Thankfulness

Well, It's been a while since Ive posted. Theres been a lot going on and I'm still kind of in a whirlwind.

I wrote in my last blog post that I was not going to see my mother before she died. Given that she was still adamant on not meeting me in a way that felt safe to me, I thought "what's the point?" I really did not want to go if it was going to turn our like every other interaction had been.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but she woke up one day out of her stupor and asked where I was. My grandma said "what do you mean?" My mom explained that she had thought she was talking to me and had I stopped by? My grandma said "no... M.E., why won't you just agree to meet with her on her terms?" And my mom said "well, fine." It must have occurred to her suddenly that this was the way she was going to leave the world- loose ends.

So, we got a call one evening that she had a agreed to see me with just my husband present. At first I was really upset. Why did she wait until the last minute? So I took my time processing that, but eventually realized I needed to go. I was anxious, of course...this was my abuser after all. Not exactly looking forward to the visit. But there were a lot of people praying and when the time came to go, I felt covered.

When I walked in, I started crying immediately. Not big sobs, just weeping. She started crying as well. She was kind. She asked us about our lives and what we had been up to. She made mention that she didn't know why we had drifted apart or what she had done, but that she was sorry. I didn't take the opportunity to discuss further, just acknowledged that I had already forgiven her and it wasn't something that needed discussion. She told me she was sorry that she wasn't there for me for the loss of my babies- that she should have been there for me. That was really hard for me to hear because I SO needed a mom during all of that.

It was very hard to see her in that state. A shriveled up version of herself. Skin and bones. She still had her nails painted nicely- appearance was always something that was very important to her.

It was a very surreal interaction. On one hand, I was very aware that this is the person who abused and bullied me for years- even recently. I was aware that I was interacting with a Borderline, and I could easily spot the borderline behaviors- yet, I was not triggered. She was on her best behavior and for that I am very grateful. Who knows how long it would have taken me to recover from that. We left after an hour because we had to pick up our daughter and get her to bed. I left feeling grateful for the interaction, knowing that I had been completely covered. That God had somehow taken over and she was not . It felt like a "supervised" visit, if you will. She was on er best behavior.

We visited two more times after that, and brought  our daughter to see her was when she was 18 months old. DD was excited to meet her and my mom just soaked it up. My mom did bring up some " off limit topics" but I manouvered around them. After that I felt like that was more than enough goodbyes for me and we didn't go back. It wasn't long after that that she passed away.

The funeral was...interesting. It was strange having people speak of her as such a wonderful person, when I had experienced much of the opposite. My mom wasnt all bad, of course she did good and nice things too. Of course, I didn't expect people to speak badly of her at her own funeral. It was odd to hear my sister give a eulogy basically saying that she likes how much she is like our mother. One of my brothers, as well as my brother in law avoided my husband and I like the plague- which I anticipated. It was ...interesting.

I have struggled throughout these last few months to keep perspective. Knowing and anticipating dealing with my FOO (Family of Origin) was less than appealing, and on a bad day, fairly anxiety inducing. I felt so tired in myself. No strength to muster. I was sorely lacking patience with my persistent family who fails to give me the space I so desire to grieve in the way that is appropriate for me. I can't count how many times I've wanted to say "I just want to be done dealing with them. They are obnoxious, mean, and unpleasant." This attitude really didn't help me persevere.  It didn't help that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and just in general, had no extra energy for stuff like this.

So, what have I learned hindsight? There are certain things that are unavoidable. I was not afforded the luxury of leaning on my own strength because I had none left! Thankfulness in who God is changes the atmosphere from one of overwhelm to joyfully waiting for His provision. This is hard...I'm not gonna lie. It is very difficult to be thankful when you are dealing with things you very much dislike.

I also got to put into practice some of the skills I've been learning over the last two years- distress tolerance, accepting that other people will view me how they want to and it CAN have absolutely no affect on how I view or feel about myself. I can assert myself and be confident in my decisions even when others do not like those decisions. Not the most fun...let me tell you. But necessary.

Endings and Beginnings

I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...

My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.

I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.

