It's been an interesting week (or month- I'm really not sure how long). I've been in a funk, I guess you could say. REALLY really wrestling with some frustrations and disappointments. No matter what I did, I just could not seem to shake them. I tried pretending they weren't there. That obviously didn't work. I tried being more thankful and praising my way through it. No change. I finally had to get to a place where I could let all my tension and frustrations out and just ask the Lord to be there with me (Reading Lamentations has helped greatly...that book is full of lamenting and perhaps what we would call complaining, yet the writer always turns to God and rests in the promise of God's goodness.)
It is so interesting to me how God heals us. It often feels backwards and up-side-down. What amazes me the most is how committed God is to our wholeness. Every time I think he might give up on me or say "Thats it. I've had enough of you!", I'm proven wrong. He already sees us as whole, so I'm learning that when He addresses us, he is addressing us from that place of wholeness.
I was all pent up with anger, and frustration. Anger at the miscarriages. Anger that I have a blood clotting issue that puts me into the high risk category for any subsequent pregnancies, just overall feeling like my boat has been rocked and feeling oh so tired of it.
As I've written before, I've spent a great deal of my life pretending. Being too afraid to be real or honest about my hurts and heartaches. I was really good at performing and acting my way through things. Well, God is after our hearts, and I'm learning that only that which we expose to his love can be permanently changed. He has never been after our performance, but relationship.
I didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Both were riddled with dysfunction, just in different ways. I was an adult in both of those relationship for the majority of my life, meaning that I carried responsibilities in the relationship that I should never have carried. It takes YEARS of hard work in therapy and the Lords presence to undo that. How does this translate to future relationships and my relationship with God? Well, developmentally, I was behind. I'm an excellent servant, but being a daughter is not something that came naturally to me. Intellectually, I am very smart, and I have high emotional intelligence. I often am told that I act much older than my 30 years, but there were certain parts of me that lagged behind relationally simply because I didn't have my needs met. It is those places that desperately need healing.
In Psalms 27:10 "When my father and mother forsake me, The Lord will take care of me." I am learning that God means this 100%. He means to take care of those places that were long abandoned and neglected. Places I didn't even know about. Places I've kept hidden and tucked away out of shame or fear or because I didn't know they were there to begin with. And He is so gentle. He doesn't come barging in. He comes knocking and woos us until we feel safe enough in His love to expose what's really inside. And He will prove himself 100 times over until we get it that it is ok to let those walls down. How does this look in real life? Well, in my experience, it has been that I have been allowed certain circumstances that have brought that pain and dysfunction to the forefront. Not the most comfortable, let me tell you. There are walls and defenses that were erected to protect and in my experience it has been pretty uncomfortable learning a new way of living without those walls in place. And I don't need to be ashamed of those walls. Without them, I may not have survived as well as I did. But now? They are no longer conducive to a healthy way of living. He never shames me there (and He won't shame you). He just says "I see it. And I plan to heal it, if you'll let me." And then he sets us into a process of healing.
My friend wrote an excellent analogy regarding accepting the hard things in life and TRUSTING that God truly knows what is best for us. I'll try to recap that as well as she does.
Lets say that one of our teenage children wanted to go to Paris. That's an excellent idea. We might book a one stop flight to Paris, with a hotel right in the airport so that she doesn't have to figure out how to get to and from the airport safely. We might not even make her pay for the trip. But what would be a better experience in the long run? What if sending her by boat meant that she learned a little bit more about travel than flying on a plane? Sure...the trip will take a few days longer, but she will get to see more of creation. She will get to learn the ins and outs of traveling aboard a ship, and getting from sea to land safely. She'll get to take marvelous pictures of the sea and maybe learn that she is seasick. What if instead of paying for the trip for her (which is not wrong), I tell her she can't go unless she gets a job and starts earning some of the funds herself? What is more valuable? A free trip to Paris or one that she got to participate in paying for, creating a sense of ownership and pride in her own abilities, seeing more of the world and having a FAR richer experience?
What I'm trying to illustrate is that God is far more invested in the long term fruit of our lives than our present circumstances seem to paint for us. I'm not saying (not even in a tiny way) that God somehow arranged my miscarriages, or the death of my father or the loss of almost every relationship in my family, but, Romans 8 clearly says that He works ALL things together for our good. So, what if God brings us to certain obstacles to show us that NO MATTER WHAT, He will always prove himself to be bigger? He will ALWAYS bring us through to the other side. He will ALWAYS comfort us. He will ALWAYS bring healing- whether in the moment or otherwise. Isn't that more important than our temporary comfort?
