Well, this holiday season has proven to be much different than years before. Mostly in good ways, but also in some painful and hard ways.
This is the first Christmas without my family. One by one I've had to set limits on individuals within my family. It has been a very painful, difficult process filled with many difficult decisions, but has proven to help me heal and grow.
**There is going to be some graphic description in the following text- if you don't want to read it, please consider yourself warned**
About 2 weeks ago, we went in for a follow up ultrasound to check on the health of the twins. I was still in unbelief that there were two growing babies in there, but was completely unprepared that neither would have a heartbeat at the most recent ultrasound. It was a horribly sad day. Blah. I hope to never experience that again.
Then began the wait to miscarry. My naturopath had given me some homeopathic drops to help with the process, but even with that it was a week and 5 days after I had learned that neither baby was living that I miscarried. For some reason, I had only anticipated heavy bleeding- not a birth experience. Boy was I in for a surprise!
My husband had gone to his final writing class for the quarter, and I began heavy cramping that was the equivalent of contractions pain wise. About an hour after they started, they became more frequent and incredibly painful. I called him and told him he needed to come home and take care of our toddler as the pain was barely tolerable at that point. When he got home, I came upstairs to get more comfortable and the cramping got worse. I coughed, and felt a large gush of fluid. I anticipated blood, or tissue or something but it appears that it was my water that broke, along with some tissue that appeared to be the amniotic sac. It was a large clot, and after I passed that the cramping subsided, but I continued to bleed heavily. I was able to relax and watch a movie. I thought the worst was over, but just a few hours later I started having very painful contractions again, and went upstairs for some reason. I went to brace myself and ended up collapsing on the floor from the pain. I just sat there and wept. It was so painful! I couldn't even yell for my husband, so I went to text him…but apparently he didn't have his phone on and it was on silent.
Somehow, I made it to the bathroom, and when I sat down, I felt another large gush and felt something passing from my body- it felt very large. I looked and while I didn't see the babies, it appeared the be the rest of my placenta and lining, etc, along with whatever else was inside of it. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and felt like vomiting, so I didn't get to take a good look and see if the babies were in there. After that, the pain subsided, but I was still bleeding heavily and we decided to go in an get checked out. Because of the amount of blood, they sent me to the ER where they planned to do a D&C to get any remaining tissue and to stop the bleeding. But by the time they admitted me and sent me up for ultrasound, the bleeding had almost completely stopped- Praise God. I am truly grateful for that! The ultrasound showed that the miscarriage was almost complete, with just some endometrium that needed to come out, which would likely be just like a period over the next few days.
As I was miscarrying, I wasn't really processing my emotions- I was in the zone, just like I was during labor with my daughter. The next day, however, it hit me that I was no longer pregnant, and the babies I was carrying (albeit just for a moment, it seems), were no longer. All the hope I had already invested in this pregnancy was now gone. The pictures I had ordered as announcements would now have to be thrown away. The weight I had gained was no longer excusable. Blah. It just sucked. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I felt guilty that I flushed them down the toilet and didn't get to give them a proper goodbye. I know that sounds crazy, but there is something maternal that kicked in from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and I wanted these two little lives to know that I loved them, even though I never got to hold them.
I am not devastated. I will cry my tears freely because it hurts and I am sad. But I also don't think this is the end for us. I know that we will most likely go on to have at least one more healthy pregnancy- although that's not entirely something I can control. I am not hopeless.
While this whole experience was a nightmare, I noticed that how I view emotions and how I process them has drastically changed over the last year. And to me, that is reason to celebrate. I came from a place where I did not process- I stuffed my emotions. I didn't allow myself to feel anger, much less tell God that I was angry, or sad, or hurt. But this time, I knew I needed the practice, and instead of hiding from God, I ran to him just as I was. Hurt, angry, sad, and scared. It was uncomfortable, but I didn't pretend I was anything else for the sake or fear of his holiness and goodness because He became fully human for me, and I am fully accepted as human with him.
And I realized something- when I come in whatever state I am- I always leave changed because I am able to receive from Him all of his goodness, compassion, love, comfort, mercy, kindness, and understanding. My perspective has done a 180 in the sense that now I come to God expecting to receive from him and have all my needs met. I don't come to perform, or only show him my good, shiny, and perfect parts. I come knowing that I am completely accepted. That in His eyes, I am not a wanderer who is lost, but a child who is home, welcome and complete in Him (as imperfect as I am.) This is a testimony of the complete and utter goodness of God to HEAL and RESTORE my life.
I will leave you with this verse, and I pray that in the coming weeks and months, that God would reveal himself more and more as a great high priest who is able and completely willing to sympathize with our every need, and also as the ONE who will graciously pour out His kindness and mercy in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Monday, December 23, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Whirlwind
It's been a while since I've posted. It's been a crazy 10 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at the end of October. We were thrilled that it didn't take any time at all to get pregnant with our second child, but I was then faced with the dilemma of if/when/how to tell my family- as almost none of my side of the family is involved in my life right now.
There were a couple weeks of stressing and praying, and we finally decided the best option would be that we wouldn't tell them unless I am in relationship with them again. They are just not safe people, and given how horrendous my last pregnancy was (emotionally) the last time, I wanted as little drama to deal with as possible.
I had my first ultrasound around 7.5 weeks. When I went in, my nurse midwife did the early ultrasound and the yolk sac was only measuring about 6 weeks- no baby was seen attached to it yet, but I also knew I ovulate late, and my dating has always been off because of that. I knew, too, that 6 weeks is right on the cusp of being able to see baby and heartbeat. I had to wait another week to determine for sure if this pregnancy was viable- at which point I was not concerned.
At the second ultrasound, my husband was not able to go with me. I was nervous, only because of how negative my doctor was at the first ultrasound. The technician spent her time doing the full exam, and as she scanned across my uterus, there appeared a second baby. You can imagine my surprise! I started shaking, and asking her if I saw what I thought I saw- she said it most definitely looks like a fetal pole (aka baby), but only one baby had a heartbeat. The second baby was measuring a few days behind, but that wasn't uncommon either in a twin pregnancy. I was in such shock, I really didn't believe it. I didn't know what to think! My husband actually didn't believe me either. They told me that they wanted to see me back in 7-10 days to get a better look. I decided to wait until after Thanksgiving, to give them more time to grow.
I was not prepared for that visit. I was immediately uncomfortable with the technician, I really don't know why. But as she did the transvaginal ultrasound, I could tell that the babies hadn't grown at all. They were just as small as almost 2 weeks before and I knew I should have been able to clearly see the fluttering hearts and little nubs wiggling around. I saw neither. The heart that had once been beating was no longer. She said nothing but "I need to talk to the radiologist. I will be right back." I was immediately angry. We sat, waiting for almost 20 minutes before she came back. Again, she gave no answer as to what was going on, but told me they wanted to see me upstairs in OB. GRRR. Me, my husband and dear daughter walked upstairs and waited another 30 minutes for a doctor whom I had never met, to tell me what in the world was going on. And I still didn't believe it.
She was wonderful though, assertive, to the point, but kind. She informed me that the previous ultrasound, one fetus had a heart rate which was low. She asked me if I had been told that. I told her that I had not- or if they did tell me, I didn't fully grasp what that meant. She informed me that when they see a low heart rate early, it can indicate an abnormality with the heart and can lead to miscarriage- but there is nothing they can do about it so early. I just sat and listened. She told me that she was very sorry, but that the pregnancy was not viable. She went through the options of having a D&C or to give myself some time to miscarry at home. Because the babies were still only measuring about 6 weeks, I opted to miscarry naturally (if my body would allow), vs having a surgical procedure. I felt this should be done in the comfort of my own home.
I cried the whole way home. I had just (literally the day before) ordered our Christmas cards which was the pregnancy announcement. I knew they would be arriving any day, and I no longer wanted to ever check my mail again. I thought my body would magically know that the babies had died, but apparently it can take weeks for your body to recognize that and miscarry. I've had cramping for a week and only now just started bleeding.
I know the facts, people miscarry- it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you (unless they are reoccurring), it usually means that there is a fetal abnormality that does not allow for their survival, and in that case, I am grateful that this has happened now and not 10 weeks or 20 weeks, or God forbid after the baby is born.
Husbands just don't know what to do. In their mind, we can try again. We will have more babies. My husband, though he was well meaning, said something very stupid on the way home that day. He said "Think of it this way! Now we can go snowboarding for our anniversary." I wanted to punch him in the throat. For them, there is no emotional connection until they are born, or later. But there is something mysterious and amazing where the mother bonds with the baby (or babies) simply by a matter of hormones the moment that test is confirmed. I can't explain it because it makes no sense to me that I would feel such immense grief over something I just barely even knew. Those hormones that make you feel bloated, cause your boobs to hurt and make you want to throw up are a constant reminder that you are pregnant and all the hope and dreams that come along with that. I was still feeling all of those things when I went in for my appointment. I no longer feel them now.
