Individuating

I recently started reading "Boundaries" by two well known Christian authors, Cloud and Townsend. I had read the book 3 years ago, but I think I had very little grasp at what it all meant for me. It was difficult to digest at the time because I was at the very beginning of the process of understanding where I came from and the effect it has had on me.

I started reading it again, not to rehash the old stuff, but to address something new. There is a process that children go through from birth to age 3 that will form the foundation for every other relationship they will ever have. First, of course, is attachment. Where the baby bonds with mother and father (usually the mother first, then other caregivers), and learns that when they cry, their needs are attended to- even if the need is "just" to be loved. Then, around 9 months or so, baby begins the process of exploring and learning that it has a life away from mom- however, conflicts begin to arise because they still desperately need mom to survive. This continues and is called "hatching." You will often see during this stage that the infant moves away from mom, will look back at her to see what her response is, and either continue going or come back. You will also see the baby explore and seem happy and content being away, and then suddenly realize that they are separated from mom and want to be held close again. This revolving door of moving away and coming closer is essential to the baby learning trust in the caregiver: Both that they will be okay when separated, and in learning to trust that she will always return.

The differentiating/individuating stage is equally important, but a little more hostile. The child learns that she/he is fully separate from parents, both in wants and needs, and begins to seek where that boundary lies. Often, the word "no!" along with frequent tantrums is more common than peaceful, docile, moments- depending on the child. They are in constant search of discovering who they are apart from the caregiver, and at the very same time, they need loving boundaries, as well as parental praise that the child's independence and budding individuality is both acceptable and even welcome. For example, my little 2 year old (going on 15!) is discovering her own voice, and it is so very important for me to applaud that whenever I can, let her discover the world and show me by her behavior and actions what kind of boundaries she needs, as this will be different for every child. It is also important for me to praise her efforts to differentiate, and also welcome her with open arms when she decides she needs me. This individuating process happens again during adolescence when the child begins to question parents, beliefs, feelings, etc.

When this process is not allowed, welcomed or worse, is threatened by a caregiver, something profound and damaging happens. The child usually becomes overly compliant, never distinguishes that his/her own needs, desires or feelings are separate from the caregiver, and has a hard time knowing where boundaries should be placed. You may then see that that child grows up to be overly rigid with too many boundaries, or overly compliant with no internal boundaries. This also opens the door for other relational problems- enmeshment being one of the most destructive. This is what I experienced with my mother. I don't have memory of this happening as a toddler, per se, but most certainly when I was in jr high. I was the middle child, youngest daughter who was VERY compliant. My mother would often say that it always scared her that she didn't know what I was thinking or feeling- and my question then is "well, why didn't you ask?!" but, that's besides the point. My development was hindered during these stages for too many reasons to list, and just continued to get worse as I got older and continued down a path that my mom didn't like.

Love should never be withheld from a child during this stage- no matter how threatening their behavior appears. I'm not suggesting not placing any boundaries, but love and relationship and intimacy that is shared between a parent and the child should never be threatened as the child is learning to fly solo. This is not what happened in our household. There were many things I could not tell my parents, and it was very painful- because they were all good things. I couldn't trust my mom to keep any of my secrets, because you never knew when she would decide it was "her" story to tell and embarrass me. Not only that, but she would blatantly ignore me at family functions during a time when she was particularly displeased with me. This was confusing the say the least! And I had no internal boundaries with which I could say "that behavior is separate from me, I did not cause that", but instead,  I internalized her behavior and believed "This must really be all my fault. If I hadn't confronted her bad behavior, she would still love me." When, in a healthy relationship, the love is never threatened or used as a bargaining chip to win affection. NOT EVER. It is a destroyer of trust at the very minimum, and stifles growth of both parties. But, it has happened to me more times than I can count.

This does not just affect that one relationship, but every relationship that I have. It affects how I view other women, especially mother figures. It affects how I view authority figures and how I view myself. The fear of rejection runs deep. And it affects the relationship that I need the most-my relationship with God.  How does one learn how to view God? What happens when one parent abuses and the other ignores the abuse, and worse, doesn't confront the abuser? What happens when one parent uses the other parent to manipulate and control you? Your trust is nonexistent, and your view of God is warped- completely. You begin to view that God is both abusive and lacking compassion, neglectful, capricious, and only interested in what you can give him. You learn to believe that God is just waiting to hand down punishments for your wrongs, and that love is earned- yet unattainable. You are left in a place that unless your view of God changes drastically, you will not make it.