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
MTHFR! (Things aren't always as they seem!)
No...I was not cursing...MTHFR is the acronym for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. It is a genetic mutation that can cause numerous problems depending on which mutation you have. After seeing my naturopath to help get my hormones back in order after the second miscarriage, she suggested I have the testing done to see if I carry the gene that is linked to recurrent miscarriages (among other things such as heart disease, strokes, clotting...the list seems endless!). Basically, my body doesn't break down folic acid appropriately, which leads to the build up of homocysteine which is what causes all the dysfunction. Not just in my body, but can also cause neural tube defects in the growing baby. If we can bypass the folic acid and break it down FOR my body, we should be able to skip around the dysfunction and bring my body back into some sort of balance, and protect further pregnancies.
Lo and behold...I was positive for the mutation most linked to recurrent miscarriage, and likely what caused the massive subchorionic hemorrhage in the last pregnancy. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that we had a cause and it wasn't just a "fluke", and scared because I began to wonder if we would ever be able to have more kids again. Having 2 back to back miscarriages had begun to cloud my mind with questions and fears and unknowns.
I am a nerd at heart, and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really enjoy the research side of things, so I started researching this supplement and how it was supposed to benefit me. I'd read countless stories of people going from depressed and anxious to feeling "normal" for the first time in their entire life. It turns out, folate when broken down appropriately during the methylation process, is responsible for organizing your neurotransmitters-mainly serotonin and dopamine Who knew?! I however, did not have such pleasant side effects. I got a massive headache, followed by intense anxiety and irritability after just a few days. I stopped the L methylfolate, and started doing some more digging. This is supposed to be good for me, and clearly, based on testing, I need it...right? So, why do I feel like crap???
I emailed my naturopath, who advised me to cut way back on the supplement to see if that would help. Folate is technically a B vitamin, and can be stimulating to some people (me!). Ugh. Ok, so I cut way back and still felt foggy, irritable, anxious, and unable to sleep. I cut it out completely for a few days and started researching again. Apparently, long term use of high doses of B12 and other B vitamins, can cause a potassium deficiency. I have been taking large doses of B 12 for over a year due to the pyroluria and subsequent B deficiency. When one starts mehtylfolate, it drastically increases the demand for potassium within the cells causing hypokalemia (low potassium) and about a million different possible side effects. Since I had informed my naturopath that I was still feeling yucky, and had not heard back, I decided to get a potassium supplement and just hope for the best. I started taking it and then started taking the l methylfolate- no side effects! Yay! So...I am hoping to steadily increase the dosage of the methylfolate to what I'm actually supposed to be taking.
I'll be honest- I did not come at this whole process with a great attitude. I've been in such a rush to heal and move on that every little upset to that plan has tipped me over...not a great place to be. I've been frustrated that it's taking so long to heal. I've been angry that my body wasn't responding too well to the supplement, and that is ONE MORE DELAY to adding to our family. I've just been frustrated- even a bit hopeless at times. But, once I sat back and just accepted that this is where we are at, that it's taking longer than I would like, I've been a much easier person to be around. I've realized that in my rush to move forward, I haven't been enjoying the day to day- and that's not really ok with me. There is so much good in every day. So much to be grateful for, that we often miss out on it when we are so focused on all the is NOT working. Well, there's a lot that IS Working, and I think that deserves more of my focus and attention.
I have no idea what the future holds...and I've learned to just take things one day at a time. Trusting in God's perfect love and Father-ship- that he will be completely faithful to bring us to a place of abudance. Not lack.
Lo and behold...I was positive for the mutation most linked to recurrent miscarriage, and likely what caused the massive subchorionic hemorrhage in the last pregnancy. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that we had a cause and it wasn't just a "fluke", and scared because I began to wonder if we would ever be able to have more kids again. Having 2 back to back miscarriages had begun to cloud my mind with questions and fears and unknowns.
I am a nerd at heart, and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really enjoy the research side of things, so I started researching this supplement and how it was supposed to benefit me. I'd read countless stories of people going from depressed and anxious to feeling "normal" for the first time in their entire life. It turns out, folate when broken down appropriately during the methylation process, is responsible for organizing your neurotransmitters-mainly serotonin and dopamine Who knew?! I however, did not have such pleasant side effects. I got a massive headache, followed by intense anxiety and irritability after just a few days. I stopped the L methylfolate, and started doing some more digging. This is supposed to be good for me, and clearly, based on testing, I need it...right? So, why do I feel like crap???