A friend of mine just lost triplets- one at 9 weeks, one at 17 weeks and the third baby @ 19 weeks. I don't even want to imagine what life is like for her right now. I know that I have been spared an even more difficult journey, and for that I am grateful. But I am still very, very sad that I have lost two potential children, and sad that I have to try again. And to be honest, I don't know that I would have much tact or grace if one more person asks me when we are going to have more kids. Because just a week ago, I would have said "July 15th!"
I know that we will likely go on to have another healthy child, I'm not without hope. But it has been a whirlwind of 3 months.
There were a couple weeks of stressing and praying, and we finally decided the best option would be that we wouldn't tell them unless I am in relationship with them again. They are just not safe people, and given how horrendous my last pregnancy was (emotionally) the last time, I wanted as little drama to deal with as possible.
I had my first ultrasound around 7.5 weeks. When I went in, my nurse midwife did the early ultrasound and the yolk sac was only measuring about 6 weeks- no baby was seen attached to it yet, but I also knew I ovulate late, and my dating has always been off because of that. I knew, too, that 6 weeks is right on the cusp of being able to see baby and heartbeat. I had to wait another week to determine for sure if this pregnancy was viable- at which point I was not concerned.
At the second ultrasound, my husband was not able to go with me. I was nervous, only because of how negative my doctor was at the first ultrasound. The technician spent her time doing the full exam, and as she scanned across my uterus, there appeared a second baby. You can imagine my surprise! I started shaking, and asking her if I saw what I thought I saw- she said it most definitely looks like a fetal pole (aka baby), but only one baby had a heartbeat. The second baby was measuring a few days behind, but that wasn't uncommon either in a twin pregnancy. I was in such shock, I really didn't believe it. I didn't know what to think! My husband actually didn't believe me either. They told me that they wanted to see me back in 7-10 days to get a better look. I decided to wait until after Thanksgiving, to give them more time to grow.
I was not prepared for that visit. I was immediately uncomfortable with the technician, I really don't know why. But as she did the transvaginal ultrasound, I could tell that the babies hadn't grown at all. They were just as small as almost 2 weeks before and I knew I should have been able to clearly see the fluttering hearts and little nubs wiggling around. I saw neither. The heart that had once been beating was no longer. She said nothing but "I need to talk to the radiologist. I will be right back." I was immediately angry. We sat, waiting for almost 20 minutes before she came back. Again, she gave no answer as to what was going on, but told me they wanted to see me upstairs in OB. GRRR. Me, my husband and dear daughter walked upstairs and waited another 30 minutes for a doctor whom I had never met, to tell me what in the world was going on. And I still didn't believe it.
She was wonderful though, assertive, to the point, but kind. She informed me that the previous ultrasound, one fetus had a heart rate which was low. She asked me if I had been told that. I told her that I had not- or if they did tell me, I didn't fully grasp what that meant. She informed me that when they see a low heart rate early, it can indicate an abnormality with the heart and can lead to miscarriage- but there is nothing they can do about it so early. I just sat and listened. She told me that she was very sorry, but that the pregnancy was not viable. She went through the options of having a D&C or to give myself some time to miscarry at home. Because the babies were still only measuring about 6 weeks, I opted to miscarry naturally (if my body would allow), vs having a surgical procedure. I felt this should be done in the comfort of my own home.
I cried the whole way home. I had just (literally the day before) ordered our Christmas cards which was the pregnancy announcement. I knew they would be arriving any day, and I no longer wanted to ever check my mail again. I thought my body would magically know that the babies had died, but apparently it can take weeks for your body to recognize that and miscarry. I've had cramping for a week and only now just started bleeding.
I know the facts, people miscarry- it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you (unless they are reoccurring), it usually means that there is a fetal abnormality that does not allow for their survival, and in that case, I am grateful that this has happened now and not 10 weeks or 20 weeks, or God forbid after the baby is born.
Husbands just don't know what to do. In their mind, we can try again. We will have more babies. My husband, though he was well meaning, said something very stupid on the way home that day. He said "Think of it this way! Now we can go snowboarding for our anniversary." I wanted to punch him in the throat. For them, there is no emotional connection until they are born, or later. But there is something mysterious and amazing where the mother bonds with the baby (or babies) simply by a matter of hormones the moment that test is confirmed. I can't explain it because it makes no sense to me that I would feel such immense grief over something I just barely even knew. Those hormones that make you feel bloated, cause your boobs to hurt and make you want to throw up are a constant reminder that you are pregnant and all the hope and dreams that come along with that. I was still feeling all of those things when I went in for my appointment. I no longer feel them now.
A friend of mine just lost triplets- one at 9 weeks, one at 17 weeks and the third baby @ 19 weeks. I don't even want to imagine what life is like for her right now. I know that I have been spared an even more difficult journey, and for that I am grateful. But I am still very, very sad that I have lost two potential children, and sad that I have to try again. And to be honest, I don't know that I would have much tact or grace if one more person asks me when we are going to have more kids. Because just a week ago, I would have said "July 15th!"
I know that we will likely go on to have another healthy child, I'm not without hope. But it has been a whirlwind of 3 months.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Turning Points
There comes a time when we have been wounded, slighted, spoken ill of, belittled, or just in general, treated poorly, when we have to turn from the wounding TOWARDS the good that God has for us.
Romans 8:28 "8 We are assured and know that [[j]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose."
Isaiah 61:7 "Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours."
Romans 8:28 "8 We are assured and know that [[j]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose."
Isaiah 61:7 "Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours."
Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you have put something down, on the ground or on a surface. Imagine now turning 180 degrees. In that span of time when you are turning from one direction to another, it will feel like you are empty handed. You might be tempted to look back at the offense, the offender and everything you are missing. You may have to fight doubt and unbelief in the promises of God. I know that in addition to that, I tend to project what other people have said about me onto God- assuming that He, too, thinks the very worst of me.
I've learned that the key is understanding that we might not receive what we are waiting for immediately. It may be months or years. I believe that it is in trusting God to be the need meeter, that our perspective changes from one of being in want, to one of having all that we need because HE is our everything.
I currently only have a relationship with one brother. My father is dead. My mother is mentally and physically ill. I have 2 siblings that do not speak to me because I am not living up to their expectations regarding our mother- or for other reasons I am not aware of. I am, quite literally, in a position of turning from something, towards something else. I am often tempted to look back, to look down at my empty hands and wonder what God is doing, or wonder when He plans on restoring. I could choose, too, to ponder every word that has been spoken to me in accusation as if it were the truth. But God speaks a truth that is greater than any opposing argument, and we must choose to arm ourselves with the truth.
Another thing- Romans 8:28 does NOT infer that God purposes bad things to happen to us. God is always good, always kind, always seeking our best interest. PEOPLE, on the other hand, are subject to change. Their words often reflect what is residing in their heart, and their will is involved in that. God didn't will my family to stand in as the accuser in my life because God does not accuse. It says in Revelation 12:10 that satan (literally translated accuser, adversary) stands before God accusing the saints day and night. So, when someone uses accusation or judgement against us- we can be certain that it is not God's hand advising that. Now, that being said- God WILL work together ALL things for good. Not just good things- all things. And sometimes there is a waiting involved in the process, and there is most definitely ALWAYS a turning needed.
We are not without hope in waiting: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
One final thing- surround yourself not only with the promises of God, but with people who believe in you, who are not sitting in judgement over your process, and who encourage you.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Turns out it didn't go so well.
As you know, I had the dreaded conversation with my sister about a week ago. I thought it went well. I respected her, and agreed to disagree, if you will. She seemed to understand what I was saying and my need for boundaries. I was firmer than I had ever been with her, and did tell her some of the nonsense that my mother has been up to recently- aka- emailing my MIL suggesting that I am mentally unstable. She showed no genuine concern for the fact that my mother is lying about me behind my back, and only expressed anger at my MIL for showing me what my mom was up to.
During our phone conversation, my sister had mentioned that she had wanted to send me a letter- of what? Well...I was about to find out. I guess our conversation didn't go so well after all! I received an email from my sister. It started out nice enough, but soon turned sour. She began asking me AGAIN why I chose to go no contact with my mom. "I just don't understand why you won't let her see your daughter. Why you won't let her see you." It escalated from there to accusing me AGAIN of being unforgiving, vindictive and mean. She then went so far as to say that I can't just walk away and expect for them to welcome me back with open arms, as if I didn't hurt people in the process. But again, she showed no concern for the fact that I had been hurt by my mother and thus decided to not participate in family functions. She only showed concern for my mother- who clearly is playing the victim quite well. It was clear that my sister was not understanding me. Now, mind you, up until this point, I had explained myself 4 times- via text message, over the phone and in email. What else can I say? It became evident that she was not interested any longer in what I had to say- but in being right.
