Letting Go...

Letting go is hard business. We can get ourselves in trouble when we involve ourselves in things we have no business understanding in the first place. Oops #159. My goal, of course was to gain some insight as to why I felt so poorly about my mother/childhood. I wanted our relationship to be better so I delved into understanding my past. I knew based on several books by Beth Moore, that you should only survey the ruins for as long as absolutely necessary so as not to stay in them- the key is learning when to leave it behind! (Another lesson learned the hard way!)

I think it is important to understand why we feel the things we do. For me, it was years of suppressed emotion that led me here. The Lord began to slowly unveil hidden places, hurting places in my heart- painful memories and emotions that were hard to face, but nonetheless would remain unless I allowed them to be dealt with.

Thus began the hard task of trying to reconcile with my mother. We were not estranged by any means, but I kept my distance for several good reasons. I kept her out of my life because she hurt me. I loved her with condition. I carried years and years of resentment and bitterness towards her. It was not a good place to be. I think after my dad died, she wanted to make things right but didn't really have the skills to face her own monsters, much less, face me- the one exposing them. Keep in mind, I did not expose them publicly- I only shared with her certain things she had done that had wounded me and only because she asked. I didn't feel it would be good for either of us to sit down and list off every painful experience- after all, could any of us stand under the weight of that? I know I couldn't.

It became clear, fairly quickly, that she was not ready for this part of the process and I would have to do the work of forgiving someone who refused to acknowledge that I saw and felt things very differently then she did. While I gained a truck load of understanding and insight as to WHY things happened as they did, it did not take care of the hurt I received at the brunt end of it. I was missing a huge piece to the puzzle: The apology. While this is not necessary to be able to forgive, it sure would have been easier!

As I mentioned before, the final stage in forgiveness (it is cyclical, not linear), is allowing a hard heart to become soft again and let the anger and unforgiveness turn to hurt. In order for this to happen, God has to show up. I can tell you from experience that while words of comfort from friends and mentors add a little, the hole of hurt and rejection leave a hole no person is fit to fill. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and AMAZING friends...but God has designed us in a way that we really can only be satisfied by him.

I had allowed myself to make a god out of this situation- going over and over every detail, analyzing and reanalyzing- maybe if had said this instead of that, she would have acknowledged. She would say she's sorry and then I'd have the mom I always wanted.  And oh, the times I said things I shouldn't have! The times others gossiped and shared things with her what were meant only for trusting ears! The weight of guilt and shame and disappointment was profound, to say the least, almost devastating. I cannot change this. I cannot fix this. Everything I've tried has failed. Lord, what can I do?

I was afraid to let go and let God. I had become addicted to fixing this problem. I was afraid that He was just waiting to punish me for the mistakes I'd made. But His love came rushing in- like mad. Someone gave me a word and I felt for the first time since all this brokenness began, God's love covering my heart. It wasn't about anything I had done or ever would do! Finally, I understood- there is NOTHING that can separate me from His love. Not even my own failures. I saw him place a stamp over my heart that said "accepted". I may have been rejected by my mother, failed by my father and gossiped about by those who don't know me- but none of that matters. I can let go, because I know the one who is holding me, and will lead me to solid ground.

And then it hit me: This is how I can love my mother. This love, that accepts me as I am, weak and failing, a broken hot mess- without condition! It is not dependent on my successes or failures- this love will allow me to love others the way that God has loved me. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us."

I don't know where God is leading from here, but I am believing for good things.

My prayer for you is this:  Ephesians 3:18 "[That you may really come] to know [practically, ^[e]through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses ^[f]mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being]^[g]unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and ^[h]become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!"

God bless you today!

The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!

Surrender

I am learning that the life of a Christian is a surrendered life...and it is not always easy to lay things down. I am STILL learning to forgive my mom- this is a daily and sometimes hourly process for me- I cannot lie about that.

This last year has been a whirlwind. Almost a year ago, I found out I had an old injury that was contributing to the anxiety I was feeling (due to injury of some areas that control my adrenal and thyroid gland). At the same time, it was apparent that my coping skills were VASTLY underdeveloped, and I went in search of a qualified Christian counselor to help walk me through some very murky waters. I have learned a lot and have been greatly humbled by the process.

I learned, through my own physical illness and limitations, that God wants us to take care of our bodies! It's so important because healthy emotions are reliant upon healthy bodies- this means correcting deficiencies that could be contributing to any problems. I had a major fear of having panic attacks as my mom had them virtually all her life. I had a week of them  that led me to discover the head injury and let me tell you- it is hell on earth. Waking up in a sweat, heart pounding straight out of your chest, and in an instant, over the toilet...trying to catch your breath. It literally feels like you are dying. I also learned that my body doesn't absorb Vitamin B like it should, so even taking a supplement is not enough for me. (Vitamin B is highly important for mood, energy, etc).  Though I was at first angry at the Lord for allowing me to experience this after "all we've been through" (ha!), through it, he placed in me an understanding and compassion for my mother that I probably would have never had.

I am extremely grateful for the care I received and that through quick intervention, this will not be a lifelong pattern for me. As I was saying, it helped me to understand how difficult it would have been for my mom to have raised 4 children under such a constant onslaught of attacks.