I would be lying if I said that I don't ever get angry about the above. I don't like it, and it's uncomfortable- especially since people who don't know me assume that they know more than I do about the situation, and if I would just "pray more" than I would be able to love my mother as I ought to. My wounds are invisible to the naked eye- but my husband and good friends know them well. God help us if this kind of thing would also be said to a battered wife or child! They assume that I must be hateful and unforgiving to not visit my mother who is undergoing chemotherapy, yet do not consider the risk  involved in returning to an abuser too soon in the healing process. They almost always take her side- and when I tell them details, they are shocked- "your mother did WHAT? Your mother said WHAT?!" and then immediately turn around and say "isn't there some part of you that says that life is to short, and maybe you're missing out on something good?" And I can say no...there is not one part of me that thinks that. Not even one. And it is not out of anger, or bitterness or anything of that sort. It is because I do not live for her anymore. It is because I think life is too short to sacrifice everything I am and everything that God made me for to be in an unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but enabling someone who has a problem with manipulation and control is NOT fair to them, nor is it kind or loving. When we do that, we are also stifling their growth, and the potential that is there for them to use the pain to face the truth about themselves and their behaviors. The truth is that our actions have consequences and allowing someone to experience those consequences isn't a matter of being unloving or unkind. This is probably the most loving thing anyone has ever done for my mother: I told her the truth. And I stuck to my guns (with many people holding my hand), and I told her who I am even though she believes I am the opposite. As hard as it has been, I allowed her the kindness of owning the fall out, because when you say "I own everything I ever did to hurt you", you are also saying that you own the right that the other person has to walk away and pursue healing.  And every person has the right to make that decision for themselves.

So, I've started the individuating process. It is scary, and I can tell you that even though my 2 year old can't tell me in words, I know exactly what she is going through. I've had to make myself notecards to carry around with me so that I can learn to be aware of my negative, battered thought processes and renew them with the love God has for me and the rights I now have as His Child.

They know not what they do.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this one, I suppose if I really thought of it, I could get pretty upset, but thanks to a new friend, I'm learning to look at this through a different filter. A young lady and her two children have moved in with my mom temporarily. I really know no details since my mother and I are not talking. However, I felt that similar bitter taste in my mouth when I heard. I felt that same pang of rejection- I am being replaced. I didn't meet her needs so she is looking to someone else. I have allowed myself the necessary grief of feeling the feelings: I'm not good enough for her love, I'm certainly not worth fighting to keep. I was too much and not enough all at the same time. I have to feel it and get it out otherwise it festers. Once I let that out, then I realize that is not true of me. Also, I'm the one who chose to separate from her because of her toxic behavior and her uncanny ability to bring me down faster than anything I've ever known.

My mother is not well. She doesn't think and process things normally. This doesn't make her less of a person, nor does it make her invaluable. This makes her a wounded person who is just trying to get her needs met. I am coming to a place slowly and hopefully for good, where I realize everything she ever did or said that negatively affected me wasn't even about me. It certainly wasn't for me, but had little to do with me at all. I've heard a phrase that says something like "how people treat you says more about who they are than who you are." So, for example, if someone belittles you, mocks you, rejects you- it shows more about their character than your value. But it's taken me a bit of work to realize that how my mother views me is inaccurate and based on faulty information.

This is what I have learned: a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (or anything along that spectrum) operates mainly out of shame and fear. Fear of rejection, and shame at perceived rejection. It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" complex. They manipulate out of a desperate need to feel in control, and often have no idea they are being manipulative.They cannot own their own negative actions and behaviors because that would mean that they are bad, and since they cannot handle that information, they rewrite history so that they are perceived in a much better light. This is where narcissism comes in too- grandiosity of thinking. Thinking that they are greater than they are so they don't have to face the reality of the things they have done that have caused pain. This is a very simplistic description, obviously, there is way more I could write about this but I'm trying to keep it simple.

