Dismantling Shame

I want to talk about some past experiences that I have learned from, and gained insight into as the years have passed by. A few years ago, I was on the receiving end of a very bitter dissolving of a friendship. I had reached out to a friend after the passing of my mother, and decided to be vulnerable and let her know what my needs were. This was a HUGE step for me in my healing process, and something I would have never done before. I knew that she could say no, and I made my peace with that. I was prepared for her to not be able to be there for me. What I did not expect however, was to be told that I wasn't allowed to have needs, and that my needs were inappropriate and wrong, and that I was only to take those deep things to Jesus. Now- there is a God sized hole that we all have in our lives, and there are certain areas that only he can feel. But we cannot deny the need for community and relationship- we were designed for it. And in many regards, we only heal from past relationship disasters through healthy relationship interactions.

Now, a healthy person may be on the receiving end of this and say "well...that is a load of poop! I don't believe a word you say!" That was not my reaction, however.

You may be wondering as the reader, why did it stick? Why did I believe it? Shouldn't I, a grown adult woman, know what is true of myself? Well, not necessarily. For starters, I was raised in an environment where my intuition, my feelings and perceptions were constantly in question. I was rarely validated, and thus I never learned the importance of validating myself. As I've said in many previous posts, my mother suffered from Borderline personality disorder. It was pervasive and permeated every corner of her life, and subsequently our lives. I was wired for dysfunction, to put it lightly. I tend to feel that I am responsible for the reactions and responses of others, because that's how I was raised. It was my fault if my mother flew into a rage. It was my fault if she was sad, or distressed or just didn't want to be a mom that day. As I got older, and TRIED to individuate and differentiate,  as children are meant to do, my every move, and intention was questioned if it did not suit her needs. This made me feel crazy. I was told, on a regular basis, how I ought to feel, that my feelings were not normal, that I was crazy and incapable of making decisions, etc. These were all projections, but I believed for the majority of my life that there was something was profoundly wrong with me on a very basic level. I was raised to believe I was incapable of handling life. 

Fast forward, and what do you get? I was terribly anxious about making decisions...even little decisions, like where to go to eat. I would look around at the reactions and responses of others who would be affected by my decision.  God seemed to strategically put people in my life who would challenge this and force me to make decisions, and I'm grateful he did! I believed the lie that I couldn't handle the outcome of my choices  and thus would just sit like a paralyzed goat, unable to move or think. 

In healthy relationships, this wouldn't  be a problem because I would be surrounded by people who believed in me more than I believed in myself and thus "called out the gold", so to speak. I began to slowly believe that I was capable of making decisions, and thus my anxiety diminished. I began to create a new history of making good decisions and being able to handle it if I made a poor one. The same has been true for trusting my perceptions. When you are raised in an environment where you are made to feel crazy for how you feel, think and process, when you are told that certain traumatizing events never happened and that you just made it up, you find it nearly impossible to trust your own perceptions and intuition, which is our  God-given gps system.  Again in healthy relationship, this wouldn't be a problem because I was surrounded by people who worked as hard to understand me as I did them. There was mutual respect and a desire to grow and be the best humans we can be. 

What happens when this is challenged? When you are told that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings are invalid, and therefore you don't deserve to be in relationship because you are somehow so terribly flawed? If there is a giant crack in your foundation, as I had in mine, you will feel profound shame, and perhaps even self hatred.  I believed the lie that on a very basic level, I was flawed and therefore unfit for relationship. That I didn't deserve kindness, comfort or nurturing. My big question at that time is "why do I believe this lie"? It had to come from somewhere. And sure enough...it did. Not just one time, but many times through the course of my life. I had been kicked out, for lack of a better term, and deemed unfit. Not worth fighting for. Easily discarded. It's no wonder I believed that I deserved the treatment from this friend at a time when I genuinely needed someone. 