When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.

To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.

Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?

Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that.  And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good!  He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.

One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.

I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on

For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.

Never a dull moment

I was enjoying the quiet. I'd made some pretty radical and scary decisions in regards to my family.  I needed a break. I seemed to be having somewhat of a PTSD response to my mother, and even my brothers- just the whole issue of being harassed whenever I would make a decision that went against what the family unit wanted to do.  I decided to do what was best for me- which was to miss a few unnecessary events so I could work on my emotional processing and see if the Lord would show me what was causing this panic. And, of course, I was harassed for this.  "You're breaking mom's heart, nobody else has any problems with mom, so I don't understand what your problem is." All of a sudden, a light bulb went on.  I realized that there was a scary dynamic going on within my family that no one else was really seeming to acknowledge: there was one persons opinion, needs, and wants that are favored or rather, feared above all others- my mother's. Everyone is expected to do what makes her happy and suits her at the cost of yourself and your purpose. I realized that most families, at least the healthy ones, have respect and value for each individual and the strengths that they bring to the family. My family is not this way- it is heavily lopsided, and in my opinion, very unhealthy and wrong.  Since when is it considered the "Christian" thing to do to forsake yourself, your marriage, children, and even God himself for the wantan desires of a tyrant? It's not.

Even though it was painful, I learned something very valuable here, and it came from a revelation of who God is, and who He desires to be for me. "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty..." (2 Cor. 3:17), and "perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:8).  When fear, guilt, shame, or humiliation are present, you can be certain that there are some evil intentions in place. We are not to use manipulation or control to get our needs met, or force others to do what we want. We are to seek the ONE as the source of all those things, and we can count on Him to supply- whether that be through people, jobs, gifted money, whatever. What I learned was to recognize those internal signals. To take a look at what I'm motivated by in a situation- why am I afraid of saying no? Is it because I want to please people? Or because I'm afraid of what they will do or say about me? Is it because I've been shamed in some way? There are many different reasons.

So, I had just gotten to this place of enjoying peace. Boundaries were high up, set in place where I could finally relax and then my mom called. I didn't answer, but she left me a voicemail saying they had found a mass in her abdomen and the next day, it was confirmed as stage 3 ovarian cancer. Of course, I was hit with the news, and was immediately overwhelmed- not in concern for her health, per se, but with worry for what this meant for our relationship. Does this mean I have to get close to her again? Does this mean I change my boundaries? What will other people say (close family) if I am seldom present? And what I absolutely dread the most- that she will use this as another way to get the attention she needs, manipulating the sympathies of others. I can't be the judge of that, but I am rightfully concerned. This would not be the first time she has used a situation to her advantage, and truthfully, I don't even let myself think about it anymore because it makes me sick to my stomach. And, my decision really is no longer about her. I am protecting a healing wound, and I don't want to jump back in too quickly when the nerves are still fresh with pain.

If my mom truly has borderline personality disorder, this situation could become messy very quickly. It could also put her in the position to get a diagnosis as many people will be involved in her care. I really don't know how this is going to go. 

I used to live to please her- every move was dictated by her actions and responses. Part of the intensity and mess was because of my sensitive personality- it seems to have affected me more than the other three kids, but untangling those actions and responses, tracing them back to their roots is, to say the least...very difficult- not to mention time consuming. It's like a construction worker doing some demolition on an old, outdated building. When he knocks through the walls, he finds a mess of wires going to and fro throughout the house, untangling them one by one to trace them to their original source. It is a lengthy upheaval. But, in the end, the power will move more smoothly throughout the house, the electric bill will probably drop, and there won't be as many power shortages- if you catch my drift- it will be well worth it.

And, I am not doing this alone. Where I once viewed myself as a child begging their parent to meet their needs, I now see myself in the Father's affection- I know that in Him, my needs have ALREADY been met. It is His great love for me that pursues me, it follows me, surrounds me on every side. He is the example of parenting that I was lacking in so many ways.

I is still scary. I'm not going to lie. I still have a lot of work to do, and on top of that, I have a toddler, a husband, a job...one day at a time.