Goodbye

I did it. I've spent the last 3-4 months praying, examining, praying, trying to muster up the courage to do what I felt I needed to do for this stage in the journey with my mother. I sent the letter. This is not the decision that every child has to make when they deal with their mentally ill parent, but it was the choice I felt was best for me and my family.

Up until now, I have not been so bold as to tell my mother the God's-honest truth about her treatment of me. One thing that Borderline's are really good at is shifting blame, and gas-lighting so that you feel like the crazy one for point out an issue. What is even worse is when an entire family system is still doing the "dance" as I like to call it. Dancing around the issues, sweeping things under the rug, living in denial as to what is really going on within the family and how those behaviors affect every single individual in the family. I stopped dancing, and it seems that other family members are struggling to know what to do with that. I feel for them in that regard.

I have not told my mom the truth because it took me a long time to learn what the truth was, and I was terrified of what she would do.  I would freeze just thinking about telling my truth- "can I say that?" (insert awkward scary face here). Not to mention, the truth was extremely hard to face and I was afraid that I really would not be able to stand any more of her shenanigans if I did say something. The letter I sent was actually very kind. I focused only on how I feel about the relationship, and what I need from her should there ever be a relationship in the future. I was very specific about my needs because she has every right to continue living and NOT meeting any one of those needs, but if that is the case, we will not be in relationship. What needs am I talking about? Well,  It has taken me two years of counseling to learn that it is actually a human need to feel safe, and it is okay to demand that someone be a safe person before continuing a relationship with them. I've spent so much of my life putting my needs on the alter and watching her set fire to them that I did not know there is a better way to live.

How is my mother not considered a safe person? Well, let me give you a few examples: She loves me and hates me, depending on her state of mind which usually has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with her mental illness. In one moment she will be publicly flattering me, and the next, subtly putting me down or making snide remarks about something she doesn't like about me. It is torturous to watch, and suffocating to be a part of.  She does not seem to be aware of how her behavior affects others, nor does she seem to care. It saddens me to think how fragile her mind and emotions are now. I don't know what triggers her, but I can see the shift happen in her eyes- something changes and she goes from smothering to rejecting in a nano second. I personally got to the point where I emotionally could not play the game. And, you cannot leave a relationship without saying why. I now know that is unkind and cruel. She deserves to know the truth.

So, with the help of a friend and the oversight of my counselor, I began writing. At some point, I realized there was nothing more I could say, and nothing I wanted to take out. I know that I was led to make this decision, and at this point in my journey, this was the kindest thing I could do for her and our relationship, although she and others will likely disagree. I was shaking a bit when I put the letter in the mailbox. There is no going back now. We have a community mail box, so I would have to break a few federal laws to get that mail out. Needless to say, I did not break any federal laws and the letter was on it's way. Faces began pouring into my mind. I wondered if God would come through for me as He has promised. I wondered if I made the right choice, and what would happen when she gets this letter. I made a game plan of what I would do and say should those things happen because I tend to not be able to think straight when the poo hits the fan.

The boundaries are as follows: No contact. None. Until she is in some form of counseling, I won't even begin to entertain the thought of having a relationship with her. That means I won't get to attend family gatherings where she is present. This has been the hardest for me- even though it is my choice, I still feel like I'm the one paying the highest price. So, I will just have to be creative with how to spend time with other family members at different times.

She emailed me almost as soon as she received the letter, and I almost threw my phone across the room when I received it. She basically said that she would not be contacting me and that she didn't agree with how I felt about things. I was surprised there wasn't more of a backlash, but it was still early in the game so we would see what would happen. That evening, I started getting texts messages from one of my siblings whom mom had called multiple times, stating she was having a horrible panic attack and just couldn't understand why I would do this to her and that she was really hurt. That sibling then began to question what I had said and why I felt like now was a good time to send the letter. I briefly explained what I said, and explained that I know this is hard, but the letter is between mom and I, and mom shouldn't even be discussing that with that sibling. I told my sib that I was sorry that this relationship change would affect me going to family gatherings where mom is present, and that I had taken all of these things into consideration when making this decision.

It will be interesting to see how this goes. I am curious to see if my mom even takes the letter to heart and gets help for herself. After all, that was my other main goal- that she would see her need for healing her own wounds before considering reconciling the relationship.

