I don't even know for sure what that statement/slogan means, but regardless, it fits my life right now...DRAMA and MAMA.
I've been doing some serious reevaluating of my relationship with my mother. It has been a hellish process, with way too many ups and downs to count, and a whole lot of circling the same mountain. A journey I wish I didn't have to go on, but nonetheless, we are here.
As you know, I started out on this journey of trying to reconcile my relationship with my mother about 2 years ago- out of complete naivete, but pure motives. I wanted a relationship with her, but I didn't realize how difficult that would be- to forget and forgive the past. I didn't fully understand that reconciliation and the bringing of peace requires that both parties actually want peace and healing. If one doesn't want peace, it's like dragging a 2 ton truck behind you by your teeth... it just isn't going to work. I have to accept her limitations and decision to only go so far in this and move on.
There have been some successes, although what I now consider success is completely different than what I used to consider success. I used to think of success in this situation as having the perfect mother-daughter relationship. Now, my view of success is not giving in to the manipulation and crying and threats and backlash that come with me speaking from my heart. Granted, I still have to call my friends before and after pretty much each encounter with my mom, but I'm still holding ground!!
So, what caused me to make this decision? Well...about a hundred conversations about the same thing that brought no change. It's like I'm talking in words and all she hears is "wah wah, wah wah, wa wa wa wah." I just plain got worn out! For reasons I do not understand, no matter how hard I try, what language I use, different phrasing, different surroundings, email, phone, or in person, we just cannot get on the same page! My husband told me "no more...we've been dealing with this long enough. I'm tired of seeing your so sad and broken over this!" That's where I drew the line. One minute she would send me an email saying how much she loves me and thinks I'm a wonderful person and would do anything to have a relationship with me, and the next, she is ignoring my texts, telling me to stop blaming her and listing off her faults (which has never been done), and intolerant of any kind of REAL communication. What I mean by real communication is speaking clearly, knowing what I mean to say and saying exactly what I mean. She just doesn't seem to be able to handle the truth very well. And by truth, all I'm talking about is saying "mom, it hurts my feelings when you belittle me"...her response would be vastly out of proportion- something like "Well, I'm tired of getting emails about all my failures from you." Um....
Someone suggested that maybe she has some sort of personality disorder. I never really allowed myself to think this because I didn't want to put her in a box, but I think too I wasn't ready to let go of what I cannot change. So, I did some research and found some pretty dead on descriptions of her behavior- and perhaps for the first time, I was able to see this situation almost as an outsider...this is NOT normal. Not necessarily a mental illness, per se, but definitely bizarre and dysfunctional. Crap. Now what am I supposed to do? Doesn't Jesus say to love your enemies? Bless those who curse you? Do good to those who persecute you? Hand over your right cheek when they've just slapped your left? Absolutely...but I guarantee you, lying, manipulation, gossip, a spirit of control, etc are not of God. He does not want us to to submit to any authority (especially negative!) other than what He ordains and orchestrates. The word also says not to deliver an angry man when he is out of line, or he will surely do it again. It also says bad company corrupts good character. For some reason, at this time, she does not seem to be able to see outside of herself and view the perspective of others, and not able to offer compassion or empathy for the fact that whether she meant to or not, she has caused a great deal of pain.
So, with a lot of prayer and outside counsel, I finally realized it was time to let go...move on. Take the time to heal up-really heal up. As one of my friends put it, if your burn your hand and keep putting it over the fire, you will never heal! You have to remove your hand from the flame and then it can heal fully. Duh. Why is it taking me so stinking long to GET IT?! Because it's hard. It's not a normal situation and it's ugly. That's why.
Is it possible that by stepping back and giving distance I could actually be saving myself from falling into the same sin?From becoming so hard hearted that I actually CANT love her? From wanting to reittaliate for all the stuff she has knowingly and unknowingly put me through? Yes...I can forgive much more easily when she isn't constantly reoffending. Sometimes when you pray and pray and pray for the grace to come onto a situation, and it just never does, it's time to MOVE ON. Forgive them, pray for them and bless them and then move on! Not that God doesn't give us grace, but maybe He is directing it somewhere where it will actually bear fruit!
I haven't talked to her in almost a week, and the more time I spend away from her, the better I feel. I feel like I'm not walking around bound up in fear over what she will think if I say such and such, or what her next retaliation move will be. This is not to say there will be distance forever, but that I'm not planning on having any more discussions or conversations about our relationship. I will see her occasionally (most likely with someone else present), and we will pray about when to move in closer.
I realize to people who don't understand the situation or all that it entails, it looks selfish, unkind, and ungodly. I however, I firmly believe that God wants us to have healthy, thriving relationships with people. And I also believe it's wisdom to limit contact with people who are negative and just in general suck the life out of you.
I do pray for her continued release from her past and the things that led her to behave and hurt as she does. It makes me incredibly sad to think of the heartache that has taken root to bitterness and some kind of evil in her heart. I may never fully understand what and how and why, but I still pray that God will lead her to her healing.