I began to look at my shame and decided I didn't want it there anymore. I was kicking it out- no matter how long it took me. I began the slow and grueling process of dismantling shame. This is not an easy task, and for me required me to look at my past and get healing from some hurts that I was unknowingly carrying around. I believed the lie that if I showed all of myself, even my flawed parts, that I would be rejected. And I was- by humans. But I have never been rejected by God. And through this, I have found pieces of my identity that were hiding underneath my fear.  The fear of losing that caused me conform or become a chameleon. I see some areas where I began to hide my true self out of fear of being rejected or misunderstood. Times where I was teetering on the edge of allowing myself to be controlled for another persons comfort. Don't get me wrong- there is nothing worse than betrayal or rejection. It HURTS. It has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but I also see some strength emerging that was not there before. I am no longer willing to NOT be fully myself. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in her book "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't!)". You cannot have courage without vulnerability, and I am not willing to pretend to be perfect in order to avoid rejection. I am not willing to be less of myself in order to make others happy or comfortable. 

So, how do we heal? How do we face our insecurities and fears and not hide from the world when that seems like the easiest solution? 

For starters, throughout this whole ordeal of losing one of my closest friends during a time of need, God has been faithfully speaking and ministering to me through dreams and scripture. I would often wake up with a verse floating through my mind. I have learned to plant myself there and craft prayers out of those verses. I would stay there until he dropped another thought or dream into my head. As Graham Cooke says "I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this problem." I became determined to heal. To not walk around with this undercurrent of fear and shame. I have learned the value of process. That God isn't asking us to be stoic or perfect. I think the Psalms  are a perfect indication that we are permitted to process. That it is necessary! To cry out to God in our distress, lack, misery and as we turn ourselves to him, He heals and restores, and shows us more of himself. I will be honest and say that at times it has felt like what he has given me has not been enough. 

One thing that I have been SEVERELY challenged by is that God often gives me a word that is in direct opposition of how I feel. For example, the day after "the incident", I woke up to Psalm 63 floating in my mind, specifically the verse that talks about being satisfied with marrow and fatness. I thought "ha! yeah right...all I feel right now is loss and lack and absence and I'm afraid it might just consume me."  So I have learned, however begrudgingly, to follow His lead and even if all I can do is whisper the promise- I do. I declare it. I WILL be satisfied. I WILL lack no Good thing. It may not be today- but always eventually.

I would HIGHLY encourage you to buy or rent from the library Brene Brown's books...any of them. They are pure gold! 

Identity Crisis

I was raised, and we all are to some extent, believing lies about myself. Things that people say stick to us, and that old addage that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you", is a lie. Words are like arrows. They can pierce and destroy, or they can bring life.

I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.

I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.

Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us.  David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.

In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.

When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.

It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One  cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.

What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.

The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.

Individuating

I recently started reading "Boundaries" by two well known Christian authors, Cloud and Townsend. I had read the book 3 years ago, but I think I had very little grasp at what it all meant for me. It was difficult to digest at the time because I was at the very beginning of the process of understanding where I came from and the effect it has had on me.

I started reading it again, not to rehash the old stuff, but to address something new. There is a process that children go through from birth to age 3 that will form the foundation for every other relationship they will ever have. First, of course, is attachment. Where the baby bonds with mother and father (usually the mother first, then other caregivers), and learns that when they cry, their needs are attended to- even if the need is "just" to be loved. Then, around 9 months or so, baby begins the process of exploring and learning that it has a life away from mom- however, conflicts begin to arise because they still desperately need mom to survive. This continues and is called "hatching." You will often see during this stage that the infant moves away from mom, will look back at her to see what her response is, and either continue going or come back. You will also see the baby explore and seem happy and content being away, and then suddenly realize that they are separated from mom and want to be held close again. This revolving door of moving away and coming closer is essential to the baby learning trust in the caregiver: Both that they will be okay when separated, and in learning to trust that she will always return.

