As I've mentioned before, this miscarriage has been a lot tougher to recover from than the first. I've been caught off guard many times by how deeply invested I was in this pregnancy. Of course, I had about 6 ultrasounds in a 5 week period of time so I got to see the little guy move and grow much more frequently than any previous pregnancy due to the bleeding.
I have a tendency to repress or suppress emotions as a habit, but over the last 3 years in counseling and learning to process many events from my past, I've learned that there is value in the process. It is unpleasant, painful and incredibly hard to do sometimes. But I know that if I don't process it now, I'll pay for it later.
I had a dear, close friend call me the other day and tell me she is pregnant with their third child. I was not prepared at all for how sad this would make me feel. Of course, I am so happy for her! But I am sad for me. It would have been fun to be pregnant with a friend. It brought to the surface the fact that I would be finding out the sex of the baby right about now, and gosh darn it, I still just want to be pregnant! I had to keep moving with my day because I have a preschooler to raise and I can't just fall apart in front of her. I saved my tears for later and just let myself feel it all. I ugly cried and it felt good. The memories of laboring with babies I would never get to love on, and watch grow to be amazing and frustrating creatures. Letting that life slip from me because I had no other choice but to let them go. Ugh. I didn't know that one could grieve like this over something so "small".
I have a strong sense that this most recent baby was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt it from the start. And I'm really mad at myself for not examining to see if my suspicion was true at the moment of delivery. The pathology report didn't list whether it was female or male and that bother's me.
I think one of the more frustrating things about miscarriage is the sense that what you experienced isn't real because no one talks about it. No one mentions it unless you bring it up that you lost a child in that way and then they are quick to chime in and let you know that they are part of the illusive miscarriage club too. I think, in general, grief is something that is minimized, poorly understood and looked down upon in our culture. You're expected to behave as normal in spite of what you've just been through, be it the loss of a child, spouse, friend...and it's not healthy. We are human. We will experience a wide range of emotions and feelings while grieving. It won't last forever. What if instead of assuming that we should feel or be a certain way, we focused instead on processing WELL.
How does one process well? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is one has to feel safe enough to feel frightening emotions like anger, sadness, immense pain. And some of us can't do that alone. I am now at a place where I have learned how to comfort myself, and I've learned when it's okay to reach out for comfort from others. The second thing would be that you need to have a strong support system. Even if it's just two solid, strong support people. They will help you to have a sense of groundedness when you feel like the bottom just fell out from underneath you. The third thing- at least for me- is to give yourself time and space. Don't rush things. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to be in any other season but the one I'm in- where so many people around me are popping out babies like its nobody's business and it feels like everyone is moving forward and you're stuck at the train station.Not only that, people ask questions- that are well meaning-but cause pain, such as: "Arent you guys ready for number 2 yet?"...I can't help but bow my head in sorrow..."yes...of COURSE I'm ready for number 2. I've BEEN ready for number 2."
This verse has been etched in my heart and has become my prayer for this season: Habakkuk 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds's feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering or responsibility]!.." Even if, God forbid, I should never have another child, my prayer is that my HEART would remain full. That I would be able to make progress upon MY high places which right now happen to be painful and troublesome.
There is always hope in the middle of loss and chaos- even when it doesn't feel like it. We just keep moving, one foot at a time, one moment and day at a time. I'm choosing to live more purposefully on a daily basis so that I don't miss the GOOD there is in each day that I'm left waiting.