I explained to her in further detail what it means to have a boundary and keep a boundary. I explained to her that it would actually be cruel and unkind if I said "hey mom, no contact for now, okay?" and then chose to contact her whenever I wanted, sending her gifts, messages etc. because I would actually be violating my own boundary. I explained to her that I didn't do any of these things to be mean, but to be as clear as possible about where I stand in the relationship. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall.
I told her that I felt like she was really disappointed in my decision, and that she had made up her mind about me and my decisions and was not happy about it. I told her I was sorry for that, but the boundary isn't changing. It finally came out that she was resentful of me for not meeting her expectations of my role as my mother's daughter. I told her that I was sorry for not meeting her expectations, but I could not make her more comfortable with my decision, and perhaps she would need to discuss that with a counselor. She agreed, and stated something to the effect "I just don't know what to do to make the hurt go away." Well, for starters, look at the actual source of the pain! Don't look at me. Blame shifting will get you no where, but is a sure fire way to ruin relationships in a speedy manner.
Oy. My husband was not pleased that she wasn't backing down. I then received an email from my mother saying "just so you know, I haven't been telling people that you are mentally ill...I don't know who told you that." Ummm...where did she get that nice little tidbit? I know for a fact my friends aren't calling my mom telling her that piece of information. So, that leaves one person- my sister. When my sister and I had talked on the phone, I asked her straight out if she was sharing information with my mom, because there were a few instances where mom would email or text me and immediately after I had shared something with my sister. She said she had not...well, it appears then that she is lying.
My husband said "that's it. I'm talking to your sister. I'm sick and tired of this game they are playing against you." I wasn't really thrilled with the idea, but if he had an issue with my sister, then he had a right to address it.
He laid it out for her. He was firm, but truthful- and that's exactly what she needed- a big fat dose of truth. I won't get into all the details, but you can probably guess that my sis was NOOOOOOOTT happy. She texted me the next day saying "I don't understand how you can condone such abusive and ridiculous behavior from your husband." So, she considers my husband standing in for me, addressing the fact that she needs to seriously consider that mom is mentally ill and stop blaming me for what is my mother's fault abusive, but doesn't consider my mom's ill treatment of me to be abusive? That's interesting...I told her I hadn't read my husband's letter, but if she had an issue with him, I know he would be glad to discuss it and work it out. She then got angry that I didn't apologize for what my husband said (I did go back and read the letter- there was nothing inappropriate or unkind in the letter), and angry that I was supporting him. She stated that she would NEVER condone her husband to writing a letter like that behind her back. I told her that "If your husband had an issue with me, he has every right to bring that to my attention. That is all my husband was doing here." She didn't back down, and I was about to shut the conversation down, when she said "Well, I think we just need to not talk for a while." I said "yeah, I think that's best."
Alllllll of that shows me a few things:
1. My sister and I want two different things. She does not seem to be okay with my decisions and it feels like she is trying to intimidate me into changing my decision to make her more comfortable.
2. When under pressure, she reminds me a little too much of my mother. She went straight to character attacks when she was upset instead of acknowledging our different opinions and making peace with that.
3. She is lying to me- which shows me that she might not be a safe or trustworthy person either.
4. My family has some serious issues with communication. Not the least of which is triangulation and blame shifting.
I think my sister is probably feeling the pressure of my mom's behavior. I know that mom is talking about me to her, and knowing how much my mom perseverates on an issue, I wouldn't be surprised if it is the majority of what she is talking about. My sister does not seem to be aware that my mother's mental health is a serious issue, that she ought to take concern with that, and as such, does not seem to be able to understand the evil my mom is capable of, and is now taking my mother's side.
As much as this behavior from my sister doesn't surprise me, I am deeply hurt that she would reject my perspective, devalue my feelings and ultimately throw the relationship away all because she can't seem to keep herself out of the middle of an already complicated relationship.
During our phone conversation, my sister had mentioned that she had wanted to send me a letter- of what? Well...I was about to find out. I guess our conversation didn't go so well after all! I received an email from my sister. It started out nice enough, but soon turned sour. She began asking me AGAIN why I chose to go no contact with my mom. "I just don't understand why you won't let her see your daughter. Why you won't let her see you." It escalated from there to accusing me AGAIN of being unforgiving, vindictive and mean. She then went so far as to say that I can't just walk away and expect for them to welcome me back with open arms, as if I didn't hurt people in the process. But again, she showed no concern for the fact that I had been hurt by my mother and thus decided to not participate in family functions. She only showed concern for my mother- who clearly is playing the victim quite well. It was clear that my sister was not understanding me. Now, mind you, up until this point, I had explained myself 4 times- via text message, over the phone and in email. What else can I say? It became evident that she was not interested any longer in what I had to say- but in being right.
I explained to her in further detail what it means to have a boundary and keep a boundary. I explained to her that it would actually be cruel and unkind if I said "hey mom, no contact for now, okay?" and then chose to contact her whenever I wanted, sending her gifts, messages etc. because I would actually be violating my own boundary. I explained to her that I didn't do any of these things to be mean, but to be as clear as possible about where I stand in the relationship. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall.
I told her that I felt like she was really disappointed in my decision, and that she had made up her mind about me and my decisions and was not happy about it. I told her I was sorry for that, but the boundary isn't changing. It finally came out that she was resentful of me for not meeting her expectations of my role as my mother's daughter. I told her that I was sorry for not meeting her expectations, but I could not make her more comfortable with my decision, and perhaps she would need to discuss that with a counselor. She agreed, and stated something to the effect "I just don't know what to do to make the hurt go away." Well, for starters, look at the actual source of the pain! Don't look at me. Blame shifting will get you no where, but is a sure fire way to ruin relationships in a speedy manner.
Oy. My husband was not pleased that she wasn't backing down. I then received an email from my mother saying "just so you know, I haven't been telling people that you are mentally ill...I don't know who told you that." Ummm...where did she get that nice little tidbit? I know for a fact my friends aren't calling my mom telling her that piece of information. So, that leaves one person- my sister. When my sister and I had talked on the phone, I asked her straight out if she was sharing information with my mom, because there were a few instances where mom would email or text me and immediately after I had shared something with my sister. She said she had not...well, it appears then that she is lying.
My husband said "that's it. I'm talking to your sister. I'm sick and tired of this game they are playing against you." I wasn't really thrilled with the idea, but if he had an issue with my sister, then he had a right to address it.
He laid it out for her. He was firm, but truthful- and that's exactly what she needed- a big fat dose of truth. I won't get into all the details, but you can probably guess that my sis was NOOOOOOOTT happy. She texted me the next day saying "I don't understand how you can condone such abusive and ridiculous behavior from your husband." So, she considers my husband standing in for me, addressing the fact that she needs to seriously consider that mom is mentally ill and stop blaming me for what is my mother's fault abusive, but doesn't consider my mom's ill treatment of me to be abusive? That's interesting...I told her I hadn't read my husband's letter, but if she had an issue with him, I know he would be glad to discuss it and work it out. She then got angry that I didn't apologize for what my husband said (I did go back and read the letter- there was nothing inappropriate or unkind in the letter), and angry that I was supporting him. She stated that she would NEVER condone her husband to writing a letter like that behind her back. I told her that "If your husband had an issue with me, he has every right to bring that to my attention. That is all my husband was doing here." She didn't back down, and I was about to shut the conversation down, when she said "Well, I think we just need to not talk for a while." I said "yeah, I think that's best."
Alllllll of that shows me a few things:
1. My sister and I want two different things. She does not seem to be okay with my decisions and it feels like she is trying to intimidate me into changing my decision to make her more comfortable.
2. When under pressure, she reminds me a little too much of my mother. She went straight to character attacks when she was upset instead of acknowledging our different opinions and making peace with that.
3. She is lying to me- which shows me that she might not be a safe or trustworthy person either.
4. My family has some serious issues with communication. Not the least of which is triangulation and blame shifting.
I think my sister is probably feeling the pressure of my mom's behavior. I know that mom is talking about me to her, and knowing how much my mom perseverates on an issue, I wouldn't be surprised if it is the majority of what she is talking about. My sister does not seem to be aware that my mother's mental health is a serious issue, that she ought to take concern with that, and as such, does not seem to be able to understand the evil my mom is capable of, and is now taking my mother's side.
As much as this behavior from my sister doesn't surprise me, I am deeply hurt that she would reject my perspective, devalue my feelings and ultimately throw the relationship away all because she can't seem to keep herself out of the middle of an already complicated relationship.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Conversations.