I cannot trust my mother. I don't think that I ever will. What I want and what I have in front of me are two very different things. What I want is a mom who I can trust, who I can share my secrets with, who I can LAUGH with and cry with. Short of a miracle, this is not going to happen and I have to let that rest on the alter. What I have is a mother who does not know what she has done. She does not value me as a person, because someone who values another person cares about their feelings, cares about earning back their trust, and has a respect of other people's boundaries even if they don't like them.

A conversation with my mother would go like this
Mom: "Why don't you want to be around me?"
Me: " Because I cannot trust you. You hurt me"
Mom: "Well you hurt me to. I don't trust you either. You're being selfish. Why are you always rejecting me?"

A healthy parent would understand their responsibility and role as the parent to reestablish trust and would say "I'm sorry. Can you be more specific as to how I lost your trust and what I can do to earn it back." Which then sends the message "Your feelings are important to me. I love and value you."

All relationships are built on trust, so without trust, where can we go? I realize this post seems perhaps lacking in compassion, but it's really not. I care deeply for my mother. I want her to experience wholeness and joy just like God intends for her. And I know that as her loving Father, He will take care of her as only He can do. It was a burden I was never meant to carry in the first place, so now I am leaving her in His hands, along with the remnants of the relationship. I am willing to do whatever He asks of me, and right now, He has asked me to lay it down. Until He tells me to pursue it again, it's not happening! And I'm okay with that.

I never thought I'd make it...

You have heard me gripe and complain about my family life- and I want you to know that I share not because I want to talk badly about my mother, but rather, I feel my story is important...everyone has their story, and I feel it ought to be shared! It's not to rat my mother out as some horrible awful person...because she isn't! it's to free up my soul of the pain of the past so I can run FULLY in the present.

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally. 

I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.

I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.

At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide?  So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.

She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.

Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.

The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first.  There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.

Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.

My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.

Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.

I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.

Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.

I don't know how to do this...

I feel like this on an almost daily basis...my father recently passed away, and I don't know what to do with my mom. The pain is overwhelming...and I cannot carry hers. If you knew my mother and her propensity to cling to you and suck the life out of you, (however unintentionally) perhaps you could understand my dilemma.

I wasn't given the room as a child to express my emotions and feelings about things, although I highly doubt this was on purpose. Both of my parents came from fairly dysfunctional families, and did the best they could under extremely overwhelming circumstances. It's no wonder that now, even still, in her presence, I am silenced...I fear her disapproval, her criticism. All I really want is for her to accept me as I am, and not make snide remarks about how I "need help" getting my house organized (and REALLY...it is NOT that bad!)...we bought a fixer upper, and that's exactly where we are at...fixing it up! But that's besides the point...

I don't know how to help her. I closed my heart off to her a long, long time ago, and it is difficult to want to open it again for fear that she will see what's inside and want to discard it like yesterday's garbage...for fear that she will gain access and lose sight of the boundaries. She is a boundary-less person,  and likes it that way, it appears. Which would explain why she tries to control everything and flips out when it doesn't go according to plan.

The hardest part about my dad dying, was not his death, per se...it was the life that was left behind him. My dad and I were very close, and I would take a stab and say that he and I were the closest out of the other kids. I just seemed to get him, and he me. In a way, I felt like I lost the only one who really cared about me, and cared about me more than his pride.

The hardest part about forgiveness is walking the tightrope of letting go of the past, and using WISDOM with your heart in the present...God says to "guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." Your heart contains all that you are, and it is worth fighting for. So mom, please forgive me if I don't let you in so easily.

I don't know how to do this right...there is no book where i can flip to, say, chapter 19-your mom is slightly crazy, has broken your heart, your dad is now dead, and she is sucking the life out of you- and how to push her away gently! Ha... I wish! But, this is a lesson I believe God is affording me...to learn to use my voice. I always felt the need to go to others for advice, for their approval of an idea or thought (I still kind of do). I never felt completely comfortable making a decision on my own. I would be plagued with PARALYZING fear...paralyzing...what if I made a horrible mistake? What if I let someone down, or hurt someone? the list goes on and on. This lesson He is affording me is the opportunity to be myself...fully and completely myself, with the ability to fail, and the ability to greatly succeed! And in the process, not only will I gain self confidence, but I will learn more of His heart for me.

So, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was younger...but, even if I had, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm thankful that I am learning this while my marriage and child are young so I can grow from this!