You have heard me gripe and complain about my family life- and I want you to know that I share not because I want to talk badly about my mother, but rather, I feel my story is important...everyone has their story, and I feel it ought to be shared! It's not to rat my mother out as some horrible awful person...because she isn't! it's to free up my soul of the pain of the past so I can run FULLY in the present.
I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how I never thought i'd make it out alive...in fact, there were moments when I didn't know if I even wanted to live through this. I thought for sure I would be marred for life, and that I would experience this pain forever. It is an inexpressible pain to watch your father die before your eyes, and to experience the wrath of the one person who ought to love you unconditionally.
I did my research, and found an AMAZING book called "The Mom Factor", and it talks about the monumental influence mothers have in our lives, and how their "mothering" as they call it affects who you are as a child and as an adult. I was finally able to put my finger on all the frustration, depression, anxiety and anger I had been feeling for so long. I wasn't able to name my feelings or why I had them because I had repressed a lot of memories and a lot of broken emotions for so long, I didn't even know where to begin. But this book helped me. It also helped me to establish boundaries with my mother...and when they said so plainly that you should be prepared for WWIII...they weren't joking.
I don't blame my mom for not understanding me and being confused. I was a quiet kid, I didn't ever speak my mind, and I certainly NEVER told her straight out how I felt about something. I hid myself because it wasn't safe to be exposed. I had been wounded too many times to trust her with my heart. So to all of a sudden come out and share how I really felt about my upbringing and my feelings about her now must have come as quite a shock. I understand that now.
At one point, I was made to feel guilty for not being more vocal, but how could I? I was a sensitive child who wanted nothing more than to obey and be loved by my mother...and when it seemed like I could never obey enough, and that I would never achieve the goal of receiving her love, how could I feel safe? How could I not hide? So I learned to lie to protect myself, and just stay out of the way. It was too painful otherwise.
She got mad at me for not being home more, for not putting her and my dad at the top of my priority list (something is wrong with this picture!)...but never once seemed to question whether or not she played a part in my distance from her. Who would want to spend their time with someone who complains constantly about how miserable their life is, who has no bridle for her tongue and leaves wake of woundedness behind her.
Who would choose to spend their days with a person who constantly criticizes you for who you are? Anger can be a very strong motivator, and for me, I had had enough (pregnancy hormones probably helped!). I wasn't going to be bullied any more. I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over because my mom had issues. I was not her problem, SHE was her problem. And she was not my problem. I was finally going to be ME and either be accepted, or be rejected, but I wouldn't hide anymore.
The Lord gave me specific instruction along the way , with the main theme of His message being to separate myself...Choose whom I would serve, because I couldn't serve both them and my King. " Matthew 19:29 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." I knew that I had a choice to make. I could not serve my family and my heavenly father, because sadly, the things they did and said didn't line up with His will for my life, and because my desire to please my parents was so strong, I had to break away from that first. There were roots in me that needed to be destroyed if He was to make me useful for His kingdom.
Do I wish I didn't have to take this road? ABSOLUTELY! Do I wish I hadn't wounded my parents in the process of my separation from them? ABSOLUTELY!! But...There is a price to be paid for following Jesus. He himself was persecuted, misunderstood, beaten, and abandoned by his own friends for following the will the father had set out before Him. It would be foolish to think that as a Christian I wouldn't experience the some of the same mistreatment.
My desire all along was that there would be forgiveness and reconciliation. I didn't want to sit in a counselor's chair discussing over and over the painful events of the past, but I wanted to be transformed by forgiveness, to allow room for God to come in and heal me, and the broken relationship that is. It was never to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day, they did the best they could with the tools they had. They gave me Jesus, after all...and that is all I need.
Where I am today- My mom and I are talking again, and I am slowly learning how to let her back into my life while guarding my heart. We still haven't sat down to discuss what all went down this last year, but I'm not sure there is a need for that yet. I pray that God exposes any root of unforgiveness in my heart so I can be free to love her as He has loved me, but it is a work in progress. I have days where I still struggle with this. She in turn, seems to be learning how to keep the boundaries I have set...and I'm proud of her for that.
I wonder still, where to go from here...But, I know God knows the steps before me, and I just pray I stay humble to the process of whatever it is He is doing through this.
Whatever your journey looks like, wherever you have come from and wherever you are going, God is working all things for your good, and as 1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." AMEN!!! Be Blessed today.
