Acceptance

I've been thinking about the idea of acceptance for a while now, probably because I'm struggling to grasp it, struggling to come to terms with several hardships that have come upon my life. I used to think of acceptance as only the final stage of grief, but as I'm learning- grief is cyclical and you can bounce around from denial to anger to bargaining, back to denial, and somehow land in acceptance. This doesn't have to take weeks or months, you can spin around in the grief cycle in one day. In my terms, acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of your situation (whatever that may be- death, loss, unemployment, WAITING…) and accepting it for what it is at this very moment.

When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.

I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us. 

Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.

The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it.  I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family.  That needs to be my first priority.

When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time.  I have to let go of the immediate wants.  Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )


We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.

Wretched and poor

Romans 7:24-25 "O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [ He will!] through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like the wretched fools that we really are? When you wake up and wonder where in God's sweet name you have ended up...were you this broken all along or did you miss a sign that everyone else seemed to see and follow? I have wondered this many, MANY times in the course of the last three years, and I have come to the conclusion of this one thing that the Apostle Paul sums up perfectly in Romans 7:24 as he talks about the war waging between his flesh and spirit: "O wretched man that I am! Who can save me from this body of sin?" and then proceeds to thank God- because HE WILL!

For so so long I have striven to be perfect enough, holy enough, sane enough, faithful enough...or just plain ENOUGH. I have found myself  recently waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, fighting tears and just wondering "am I okay?" Like a child who has tripped and fallen, scraped their knees and shins, stands up assessing their situation and wonders if they should cry-if they are okay- or just to continue playing.

I focus on my failures- my rage, my anger, my bitterness, my SHAME and I wonder- Am I okay? I look down and see that my clothes are torn, my knees and shins are bruised and bleeding-don't even ask about the condition of my heart! God- am I okay? Am I going to make it? Do you accept me even though there are remnants of bitterness? Even though I am judgmental and critical of others?

In order to make any sort of progress, we HAVE to accept who we are and where we are. There is some intense freedom when we realize how broken and messed up we truly are-we are prone to sin and failure on a daily if not hourly basis. Yet-Jesus says we are clothed in righteousness, accepted, wanted, loved WITHOUT condition. So how do we reconcile the polarity of our situation? recognizing that we are wretched and poor in our sinful nature, yet clothed in righteousness, redeemed, CLEAN and WHOLE? I think it is actually simpler than we make it- we just accept it. We recognize who we are and what we are prone to without Jesus, and at the same moment, we accept who we are BECAUSE of Him.

He is glorified in our weaknesses as we lean on Him. He makes us more like Him as we lean on Him. The devil wants us to waste ample time focusing on the wretched fools that we are when Jesus wants us to focus on who He is and who we are IN Him.

I write as if this is second nature to me- but the opposite is true. I easily reject myself and all that God says about me in light of my failures and this is something that I am definitely working to root deep in my heart. When I mess up as a wife or mom, my husband comes over and gives me a hug and what is my response? To walk away-to shun myself as punishment. Think about it- if the enemy can get us to think about how awful we are, if he can get us to reject the gift that has been freely given, then our foundation is going to be on sinking sand- because we can count on nothing other than the redeeming, perfect, unconditional love of God!

The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!