In coming from a slightly dysfunctional family, I've had a lot of learning and growing to do. I've had to learn what "normal" is in relating to other people- including members of my family. It has not been easy, and I've made mistakes. But I am determined to do things the healthy and good way.
Something came up recently with my sister and it took me quite a bit of time to realize that her behavior was actually HELPING me define where a healthy boundary needed to be.
My sister is 17 months older than I. Growing up, she loved to argue, win, be right, and she rarely considered other people's feelings when she would do something. She was CONSTANTLY telling me to do things, and as soon as I would do them, she would sneak off to get my mom or dad to show them what kind of naughty thing I had gotten myself into. Needless to say- I was oblivious and I believed she was like me who would rather cut off my own toe than get someone else in trouble. I just took it. I have scars on both arms from the times she dug her nails into my skin just to win a fight. Keep in mind, although I was younger, I had a sturdier build and could have easily just popped her in the face and taken her out- but I didn't. I wanted her to like me. She wanted to win. We had some opposing motivating desires in that relationship.
Fast forward to kindergarten, and I was partnered with a girl who was highly manipulative. I was terrified of her. She somehow convinced me to steal a box of keys. I don't know how I managed to put them in my backpack without wetting my pants, but I did. I took them home and hid them in our house for Lord knows how long-terrified that someone would find them and I would be found out. The mean little girl used those keys as leverage every single day for the entirety of kindergarten- "if you don't do what I say, I'm going to tell Mrs. Howard you stole those keys." My pupils would dilate, I'd get all sweaty, and then I would comply. I can see a pattern here.
Fast forward to the college age version of myself, and I almost pass out during conflict. Like- serious tunnel vision. I remember a game of monopoly played with 3 first-born friends. All type-A, competitive. I don't remember what happened, I just remember the game was so intense that I quit- in tears. These same friends liked to play pranks on me- and did it often. I hated it because it made me feel like an outsider. I finally got so fed up I had to say something. Nevermind that I hid inside of my sweatshirt and that it took me an hour to get the words out. I finally told my good friend that I was tired of the pranks- I felt bullied and just wanted to feel like one of the group.
As a refresher- boundaries are very good things. Boundaries keep your neighbor from (hopefully) coming into your yard and taking a leak. Boundaries- when they are healthy and good, protect your treasures. Boundaries define what is me- and they define what is you. Well, when you come from a family where there are very muddy and hard to define boundaries, finding out where they actually are is work, and some trial and error. Sometimes people constantly bombard your boundaries and then you realize "oh! that's where my property line ACTUALLY needs to be". I have prayed for a long time "God, clarify my boundaries. Help me to see what is me, and what is them- help me to learn to respect those boundaries- both my own and theirs."
In regards to my relationship with my mother- I've spent a great deal of time trying to clarify my boundaries with my siblings. If you would have known me 2 years ago- you might not recognize me now. I owned my problems AND everyone elses. If someone was uncomfortable, I would go out of my way to fix it. Nevermind that they are manipulating or refusing to own their own responsibilities. Did you know that it is actually NO ONE'S job but your own to make you happy? I can apply this to my siblings when they try to make me feel guilty for things that are actually their responsibility.
What am I talking about? Well...two of my siblings have come to me on several occasions telling me to "fix" whatever is going on between mom and I. Neither of them have bothered to ask my side of the story, and both have been adamant that they don't want to be involved while simultaneously putting themselves in the middle. They have accused me of things that I haven't done. I continued to just let them- and then I realized what I was doing. By not speaking up for myself, I was just allowing this unhealthy dynamic of "let's not talk about anything REAL and pretend everyone is okay. k?"
I went back and forth- realizing that if I tell them how I feel- it may change nothing. They could continue to have horrible boundaries with my mother and blame me for it. Then, it occurred to me that I needed to say it for me.
So, I confronted my sister. Because I hate confrontation, I had notes written out so I wouldn't forget the most necessary parts of the conversation. I also told her I had notes in front of me. I pointed out to her that she had asked not to be in the middle, but was continuing to put herself there and gave her examples so that she would know what I was talking about. I told her it was inappropriate and hurtful for her to accuse me of things she had no evidence of, and that she hadn't even bothered to ask for my side of the story. Surprisingly- she apologized immediately. We talked some things through, and while I do not share her perspective, and she doesn't seem to understand or empathize with where I am coming from- I did what I was afraid of.
I understand that my family is feeling the weight of me being gone. They want me there because they miss me. I pointed out to my sister that I have made every effort to meet one on one with her as well as the other siblings- because they are all important to me. I explained to her that I was sorry and that aside from that, I didn't know what else I could do to make them feel better about the boundaries I have set. To me- the family gatherings are not pleasant- I told her this, and explained in as much detail as possible why it is I feel that way. Perhaps it will resonate with her.
I am happier and healthier than I have been in probably my entire life. I have peace. I sleep well at night without having nightmares and overwhelming anxiety. Because I have defended and protected my boundaries, I now have more energy to give to my husband and daughter and the other people God has put in my life. The odd thing about all these dealings with my siblings is that, if I WERE To go to family birthday's, and other events where my mother is, I would be the one compromising- not them. They lose nothing, while I would be sacrificing my soundness of mind, peace, comfort and sense of safety. It is not an equal trade. I can't do that for them. Is that wrong? I don't think so.
Something came up recently with my sister and it took me quite a bit of time to realize that her behavior was actually HELPING me define where a healthy boundary needed to be.
My sister is 17 months older than I. Growing up, she loved to argue, win, be right, and she rarely considered other people's feelings when she would do something. She was CONSTANTLY telling me to do things, and as soon as I would do them, she would sneak off to get my mom or dad to show them what kind of naughty thing I had gotten myself into. Needless to say- I was oblivious and I believed she was like me who would rather cut off my own toe than get someone else in trouble. I just took it. I have scars on both arms from the times she dug her nails into my skin just to win a fight. Keep in mind, although I was younger, I had a sturdier build and could have easily just popped her in the face and taken her out- but I didn't. I wanted her to like me. She wanted to win. We had some opposing motivating desires in that relationship.
Fast forward to kindergarten, and I was partnered with a girl who was highly manipulative. I was terrified of her. She somehow convinced me to steal a box of keys. I don't know how I managed to put them in my backpack without wetting my pants, but I did. I took them home and hid them in our house for Lord knows how long-terrified that someone would find them and I would be found out. The mean little girl used those keys as leverage every single day for the entirety of kindergarten- "if you don't do what I say, I'm going to tell Mrs. Howard you stole those keys." My pupils would dilate, I'd get all sweaty, and then I would comply. I can see a pattern here.
Fast forward to the college age version of myself, and I almost pass out during conflict. Like- serious tunnel vision. I remember a game of monopoly played with 3 first-born friends. All type-A, competitive. I don't remember what happened, I just remember the game was so intense that I quit- in tears. These same friends liked to play pranks on me- and did it often. I hated it because it made me feel like an outsider. I finally got so fed up I had to say something. Nevermind that I hid inside of my sweatshirt and that it took me an hour to get the words out. I finally told my good friend that I was tired of the pranks- I felt bullied and just wanted to feel like one of the group.
As a refresher- boundaries are very good things. Boundaries keep your neighbor from (hopefully) coming into your yard and taking a leak. Boundaries- when they are healthy and good, protect your treasures. Boundaries define what is me- and they define what is you. Well, when you come from a family where there are very muddy and hard to define boundaries, finding out where they actually are is work, and some trial and error. Sometimes people constantly bombard your boundaries and then you realize "oh! that's where my property line ACTUALLY needs to be". I have prayed for a long time "God, clarify my boundaries. Help me to see what is me, and what is them- help me to learn to respect those boundaries- both my own and theirs."
In regards to my relationship with my mother- I've spent a great deal of time trying to clarify my boundaries with my siblings. If you would have known me 2 years ago- you might not recognize me now. I owned my problems AND everyone elses. If someone was uncomfortable, I would go out of my way to fix it. Nevermind that they are manipulating or refusing to own their own responsibilities. Did you know that it is actually NO ONE'S job but your own to make you happy? I can apply this to my siblings when they try to make me feel guilty for things that are actually their responsibility.
What am I talking about? Well...two of my siblings have come to me on several occasions telling me to "fix" whatever is going on between mom and I. Neither of them have bothered to ask my side of the story, and both have been adamant that they don't want to be involved while simultaneously putting themselves in the middle. They have accused me of things that I haven't done. I continued to just let them- and then I realized what I was doing. By not speaking up for myself, I was just allowing this unhealthy dynamic of "let's not talk about anything REAL and pretend everyone is okay. k?"
I went back and forth- realizing that if I tell them how I feel- it may change nothing. They could continue to have horrible boundaries with my mother and blame me for it. Then, it occurred to me that I needed to say it for me.