This brings me back to the forgiveness piece. Part of the process is gaining an understanding for the person who hurt you. It is a hard process. I have separated myself from my mom so that I could heal and to give God time to deal with my heart and to truly forgive her. To allow myself the space to say "that hurt me, this is not okay" as I have an awful tendency to pretend things don't bother me or that nothing hurts me (it was my way of surviving for a time). But God wants us to have healthy emotions! So, through counsel, I am learning how to allow that anger to turn into hurt, and also praying for God to unfreeze my heart that has been hardened by pain.

It is frustrating, and slow. One day I'll be doing just great, and then the next, something will trigger a conversation or words said and bam- I'm seemingly right back at square one. But I have noticed something: my heart towards her IS changing (THANK YOU GOD!)- I am remembering more good things and it is becoming easier to forgive. That being said, I have still chosen not to move any closer to her for the time being (not initiating phone calls, texts or email). I would hate to move too close too fast and have all that work be undone! As my good friend says "it's like allowing yourself to be thrown into the pit that God graciously has worked so hard to pull you out of!" SOOOO true.

I am believing that even if she never changes, my heart will be well enough to have grace for her and tolerate her more. If God want's to do more, then GREAT! But, my focus is solely on allowing God to do what He needs to do in me. He has been faithful to use this hard and ugly thing to untangle the knots and fears that have held me captive for so long.

OH, one more thing! There is power in our praise and worship! I am learning that although it may not magically cause God to change our circumstances, it DOES give us the grace to soar above them...once again, I am not a perfect example of this! Just a tool I am learning to use.

God bless you today.

No fear in love

^{1 John 4:18} There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

This is one of my favorite verses of all time, yet, many of us (including myself!) never understand that perfect love and how love itself can drive away fear. I am just now starting to understand how perfect God's love is, and what that means. To understand this love that is stronger than death, we must first understand how one can die without it.

As infants, our brains develop only once they have securely and lovingly attached to the parent or caregiver. Knowing that one is sufficiently loved, he or she  can then go on to develop other necessary parts and learn and grow in complete health. When children are starved of that love, whether by neglect, abuse or whatever, they fail to thrive (this is where the term 'failure to thrive' came about, although there are some other causes of this as well, but for this post, bear with my original idea).

Whether we have had perfect parents, or not so perfect parents- all of our worldly examples pale in comparison to our perfect God. All other loves are counterfeit in comparison to His. I used to view God through a broken lens, I used to view that He was like certain people that have failed me, and that if His love was a broken and selfish as theirs, I wanted nothing to do with it. But then I learned that HIS love is perfect, that as perfect as others may seem, their love is still only a shadow or a taste of His love for us. 

I used to read this verse at a distance- wondering what this perfect love was like- wondering what it mean for perfect love to "cast out fear", as the two most important examples in my life tended to usher fear into the relationship, not cast it out. 

I don't know how it is happening, other then asking for a lot of prayer and praying in the love of God. IT says in the word that we are to know and understand and be deeply rooted in the love of God. His love is ESSENTIAL to our growth an development! If we don't find our security, our establishment and identity in His love, we too will fail to thrive. We will be easily wounded, proud, bitter, selfish and self seeking. But when we know and grow our roots down deep into His love, we become more like love HIMSELF- as God is love! The roots of his love begin to crowd out and overthrow roots of anything that is not like him.

Recently, I've been struggling with some issues of rejection. It seems this mom issue was more deeply intertwined than I care to admit! Roots of shame, bitterness, guilt, and rejection were so deeply established that once I get rid of one,  I realize another issue is sitting there as well. This issue with my mom has shown me how much I care about what others think of me, that I have allowed their disapproval and attacks shape the way I think about myself. Talk about identity crisis! 

How can God use situations like this? Their ugliness, bumpiness, swampiness? Perhaps He uses them to reveal how desperately needy for His love we have been all along! Stripped of everything that once caused us to feel secure and safe, we left with two choices: run to the world (drugs, food, alcohol, wrong relationships which will all inevitably fail us), or run to the Father, risk exposure and look at the root of the hurt in the first place and be restored. It is painful, I won't lie- but at what point do we leave the facade behind, the expectations of what everyone else wants us to be, and everything we are not that they make us so painfully aware of, and just BE who God made us to be? 

Perfect love casts OUT fear. I was just thinking and praying about starting a small group, and all in the same second became terrified- what if I fail? What if I jump in and realize I really have nothing to give? In that moment, I sensed God smile, we need not fear because His love is perfect towards us. He knows that our heart is to do good, to please and honor him, to serve him. He is not asking for perfection, just willingness. 

I read a story somewhere recently of a little girl who wanted to pick flowers for her mother. She plucked a few daisies, went in to grab a vase- which was too high off the ground. As she reached for it, it toppled to the ground and shattered into pieces. The mom went to the child, swooped her up and although she was upset about the broken vase, told the child how thoughtful the gift was and how much she loved her.  That is an example of perfect love- we try to do good, but end up maybe making a few mistakes or errors along the way. 

It is ONLY His love that drives out insecurity, fear of failure or wondering if we matter at all. I'm still a work in progress, and won't fully understand His love until we are face to face, but I want to be established in that love- that nothing else might move me! I pray the same for you.

Be encouraged today! God loves you right as you are, messed up as you are, broken as you are and discouraged as you are. Rest in His perfect love today.