Jesus LOVES your process

I know I've written before about accepting that my journey has been so very different from others. Or so it seems, anyway. Accepting that I can't force it to fit the mold of anyone else's life or process. I often fear that others won't accept me because my life is too intense for them. I'm leaning to care less what other's think, but it has not been easy as I tend to fall very easily into the trap of people pleasing.

Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!

And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD.  He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.

I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.

I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Identity Crisis

I was raised, and we all are to some extent, believing lies about myself. Things that people say stick to us, and that old addage that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you", is a lie. Words are like arrows. They can pierce and destroy, or they can bring life.

I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.

I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.

Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us.  David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.

In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.

When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.

It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One  cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.

What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.

The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.

Insecurity

Insecurity may be the feeling that I loathe the most. Why? Because it makes people do stupid things. Things that they would otherwise, on a good day, month, or year, never do. I've struggled with a lot of things over the course of the last few years, not the least of which is insecurity. I've been exposed in a lot of ways because the healing process requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can bring correction as well as praise. This has been my season of correction. Not necessarily because I've done anything wrong,  per se, but there are certain thought patterns, defense mechanisms and coping skills that are being exposed and they are not adequate for living as a healthy adult.  It is first of all painful, but most importantly humbling and healing.

Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."

To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess.  He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating. 

I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to. 

I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met.  Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees. 

I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on,  and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to. 

So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere. 

I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing. 

What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.

So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound. 

Never a dull moment

I was enjoying the quiet. I'd made some pretty radical and scary decisions in regards to my family.  I needed a break. I seemed to be having somewhat of a PTSD response to my mother, and even my brothers- just the whole issue of being harassed whenever I would make a decision that went against what the family unit wanted to do.  I decided to do what was best for me- which was to miss a few unnecessary events so I could work on my emotional processing and see if the Lord would show me what was causing this panic. And, of course, I was harassed for this.  "You're breaking mom's heart, nobody else has any problems with mom, so I don't understand what your problem is." All of a sudden, a light bulb went on.  I realized that there was a scary dynamic going on within my family that no one else was really seeming to acknowledge: there was one persons opinion, needs, and wants that are favored or rather, feared above all others- my mother's. Everyone is expected to do what makes her happy and suits her at the cost of yourself and your purpose. I realized that most families, at least the healthy ones, have respect and value for each individual and the strengths that they bring to the family. My family is not this way- it is heavily lopsided, and in my opinion, very unhealthy and wrong.  Since when is it considered the "Christian" thing to do to forsake yourself, your marriage, children, and even God himself for the wantan desires of a tyrant? It's not.

Even though it was painful, I learned something very valuable here, and it came from a revelation of who God is, and who He desires to be for me. "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty..." (2 Cor. 3:17), and "perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:8).  When fear, guilt, shame, or humiliation are present, you can be certain that there are some evil intentions in place. We are not to use manipulation or control to get our needs met, or force others to do what we want. We are to seek the ONE as the source of all those things, and we can count on Him to supply- whether that be through people, jobs, gifted money, whatever. What I learned was to recognize those internal signals. To take a look at what I'm motivated by in a situation- why am I afraid of saying no? Is it because I want to please people? Or because I'm afraid of what they will do or say about me? Is it because I've been shamed in some way? There are many different reasons.

So, I had just gotten to this place of enjoying peace. Boundaries were high up, set in place where I could finally relax and then my mom called. I didn't answer, but she left me a voicemail saying they had found a mass in her abdomen and the next day, it was confirmed as stage 3 ovarian cancer. Of course, I was hit with the news, and was immediately overwhelmed- not in concern for her health, per se, but with worry for what this meant for our relationship. Does this mean I have to get close to her again? Does this mean I change my boundaries? What will other people say (close family) if I am seldom present? And what I absolutely dread the most- that she will use this as another way to get the attention she needs, manipulating the sympathies of others. I can't be the judge of that, but I am rightfully concerned. This would not be the first time she has used a situation to her advantage, and truthfully, I don't even let myself think about it anymore because it makes me sick to my stomach. And, my decision really is no longer about her. I am protecting a healing wound, and I don't want to jump back in too quickly when the nerves are still fresh with pain.

If my mom truly has borderline personality disorder, this situation could become messy very quickly. It could also put her in the position to get a diagnosis as many people will be involved in her care. I really don't know how this is going to go. 

I used to live to please her- every move was dictated by her actions and responses. Part of the intensity and mess was because of my sensitive personality- it seems to have affected me more than the other three kids, but untangling those actions and responses, tracing them back to their roots is, to say the least...very difficult- not to mention time consuming. It's like a construction worker doing some demolition on an old, outdated building. When he knocks through the walls, he finds a mess of wires going to and fro throughout the house, untangling them one by one to trace them to their original source. It is a lengthy upheaval. But, in the end, the power will move more smoothly throughout the house, the electric bill will probably drop, and there won't be as many power shortages- if you catch my drift- it will be well worth it.

