Worth fighting for.

Since my last post, not a whole lot has changed. My mother is trying to paint a picture of me that is false to the people that I love and feel safe with. It is extremely hurtful, but unfortunately not the first time she has done this. Somehow- I manage to forget that she does these things until it happens again, and Im forced to remember the very nature of my mother. It is also not uncommon among Borderline's to use this campaign of denigration (read about it here http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html?m=1)  as a form of retaliation on the person whom she feels has abandoned her. If she can't get to me, than she will use others to get to me. And she will try to destroy relationships with those who are close to me in order to bring me down as well, either to harm me or to get me to come back to her. Even though I knew what my mother was doing in her latest email to my mother in law, and I knew she was wrong, it still hurt quite a bit that she is lying about me. She blatently lied to make me look bad, telling my MIL that I refuse to talk to my siblings and that she is "concerned" that I  am mentally unstable... because according to her, me setting clear blundaries and sticking to them, indicates my mental instability. First of all- I do speak to my siblings. I engage them in conversations about their lives.  I am genuinely interested in their daily lives. I do not, however, engage in triangulating conversations regarding my mother. and given the number of times my mother had received information from my siblings, I have chosen to be very careful what information I share with them.

At first, I felt helpless. I wanted to jump right back in the ring, defend myself and maybe theow a few punches. I felt angry, and I cried. My own mother is lying about me and exaggerating my past struggle with anxiety to paint a picture of mental instability. If I were to stand up and get in the ring with her and try to defend myself, she would only use that as evidence that I am mentally ill or unstable or emotionally explosive- as if showing strong emotion or setting clear boundaries indicates that? You see... borderlines are very good at making one look and feel crazy. they trap you into corners, and then mock you as you stand defenseless. You cannot win with a borderline, so the only way to "win" is to stay out of the game. My husband hates this. He wants me to jump in and knock her out. And as much as sometimes I would love to do that, I know that it will do no good.

I didn't know what to do with this new information. My own mother. Flesh and blood. Ouch. I gave myself time to let it sink in, and I didn't shut myself down when the anger came. I am learning that it passes much quicker if I don't suppress it. Mind you, I'm not raging, throwing things through walls or breaking mirrors...I'm simply feeling it. Anger is one of those emotions that is often shunned in church circles, but it is a God given emotion and is often useful for helping define personal boundaries. It also helps us to know when we need to move forward and confront something:

       John 2:13-17 "Now the Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up   

     to Jerusalem. ¹⁴ And He found in the temple those who sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers doing business. ¹⁵ When He had made a whip of cords, He drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the tables. ¹⁶ And He said to those who sold doves, “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” ¹⁷ Then His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for Your house has eaten^[a] Me up.”^[b

I imagine Jesus must have felt intensely angry for him to have been able to drive out sheep and oxen out single handedly, AND turn over the money changer's tables. The anger he felt led him to confront what was going on in God's house that was not ok. Anger is a God given emotion- but it is not to be used to harm others. This is where we have to pray, and perhaps get counsel on how to experience our anger in a way that will lead to healing, and then learn what to do with our anger. And- we cannot forget that Jesus was fully human. He was humanity in its best form. We cannot forget that when God made us, with our wide range of emotions and emotional expressions- he called his work GOOD. And a huge  part of our redeeming and restoring process is  to have healed emotions. 

I woke up this morning in a funk. I wanted out of the process. A pity party may or may not have been thrown.  I was not agreeing with God's plan on this- even though He has given me some insight as to what that plan is, and I have some idea as to what He is up to.  I'm not loving the walking-it-out part at the moment- it hurts. Truth be told, I want my family to leave me alone. I want to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I don't know what else to say to them that would make them understand, and they don't really seem to be coming from a place where they want to understand me anyway, so what's the point? I had several moments where I didn't want to use my shield of faith and withstand the enemy- I wanted to give in to self pity. I didn't want to live up to my name "Strong and able." I wanted a break. 

At some point, I have to be okay with the fact that I know that God has led me here- even when others accuse me. I know that I am in the right, and that God is for me in this. This is where the rubber meets the road. There will always be opposition when we make right choices- especially where the enemy is involved. He wants nothing more than for us to stop short of our inheritance in Christ. What is our inheritance then? This is a short list: We are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17),  we are adopted and we can call God our father (Romans 8:15), we have a defender who stands between us and all false accusations- we do not need to defend ourselves (Isaiah 49:25). Accusation always comes from the enemy- by the way. Jesus stands in the gap between everything we have lost, all of our hurts and failures and makes a way for us to be whole. 

