I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...
My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.
I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.
When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.
To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.
Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?
Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that. And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good! He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.
One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.
I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on
For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.
