Jesus LOVES your process

I know I've written before about accepting that my journey has been so very different from others. Or so it seems, anyway. Accepting that I can't force it to fit the mold of anyone else's life or process. I often fear that others won't accept me because my life is too intense for them. I'm leaning to care less what other's think, but it has not been easy as I tend to fall very easily into the trap of people pleasing.

Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!

And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD.  He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.

I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.

I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Joseph and His Coat

I'm going to share something I should have written about 6 months ago but somehow slipped from my mind until recently.

I've always loved the story of Joseph. I think perhaps I relate to his life in many ways, being abandoned, thrown into a pit and sold by his brothers who were jealous of his "place" in his family, to being thrown into a number of other hypothetical and literal "pits" for various reasons before finally being promoted to king. This will all make sense at the end : )

I'm going to paraphrase Genesis 37 because it's chock full of details that are important, but I kind of want to nutshell it- please read the whole chapter to get the full story : )

Israel was Joseph's father. Joseph was the youngest of many brothers, and it says that Israel loved Joseph more than the other brothers because he was born to Israel in his old age, and out of that love, Israel made Joseph an "ornate" robe for him. It seems kind of mean that Israel loved Joseph more- but there is cultural significance to this and it wasn't entirely uncommon. Children born at a parent's old age was considered a blessing from God because it didn't happen often. Having many children was an indication of being blessed and meant the continuation of a family heritage.

The word then goes on to say that Josephs brothers grew to hate him because their father showed him special favor.

This is where I want to pause and point out the significance (I believe) of the robe. The robe symbolized Joseph's place in the family. It was his identity in a way- and it was displayed for all his brothers to see. He was the youngest and so therefore didn't have the same birthright that a first born would have, yet, he was obviously favored by his father.

Joseph was a "seer". He had dreams from a young age of his brother's and parents bowing down before him. Now, I'm not entirely sure why he decided to share that with his brothers- but at that point, they became jealous and were filled with hatred. It says that while his father rebuked him for the dream, Israel kept the matter in mind- meaning that he pondered it and didn't throw it out. t was at that point that Joseph's brothers began to plot ways to get rid of Joseph.

His brothers had devised a way to kill Joseph making it look like an animal had eaten him, but one of Joseph's brothers- Reuban,  obviously torn- convinced them NOT to kill Joseph, but to throw him into a cistern, and then planned to come rescue Joseph later while the other brothers were gone.

Now, I've heard and read this story a hundred or more times. But on a particular day months ago, this verse stood out to me: "So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— ²⁴ and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."

They stripped him of his robe- his identity within the family line that symbolized his father's favor and love that they were highly jealous of. Whoa. 

They attempted to kill him, but thought better of it and decided to sell him into slavery instead, where he spent some time in prison. He was eventually promoted from prison and became the King's right hand man. He became highly favored, and indeed, his brothers came back and did bow before him- as he had dreamed so many years before. 

The part that I identified with is the stripping of the robe. I can't really articulate how painful of a process that is.  And the process of reestablishing your identity once it's been stripped at is equally as painful. I was raised in a family system that placed a high value on conformity- I had to play my part for my own survival, but on my own, I had no REAL value. My identity and value was solely for the function of the system as a whole (which to this day is a very warped and toxic system). Once I stopped meeting the needs of the whole- I was thrown out. This became clear to me as I began to heal and God began to give me pictures and ideas of who I was to him- my value as a person, a daughter to Him. As I began to wear that "robe" or identity, so to speak, there was definite opposition to that identity because it no longer met the needs of the toxic family system.

In many ways, I was stripped of my identity at a young age. The gifts and the heart that God had made with such care (Psalm 139- this is true for EVERYONE- not just me), were chipped away, little by little until only fragments remained.  He desired to bestow upon me this beautiful robe- which I believe we now see referred to in Isaiah 61:10 "For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest..." The righteousness that Jesus purchased for us on the cross IS our identity- we now stand before God the father as a much loved child- in a beautiful robe that signifies our placement and our value to him.  That's signed, sealed and delivered- but the process of RESTORING that identity, and establishing it so it becomes a healthy and functioning core can take quite some time. We need to colabor with Jesus in the process.

I was blown away by the symbolism in this but also how it corresponds to what Jesus has done- He has already made a provision for our identity on the cross. It's a sealed deal. People may try to steal that, they may try to rip off that garment, slander it, destroy it (for numerous reasons- but jealousy and hatred are two of the main attitudes you will see), but it's a sealed deal. And God is protective of that robe. It is highly valuable to him, and it ought to be highly valuable to us too- we need to cooperate with him in protecting that identity. 

My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Holy Spirit would begin to minister to those places where your identity has been stripped away- by life, by the world, by people- and that he would begin to take you on a journey of restoring those places to wholeness and complete healing.

Be blessed this week!