The differentiating/individuating stage is equally important, but a little more hostile. The child learns that she/he is fully separate from parents, both in wants and needs, and begins to seek where that boundary lies. Often, the word "no!" along with frequent tantrums is more common than peaceful, docile, moments- depending on the child. They are in constant search of discovering who they are apart from the caregiver, and at the very same time, they need loving boundaries, as well as parental praise that the child's independence and budding individuality is both acceptable and even welcome. For example, my little 2 year old (going on 15!) is discovering her own voice, and it is so very important for me to applaud that whenever I can, let her discover the world and show me by her behavior and actions what kind of boundaries she needs, as this will be different for every child. It is also important for me to praise her efforts to differentiate, and also welcome her with open arms when she decides she needs me. This individuating process happens again during adolescence when the child begins to question parents, beliefs, feelings, etc.

When this process is not allowed, welcomed or worse, is threatened by a caregiver, something profound and damaging happens. The child usually becomes overly compliant, never distinguishes that his/her own needs, desires or feelings are separate from the caregiver, and has a hard time knowing where boundaries should be placed. You may then see that that child grows up to be overly rigid with too many boundaries, or overly compliant with no internal boundaries. This also opens the door for other relational problems- enmeshment being one of the most destructive. This is what I experienced with my mother. I don't have memory of this happening as a toddler, per se, but most certainly when I was in jr high. I was the middle child, youngest daughter who was VERY compliant. My mother would often say that it always scared her that she didn't know what I was thinking or feeling- and my question then is "well, why didn't you ask?!" but, that's besides the point. My development was hindered during these stages for too many reasons to list, and just continued to get worse as I got older and continued down a path that my mom didn't like.

Love should never be withheld from a child during this stage- no matter how threatening their behavior appears. I'm not suggesting not placing any boundaries, but love and relationship and intimacy that is shared between a parent and the child should never be threatened as the child is learning to fly solo. This is not what happened in our household. There were many things I could not tell my parents, and it was very painful- because they were all good things. I couldn't trust my mom to keep any of my secrets, because you never knew when she would decide it was "her" story to tell and embarrass me. Not only that, but she would blatantly ignore me at family functions during a time when she was particularly displeased with me. This was confusing the say the least! And I had no internal boundaries with which I could say "that behavior is separate from me, I did not cause that", but instead,  I internalized her behavior and believed "This must really be all my fault. If I hadn't confronted her bad behavior, she would still love me." When, in a healthy relationship, the love is never threatened or used as a bargaining chip to win affection. NOT EVER. It is a destroyer of trust at the very minimum, and stifles growth of both parties. But, it has happened to me more times than I can count.

This does not just affect that one relationship, but every relationship that I have. It affects how I view other women, especially mother figures. It affects how I view authority figures and how I view myself. The fear of rejection runs deep. And it affects the relationship that I need the most-my relationship with God.  How does one learn how to view God? What happens when one parent abuses and the other ignores the abuse, and worse, doesn't confront the abuser? What happens when one parent uses the other parent to manipulate and control you? Your trust is nonexistent, and your view of God is warped- completely. You begin to view that God is both abusive and lacking compassion, neglectful, capricious, and only interested in what you can give him. You learn to believe that God is just waiting to hand down punishments for your wrongs, and that love is earned- yet unattainable. You are left in a place that unless your view of God changes drastically, you will not make it.