I emailed my naturopath, who advised me to cut way back on the supplement to see if that would help. Folate is technically a B vitamin, and can be stimulating to some people (me!). Ugh. Ok, so I cut way back and still felt foggy, irritable, anxious, and unable to sleep. I cut it out completely for a few days and started researching again. Apparently, long term use of high doses of B12 and other B vitamins, can cause a potassium deficiency. I have been taking large doses of B 12 for over a year due to the pyroluria and subsequent B deficiency. When one starts mehtylfolate, it drastically increases the demand for potassium within the cells causing hypokalemia (low potassium) and about a million different possible side effects. Since I had informed my naturopath that I was still feeling yucky, and had not heard back, I decided to get a potassium supplement and just hope for the best. I started taking it and then started taking the l methylfolate- no side effects! Yay! So...I am hoping to steadily increase the dosage of the methylfolate to what I'm actually supposed to be taking.
I'll be honest- I did not come at this whole process with a great attitude. I've been in such a rush to heal and move on that every little upset to that plan has tipped me over...not a great place to be. I've been frustrated that it's taking so long to heal. I've been angry that my body wasn't responding too well to the supplement, and that is ONE MORE DELAY to adding to our family. I've just been frustrated- even a bit hopeless at times. But, once I sat back and just accepted that this is where we are at, that it's taking longer than I would like, I've been a much easier person to be around. I've realized that in my rush to move forward, I haven't been enjoying the day to day- and that's not really ok with me. There is so much good in every day. So much to be grateful for, that we often miss out on it when we are so focused on all the is NOT working. Well, there's a lot that IS Working, and I think that deserves more of my focus and attention.
I have no idea what the future holds...and I've learned to just take things one day at a time. Trusting in God's perfect love and Father-ship- that he will be completely faithful to bring us to a place of abudance. Not lack.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Jesus LOVES your process
I know I've written before about accepting that my journey has been so very different from others. Or so it seems, anyway. Accepting that I can't force it to fit the mold of anyone else's life or process. I often fear that others won't accept me because my life is too intense for them. I'm leaning to care less what other's think, but it has not been easy as I tend to fall very easily into the trap of people pleasing.
Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!
And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD. He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.
I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.
I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!
And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD. He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.
I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.
I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Heartache and Finding Healing
As I've mentioned before, this miscarriage has been a lot tougher to recover from than the first. I've been caught off guard many times by how deeply invested I was in this pregnancy. Of course, I had about 6 ultrasounds in a 5 week period of time so I got to see the little guy move and grow much more frequently than any previous pregnancy due to the bleeding.
I have a tendency to repress or suppress emotions as a habit, but over the last 3 years in counseling and learning to process many events from my past, I've learned that there is value in the process. It is unpleasant, painful and incredibly hard to do sometimes. But I know that if I don't process it now, I'll pay for it later.
I had a dear, close friend call me the other day and tell me she is pregnant with their third child. I was not prepared at all for how sad this would make me feel. Of course, I am so happy for her! But I am sad for me. It would have been fun to be pregnant with a friend. It brought to the surface the fact that I would be finding out the sex of the baby right about now, and gosh darn it, I still just want to be pregnant! I had to keep moving with my day because I have a preschooler to raise and I can't just fall apart in front of her. I saved my tears for later and just let myself feel it all. I ugly cried and it felt good. The memories of laboring with babies I would never get to love on, and watch grow to be amazing and frustrating creatures. Letting that life slip from me because I had no other choice but to let them go. Ugh. I didn't know that one could grieve like this over something so "small".
I have a strong sense that this most recent baby was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt it from the start. And I'm really mad at myself for not examining to see if my suspicion was true at the moment of delivery. The pathology report didn't list whether it was female or male and that bother's me.
I think one of the more frustrating things about miscarriage is the sense that what you experienced isn't real because no one talks about it. No one mentions it unless you bring it up that you lost a child in that way and then they are quick to chime in and let you know that they are part of the illusive miscarriage club too. I think, in general, grief is something that is minimized, poorly understood and looked down upon in our culture. You're expected to behave as normal in spite of what you've just been through, be it the loss of a child, spouse, friend...and it's not healthy. We are human. We will experience a wide range of emotions and feelings while grieving. It won't last forever. What if instead of assuming that we should feel or be a certain way, we focused instead on processing WELL.
