, the day of my appointment, I started bleeding. Not just a little spot, but a full on gush of blood. I was terrified. I could not believe this was happening again. I thought for sure I had just miscarried so I called the OB's office and they got me in that day.

I had prepared myself for the worst and fully expected to see nothing on the ultrasound. But, to our surprise, the baby was there with a strong heart beat, measuring 7 1/2 weeks- right on schedule. They also saw the area of bleeding. They couldn't tell at that point where it was coming from, but the most likely cause is called a subchorionic bleed or hemorrhage and occurs when the egg first implants into the uterus and the placenta and amniotic sac starts to form- it doesn't attach all the way and the blood vessels leak inside the uterus. I was told to keep my fingers crossed, rest and we would just have to wait and see.

Because of the recent miscarriage- I was terrified of losing this one too. It definitely hit on some nerves emotionally and spiritually. Why was this happening again? It felt unfair because seeing blood on a daily basis is not only abnormal, but a bit triggering when you've lost a pregnancy in that way already. I wrestled pretty good with this for almost two weeks. I didn't realize it in the moment, but I was trying to bargain and perform so that God would give me a good outcome- yet, I know that this is largely based in a lie. I have done nothing to deserve God's grace and goodness in my life, and this situation is not punishment for any wrongdoing- yet, my automatic fall back was to perform so as not to experience another loss or disappointment. It was a rough two weeks because I desperately wanted to fall back on that performance, yet I knew nothing good would come of it. This could work out fine and it would have nothing to do with me, or it could end in the worst way and it would have nothing to do with how good I am.

I had another massive bleed at around 9 weeks, and ended up going to the ER because I just kept bleeding for hours and was afraid I was hemorrhaging. The baby looked good, but the bleed had actually GROWN and was completely surrounding the baby. I felt completely helpless. But, I had a pretty strong feeling that God was working on something in my heart because I could not rest. I felt restless and helpless. Not a good combination. Something needed to be settled. I knew it had something to do with performance, but I still couldn't put my finger on it. What it finally came down to was that I wanted God to do what I wanted, and I was not trusting that no matter what the outcome was- good or bad- that He would provide for me in every way that I needed. I also decided at this point that I wasn't NOT going to celebrate the pregnancy and treat it like any other pregnancy just because I was afraid of miscarriage. A million things could go wrong at ANY time during pregnancy- I wasn't going to deny myself the joy of that out of fear of losing.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but after a prayer time with a friend in which I asked for healing of my physical body, we also asked that I would understand what the Holy Spirit was praying for so that I could begin to agree with him. I saw a picture of Jesus holding one hand and the Holy Spirit holding my other hand and I knew I had a choice- I could grab hold of both of them, or I could hold onto this notion that the outcome of my situation had something to do with my performance and continue to try and control things. I decided to let go of that notion and grab ahold of the the only one that I knew would not fail me- even if this ended poorly- and that was Jesus.  I wouldn't say it was immediate, but I definitely noticed over the next few days just an immense peace wash over me. I knew that God was walking me through this one step at a time. I didn't know the outcome but  I felt protected and covered and fathered in a way that was incredibly intimate I can't fully explain.

**You can see below what are called placental lakes- the small black circle and the large black areas surrounding the gestational sac and baby is all blood. In a normal ultrasound- it would be grey indicating nothing else in the uterus but baby, placenta and sac.**

                                 *** WARNING- the next part is somewhat graphic***

I went in for my weekly scan at 11 weeks and again the baby looked great. I could see it wiggling around, heart fluttering away. The bleed was still there and was still significant enough that the doctor didn't feel I was in the clear yet. We all know the 12 week mark is one to be celebrated because it usually means the safe zone…every week felt like victory to me.

Saturday night, I crawled in bed and noticed I was having a bit more cramping than normal, but it wasn't painful. I had been bleeding this whole time, including clots, so when I passed some- it was not surprising to me. Over the next hour, the clotting and cramping intensified but it still wasn't BAD pain so I tried to go back to sleep. Well, it just grew exponentially worse from there. I whipped out my fetal doppler and immediately found the baby's heartbeat- so I figured this was just going to be my weekly blood emptying episode. The cramping intensified and I was unable to sleep through the pain, at which point  I knew something was wrong. Again I found the heartbeat so that consoled me a little bit- but the pain suddenly became so intense that I couldn't walk fully. It was 1245 in the morning by this time so I woke up my husband and told him I needed him to call his parents and have them come so he could take me to the doctor. They were there within 30 minutes to watch our 3 year old, and by then the pain was unbearable.

