Joseph and His Coat

I'm going to share something I should have written about 6 months ago but somehow slipped from my mind until recently.

I've always loved the story of Joseph. I think perhaps I relate to his life in many ways, being abandoned, thrown into a pit and sold by his brothers who were jealous of his "place" in his family, to being thrown into a number of other hypothetical and literal "pits" for various reasons before finally being promoted to king. This will all make sense at the end : )

I'm going to paraphrase Genesis 37 because it's chock full of details that are important, but I kind of want to nutshell it- please read the whole chapter to get the full story : )

Israel was Joseph's father. Joseph was the youngest of many brothers, and it says that Israel loved Joseph more than the other brothers because he was born to Israel in his old age, and out of that love, Israel made Joseph an "ornate" robe for him. It seems kind of mean that Israel loved Joseph more- but there is cultural significance to this and it wasn't entirely uncommon. Children born at a parent's old age was considered a blessing from God because it didn't happen often. Having many children was an indication of being blessed and meant the continuation of a family heritage.

The word then goes on to say that Josephs brothers grew to hate him because their father showed him special favor.

This is where I want to pause and point out the significance (I believe) of the robe. The robe symbolized Joseph's place in the family. It was his identity in a way- and it was displayed for all his brothers to see. He was the youngest and so therefore didn't have the same birthright that a first born would have, yet, he was obviously favored by his father.

Joseph was a "seer". He had dreams from a young age of his brother's and parents bowing down before him. Now, I'm not entirely sure why he decided to share that with his brothers- but at that point, they became jealous and were filled with hatred. It says that while his father rebuked him for the dream, Israel kept the matter in mind- meaning that he pondered it and didn't throw it out. t was at that point that Joseph's brothers began to plot ways to get rid of Joseph.

His brothers had devised a way to kill Joseph making it look like an animal had eaten him, but one of Joseph's brothers- Reuban,  obviously torn- convinced them NOT to kill Joseph, but to throw him into a cistern, and then planned to come rescue Joseph later while the other brothers were gone.

Now, I've heard and read this story a hundred or more times. But on a particular day months ago, this verse stood out to me: "So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— ²⁴ and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."

They stripped him of his robe- his identity within the family line that symbolized his father's favor and love that they were highly jealous of. Whoa. 

They attempted to kill him, but thought better of it and decided to sell him into slavery instead, where he spent some time in prison. He was eventually promoted from prison and became the King's right hand man. He became highly favored, and indeed, his brothers came back and did bow before him- as he had dreamed so many years before. 

The part that I identified with is the stripping of the robe. I can't really articulate how painful of a process that is.  And the process of reestablishing your identity once it's been stripped at is equally as painful. I was raised in a family system that placed a high value on conformity- I had to play my part for my own survival, but on my own, I had no REAL value. My identity and value was solely for the function of the system as a whole (which to this day is a very warped and toxic system). Once I stopped meeting the needs of the whole- I was thrown out. This became clear to me as I began to heal and God began to give me pictures and ideas of who I was to him- my value as a person, a daughter to Him. As I began to wear that "robe" or identity, so to speak, there was definite opposition to that identity because it no longer met the needs of the toxic family system.

In many ways, I was stripped of my identity at a young age. The gifts and the heart that God had made with such care (Psalm 139- this is true for EVERYONE- not just me), were chipped away, little by little until only fragments remained.  He desired to bestow upon me this beautiful robe- which I believe we now see referred to in Isaiah 61:10 "For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest..." The righteousness that Jesus purchased for us on the cross IS our identity- we now stand before God the father as a much loved child- in a beautiful robe that signifies our placement and our value to him.  That's signed, sealed and delivered- but the process of RESTORING that identity, and establishing it so it becomes a healthy and functioning core can take quite some time. We need to colabor with Jesus in the process.

I was blown away by the symbolism in this but also how it corresponds to what Jesus has done- He has already made a provision for our identity on the cross. It's a sealed deal. People may try to steal that, they may try to rip off that garment, slander it, destroy it (for numerous reasons- but jealousy and hatred are two of the main attitudes you will see), but it's a sealed deal. And God is protective of that robe. It is highly valuable to him, and it ought to be highly valuable to us too- we need to cooperate with him in protecting that identity. 

My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Holy Spirit would begin to minister to those places where your identity has been stripped away- by life, by the world, by people- and that he would begin to take you on a journey of restoring those places to wholeness and complete healing.

Be blessed this week!

Identity Crisis

I was raised, and we all are to some extent, believing lies about myself. Things that people say stick to us, and that old addage that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you", is a lie. Words are like arrows. They can pierce and destroy, or they can bring life.

I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.

I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.

Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us.  David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.

In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.

When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.

It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One  cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.

What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.

The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.