How does one process well? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is one has to feel safe enough to feel frightening emotions like anger, sadness, immense pain. And some of us can't do that alone. I am now at a place where I have learned how to comfort myself, and I've learned when it's okay to reach out for comfort from others. The second thing would be that you need to have a strong support system. Even if it's just two solid, strong support people. They will help you to have a sense of groundedness when you feel like the bottom just fell out from underneath you. The third thing- at least for me- is to give yourself time and space. Don't rush things. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to be in any other season but the one I'm in- where so many people around me are popping out babies like its nobody's business and it feels like everyone is moving forward and you're stuck at the train station.Not only that, people ask questions- that are well meaning-but cause pain, such as: "Arent you guys ready for number 2 yet?"...I can't help but bow my head in sorrow..."yes...of COURSE I'm ready for number 2. I've BEEN ready for number 2."
This verse has been etched in my heart and has become my prayer for this season: Habakkuk 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds's feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering or responsibility]!.." Even if, God forbid, I should never have another child, my prayer is that my HEART would remain full. That I would be able to make progress upon MY high places which right now happen to be painful and troublesome.
There is always hope in the middle of loss and chaos- even when it doesn't feel like it. We just keep moving, one foot at a time, one moment and day at a time. I'm choosing to live more purposefully on a daily basis so that I don't miss the GOOD there is in each day that I'm left waiting.
I have a tendency to repress or suppress emotions as a habit, but over the last 3 years in counseling and learning to process many events from my past, I've learned that there is value in the process. It is unpleasant, painful and incredibly hard to do sometimes. But I know that if I don't process it now, I'll pay for it later.
I had a dear, close friend call me the other day and tell me she is pregnant with their third child. I was not prepared at all for how sad this would make me feel. Of course, I am so happy for her! But I am sad for me. It would have been fun to be pregnant with a friend. It brought to the surface the fact that I would be finding out the sex of the baby right about now, and gosh darn it, I still just want to be pregnant! I had to keep moving with my day because I have a preschooler to raise and I can't just fall apart in front of her. I saved my tears for later and just let myself feel it all. I ugly cried and it felt good. The memories of laboring with babies I would never get to love on, and watch grow to be amazing and frustrating creatures. Letting that life slip from me because I had no other choice but to let them go. Ugh. I didn't know that one could grieve like this over something so "small".
I have a strong sense that this most recent baby was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt it from the start. And I'm really mad at myself for not examining to see if my suspicion was true at the moment of delivery. The pathology report didn't list whether it was female or male and that bother's me.
I think one of the more frustrating things about miscarriage is the sense that what you experienced isn't real because no one talks about it. No one mentions it unless you bring it up that you lost a child in that way and then they are quick to chime in and let you know that they are part of the illusive miscarriage club too. I think, in general, grief is something that is minimized, poorly understood and looked down upon in our culture. You're expected to behave as normal in spite of what you've just been through, be it the loss of a child, spouse, friend...and it's not healthy. We are human. We will experience a wide range of emotions and feelings while grieving. It won't last forever. What if instead of assuming that we should feel or be a certain way, we focused instead on processing WELL.
How does one process well? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is one has to feel safe enough to feel frightening emotions like anger, sadness, immense pain. And some of us can't do that alone. I am now at a place where I have learned how to comfort myself, and I've learned when it's okay to reach out for comfort from others. The second thing would be that you need to have a strong support system. Even if it's just two solid, strong support people. They will help you to have a sense of groundedness when you feel like the bottom just fell out from underneath you. The third thing- at least for me- is to give yourself time and space. Don't rush things. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to be in any other season but the one I'm in- where so many people around me are popping out babies like its nobody's business and it feels like everyone is moving forward and you're stuck at the train station.Not only that, people ask questions- that are well meaning-but cause pain, such as: "Arent you guys ready for number 2 yet?"...I can't help but bow my head in sorrow..."yes...of COURSE I'm ready for number 2. I've BEEN ready for number 2."
This verse has been etched in my heart and has become my prayer for this season: Habakkuk 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds's feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering or responsibility]!.." Even if, God forbid, I should never have another child, my prayer is that my HEART would remain full. That I would be able to make progress upon MY high places which right now happen to be painful and troublesome.
There is always hope in the middle of loss and chaos- even when it doesn't feel like it. We just keep moving, one foot at a time, one moment and day at a time. I'm choosing to live more purposefully on a daily basis so that I don't miss the GOOD there is in each day that I'm left waiting.