Having had one full term live birth, and a miscarriage, I have to say the main difference is that with the live birth there were breaks between contraction. With this- it was just one giant excruciating contraction that lasted for more than 2 hours. We hurried to the ER and were told there were no rooms available and would have to wait. So, there I sat bleeding and in so much pain I just had to sit there and cry because the only other option was to pass out. We waited. Believe it or not the pain got worse. I literally wanted to die in that moment because the pain was so intense- but it suddenly stopped and I felt a gush. I made my husband rush me to the bathroom, which thankfully was not occupied.

That gush was my water breaking- I felt something come out into the toilet so I reached down into the toilet bowl and  found what ended up being the baby. I picked it up and held it's precious little body in my hand. I can't fully describe what I felt in that moment. I felt incredible love and amazement- the baby was perfectly formed (although not yet viable outside the womb). It had every toe, every finger, tiny little lips and was curled up. I also felt immense sorrow- here was this sweet little thing that I have anticipated and prayed for- just lifeless in my hand. There was nothing to be done. There really are no words for that. I called my husband in and unfortunately didn't really have time to prepare him for what he was about to see- but somehow he knew. We just sat there in amazement and shock.

Somehow they had a room available for me immediately after that and the pain was still a 12/10 so I was given morphine. The rest of the early morning was spent doing an ultrasound to make sure I had passed everything, checking my labs to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood, and then I was sent home.

I felt that somehow- even without my knowing- God had prepared my heart. I was not fearful or anxious. I felt immense peace. The kind of peace that makes no sense for what you've just experienced. In that moment when I held the baby in my hands- I had an overwhelming feeling that God was holding me much the same. He too was weeping over my loss. That brought me so much comfort.

I am grieved- of course. I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt- because it does. It hurts badly. There is so much of our heart and mind and body that goes into having a child that to say the loss is insignificant is unthinkable. It is very significant. My plans that were shaped by "I'll be this pregnant at such and such time" have been changed in the matter of hours. I now have to go back and un-tell everyone I told. That is a painful thing to have to do. Our 3 year old asked me the next morning- as she does every day- "Did you sleep? Did the baby grow while you slept?" I was not prepared for that response or what I would say if she asked me. I just burst into tears. It was hard to tell her that the baby was all gone. Now her daily question is "did the baby fall out? Are you gonna get a new one?" Apparently she was attached the the little bean too...

There is this idea in Christian communities and churches sometimes that to have faith means we don't feel- fear, doubt, anxiety, anger. There is this religious notion that when bad things happen you did something wrong- as if we are living to appease an angry God. Well, if that is something you happen to believe- I would like to challenge that with the fact that punishment was done away with on the day that Jesus bore every sin, iniquity and disease upon the cross. That is done away with completely. We are not being punished when things go wrong. That used to be my frame of mind whenever the you-know-what would hit the fan. Now, even if I struggle to get there, the thought has become something more like this: If I am in Christ, then so are my circumstances. The word says that Jesus is seated with the Father in heavenly places. So, therefore- so is my problem because me and my problem are fully seated in Christ. So, if that is true- then what does this mean for my problem? And then it becomes a time of exploring that with God. Again- this doesn't necessarily dull the grief- that will be a process within a process- but I know that I am not without hope. That my future and hope are held in the Father's heart for me and I can trust in that.

Acceptance

I've been thinking about the idea of acceptance for a while now, probably because I'm struggling to grasp it, struggling to come to terms with several hardships that have come upon my life. I used to think of acceptance as only the final stage of grief, but as I'm learning- grief is cyclical and you can bounce around from denial to anger to bargaining, back to denial, and somehow land in acceptance. This doesn't have to take weeks or months, you can spin around in the grief cycle in one day. In my terms, acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of your situation (whatever that may be- death, loss, unemployment, WAITING…) and accepting it for what it is at this very moment.

When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.

I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us. 

Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.

The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it.  I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family.  That needs to be my first priority.

When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time.  I have to let go of the immediate wants.  Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )


We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.