I would be lying if I said that I don't ever get angry about the above. I don't like it, and it's uncomfortable- especially since people who don't know me assume that they know more than I do about the situation, and if I would just "pray more" than I would be able to love my mother as I ought to. My wounds are invisible to the naked eye- but my husband and good friends know them well. God help us if this kind of thing would also be said to a battered wife or child! They assume that I must be hateful and unforgiving to not visit my mother who is undergoing chemotherapy, yet do not consider the risk  involved in returning to an abuser too soon in the healing process. They almost always take her side- and when I tell them details, they are shocked- "your mother did WHAT? Your mother said WHAT?!" and then immediately turn around and say "isn't there some part of you that says that life is to short, and maybe you're missing out on something good?" And I can say no...there is not one part of me that thinks that. Not even one. And it is not out of anger, or bitterness or anything of that sort. It is because I do not live for her anymore. It is because I think life is too short to sacrifice everything I am and everything that God made me for to be in an unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but enabling someone who has a problem with manipulation and control is NOT fair to them, nor is it kind or loving. When we do that, we are also stifling their growth, and the potential that is there for them to use the pain to face the truth about themselves and their behaviors. The truth is that our actions have consequences and allowing someone to experience those consequences isn't a matter of being unloving or unkind. This is probably the most loving thing anyone has ever done for my mother: I told her the truth. And I stuck to my guns (with many people holding my hand), and I told her who I am even though she believes I am the opposite. As hard as it has been, I allowed her the kindness of owning the fall out, because when you say "I own everything I ever did to hurt you", you are also saying that you own the right that the other person has to walk away and pursue healing.  And every person has the right to make that decision for themselves.

So, I've started the individuating process. It is scary, and I can tell you that even though my 2 year old can't tell me in words, I know exactly what she is going through. I've had to make myself notecards to carry around with me so that I can learn to be aware of my negative, battered thought processes and renew them with the love God has for me and the rights I now have as His Child.

Identity Crisis

I'm having a sort of identity crisis. In the course of two years, I have lost both of my parents. One to brain cancer, and the other to a personality disorder. However,  this unearthed some truths that I had not yet faced- I never really had them in the first place. I never had good, healthy relationships with either of them. Although it wasn't all bad, it certainly wasn't foundationally good either. I was closer to my Dad, but my relationship was more what he wanted than what I needed it to be.

So, now that there is no "pretend" relationships happening, and by that I mean I am not feigning that things are right or dancing around issues anymore- the hole is exposed. I am left with questions about God that I never have had before. Will He meet me here?

When you have based your identity on performance which is essentially a shame based system, you are never FULLY loved. You learn to only expose the parts of yourself that are acceptable. So, for me, that meant never expressing that I needed something, whether it was comfort, quality time, money, clothes, etc. I just simply did not express it. I learned that I was not safe as I was, I could never fully relax or let my guard down- I still really struggle with this.

Side note: my parents were not aweful people, they were broken and the product of their own dysfunctional upbringings. I definitely wish things were different, but I can also see how their own woundedness kept them from fully loving us. That task now, belongs to God.

So, I am in this uncomfortable place where my hurts and pains are exposed, God's word says over and over and over again that it is His desire to heal, restore to wholeness, redeem, make new...Yet, I question if he REALLY wants to. I mean, will He REALLY come through for me? Does He really want to re-parent me? Oh, how I want to believe!!! Yet, something in me is holding back and I know it's because I am afraid I will fail and be rejected. Obviously, I know in my head this is not the case, but my heart doesn't know it.

How do we get from not knowing or understanding our worth to fully understanding who we are and what we were made for? I believe one of the primary ways we begin to move from a place where we are lacking to a place of restoration is the word of God, specifically, in what Graham Cooke calls "inheritance words". These are words that you KNOW are for you because when you read them, they seem to pop out of the page, they grab a hold of you. This word is God's declaration to you of what He desires to do in your situation, in your heart, in your family, etc. The reason I believe Cooke calls them "inheritance words" is because they are ours by right of the blood of Jesus- they are our inheritance.

The way Graham Cooke describes marinating in these inheritance words is by crafting them into prayers. So, I have begun to take a few passages that the lord gave to me a long time ago, and some that have been given to me by other people, and have just begun to make them the cry of my heart. I want God to meet me here- and I know that is His desire as well, even though at times (like today) I can hardly believe it. But it is how we begin to move from the old to the new, and begin to take hold of WHO and WHOSE we are by the blood of Jesus. When we begin to know who we are, like really know it, our behavior and actions start following suit, not the other way around. When we know how perfect His love towards us is, we have no reason to fear and we gain a new confidence. Our behavior lines right up because we know, absolutely, that He has our best in mind.