I found myself the other day walking around, feeling ashamed of the pain I feel. Ashamed of my wounds. Ashamed that I have been hurt. You see, over the last 5 years, it became more and more apparent that my voice didn't matter. My pain didn't matter. My view or perspective didn't matter. I didn't matter. My voice was silenced over and over again as I cried out in pain at the hands of my mother. No one listened. The people who were witnessing how poorly she treated me, ignoring me for months, glaring at me from across the room, calling me incessantly to remind me how life is really all about her- none of them stood up for me. I was singled out and only one validated my experience behind closed doors. My only job or role was to please my mother, and in doing so, everyone else would be happy. Well, I've stepped out of that role. I am not making my mother happy, and I can only guess that she is probably shifting all of her hatred, rage and pressure onto my siblings- and who do you think they blame? Me. Ugh. I spoke up, and I was punished for it. I was exiled, removed from my family- the ones who should know me better than to believe her lies, the ones who should be able to see the good in me. Yet, they can't…and I can guess why they can't, but I won't go into that today.
Back to the other day. It dawned on me that if my child were hurting, if someone beat her up, left her bloody, bruised, and covered in mud that I would RUN to her. And I would want her to run to me for comfort and healing. I would not be ashamed of her "mess" or her wounds. All of a sudden- it clicked. God wants the very same for me. He is not ashamed of me because of what others have done to me, but I still need to be cleaned off. I still need to have my wounds tended to. I still need to rest in order to heal. I can look at my wounds the same way that he does- without condemnation or judgement, and with arms that are filled with compassion.
Wounds do not heal quickly especially the wounds that damaged our identities and left us walking poorly. But, we have a God who saves to the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25), a God who is completely intentional with us, and he will bring to perfection that which He started (Philippians 1:6). My hope is in God's intentionality and commitment towards me- not in my ability or lack thereof. He is a kind and loving father who has gone to the ends of the earth to save me. He will do the same for you!
Friday, February 28, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Acceptance
I've been thinking about the idea of acceptance for a while now, probably because I'm struggling to grasp it, struggling to come to terms with several hardships that have come upon my life. I used to think of acceptance as only the final stage of grief, but as I'm learning- grief is cyclical and you can bounce around from denial to anger to bargaining, back to denial, and somehow land in acceptance. This doesn't have to take weeks or months, you can spin around in the grief cycle in one day. In my terms, acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of your situation (whatever that may be- death, loss, unemployment, WAITING…) and accepting it for what it is at this very moment.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Just in case you ever wonder...
I find it mildly humerus (in the pull-your-hair- out and cry kind of way) that literally every single time I wonder if my mother has changed, or if I've made the right choice or what have you...she comes out of the wood work and exposes herself and what she's really up to. I feel that God must allow these frequent exposures as a way of confirming to me that I indeed made the right choice, and no- it is not safe for me to return to that relationship.
My mother sent a gift recently. I specifically asked for no gifts, no forms of contact during take a break mode. Has she complied with any of that? no. She has contacted me at least 12 times in the form of phone calls, texts, emails, letters and gifts. She has even upped her game by contacting friends and family suggesting that I am mentally unstable! Oy...Anyway, she sent a gift. I reinforced the boundary by sending the gift back as if to say "mom, this is a reminder- no gifts." What is my punishment for this crime? The campaign of denigration and distortion. What lovely form of punishment is this, you ask? Well...let me see if I can describe it.
"One of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is the vilification campaign. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator Borderline conducts the vilification. The intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, doctors, teachers, therapists, and others. The intent may even be to force the target to leave the community, put the target in prison, or even kill the target. As with so many things involving Borderlines and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, there really are no limits. They will use basically any means available to them to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others (including their children!) to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign." (http://angiemedia.com/2008/12/29/bpd-distortion-campaigns/#.Uu7NOval0ZQ)
So, to be specific- my mother called my friend at his office, and his wife at their home. Thankfully, my friend's secretary punted the call and he never called her back. His wife, however, was not so lucky. She forgot to check the caller ID and before she knew it, she was speaking with my mother. She recognized her voice immediately and began trying to get off the phone, but my mom being the lovely lady she is (sense sarcasm here!), pushed right through that and began the distortion campaign. I didn't even have to hear the whole thing- I knew exactly how this would play out, as it has happened numerous times before. My mother began to tell said friend how hurt she is, and how desperate she is to get me back, how she has done EVERYTHING to restore the relationship and just doesn't know what to do. She then began to insinuate that I am mentally unstable and that she is really "concerned" about my "behavior"...The behavior she is speaking of is me setting boundaries that feel the most comfortable and safe to me, and sticking to them. Dear friend shut it down in the most polite way, saying that indeed she was aware of the situation, that she was sorry, but understood that there was much hurt being experienced by all, but that I was in a healthy place, making good decisions, and working the process. This wasn't going to be fixed overnight, so she needed to do what I had requested and NOT contact me. In my opinion, she handled things very well. I knew that my mother would not likely stop at that, and when dear friend didn't give her the affirmation she was looking for, my mother resorted to her next tactic "I just am so sad I want to kill myself. I have nothing to live for anymore..." and on and on she went about that.
A few things I would like to point out- she is misleading and telling half truths all over the place. She refuses to acknowledge that any of this is BECAUSE of her destructive behavior and her refusal to get help. She doesn't say any of that in this phone call. By saying all these things, I begin to look like the mean, evil, crazy one because "what kind of daughter would cause so much pain?".
The denigration campaign or villification campaign is something Borderline's use to garner sympathy and rally others to their side. This is something used publicly, while they tend to use gaslighting in private to get the person in relationship with them to doubt their intuition, feelings, perceptions, etc. If you were raised by a Borderline, you can imagine the kind of effect this would have on one's psychological development over many years.