So, I confronted my sister. Because I hate confrontation, I had notes written out so I wouldn't forget the most necessary parts of the conversation. I also told her I had notes in front of me. I pointed out to her that she had asked not to be in the middle, but was continuing to put herself there and gave her examples so that she would know what I was talking about. I told her it was inappropriate and hurtful for her to accuse me of things she had no evidence of, and that she hadn't even bothered to ask for my side of the story. Surprisingly- she apologized immediately. We talked some things through, and while I do not share her perspective, and she doesn't seem to understand or empathize with where I am coming from- I did what I was afraid of.
I understand that my family is feeling the weight of me being gone. They want me there because they miss me. I pointed out to my sister that I have made every effort to meet one on one with her as well as the other siblings- because they are all important to me. I explained to her that I was sorry and that aside from that, I didn't know what else I could do to make them feel better about the boundaries I have set. To me- the family gatherings are not pleasant- I told her this, and explained in as much detail as possible why it is I feel that way. Perhaps it will resonate with her.
I am happier and healthier than I have been in probably my entire life. I have peace. I sleep well at night without having nightmares and overwhelming anxiety. Because I have defended and protected my boundaries, I now have more energy to give to my husband and daughter and the other people God has put in my life. The odd thing about all these dealings with my siblings is that, if I WERE To go to family birthday's, and other events where my mother is, I would be the one compromising- not them. They lose nothing, while I would be sacrificing my soundness of mind, peace, comfort and sense of safety. It is not an equal trade. I can't do that for them. Is that wrong? I don't think so.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Worth fighting for.
Since my last post, not a whole lot has changed. My mother is trying to paint a picture of me that is false to the people that I love and feel safe with. It is extremely hurtful, but unfortunately not the first time she has done this. Somehow- I manage to forget that she does these things until it happens again, and Im forced to remember the very nature of my mother. It is also not uncommon among Borderline's to use this campaign of denigration (read about it here http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html?m=1) as a form of retaliation on the person whom she feels has abandoned her. If she can't get to me, than she will use others to get to me. And she will try to destroy relationships with those who are close to me in order to bring me down as well, either to harm me or to get me to come back to her. Even though I knew what my mother was doing in her latest email to my mother in law, and I knew she was wrong, it still hurt quite a bit that she is lying about me. She blatently lied to make me look bad, telling my MIL that I refuse to talk to my siblings and that she is "concerned" that I am mentally unstable... because according to her, me setting clear blundaries and sticking to them, indicates my mental instability. First of all- I do speak to my siblings. I engage them in conversations about their lives. I am genuinely interested in their daily lives. I do not, however, engage in triangulating conversations regarding my mother. and given the number of times my mother had received information from my siblings, I have chosen to be very careful what information I share with them.
At first, I felt helpless. I wanted to jump right back in the ring, defend myself and maybe theow a few punches. I felt angry, and I cried. My own mother is lying about me and exaggerating my past struggle with anxiety to paint a picture of mental instability. If I were to stand up and get in the ring with her and try to defend myself, she would only use that as evidence that I am mentally ill or unstable or emotionally explosive- as if showing strong emotion or setting clear boundaries indicates that? You see... borderlines are very good at making one look and feel crazy. they trap you into corners, and then mock you as you stand defenseless. You cannot win with a borderline, so the only way to "win" is to stay out of the game. My husband hates this. He wants me to jump in and knock her out. And as much as sometimes I would love to do that, I know that it will do no good.
I didn't know what to do with this new information. My own mother. Flesh and blood. Ouch. I gave myself time to let it sink in, and I didn't shut myself down when the anger came. I am learning that it passes much quicker if I don't suppress it. Mind you, I'm not raging, throwing things through walls or breaking mirrors...I'm simply feeling it. Anger is one of those emotions that is often shunned in church circles, but it is a God given emotion and is often useful for helping define personal boundaries. It also helps us to know when we need to move forward and confront something:
I imagine Jesus must have felt intensely angry for him to have been able to drive out sheep and oxen out single handedly, AND turn over the money changer's tables. The anger he felt led him to confront what was going on in God's house that was not ok. Anger is a God given emotion- but it is not to be used to harm others. This is where we have to pray, and perhaps get counsel on how to experience our anger in a way that will lead to healing, and then learn what to do with our anger. And- we cannot forget that Jesus was fully human. He was humanity in its best form. We cannot forget that when God made us, with our wide range of emotions and emotional expressions- he called his work GOOD. And a huge part of our redeeming and restoring process is to have healed emotions.
I woke up this morning in a funk. I wanted out of the process. A pity party may or may not have been thrown. I was not agreeing with God's plan on this- even though He has given me some insight as to what that plan is, and I have some idea as to what He is up to. I'm not loving the walking-it-out part at the moment- it hurts. Truth be told, I want my family to leave me alone. I want to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I don't know what else to say to them that would make them understand, and they don't really seem to be coming from a place where they want to understand me anyway, so what's the point? I had several moments where I didn't want to use my shield of faith and withstand the enemy- I wanted to give in to self pity. I didn't want to live up to my name "Strong and able." I wanted a break.
At some point, I have to be okay with the fact that I know that God has led me here- even when others accuse me. I know that I am in the right, and that God is for me in this. This is where the rubber meets the road. There will always be opposition when we make right choices- especially where the enemy is involved. He wants nothing more than for us to stop short of our inheritance in Christ. What is our inheritance then? This is a short list: We are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17), we are adopted and we can call God our father (Romans 8:15), we have a defender who stands between us and all false accusations- we do not need to defend ourselves (Isaiah 49:25). Accusation always comes from the enemy- by the way. Jesus stands in the gap between everything we have lost, all of our hurts and failures and makes a way for us to be whole.
This is part of the renewing of our minds- exchanging one thought for another thought. Out of fear and hyper-vigilence, I look around afraid of what will come next. Jesus tells us to look to him- the author and finisher of our faith. Not to look around and be afraid (Isaiah 41:10) because He promises to be our God. So, when the thoughts and fears come, I have to choose to hold God to his word, to not look around and be afraid or terrified. I might be angry, afraid, hurt, rejected- but He will do as he promised for me and YOU. For every problem, there is a provision. It is worth fighting for.
At first, I felt helpless. I wanted to jump right back in the ring, defend myself and maybe theow a few punches. I felt angry, and I cried. My own mother is lying about me and exaggerating my past struggle with anxiety to paint a picture of mental instability. If I were to stand up and get in the ring with her and try to defend myself, she would only use that as evidence that I am mentally ill or unstable or emotionally explosive- as if showing strong emotion or setting clear boundaries indicates that? You see... borderlines are very good at making one look and feel crazy. they trap you into corners, and then mock you as you stand defenseless. You cannot win with a borderline, so the only way to "win" is to stay out of the game. My husband hates this. He wants me to jump in and knock her out. And as much as sometimes I would love to do that, I know that it will do no good.
I didn't know what to do with this new information. My own mother. Flesh and blood. Ouch. I gave myself time to let it sink in, and I didn't shut myself down when the anger came. I am learning that it passes much quicker if I don't suppress it. Mind you, I'm not raging, throwing things through walls or breaking mirrors...I'm simply feeling it. Anger is one of those emotions that is often shunned in church circles, but it is a God given emotion and is often useful for helping define personal boundaries. It also helps us to know when we need to move forward and confront something:
John 2:13-17 "Now the Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up
to Jerusalem. 14 And He found in the temple those who sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers doing business. 15 When He had made a whip of cords, He drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the tables. 16 And He said to those who sold doves, “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” 17 Then His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for Your house has eaten[a] Me up.”[b
I imagine Jesus must have felt intensely angry for him to have been able to drive out sheep and oxen out single handedly, AND turn over the money changer's tables. The anger he felt led him to confront what was going on in God's house that was not ok. Anger is a God given emotion- but it is not to be used to harm others. This is where we have to pray, and perhaps get counsel on how to experience our anger in a way that will lead to healing, and then learn what to do with our anger. And- we cannot forget that Jesus was fully human. He was humanity in its best form. We cannot forget that when God made us, with our wide range of emotions and emotional expressions- he called his work GOOD. And a huge part of our redeeming and restoring process is to have healed emotions.
I woke up this morning in a funk. I wanted out of the process. A pity party may or may not have been thrown. I was not agreeing with God's plan on this- even though He has given me some insight as to what that plan is, and I have some idea as to what He is up to. I'm not loving the walking-it-out part at the moment- it hurts. Truth be told, I want my family to leave me alone. I want to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I don't know what else to say to them that would make them understand, and they don't really seem to be coming from a place where they want to understand me anyway, so what's the point? I had several moments where I didn't want to use my shield of faith and withstand the enemy- I wanted to give in to self pity. I didn't want to live up to my name "Strong and able." I wanted a break.