Friday, May 9, 2014
God and Suffering
I know…I'm sure the title wants to make you want to read more! juuuuuusssstttt kidding. But I do think this is a very important topic because we ALL will suffer at varying degrees throughout our lives. Some of us seem to suffer more than others, and I would love to have the answer as to why that is…but I don't.
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Acceptance
I've been thinking about the idea of acceptance for a while now, probably because I'm struggling to grasp it, struggling to come to terms with several hardships that have come upon my life. I used to think of acceptance as only the final stage of grief, but as I'm learning- grief is cyclical and you can bounce around from denial to anger to bargaining, back to denial, and somehow land in acceptance. This doesn't have to take weeks or months, you can spin around in the grief cycle in one day. In my terms, acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of your situation (whatever that may be- death, loss, unemployment, WAITING…) and accepting it for what it is at this very moment.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Harder than I thought.
Over the past few months, it has felt like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff, battered by waves. Just as one recedes, another comes lashing up, reaching out to pull me under. I wonder, "when will I get to breathe? When will the storm end? When will the waves stop crashing up against my life?" and in my very weakest moments- "what have I done to deserve this?" I don't have the answer to any of those questions. Though I feel tired and weak, I have a deep seated peace that allows me to take a moment- whenever I can- to rest. I know God isn't trying to teach me some cosmic lesson, but rather He is showing me the value and safety of His presence- abiding in Him and finding my protection under the shadow of his wings. He is giving me the treasures of darkness- riches stored in secret places. (Isaiah 45:3).
To be real- the miscarriage hit me harder than I thought it would. It's been six weeks since the miscarriage and Ive stopped counting how far along I would be at this point. It was too painful. It's one thing to have suffered loss and have everyone know that you suffered loss- say, the death of a parent, or something more obvious. It's quite another to suffer silently. And I begin to wonder, why don't more people talk about miscarriage? What is so taboo and inappropriate about talking about the significant loss of the hopes and dreams of this would-be child/children?
My close friends all knew, but no one else has a clue. The woman at church who asked me "is that a baby bump I see??!" a few weeks ago almost got slugged in the throat...salt on an open wound. How could she know what I had just lost? She couldn't...And more importantly- how could she NOT know how inappropriate of a question that is? Gah. All those pregnancy announcements, with due dates the same as mine, or people asking when we are going to have more kids...I brace myself for impact. I didn't expect to hurt so much, but at the most random times, in the most random of places, Im reminded of what I'm no longer carrying inside of me. No more beating heart. No more growing baby. The feeling after looking at the ultrasound screen after they confirmed I had passed all the "tissue". Every HCG test for weeks after the loss further confirming that I was less pregnant than the week before. And once again, my plans for the future had to change. I know that I had looked at this pregnancy as the beginning of a new season, and I had looked forward to it immensely. The last few years have been so hard- I kind of just wanted something easy and a fresh start to help me redefine things a bit and continue moving forward instead of looking backwards. Ugh. And then the questions..."will I suffer this loss again? Can I bear it if so?"...I know that I don't hold my future, God does. But there's a part of me that knows he doesn't always give us easy and that scares me a bit- how much will He allow me to endure?
And then there is my crazy, cookoo family. It seems that just when I stop thinking about them, making progress in my healing or what have you- one of them reaches out to contact me in not so pleasant ways and I'm sent a few steps in the process. I wonder if it will ever really get easier. I wonder if it won't hurt so much to see that I am no longer a part of their lives. If it will be less painful to answer the questions people ask out of lack of knowledge or understanding of the reality of my situation "So, how's your mom?" When I respond "I don't really know" they look surprised and confused and I'm most certain there is some kind of judgment crossing their minds. It's just as uncomfortable for me to answer as it is for them to hear my answer.
I'm still working through my emotions. I'm deeply saddened at the loss of relationship with my family- I'm sad at what it's done to me, and I grieve what I have lost. But at the same time, something bazaar and good is happening- I'm finding who I really am: who God made me to be before the world and my family tried to mold me in their image. I'm finding out who I was made to be before I was rejected for not playing the role of savior and victim, for not continuing to lay myself out as the whipping boy so that my family wouldn't have to face their own problems, consequences and pain. I've been forced to create a life that is not just me surviving on a day-to-day basis, but one in which I, and subsequently my little family, are thriving. To be honest- I'm liking what I see. I'm freer than I've ever been, even though Im currently still experiencing emotional pain. I am finding out that there is so much more to life than I ever thought possible, and my daily pains and problems have strongly encouraged me to look for the joy in every day, celebrating the little things in life- because bad things are bound to happen. It is still a process of turning FROM that which I've lost, TOWARD that which I'm meant to receive.