I have hesitated bringing God up in this blog because the topic is dicey. People hear "Jesus" and they think "how can she cut her mother out of her life?" and "why doesn't she just suck it up and love her mother" (which is a topic that would take me far to long to write about in this post)  and probably wonder why Jesus would allow me to walk away. I actually don't know why He has. Typically, when we read the bible, we read it as if it happened 2000 years ago, and as if God is not interested in speaking to us today. As if he is not interested in our decisions, plans or pains.  He is only interested in teaching us lessons. At least that is how I used to read the word. No one human could tell me to leave my mother behind. I would not have believed them. In fact, several people did, told me it was time to get out and I was under so much fear and confusion, that I just couldn't do it and I definitely did not believe them.

Here's the thing about Jesus- He does not seek to control us, not in the slightest. He wont force us to do anything, and will gently lead us until we "get it". For some people this includes more pain than others. He speaks to us each differently, and when He does, it is very personal.  For example,  I often get scripture references that will pop in my mind that speak to directly where I am at. Sometimes I will get a picture and along with it an immediate understanding of what God wants to do in a given situation. But with this, it was a progressive and slow leading that finally brought me to a place where I realized I really only had one choice. And that choice was to stop playing the game which would inevitably leave me wounded and bitter, and place my mom back in the hands of the Father. He is the one who can heal her, love her and restore her, and me being involved in her life may be a hinderance to her feeling some necessary pain that would prompt her to get help. People will judge me for this, but at this point, I'm not sure how much I care about other people's opinions.

The Positives

It's been a bit since I've written- I usually don't realize I need to get stuff out on "paper" until it's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed weeping for who knows what! I sometimes wonder if I should be more positive- I feel like this is expected as a Christian. Certainly, God want's us to be positive, and I do believe God wants us to learn to have His perspective and attitude about our circumstances- to realize He is in them all, and that He is always with us, helping us to rise above. But, it is not a God  idea to pretend that things are okay when they are not, to pretend to be happy about something that is intensely painful such as rejection and abandonment. I think that is actually a trap and keeps us isolated in our struggles and pain, allowing the devil to take advantage of an already weakened position when we ought to be reaching out for healing and comfort from God's people. Unfortunately, many of God's people do not actually know God- as in personally know Him. We know the bible, we know our should's and our should not's. We know what to do to avoid punishment, and we definitely know what to do to obtain praise- in other words, we know religion, but do we know Jesus? If all we know is religion, we will live our life in misery because God is real and He is intensely PERSONAL with us. Granted- not ALL Christians are this way, and I feel very blessed and grateful to go to a church that the majority are full of grace.

One of my all time favorite chapters in the bible is Psalm 18. David is "complaining" about the unfairness of Saul's treatment and attacks of him. Saul's relentless jealousy and pursuit of David was wearing him out. For some reason, I always managed to skip the middle section of chapter 18 (it's kind of a long chapter). But what was God's response to David's turmoil? He certainly didn't tell him to "pray harder" or that he really ought to have a more positive attitude, that he needed to bless Saul more and maybe he would stop attacking him. I think it's important to note what was operating in Saul's life at the time: jealousy and an evil spirit. He was running on pride and entitlement. God does not condone those behaviors because essentially Saul had opened himself up to an evil spirit and according to psalm 18, David knew he had done nothing to deserve that maltreatment. He was innocent at heart and truly only wanted the best for Saul. David didn't choose to be king, he was CHOSEN and Saul couldn't stand that. It really is a sad scenario...but back to my question: How did God respond? It says in Chapter 18 that smoke blew from God's nostrils, that he rendered the heavens and came down, He rescued David from those who were too strong from him, He knelt down to make him great, that He gave David the strength to pursue every enemy and overtake them. What does this tell us about God? That HE takes personally what we take personally- He desires to defend, protect and restore- He does not preach platitudes. He IS compassion, grace, love and mercy. He never tells us to try harder or to just get our act together and then "maybe" he will bless us. He IS goodness personified.

The question I ask myself is this: are we being JESUS to others, or do we just say what is easy at the time because we are uncomfortable with the human condition? Jesus was not uncomfortable with the human condition- not ever. Its a tough one to answer. And truly, we can only give what we have received from God- so what we know of Him is what we will pass along. If we learned from our parents or other authority figures that God is critical, shaming, negative and cold, then that is how we perceive God and that is how we will treat others. We need to experience all that He is and let it change us from the inside out.