At some point, I have to be okay with the fact that I know that God has led me here- even when others accuse me. I know that I am in the right, and that God is for me in this. This is where the rubber meets the road. There will always be opposition when we make right choices- especially where the enemy is involved. He wants nothing more than for us to stop short of our inheritance in Christ. What is our inheritance then? This is a short list: We are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17), we are adopted and we can call God our father (Romans 8:15), we have a defender who stands between us and all false accusations- we do not need to defend ourselves (Isaiah 49:25). Accusation always comes from the enemy- by the way. Jesus stands in the gap between everything we have lost, all of our hurts and failures and makes a way for us to be whole.
This is part of the renewing of our minds- exchanging one thought for another thought. Out of fear and hyper-vigilence, I look around afraid of what will come next. Jesus tells us to look to him- the author and finisher of our faith. Not to look around and be afraid (Isaiah 41:10) because He promises to be our God. So, when the thoughts and fears come, I have to choose to hold God to his word, to not look around and be afraid or terrified. I might be angry, afraid, hurt, rejected- but He will do as he promised for me and YOU. For every problem, there is a provision. It is worth fighting for.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
She's at it again.
It's been a while since I've posted. As I've mentioned, I wrote a letter and explained in the kindest, most detailed way possible, that I am taking a break from my mother. Her behavior continues to be destructive, and I cannot grow and heal in that relationship with her. I knew when I made this decision that there was a very real possibility of an uprising of sorts from my siblings. I did not inform them that I was sending this letter, for several reasons. I knew they would eventually find out and I didn't want them getting any more involved than they already were.
I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.
Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook? I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:
I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.
Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook? I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:
Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. If someone rapes you, would you invite them over for christmas dinner? My guess is probably not. But would you be able to forgive them? If you chose to, then yes. To forgive someone means to release them from the debt they owe you, and to bless them. This is a process, not an event. It takes time and guidance to move through the emotions necessary to releasing an offender, ESPECIALLY if there is repeated offense. Reconciliation is dependent on both parties- forgiveness takes one party. Forgiveness is necessary for your own healing but does not mean that you will automatically reconcile. As in the case with my mother, she has continually shown me that she is not a healthy person, and she is not interested in entering into a mutually healthy relationship, therefore, reconciliation is not possible under those terms.
And then I did something I have needed to do for years: I spoke my truth. I asked my sister point blank "What in my actions has been unforgiving? Have I ever unleashed my rage upon my mother, tearing her down emotionally or speaking maliciously about her? Have I messaged her friends telling her how awful she is? Have I falsely accused her and lied about her behind her back? Not once. Never. I have never tried to retaliate for what she has done." Her response "I don't know what to say." Well, good. At least I got her thinking.
This issue between my mother has brought up some interesting dynamics. Dynamics that have probably always been there, they were just masked under other things. It seems that my siblings are experiencing the pressure that I have felt from my mom all these years now that I am not in the picture to absorb it, or take the brunt of it. It is obvious to me that they are held under some control she has over them- I know what that is because I was once in that place. I have one brother who is blaming me for the family falling apart. One sister who is in denial and is accusing me of things she has no evidence of. It is super painful. I don't even know what to do with how I feel right now. Everything I feared is happening. Which brings up a good question: knowing it would go this far, would I change my decision? No. I don't even have to think twice about this one. Why? For me, it comes down to what I can tolerate. I can tolerate, to some extent, being rejected for doing what I feel is right, being chosen over and ignored. I can deal with that. What I CANNOT tolerate is being lied to, being made to feel like I don't exist except to make a person happy, being talked down to and about behind my back. And all of this by my own mother...I won't say "yes" to that. So this pain-it is unfortunate. It is sad. I wish it didn't have to be. But it has only validated my decision.
Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html
Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html
Identity Crisis
I was raised, and we all are to some extent, believing lies about myself. Things that people say stick to us, and that old addage that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you", is a lie. Words are like arrows. They can pierce and destroy, or they can bring life.
I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.
I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.
Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us. David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.
In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.
When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.
It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.
What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.
The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.
I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.
I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.
Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us. David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.
In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.
When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.
It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.
What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.
The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Goodbye
I did it. I've spent the last 3-4 months praying, examining, praying, trying to muster up the courage to do what I felt I needed to do for this stage in the journey with my mother. I sent the letter. This is not the decision that every child has to make when they deal with their mentally ill parent, but it was the choice I felt was best for me and my family.
Up until now, I have not been so bold as to tell my mother the God's-honest truth about her treatment of me. One thing that Borderline's are really good at is shifting blame, and gas-lighting so that you feel like the crazy one for point out an issue. What is even worse is when an entire family system is still doing the "dance" as I like to call it. Dancing around the issues, sweeping things under the rug, living in denial as to what is really going on within the family and how those behaviors affect every single individual in the family. I stopped dancing, and it seems that other family members are struggling to know what to do with that. I feel for them in that regard.
I have not told my mom the truth because it took me a long time to learn what the truth was, and I was terrified of what she would do. I would freeze just thinking about telling my truth- "can I say that?" (insert awkward scary face here). Not to mention, the truth was extremely hard to face and I was afraid that I really would not be able to stand any more of her shenanigans if I did say something. The letter I sent was actually very kind. I focused only on how I feel about the relationship, and what I need from her should there ever be a relationship in the future. I was very specific about my needs because she has every right to continue living and NOT meeting any one of those needs, but if that is the case, we will not be in relationship. What needs am I talking about? Well, It has taken me two years of counseling to learn that it is actually a human need to feel safe, and it is okay to demand that someone be a safe person before continuing a relationship with them. I've spent so much of my life putting my needs on the alter and watching her set fire to them that I did not know there is a better way to live.
How is my mother not considered a safe person? Well, let me give you a few examples: She loves me and hates me, depending on her state of mind which usually has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with her mental illness. In one moment she will be publicly flattering me, and the next, subtly putting me down or making snide remarks about something she doesn't like about me. It is torturous to watch, and suffocating to be a part of. She does not seem to be aware of how her behavior affects others, nor does she seem to care. It saddens me to think how fragile her mind and emotions are now. I don't know what triggers her, but I can see the shift happen in her eyes- something changes and she goes from smothering to rejecting in a nano second. I personally got to the point where I emotionally could not play the game. And, you cannot leave a relationship without saying why. I now know that is unkind and cruel. She deserves to know the truth.
So, with the help of a friend and the oversight of my counselor, I began writing. At some point, I realized there was nothing more I could say, and nothing I wanted to take out. I know that I was led to make this decision, and at this point in my journey, this was the kindest thing I could do for her and our relationship, although she and others will likely disagree. I was shaking a bit when I put the letter in the mailbox. There is no going back now. We have a community mail box, so I would have to break a few federal laws to get that mail out. Needless to say, I did not break any federal laws and the letter was on it's way. Faces began pouring into my mind. I wondered if God would come through for me as He has promised. I wondered if I made the right choice, and what would happen when she gets this letter. I made a game plan of what I would do and say should those things happen because I tend to not be able to think straight when the poo hits the fan.
The boundaries are as follows: No contact. None. Until she is in some form of counseling, I won't even begin to entertain the thought of having a relationship with her. That means I won't get to attend family gatherings where she is present. This has been the hardest for me- even though it is my choice, I still feel like I'm the one paying the highest price. So, I will just have to be creative with how to spend time with other family members at different times.
She emailed me almost as soon as she received the letter, and I almost threw my phone across the room when I received it. She basically said that she would not be contacting me and that she didn't agree with how I felt about things. I was surprised there wasn't more of a backlash, but it was still early in the game so we would see what would happen. That evening, I started getting texts messages from one of my siblings whom mom had called multiple times, stating she was having a horrible panic attack and just couldn't understand why I would do this to her and that she was really hurt. That sibling then began to question what I had said and why I felt like now was a good time to send the letter. I briefly explained what I said, and explained that I know this is hard, but the letter is between mom and I, and mom shouldn't even be discussing that with that sibling. I told my sib that I was sorry that this relationship change would affect me going to family gatherings where mom is present, and that I had taken all of these things into consideration when making this decision.
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I am curious to see if my mom even takes the letter to heart and gets help for herself. After all, that was my other main goal- that she would see her need for healing her own wounds before considering reconciling the relationship.
I have hesitated bringing God up in this blog because the topic is dicey. People hear "Jesus" and they think "how can she cut her mother out of her life?" and "why doesn't she just suck it up and love her mother" (which is a topic that would take me far to long to write about in this post) and probably wonder why Jesus would allow me to walk away. I actually don't know why He has. Typically, when we read the bible, we read it as if it happened 2000 years ago, and as if God is not interested in speaking to us today. As if he is not interested in our decisions, plans or pains. He is only interested in teaching us lessons. At least that is how I used to read the word. No one human could tell me to leave my mother behind. I would not have believed them. In fact, several people did, told me it was time to get out and I was under so much fear and confusion, that I just couldn't do it and I definitely did not believe them.