Isaiah 54:11-17"O you afflicted one,Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies,Your gates of crystal,And all your walls of precious stones.All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established. You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; And from terror, for it shall not come near you. Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.16 “Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy.No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.'"
To be real- the miscarriage hit me harder than I thought it would. It's been six weeks since the miscarriage and Ive stopped counting how far along I would be at this point. It was too painful. It's one thing to have suffered loss and have everyone know that you suffered loss- say, the death of a parent, or something more obvious. It's quite another to suffer silently. And I begin to wonder, why don't more people talk about miscarriage? What is so taboo and inappropriate about talking about the significant loss of the hopes and dreams of this would-be child/children?
My close friends all knew, but no one else has a clue. The woman at church who asked me "is that a baby bump I see??!" a few weeks ago almost got slugged in the throat...salt on an open wound. How could she know what I had just lost? She couldn't...And more importantly- how could she NOT know how inappropriate of a question that is? Gah. All those pregnancy announcements, with due dates the same as mine, or people asking when we are going to have more kids...I brace myself for impact. I didn't expect to hurt so much, but at the most random times, in the most random of places, Im reminded of what I'm no longer carrying inside of me. No more beating heart. No more growing baby. The feeling after looking at the ultrasound screen after they confirmed I had passed all the "tissue". Every HCG test for weeks after the loss further confirming that I was less pregnant than the week before. And once again, my plans for the future had to change. I know that I had looked at this pregnancy as the beginning of a new season, and I had looked forward to it immensely. The last few years have been so hard- I kind of just wanted something easy and a fresh start to help me redefine things a bit and continue moving forward instead of looking backwards. Ugh. And then the questions..."will I suffer this loss again? Can I bear it if so?"...I know that I don't hold my future, God does. But there's a part of me that knows he doesn't always give us easy and that scares me a bit- how much will He allow me to endure?
And then there is my crazy, cookoo family. It seems that just when I stop thinking about them, making progress in my healing or what have you- one of them reaches out to contact me in not so pleasant ways and I'm sent a few steps in the process. I wonder if it will ever really get easier. I wonder if it won't hurt so much to see that I am no longer a part of their lives. If it will be less painful to answer the questions people ask out of lack of knowledge or understanding of the reality of my situation "So, how's your mom?" When I respond "I don't really know" they look surprised and confused and I'm most certain there is some kind of judgment crossing their minds. It's just as uncomfortable for me to answer as it is for them to hear my answer.
I'm still working through my emotions. I'm deeply saddened at the loss of relationship with my family- I'm sad at what it's done to me, and I grieve what I have lost. But at the same time, something bazaar and good is happening- I'm finding who I really am: who God made me to be before the world and my family tried to mold me in their image. I'm finding out who I was made to be before I was rejected for not playing the role of savior and victim, for not continuing to lay myself out as the whipping boy so that my family wouldn't have to face their own problems, consequences and pain. I've been forced to create a life that is not just me surviving on a day-to-day basis, but one in which I, and subsequently my little family, are thriving. To be honest- I'm liking what I see. I'm freer than I've ever been, even though Im currently still experiencing emotional pain. I am finding out that there is so much more to life than I ever thought possible, and my daily pains and problems have strongly encouraged me to look for the joy in every day, celebrating the little things in life- because bad things are bound to happen. It is still a process of turning FROM that which I've lost, TOWARD that which I'm meant to receive.
Isaiah 54:11-17"O you afflicted one,Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies,Your gates of crystal,And all your walls of precious stones.All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established. You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; And from terror, for it shall not come near you. Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.16 “Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy.No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.'"
Monday, December 23, 2013
Merry Christmas and a Miscarriage
Well, this holiday season has proven to be much different than years before. Mostly in good ways, but also in some painful and hard ways.
This is the first Christmas without my family. One by one I've had to set limits on individuals within my family. It has been a very painful, difficult process filled with many difficult decisions, but has proven to help me heal and grow.
**There is going to be some graphic description in the following text- if you don't want to read it, please consider yourself warned**
About 2 weeks ago, we went in for a follow up ultrasound to check on the health of the twins. I was still in unbelief that there were two growing babies in there, but was completely unprepared that neither would have a heartbeat at the most recent ultrasound. It was a horribly sad day. Blah. I hope to never experience that again.
