Walking away is incredibly hard- and at the same time, I feel a huge burden lifted. I feel as if I've been dragging this lead weight around with me for years- maybe my entire life- and I finally get to let it go. I've tried for almost two years to patch things up with my mom, working hard on myself, my heart, my anger, resentment, bitterness, and expectations. To be honest, it's kind of disappointing that this is where the road has led. It's as if I've hit a construction zone- I cannot travel down that road with her, it's time to take a detour. Leave it behind.
Leaving it behind may seem easy- and maybe it is. But for me it means a lot of things. It means I'm no longer allowed to defend myself to those who won't or choose not to understand. It means I lose my reputation in their eyes. It means she could some day blame me for not trying harder or for giving up too soon. It also means a whole lot of good things: I get to move on from a tumultuous relationship that did much more harm than good. It means I am free to walk in emotional health and freedom. It means I am no longer a slave to her emotions. So, it is good. I have breathing room- and I feel safer here. I feel like I can move about with out wondering when she is going to lose it on me again.
A few things that are leaving as I let go- this fear that God is just waiting to punish me. That was projected from my relationship with my mom. You can never win and you never know when she will ignore you or criticize. I finally realized upon reading of God's heart towards me (or any of His children), that this is not his intention for me. He and I want the same thing. This freedom I am being offered is something He died to give me. It was never in His heart or mind that I be manipulated, controlled, emotionally damaged or afraid- because perfect love casts out all fear. With God, we are always safe, we can always trust His intentions towards us because He is good in all that He does. So, I can trust that since it is not in God's character to lie, manipulate, belittle, control or embarrass, than my cry for freedom is something He desperately wants for me. So that I can experience Him in a way I never have.
It is kind of humorous. All the things that once controlled me- fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of man...all of those things are breaking off- PRAISE THE LORD. I used to make my moves based on her actions and responses. I am now learning to make my moves based on my needs, desires and what I know is right. I follow God and God alone, and I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.
Several people have pointed out that I am doing the most loving and kind thing I can for her- loving her WITHIN boundaries. I love her by not allowing her to get away with unhealthy and unsavory behavior.It has taken me some time to digest and feel like that is right. But, isn't this how God loves us? Isn't this how we are called to parent and love our children? God gives us very natural consequences for our actions. His love for us never fades, but we will reap what we sow. We love our kids by doing the same- giving them natural consequences for their actions because ultimately we want them to have a solid character where they can function in society but have a good moral backbone. This was my mother's parents responsibility to instill that in her and nip it in the bud, and then her husbands- it should never fall on the children to re-parent their parents.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Letting Go
It has been an awful few weeks. Will this ever end? I think this won't truly be "over" unless my mom is miraculously healed or she leaves the earth. She is who she is, after all. Who am I to change her?
About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.
After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.
Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.
I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.
I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.
So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.
About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.
After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.
Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.
I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.
I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.
So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.
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