Here's the thing about Jesus- He does not seek to control us, not in the slightest. He wont force us to do anything, and will gently lead us until we "get it". For some people this includes more pain than others. He speaks to us each differently, and when He does, it is very personal. For example, I often get scripture references that will pop in my mind that speak to directly where I am at. Sometimes I will get a picture and along with it an immediate understanding of what God wants to do in a given situation. But with this, it was a progressive and slow leading that finally brought me to a place where I realized I really only had one choice. And that choice was to stop playing the game which would inevitably leave me wounded and bitter, and place my mom back in the hands of the Father. He is the one who can heal her, love her and restore her, and me being involved in her life may be a hinderance to her feeling some necessary pain that would prompt her to get help. People will judge me for this, but at this point, I'm not sure how much I care about other people's opinions.
Up until now, I have not been so bold as to tell my mother the God's-honest truth about her treatment of me. One thing that Borderline's are really good at is shifting blame, and gas-lighting so that you feel like the crazy one for point out an issue. What is even worse is when an entire family system is still doing the "dance" as I like to call it. Dancing around the issues, sweeping things under the rug, living in denial as to what is really going on within the family and how those behaviors affect every single individual in the family. I stopped dancing, and it seems that other family members are struggling to know what to do with that. I feel for them in that regard.
I have not told my mom the truth because it took me a long time to learn what the truth was, and I was terrified of what she would do. I would freeze just thinking about telling my truth- "can I say that?" (insert awkward scary face here). Not to mention, the truth was extremely hard to face and I was afraid that I really would not be able to stand any more of her shenanigans if I did say something. The letter I sent was actually very kind. I focused only on how I feel about the relationship, and what I need from her should there ever be a relationship in the future. I was very specific about my needs because she has every right to continue living and NOT meeting any one of those needs, but if that is the case, we will not be in relationship. What needs am I talking about? Well, It has taken me two years of counseling to learn that it is actually a human need to feel safe, and it is okay to demand that someone be a safe person before continuing a relationship with them. I've spent so much of my life putting my needs on the alter and watching her set fire to them that I did not know there is a better way to live.
How is my mother not considered a safe person? Well, let me give you a few examples: She loves me and hates me, depending on her state of mind which usually has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with her mental illness. In one moment she will be publicly flattering me, and the next, subtly putting me down or making snide remarks about something she doesn't like about me. It is torturous to watch, and suffocating to be a part of. She does not seem to be aware of how her behavior affects others, nor does she seem to care. It saddens me to think how fragile her mind and emotions are now. I don't know what triggers her, but I can see the shift happen in her eyes- something changes and she goes from smothering to rejecting in a nano second. I personally got to the point where I emotionally could not play the game. And, you cannot leave a relationship without saying why. I now know that is unkind and cruel. She deserves to know the truth.
So, with the help of a friend and the oversight of my counselor, I began writing. At some point, I realized there was nothing more I could say, and nothing I wanted to take out. I know that I was led to make this decision, and at this point in my journey, this was the kindest thing I could do for her and our relationship, although she and others will likely disagree. I was shaking a bit when I put the letter in the mailbox. There is no going back now. We have a community mail box, so I would have to break a few federal laws to get that mail out. Needless to say, I did not break any federal laws and the letter was on it's way. Faces began pouring into my mind. I wondered if God would come through for me as He has promised. I wondered if I made the right choice, and what would happen when she gets this letter. I made a game plan of what I would do and say should those things happen because I tend to not be able to think straight when the poo hits the fan.
The boundaries are as follows: No contact. None. Until she is in some form of counseling, I won't even begin to entertain the thought of having a relationship with her. That means I won't get to attend family gatherings where she is present. This has been the hardest for me- even though it is my choice, I still feel like I'm the one paying the highest price. So, I will just have to be creative with how to spend time with other family members at different times.
She emailed me almost as soon as she received the letter, and I almost threw my phone across the room when I received it. She basically said that she would not be contacting me and that she didn't agree with how I felt about things. I was surprised there wasn't more of a backlash, but it was still early in the game so we would see what would happen. That evening, I started getting texts messages from one of my siblings whom mom had called multiple times, stating she was having a horrible panic attack and just couldn't understand why I would do this to her and that she was really hurt. That sibling then began to question what I had said and why I felt like now was a good time to send the letter. I briefly explained what I said, and explained that I know this is hard, but the letter is between mom and I, and mom shouldn't even be discussing that with that sibling. I told my sib that I was sorry that this relationship change would affect me going to family gatherings where mom is present, and that I had taken all of these things into consideration when making this decision.
It will be interesting to see how this goes. I am curious to see if my mom even takes the letter to heart and gets help for herself. After all, that was my other main goal- that she would see her need for healing her own wounds before considering reconciling the relationship.
I have hesitated bringing God up in this blog because the topic is dicey. People hear "Jesus" and they think "how can she cut her mother out of her life?" and "why doesn't she just suck it up and love her mother" (which is a topic that would take me far to long to write about in this post) and probably wonder why Jesus would allow me to walk away. I actually don't know why He has. Typically, when we read the bible, we read it as if it happened 2000 years ago, and as if God is not interested in speaking to us today. As if he is not interested in our decisions, plans or pains. He is only interested in teaching us lessons. At least that is how I used to read the word. No one human could tell me to leave my mother behind. I would not have believed them. In fact, several people did, told me it was time to get out and I was under so much fear and confusion, that I just couldn't do it and I definitely did not believe them.
Here's the thing about Jesus- He does not seek to control us, not in the slightest. He wont force us to do anything, and will gently lead us until we "get it". For some people this includes more pain than others. He speaks to us each differently, and when He does, it is very personal. For example, I often get scripture references that will pop in my mind that speak to directly where I am at. Sometimes I will get a picture and along with it an immediate understanding of what God wants to do in a given situation. But with this, it was a progressive and slow leading that finally brought me to a place where I realized I really only had one choice. And that choice was to stop playing the game which would inevitably leave me wounded and bitter, and place my mom back in the hands of the Father. He is the one who can heal her, love her and restore her, and me being involved in her life may be a hinderance to her feeling some necessary pain that would prompt her to get help. People will judge me for this, but at this point, I'm not sure how much I care about other people's opinions.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Good
It seems that as I go along, I find remnants of good things intermingled with the bad memories and I'm never quite sure what to do with them. Today, I found a picture of my mom hugging me when I was about 3 years old. She seemed to enjoy mothering at that time in her life, but it seemed that as I got older, those good memories became blurred as life became hard for my mother and she was taken away from us (emotionally) due to the demands of her life as well as her coping skills.
I am one of 4 children. I have one older sister, and two younger brothers. I behave much like a middle child, but also have some oldest and youngest traits because of where I fell in the line up. I was quiet, and would not ask for what I needed, especially from adults- I would always bribe my sister to do it for me. My parents both remarked that I was rarely the squeaky wheel and often my needs went unvoiced and therefore unmet. They also at one point acknowledged that I was probably the one that needed one on one attention the most because I was keenly sensitive to my environment, and to the needs of others. I know it was not their intention to neglect me emotionally. They both had crappy coping skills and a LOT of undealt with baggage and unfortunately that came out onto us and we bore the weight of much of that dysfunction.
One of the temptations in walking through this process, at least for me, is to ignore the fact that the person who wounded you ever did anything good or nice or loving or kind. I would guess that in most "normal" families where a parent is not mentally ill, they would be able to essentially chalk bad behavior up to a bad day or week at the most, and move on with their lives. Ideally, there would be some reconciliation or apology for how the parents behavior affected the child and they both would be able to move on. But for children of a Borderline Parent, or an alcoholic parent, or any other mental/emotional handicap for that matter, this is not the case. In my experience, most of my mother's behavior has been excused as "I had a lot of stress in my life", or "you know, your dad made it really hard for me to be a good wife/mom ", or worse "you make my life a living hell". A child would internalize that because what was heard was: "you are not worth my kindness or self control. I can't control myself when I'm angry and you just happened to be the closest thing I could take it out on- sorry. I do not have the strength to give love to you because my life is so hard. You make my life hard because you need me too much. Your needs are too much" Continue this pattern over any number of years and these become ingrained beliefs that shape how we think about ourselves and our behavior follows suit.
