First, let me preface and say that I am by NO means calling myself an expert, or claiming that I have this thing down. I am sharing-very humbly- from a place that has been more painful than probably anything else I've experienced, and how I'm learning to move through it- imperfectly.
Disappointment. We've all been there at one time or another. And, I am fairly certain that it won't be the last time in the course of our earthly lives. We get disappointed when a tire pops on the freeway and we have to use all our savings to fix the car, when a child flunks out of school and has to redo that grade all over again, when someone fails us, we lose a job, a pregnancy, a loved one. You catch my drift. There can be a million different reasons why we land in the place of disappointment.
I want to touch on what we do when we become disappointed in God. It's not something Ive heard talked about much in church, or among leaders even. I've heard various verses thrown around "he gives and takes away", or "His ways are not our ways"- and all of those things are true- but that doesn't do much to change the fact that there is a rift and we don't know how to fix it. I know that I myself could barely admit that I have been there on more than one occasion. Almost like if I said it out loud, a bolt of lightening from heaven would come and strike me dead.
I have had certain expectations of God. Expectations I didn't know I had. I expected that since I'd already suffered so much, that I had met my quota and would suffer no more. I expected that my service to him during different seasons meant I wouldn't lose. In essence, it was all about religion. A series of deposits should equal a certain number of withdrawals, right? I had no idea what I was missing out on- relationally. He had so much more to give me.
Well, I hit a place recently with the miscarriages of tremendous pain, anger and resentment towards God. I was unwilling to admit it for fear I might collapse. Just poof- disappear into oblivion. You see- I KNOW that God is all I have. If I'm mad at him, then what hope do I have? What chance do I have of resolving my disappointment with a sovereign God who is by his very nature, GOOD? I knew something needed to be resolved. I knew there was a big wall in between him and me, and I wanted more than anything for that to be removed.
I met with a woman who I go to somewhat regularly for prayer ministry, and basically just sat down and told her where I was at. I wasn't sure how I got here. I felt tremendously confused and shaken to my core. I thought I was doing fine and then BAM. I hit a huge wall. We started praying and I asked God to show me the wall. I immediately saw a thick cement wall. I knew the wall was built of pain and disappointment. I knew that I had built the wall- unknowingly. I didn't know how to tear it down. We asked Jesus to show us how to take the wall down. I saw Him climb over the wall and embrace me and I began to weep. I was unable to contain the sorrow I had locked away in my heart. I understood that he wasn't asking me to change how I felt, but rather bring all of that stuff to him.
This wall had been built a long time ago in response to pain. It was built to protect me, and it did a fine job up until the point where it was no longer necessary or HEALTHY for me to keep it there.
All of a sudden I saw Jesus kneeling at my feet. He was asking me to forgive him for not healing me. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt in that moment. Me? Forgive Jesus? Jesus did nothing wrong...but my heart needed to forgive him for not meeting my expectation. For allowing me to experience such tremendous heartache that I feared it would consume me. The forgiveness was for me- and it was so he and I could continue to enjoy unbroken relationship. I felt his deep sorrow for my loss. I felt his compassion. I know that there was not a moment of this process that he has left me alone and without help.
What does it mean to forgive Jesus? Well, I'm going to take an excerpt from "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge:
"Forgive God? This idea is going to cause some readers to freak out. Just listen for a moment. If
you are holding something in your heart against Jesus- the loss of someone you love, a painful
memory from your past, simply the way your life has turned out- if you are holding that against
Jesus, well then, it is between you and Jesus. . And no amount of ignoring it or being faithful in
other areas of your life is going to make it go away. In order to move forward, you are going to
have to forgive Jesus for whatever these things are.... To forgive a person, we pardon a wrong
done to us. 'forgiving' Jesus means to release the hurt and resentment we hold against him. This
comes BEFORE understanding. We don't often know why things have happened the way they have
in our lives. What we do know is that we were hurt, and part of that hurt is toward Jesus, because
in our hearts we believe he let it happen. Again, this is not the time for sifting theological nuances,
but this is why it is so important for you to look at the world the way Jesus did- as a vicious battle
with evil. When you understand that you have an enemy that has hated your guts ever since you
were a child, it will help you not to blame this stuff on God. Anyhow, the facts are it happened, we
are hurt, and part of us believes Jesus should have done something about it, and didn't. That is why
we need to 'forgive' him. We do so in order that this part of us can draw near him again and receive
his love."
What I gleaned from that time of prayer is to let Jesus in. Let him in to all the disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness. It is proving to be an interesting process- given that I've spent a large majority of my life avoiding pain. Avoiding "ugly" emotions. Well, it seems, I'm no longer being allowed to do that. It does no good to avoid or pretend- only that which we expose to the presence of God can truly be changed or healed.
The other thing I want to address here is focus. Again- this is coming from a place of humility in saying that I am stumbling along trying to figure this out just as much as the next guy. But I want to say this: When it comes to dealing with disappointment, no matter what it is from, and we are tempted to believe that God won't be faithful or that He won't bring us through, I am learning to do what God commanded the Israelites to do as they were on their way to the promised land: Remember what he has done. Make an alter- figuratively speaking- of every place He has come through for you. If you have to write it out in a list, then do it. I've noticed when I choose to thank God for what I can, relying on the Holy Spirit to remind me of all those instances where God has come through in big and small ways, it causes my faith to rise up, and my fears to be silenced.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Friday, April 5, 2013
Pleasant Places
It's been an interesting few weeks. I've had an odd sense of peace about something I've never been able to really fully consider, much less NOT be anxious about. The mother I've adopted as my own used to say "You'll know it's right because you'll have peace about it." The only problem is, I didn't have peace about the things other people would normally have peace about. I have struggled with fear most of my life, I still do, although the more intimately I know Jesus, the more that fear fades...Anyway, back to my point. I truly had no real grasp of what she meant by that.
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
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