Then began the wait to miscarry. My naturopath had given me some homeopathic drops to help with the process, but even with that it was a week and 5 days after I had learned that neither baby was living that I miscarried. For some reason, I had only anticipated heavy bleeding- not a birth experience. Boy was I in for a surprise!
My husband had gone to his final writing class for the quarter, and I began heavy cramping that was the equivalent of contractions pain wise. About an hour after they started, they became more frequent and incredibly painful. I called him and told him he needed to come home and take care of our toddler as the pain was barely tolerable at that point. When he got home, I came upstairs to get more comfortable and the cramping got worse. I coughed, and felt a large gush of fluid. I anticipated blood, or tissue or something but it appears that it was my water that broke, along with some tissue that appeared to be the amniotic sac. It was a large clot, and after I passed that the cramping subsided, but I continued to bleed heavily. I was able to relax and watch a movie. I thought the worst was over, but just a few hours later I started having very painful contractions again, and went upstairs for some reason. I went to brace myself and ended up collapsing on the floor from the pain. I just sat there and wept. It was so painful! I couldn't even yell for my husband, so I went to text him…but apparently he didn't have his phone on and it was on silent.
Somehow, I made it to the bathroom, and when I sat down, I felt another large gush and felt something passing from my body- it felt very large. I looked and while I didn't see the babies, it appeared the be the rest of my placenta and lining, etc, along with whatever else was inside of it. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and felt like vomiting, so I didn't get to take a good look and see if the babies were in there. After that, the pain subsided, but I was still bleeding heavily and we decided to go in an get checked out. Because of the amount of blood, they sent me to the ER where they planned to do a D&C to get any remaining tissue and to stop the bleeding. But by the time they admitted me and sent me up for ultrasound, the bleeding had almost completely stopped- Praise God. I am truly grateful for that! The ultrasound showed that the miscarriage was almost complete, with just some endometrium that needed to come out, which would likely be just like a period over the next few days.
As I was miscarrying, I wasn't really processing my emotions- I was in the zone, just like I was during labor with my daughter. The next day, however, it hit me that I was no longer pregnant, and the babies I was carrying (albeit just for a moment, it seems), were no longer. All the hope I had already invested in this pregnancy was now gone. The pictures I had ordered as announcements would now have to be thrown away. The weight I had gained was no longer excusable. Blah. It just sucked. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I felt guilty that I flushed them down the toilet and didn't get to give them a proper goodbye. I know that sounds crazy, but there is something maternal that kicked in from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and I wanted these two little lives to know that I loved them, even though I never got to hold them.
I am not devastated. I will cry my tears freely because it hurts and I am sad. But I also don't think this is the end for us. I know that we will most likely go on to have at least one more healthy pregnancy- although that's not entirely something I can control. I am not hopeless.
While this whole experience was a nightmare, I noticed that how I view emotions and how I process them has drastically changed over the last year. And to me, that is reason to celebrate. I came from a place where I did not process- I stuffed my emotions. I didn't allow myself to feel anger, much less tell God that I was angry, or sad, or hurt. But this time, I knew I needed the practice, and instead of hiding from God, I ran to him just as I was. Hurt, angry, sad, and scared. It was uncomfortable, but I didn't pretend I was anything else for the sake or fear of his holiness and goodness because He became fully human for me, and I am fully accepted as human with him.
And I realized something- when I come in whatever state I am- I always leave changed because I am able to receive from Him all of his goodness, compassion, love, comfort, mercy, kindness, and understanding. My perspective has done a 180 in the sense that now I come to God expecting to receive from him and have all my needs met. I don't come to perform, or only show him my good, shiny, and perfect parts. I come knowing that I am completely accepted. That in His eyes, I am not a wanderer who is lost, but a child who is home, welcome and complete in Him (as imperfect as I am.) This is a testimony of the complete and utter goodness of God to HEAL and RESTORE my life.
I will leave you with this verse, and I pray that in the coming weeks and months, that God would reveal himself more and more as a great high priest who is able and completely willing to sympathize with our every need, and also as the ONE who will graciously pour out His kindness and mercy in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
This is the first Christmas without my family. One by one I've had to set limits on individuals within my family. It has been a very painful, difficult process filled with many difficult decisions, but has proven to help me heal and grow.