And, I am not doing this alone. Where I once viewed myself as a child begging their parent to meet their needs, I now see myself in the Father's affection- I know that in Him, my needs have ALREADY been met. It is His great love for me that pursues me, it follows me, surrounds me on every side. He is the example of parenting that I was lacking in so many ways.

I is still scary. I'm not going to lie. I still have a lot of work to do, and on top of that, I have a toddler, a husband, a job...one day at a time.

The Positives

It's been a bit since I've written- I usually don't realize I need to get stuff out on "paper" until it's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed weeping for who knows what! I sometimes wonder if I should be more positive- I feel like this is expected as a Christian. Certainly, God want's us to be positive, and I do believe God wants us to learn to have His perspective and attitude about our circumstances- to realize He is in them all, and that He is always with us, helping us to rise above. But, it is not a God  idea to pretend that things are okay when they are not, to pretend to be happy about something that is intensely painful such as rejection and abandonment. I think that is actually a trap and keeps us isolated in our struggles and pain, allowing the devil to take advantage of an already weakened position when we ought to be reaching out for healing and comfort from God's people. Unfortunately, many of God's people do not actually know God- as in personally know Him. We know the bible, we know our should's and our should not's. We know what to do to avoid punishment, and we definitely know what to do to obtain praise- in other words, we know religion, but do we know Jesus? If all we know is religion, we will live our life in misery because God is real and He is intensely PERSONAL with us. Granted- not ALL Christians are this way, and I feel very blessed and grateful to go to a church that the majority are full of grace.

One of my all time favorite chapters in the bible is Psalm 18. David is "complaining" about the unfairness of Saul's treatment and attacks of him. Saul's relentless jealousy and pursuit of David was wearing him out. For some reason, I always managed to skip the middle section of chapter 18 (it's kind of a long chapter). But what was God's response to David's turmoil? He certainly didn't tell him to "pray harder" or that he really ought to have a more positive attitude, that he needed to bless Saul more and maybe he would stop attacking him. I think it's important to note what was operating in Saul's life at the time: jealousy and an evil spirit. He was running on pride and entitlement. God does not condone those behaviors because essentially Saul had opened himself up to an evil spirit and according to psalm 18, David knew he had done nothing to deserve that maltreatment. He was innocent at heart and truly only wanted the best for Saul. David didn't choose to be king, he was CHOSEN and Saul couldn't stand that. It really is a sad scenario...but back to my question: How did God respond? It says in Chapter 18 that smoke blew from God's nostrils, that he rendered the heavens and came down, He rescued David from those who were too strong from him, He knelt down to make him great, that He gave David the strength to pursue every enemy and overtake them. What does this tell us about God? That HE takes personally what we take personally- He desires to defend, protect and restore- He does not preach platitudes. He IS compassion, grace, love and mercy. He never tells us to try harder or to just get our act together and then "maybe" he will bless us. He IS goodness personified.

The question I ask myself is this: are we being JESUS to others, or do we just say what is easy at the time because we are uncomfortable with the human condition? Jesus was not uncomfortable with the human condition- not ever. Its a tough one to answer. And truly, we can only give what we have received from God- so what we know of Him is what we will pass along. If we learned from our parents or other authority figures that God is critical, shaming, negative and cold, then that is how we perceive God and that is how we will treat others. We need to experience all that He is and let it change us from the inside out.

So, what the heck am I talking about? Well, I would not have made it through this last two years of dealing with my father's death, post- partum depression, panic attacks, a brain injury and subsequent brain treatments, and the dealing of all of my feelings and emotions due to my mother's mental illness and the intense pain that has caused me had it not been for people who WERE Jesus to me. Who showed me who Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit want to be for me- who HE has been all along, I was just too wounded to see it. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance- not shame, condemnation or fear. It is His mercy that heals our wounds.

Unfortunately, I don't think many Christians want to think how I really feel about my parents. Certainly, I love them- there are things about them that I am FOREVER grateful for, and I would not change those things. But the honest truth today? I am sorely disappointed in them, how the treated me and my siblings, and the picture of God that they left me with. I cannot change that I am disappointed, because I know how it SHOULD have been- and that's okay, because I also know that they couldn't give what they didn't have- and they both came from dysfunctional, broken homes. I just really wish things had been different.

I am now in a place where I am looking at the positives (or trying to): They gave me Jesus- and that is a priceless gift. Where would I be without Him?! The pain they caused due to rejection and abandonment led me to a place of desperation that if God did not rescue me, I was as good as dead. I have told God this so many times I can't even count it. And because of that I have experienced God- I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned the importance of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, allowing myself to be exposed to healthy, loving people so I could learn to walk appropriately. I know the importance now of taking care of my physical and mental health.

If you need a new experience of who God is for you, and what He wants to do for you- ask Him to! HE is glad to do this, because He wants to be our everything.