Now, I can only speak for myself in this, but I would venture to guess that I am not the only one who has experienced a depth of confusion due to this bazaar polarity in behavior. I have tender memories with my mom. I remember her making me a night gown with matching slippers for when I had my tonsils out. I remember once a friend in my elementary school class told me she was being hit by her mother, and my mom did some calling around to find out if this was true. I was really scared of getting in trouble and my mom winked at me- I remember FEELING protected. I remember her writing really sweet valentines day cards, and making really nice cookies with me. I remember her lying next to me and stroking my hair during a particularly awful time in my life. I know there are more, but I'm not sure what to do with them because it seems that they lost their meaning once the bad stuff happened. The sweet memories got washed away in a river of painful experiences.
So, I cannot deny that my mother did good things for me, and I have chosen to be grateful for those things instead of pretending like they never happened. Those things will serve me well and will be tools that I can use in how I relate to my children. Unfortunately, she is not that sweet, kind and loving person anymore, and I cannot base my relationship with her now on who she was 20 years ago. I must grieve who she was and move on to the now.
Anyway, I started reading "Parenting from the Inside Out". It is a book written for parents who did not get their needs met as children, and now to gain understanding and insight into yourself so that you can be reparented and appropriately parent your own children. I'm loving it so far, but it is difficult to read and think about. One thing that I have learned about myself is that no matter how much I want to be the perfect parent, I won't be. I have a steep learning curve in front of me and I pray there is enormous grace for me in it. I am doing everything I can to take responsibility for my own life, emotions, needs so that those things are not unfairly placed on my children.
Note to readers: I do not speak highly enough of my Father God. He has been abundantly generous to me. The road has been hard, painful and at times more than I could bear. It felt unfair that I was the one paying for all the damage that was done and not spoken about for generations, but I had to change my perspective. I have had numerous pity parties, all of which He joined me for but promptly encouraged me to leave. This is not about what they did or didn't do (although it is necessary to work through those things), it is about what I want out of life and what I will and will not allow to continue in me or through me. It is about seeing God as my helper, ally, redeemer and healer. Everything I need, He already has promised to be for me. He delivers completely and is willing to go 100 times farther than I am. Every thing my heart has cried out for has actually been the cry of His since the day I was born, but it was a process to attaining those things.
Sure, I could sit and blame them. I could point fingers. I could name names and believe me, this was necessary for a season for me to tattle on the ones who hurt me. It was essential for me to learn that God cared about my hurt, about the lies, about those who stick up for evil. I needed to know that God is a million times better than any earthly Father could be, and he is a fierce protector of His kids. But there comes a point where you have to turn from the hurt to the healer, or we will never be free. Everything evil that has ever been done to me- I say evil because we know who the author of everything bad is, and he is evil- does not compare to everything good the Father has stored up for me.
I say all of this to say- continue the process that God started in you- He is the author and perfecter of your faith, he is the one who completes what he started in you. Philippians 3:12-13 "Not that I have already attained or am already perfect, but I press on that I may lay hold of that for which Christ laid hold of me. I do not count myself to have apprehended, but one thing I do: Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching towards those things which are ahead..."
Monday, April 15, 2013
Gardening
I've been thinking lately of my life as a garden. I spent a lot of months, probably even more than a year thinking "if I just do this, then maybe I'll grow faster. If I could just figure out the magic formula, then I would be healed by now." However, through this journey, I have been given treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places. I would not give those treasures up if my life depended on it. They were not always "given" the easy way, and sometimes I did not want to receive them at all, but nonetheless, they are tremendously valuable to me.
Accepting that life is a process, not an event, has drastically changed my pace and perspective. I give myself time to rest- and I give myself lots of it. I'm not nearly as grumpy. I can relax at the end of the day because I know that God is working in me, leading me on, helping me to learn through the daily events of my life. He knows I'm anxious to see the end and what the view will be like from wherever that is, but I find that as I've given up the "when will I get there?" mentality, I am experiencing much more of Him in the now, and it is healing my heart.
Several years ago, some months after my dad had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and my mom's bad behavior was just starting to get the better of me, the Lord showed me a picture during my devotions. It was a picture of Jesus, and he was just going to town on a garden, ripping out weeds like nobody's business- and he was JOYFUL about His work. I had an understanding that He was about to do some serious work on my "garden", although I didn't know what that would look like, or how dreadful the process would be.
It was just shortly after then that I began to fall apart, piece by piece, until everything comfortable and solid in my life was just gone. Well, not completely, but pretty darn close. It was an ugly and very uncomfortable, broken season of my life- one that I pray I never have to endure again. However, God was doing something profound and was dredging up some nasty weeds that would continue to choke the life out of anything good that wanted to grow there if not removed.
If I were to be honest, I would say that for the last few years I've been ashamed of the shape my garden is in. I don't want people to know how broken I've been. I'm afraid to show them that my garden has no living plants growing in it. I'm afraid they'll think I'm a heathen or something ridiculous like that. But, it's not my fault that my garden is empty- I just allowed the gardener to do what He wanted, and before I knew it, I looked out on a barren, tilled up ground with a big ole pile of weeds at the end just waiting to decompose.
I was thinking how often we judge others without knowing what is really going on in their lives. I'm sure if people judged my garden by the flowers, I'd come up pretty short of any awards. Someday, there will be a beautiful garden, it just wont be today. Does that diminish the value of unplotted soil? I don't think so. The preparation taken in planting and weeding and watering the garden will determine how big and beautiful that garden becomes.
So, don't hate the process- relax in it. God is in the process. And don't judge other people's gardens. If God has not made you privy to their process, then just pray and love them through it- but don't judge. You don't know what the gardener has planned for them ; )
Accepting that life is a process, not an event, has drastically changed my pace and perspective. I give myself time to rest- and I give myself lots of it. I'm not nearly as grumpy. I can relax at the end of the day because I know that God is working in me, leading me on, helping me to learn through the daily events of my life. He knows I'm anxious to see the end and what the view will be like from wherever that is, but I find that as I've given up the "when will I get there?" mentality, I am experiencing much more of Him in the now, and it is healing my heart.
Several years ago, some months after my dad had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and my mom's bad behavior was just starting to get the better of me, the Lord showed me a picture during my devotions. It was a picture of Jesus, and he was just going to town on a garden, ripping out weeds like nobody's business- and he was JOYFUL about His work. I had an understanding that He was about to do some serious work on my "garden", although I didn't know what that would look like, or how dreadful the process would be.
It was just shortly after then that I began to fall apart, piece by piece, until everything comfortable and solid in my life was just gone. Well, not completely, but pretty darn close. It was an ugly and very uncomfortable, broken season of my life- one that I pray I never have to endure again. However, God was doing something profound and was dredging up some nasty weeds that would continue to choke the life out of anything good that wanted to grow there if not removed.
If I were to be honest, I would say that for the last few years I've been ashamed of the shape my garden is in. I don't want people to know how broken I've been. I'm afraid to show them that my garden has no living plants growing in it. I'm afraid they'll think I'm a heathen or something ridiculous like that. But, it's not my fault that my garden is empty- I just allowed the gardener to do what He wanted, and before I knew it, I looked out on a barren, tilled up ground with a big ole pile of weeds at the end just waiting to decompose.
I was thinking how often we judge others without knowing what is really going on in their lives. I'm sure if people judged my garden by the flowers, I'd come up pretty short of any awards. Someday, there will be a beautiful garden, it just wont be today. Does that diminish the value of unplotted soil? I don't think so. The preparation taken in planting and weeding and watering the garden will determine how big and beautiful that garden becomes.
So, don't hate the process- relax in it. God is in the process. And don't judge other people's gardens. If God has not made you privy to their process, then just pray and love them through it- but don't judge. You don't know what the gardener has planned for them ; )
Friday, April 12, 2013
Insecurity
Insecurity may be the feeling that I loathe the most. Why? Because it makes people do stupid things. Things that they would otherwise, on a good day, month, or year, never do. I've struggled with a lot of things over the course of the last few years, not the least of which is insecurity. I've been exposed in a lot of ways because the healing process requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can bring correction as well as praise. This has been my season of correction. Not necessarily because I've done anything wrong, per se, but there are certain thought patterns, defense mechanisms and coping skills that are being exposed and they are not adequate for living as a healthy adult. It is first of all painful, but most importantly humbling and healing.
Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."
To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess. He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating.
I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to.
I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met. Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees.
I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on, and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to.
So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere.
I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing.
What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.
So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound.
Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."
To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess. He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating.
I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to.
I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met. Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees.
I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on, and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to.
So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere.
I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing.
What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.
So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Pleasant Places
It's been an interesting few weeks. I've had an odd sense of peace about something I've never been able to really fully consider, much less NOT be anxious about. The mother I've adopted as my own used to say "You'll know it's right because you'll have peace about it." The only problem is, I didn't have peace about the things other people would normally have peace about. I have struggled with fear most of my life, I still do, although the more intimately I know Jesus, the more that fear fades...Anyway, back to my point. I truly had no real grasp of what she meant by that.
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
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