**There is going to be some graphic description in the following text- if you don't want to read it, please consider yourself warned**
About 2 weeks ago, we went in for a follow up ultrasound to check on the health of the twins. I was still in unbelief that there were two growing babies in there, but was completely unprepared that neither would have a heartbeat at the most recent ultrasound. It was a horribly sad day. Blah. I hope to never experience that again.
Then began the wait to miscarry. My naturopath had given me some homeopathic drops to help with the process, but even with that it was a week and 5 days after I had learned that neither baby was living that I miscarried. For some reason, I had only anticipated heavy bleeding- not a birth experience. Boy was I in for a surprise!
My husband had gone to his final writing class for the quarter, and I began heavy cramping that was the equivalent of contractions pain wise. About an hour after they started, they became more frequent and incredibly painful. I called him and told him he needed to come home and take care of our toddler as the pain was barely tolerable at that point. When he got home, I came upstairs to get more comfortable and the cramping got worse. I coughed, and felt a large gush of fluid. I anticipated blood, or tissue or something but it appears that it was my water that broke, along with some tissue that appeared to be the amniotic sac. It was a large clot, and after I passed that the cramping subsided, but I continued to bleed heavily. I was able to relax and watch a movie. I thought the worst was over, but just a few hours later I started having very painful contractions again, and went upstairs for some reason. I went to brace myself and ended up collapsing on the floor from the pain. I just sat there and wept. It was so painful! I couldn't even yell for my husband, so I went to text him…but apparently he didn't have his phone on and it was on silent.
Somehow, I made it to the bathroom, and when I sat down, I felt another large gush and felt something passing from my body- it felt very large. I looked and while I didn't see the babies, it appeared the be the rest of my placenta and lining, etc, along with whatever else was inside of it. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and felt like vomiting, so I didn't get to take a good look and see if the babies were in there. After that, the pain subsided, but I was still bleeding heavily and we decided to go in an get checked out. Because of the amount of blood, they sent me to the ER where they planned to do a D&C to get any remaining tissue and to stop the bleeding. But by the time they admitted me and sent me up for ultrasound, the bleeding had almost completely stopped- Praise God. I am truly grateful for that! The ultrasound showed that the miscarriage was almost complete, with just some endometrium that needed to come out, which would likely be just like a period over the next few days.
As I was miscarrying, I wasn't really processing my emotions- I was in the zone, just like I was during labor with my daughter. The next day, however, it hit me that I was no longer pregnant, and the babies I was carrying (albeit just for a moment, it seems), were no longer. All the hope I had already invested in this pregnancy was now gone. The pictures I had ordered as announcements would now have to be thrown away. The weight I had gained was no longer excusable. Blah. It just sucked. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I felt guilty that I flushed them down the toilet and didn't get to give them a proper goodbye. I know that sounds crazy, but there is something maternal that kicked in from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and I wanted these two little lives to know that I loved them, even though I never got to hold them.
I am not devastated. I will cry my tears freely because it hurts and I am sad. But I also don't think this is the end for us. I know that we will most likely go on to have at least one more healthy pregnancy- although that's not entirely something I can control. I am not hopeless.
While this whole experience was a nightmare, I noticed that how I view emotions and how I process them has drastically changed over the last year. And to me, that is reason to celebrate. I came from a place where I did not process- I stuffed my emotions. I didn't allow myself to feel anger, much less tell God that I was angry, or sad, or hurt. But this time, I knew I needed the practice, and instead of hiding from God, I ran to him just as I was. Hurt, angry, sad, and scared. It was uncomfortable, but I didn't pretend I was anything else for the sake or fear of his holiness and goodness because He became fully human for me, and I am fully accepted as human with him.
And I realized something- when I come in whatever state I am- I always leave changed because I am able to receive from Him all of his goodness, compassion, love, comfort, mercy, kindness, and understanding. My perspective has done a 180 in the sense that now I come to God expecting to receive from him and have all my needs met. I don't come to perform, or only show him my good, shiny, and perfect parts. I come knowing that I am completely accepted. That in His eyes, I am not a wanderer who is lost, but a child who is home, welcome and complete in Him (as imperfect as I am.) This is a testimony of the complete and utter goodness of God to HEAL and RESTORE my life.
I will leave you with this verse, and I pray that in the coming weeks and months, that God would reveal himself more and more as a great high priest who is able and completely willing to sympathize with our every need, and also as the ONE who will graciously pour out His kindness and mercy in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
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