This is part of the renewing of our minds- exchanging one thought for another thought. Out of fear and hyper-vigilence, I look around afraid of what will come next. Jesus tells us to look to him- the author and finisher of our faith. Not to look around and be afraid (Isaiah 41:10) because He promises to be our God. So, when the thoughts and fears come, I have to choose to hold God to his word, to not look around and be afraid or terrified. I might be angry, afraid, hurt, rejected- but He will do as he promised for me and YOU. For every problem, there is a provision. It is worth fighting for. 

The Positives

It's been a bit since I've written- I usually don't realize I need to get stuff out on "paper" until it's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed weeping for who knows what! I sometimes wonder if I should be more positive- I feel like this is expected as a Christian. Certainly, God want's us to be positive, and I do believe God wants us to learn to have His perspective and attitude about our circumstances- to realize He is in them all, and that He is always with us, helping us to rise above. But, it is not a God  idea to pretend that things are okay when they are not, to pretend to be happy about something that is intensely painful such as rejection and abandonment. I think that is actually a trap and keeps us isolated in our struggles and pain, allowing the devil to take advantage of an already weakened position when we ought to be reaching out for healing and comfort from God's people. Unfortunately, many of God's people do not actually know God- as in personally know Him. We know the bible, we know our should's and our should not's. We know what to do to avoid punishment, and we definitely know what to do to obtain praise- in other words, we know religion, but do we know Jesus? If all we know is religion, we will live our life in misery because God is real and He is intensely PERSONAL with us. Granted- not ALL Christians are this way, and I feel very blessed and grateful to go to a church that the majority are full of grace.

One of my all time favorite chapters in the bible is Psalm 18. David is "complaining" about the unfairness of Saul's treatment and attacks of him. Saul's relentless jealousy and pursuit of David was wearing him out. For some reason, I always managed to skip the middle section of chapter 18 (it's kind of a long chapter). But what was God's response to David's turmoil? He certainly didn't tell him to "pray harder" or that he really ought to have a more positive attitude, that he needed to bless Saul more and maybe he would stop attacking him. I think it's important to note what was operating in Saul's life at the time: jealousy and an evil spirit. He was running on pride and entitlement. God does not condone those behaviors because essentially Saul had opened himself up to an evil spirit and according to psalm 18, David knew he had done nothing to deserve that maltreatment. He was innocent at heart and truly only wanted the best for Saul. David didn't choose to be king, he was CHOSEN and Saul couldn't stand that. It really is a sad scenario...but back to my question: How did God respond? It says in Chapter 18 that smoke blew from God's nostrils, that he rendered the heavens and came down, He rescued David from those who were too strong from him, He knelt down to make him great, that He gave David the strength to pursue every enemy and overtake them. What does this tell us about God? That HE takes personally what we take personally- He desires to defend, protect and restore- He does not preach platitudes. He IS compassion, grace, love and mercy. He never tells us to try harder or to just get our act together and then "maybe" he will bless us. He IS goodness personified.

The question I ask myself is this: are we being JESUS to others, or do we just say what is easy at the time because we are uncomfortable with the human condition? Jesus was not uncomfortable with the human condition- not ever. Its a tough one to answer. And truly, we can only give what we have received from God- so what we know of Him is what we will pass along. If we learned from our parents or other authority figures that God is critical, shaming, negative and cold, then that is how we perceive God and that is how we will treat others. We need to experience all that He is and let it change us from the inside out.

So, what the heck am I talking about? Well, I would not have made it through this last two years of dealing with my father's death, post- partum depression, panic attacks, a brain injury and subsequent brain treatments, and the dealing of all of my feelings and emotions due to my mother's mental illness and the intense pain that has caused me had it not been for people who WERE Jesus to me. Who showed me who Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit want to be for me- who HE has been all along, I was just too wounded to see it. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance- not shame, condemnation or fear. It is His mercy that heals our wounds.

Unfortunately, I don't think many Christians want to think how I really feel about my parents. Certainly, I love them- there are things about them that I am FOREVER grateful for, and I would not change those things. But the honest truth today? I am sorely disappointed in them, how the treated me and my siblings, and the picture of God that they left me with. I cannot change that I am disappointed, because I know how it SHOULD have been- and that's okay, because I also know that they couldn't give what they didn't have- and they both came from dysfunctional, broken homes. I just really wish things had been different.

I am now in a place where I am looking at the positives (or trying to): They gave me Jesus- and that is a priceless gift. Where would I be without Him?! The pain they caused due to rejection and abandonment led me to a place of desperation that if God did not rescue me, I was as good as dead. I have told God this so many times I can't even count it. And because of that I have experienced God- I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned the importance of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, allowing myself to be exposed to healthy, loving people so I could learn to walk appropriately. I know the importance now of taking care of my physical and mental health.

If you need a new experience of who God is for you, and what He wants to do for you- ask Him to! HE is glad to do this, because He wants to be our everything.