So, what the heck am I talking about? Well, I would not have made it through this last two years of dealing with my father's death, post- partum depression, panic attacks, a brain injury and subsequent brain treatments, and the dealing of all of my feelings and emotions due to my mother's mental illness and the intense pain that has caused me had it not been for people who WERE Jesus to me. Who showed me who Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit want to be for me- who HE has been all along, I was just too wounded to see it. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance- not shame, condemnation or fear. It is His mercy that heals our wounds.

Unfortunately, I don't think many Christians want to think how I really feel about my parents. Certainly, I love them- there are things about them that I am FOREVER grateful for, and I would not change those things. But the honest truth today? I am sorely disappointed in them, how the treated me and my siblings, and the picture of God that they left me with. I cannot change that I am disappointed, because I know how it SHOULD have been- and that's okay, because I also know that they couldn't give what they didn't have- and they both came from dysfunctional, broken homes. I just really wish things had been different.

I am now in a place where I am looking at the positives (or trying to): They gave me Jesus- and that is a priceless gift. Where would I be without Him?! The pain they caused due to rejection and abandonment led me to a place of desperation that if God did not rescue me, I was as good as dead. I have told God this so many times I can't even count it. And because of that I have experienced God- I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned the importance of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, allowing myself to be exposed to healthy, loving people so I could learn to walk appropriately. I know the importance now of taking care of my physical and mental health.

If you need a new experience of who God is for you, and what He wants to do for you- ask Him to! HE is glad to do this, because He wants to be our everything.

What is that warm feeling?

Not sure how to begin this post...But I have noticed a change in my heart...a feeling I thought would NEVER come. I'm not sure how to describe it but I'll try. Your heart only has so much space- if it is filled with bitterness, rage, anger, hurt and pain, there is little room for love...and vice versa. Walking through the process (I underline process because it can't be emphasized enough) of forgiveness, I feared letting the ickiness out for fear it would consume me...for fear that it would not STOP coming out, and for fear of what God would ask me to do if I actually did forgive my mom (you mean I have to love her too?!).

In meeting my counselor, she explained to me that the feelings HAVE to come out, otherwise they are like weeds...they eventually overtake your garden, and hinder ANY good fruit that wants to come forth. EW! I didn't entirely believe her, but I decided to take her word for it- she did have a lot of life experience to show for it! So, I began to write it out...all the painful memories in as much detail as possible. I had to let myself feel the pain, the injustice, and the anger. I asked Jesus to come and show me His love in those moments- Afterall, Why did it have to happen in the first place? I walked around pretty angry for a while, but I had to let myself feel it. I refused to shove it down any longer. I cried a lot...words came out of me I didn't know were inside, and I slowly handed them over to Jesus. I let Him pay the price (as He already has) for the things that wounded and scarred me.

My counselor made a good point- she said "God's original intention was to use your parents to mold and shape you, not to break you down or mar you, to show you how to live and walk in such a way that you believe you can conquer anything! But since that didn't happen, His goal now is to restore and redeem your life." Wow. So good!

I thought I would feel angry forever...But, I realized the more I turned over those memories and my anger to God  (and I still occasionally do!), the less angry I became...and I am slowly beginning to see her through God's eyes. And what is this warm feeling that's filling my heart? Is it love? I think so...not MY love for her, but a love that God has planted in my heart toward her. Whoa. The feeling that I could actually see us having a relationship, conversation and JOY in eachother's presence. Wow. I never thought I would see the day.

This is where it gets tricky- because the urge to self protect is VERY strong, and I think it is wise to guard until you see that there is GOOD fruit...but I am praying that God paves the way, that He leads every step towards redemption and restoration...after all, He is the God of restoration!

Jesus Himself died on the cross, but not only that, He rose to life 3 days later to show that DEATH has no power over His blood. He took the keys that would have bound us to hell for eternity, and instead gave us His life, and all the blessings that lie within. There are things in your life that may be so broken, lost and dead that you think there is no hope...I'm here to tell you THERE IS! He IS the resurrection and the LIFE (John 11:25).

What needs restored in your life? Your hope? Your marriage? Bring it to the feet of Jesus...He cannot be unfaithful!

Be blessed today.