What is gaslighting?
My mother sent a gift recently. I specifically asked for no gifts, no forms of contact during take a break mode. Has she complied with any of that? no. She has contacted me at least 12 times in the form of phone calls, texts, emails, letters and gifts. She has even upped her game by contacting friends and family suggesting that I am mentally unstable! Oy...Anyway, she sent a gift. I reinforced the boundary by sending the gift back as if to say "mom, this is a reminder- no gifts." What is my punishment for this crime? The campaign of denigration and distortion. What lovely form of punishment is this, you ask? Well...let me see if I can describe it.
"One of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is the vilification campaign. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator Borderline conducts the vilification. The intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, doctors, teachers, therapists, and others. The intent may even be to force the target to leave the community, put the target in prison, or even kill the target. As with so many things involving Borderlines and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, there really are no limits. They will use basically any means available to them to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others (including their children!) to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign." (http://angiemedia.com/2008/12/29/bpd-distortion-campaigns/#.Uu7NOval0ZQ)
So, to be specific- my mother called my friend at his office, and his wife at their home. Thankfully, my friend's secretary punted the call and he never called her back. His wife, however, was not so lucky. She forgot to check the caller ID and before she knew it, she was speaking with my mother. She recognized her voice immediately and began trying to get off the phone, but my mom being the lovely lady she is (sense sarcasm here!), pushed right through that and began the distortion campaign. I didn't even have to hear the whole thing- I knew exactly how this would play out, as it has happened numerous times before. My mother began to tell said friend how hurt she is, and how desperate she is to get me back, how she has done EVERYTHING to restore the relationship and just doesn't know what to do. She then began to insinuate that I am mentally unstable and that she is really "concerned" about my "behavior"...The behavior she is speaking of is me setting boundaries that feel the most comfortable and safe to me, and sticking to them. Dear friend shut it down in the most polite way, saying that indeed she was aware of the situation, that she was sorry, but understood that there was much hurt being experienced by all, but that I was in a healthy place, making good decisions, and working the process. This wasn't going to be fixed overnight, so she needed to do what I had requested and NOT contact me. In my opinion, she handled things very well. I knew that my mother would not likely stop at that, and when dear friend didn't give her the affirmation she was looking for, my mother resorted to her next tactic "I just am so sad I want to kill myself. I have nothing to live for anymore..." and on and on she went about that.
A few things I would like to point out- she is misleading and telling half truths all over the place. She refuses to acknowledge that any of this is BECAUSE of her destructive behavior and her refusal to get help. She doesn't say any of that in this phone call. By saying all these things, I begin to look like the mean, evil, crazy one because "what kind of daughter would cause so much pain?".
The denigration campaign or villification campaign is something Borderline's use to garner sympathy and rally others to their side. This is something used publicly, while they tend to use gaslighting in private to get the person in relationship with them to doubt their intuition, feelings, perceptions, etc. If you were raised by a Borderline, you can imagine the kind of effect this would have on one's psychological development over many years.
What is gaslighting?
"Gaslighting is the denial that certain
events occurred or that certain things were said when you know
differently and the denial of your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Gaslighting is one of the most sinister, sadistic, horrible, and
effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can
make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If perceptions of reality
are constantly denied, and above all denied by your mother (the person
you admire the most and think is omniscient), the result is very
confusing and destructive. So how did the term gaslighting
come to fruition? The phrase comes from the 1940's film "Gaslight", in
which an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house. Then, when
his wife questions if the lights have been dimmed, he responds that
she's imagining the dimming. The husband is driving the wife crazy,
literally, by not validating the wife's reality." (http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html)
So how would this look in a real time conversation: I have a perfect example. When I was 8 years old, my mother grabbed me by the hair and spray painted my entire head white. She did this in a fit of rage over me getting a quarter-sized dab of paint on the garage floor. My 5 year old brother was watching the whole even take place. Fast forward 20 years or so, and we were making jokes about how "crazy" mom gets when mad, my mother walked in the room at that point of the conversation, and my younger brother asked my mom if she remembered doing that to me. Her reply? "No, I would never do something like that." There are a lot of reasons for this supposed loss of memory- one is that there really is a loss of memory for most borderlines due to the damage that cortisol does to their memory center, and because cortisol is DUMPING during a fit of rage, they likely really do not remember the incident. The other is that they simply cannot imagine doing bad things, and so when they do something bad, they cannot internalize that they were capable of such harm (because of their lack of sense of self). Either way- because they deny an event, the true victim (me in this situation) is left feeling crazy and begins to mistrust their own memory, conscience and intuition.
One of the main reasons I believe they use these two incredibly damaging tactics is because the BPD individual must preserve her view as perfect, and one of the ways she will try to solidify that position is by smearing me in public. a(http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html).
At this point, I've stopped asking "why me, God? Why did I get to have this kind of mom? Why couldn't I have had a normal healthy mom who doesn't make my life a living hell?" I've stopped asking because it doesn't change my reality. My reality is the same, my circumstances haven't really changed and it doesn't help me to think that way. Is it hard? yes. I have a really hard time accepting that God will always likely be using this one thing in my life to grow me, and shape me- and I can celebrate that he is good and he WILL work ALL things for good. I have a hard time accepting that I can't change it, I cant make her get help, I can't force her to seek healing. I can't help that I am constantly bumping into opinions that people have about why I left and why I choose to stay out, and that it's painful to be judged by other people and made to feel responsible for the mental health of my entire family. I often wonder, if people began replacing the mental illness factor with a drug or alcohol addiction- would they apply the same judgment? Probably not...food for thought.
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