Where to begin. I have mentioned how I have virtually not had a mother since before my first daughter was born, when the relationship took a turn for irreparable. Somehow, the birth of my second daughter after my mothers death really drove home how much I needed that and just simply would not have it. The thing is, I don't have the privilege of looking back on memories of my mother and seeing a very nurturing, loving figure that enables me in my own mothering. Not that she was NEVER nurturing- I am thankful for the memories that I do have of that I can emulate, but for the most part- I look back and see someone that I never wanted to be like. Motherhood is by far the hardest job, and in the absence of a model, it's even harder! It's like my brain is looking for a template to follow, but there is none- at least not in her. And I need one. I'm incredibly grateful for the women God has deposited in my path along the way that have been role models for me, allowed me to see a different way of parenting that I could pattern myself after. So...I guess I do have a template of sorts after all!
Ill be honest and say one of the hardest things for me to do when waves of grief and pain come washing over me is to choose thankfulness. Thankfulness for what I DO have and what God has provided for me. I don't ever deny myself a good cry or heartfelt/angry conversation with God, but sometimes I forget to follow it up with thankfulness. When I get really stuck, I often have to stop and ask Holy Spirit to help me to see and remember all God has done so that I don't lose heart. There are no replacements for deceased loved ones- no matter what the status or health of the relationship. It is painful. One of THE hardest things for me to accept has been that there are no shortcuts to healing. You cannot somehow skip over the pain and end up on the other side. It has to be embraced and incorporated into our lives in order to really fully heal. Jesus never said that we wouldn't suffer, rather that we WOULD suffer, but He will comfort us. He will mourn with us. Psalm 116 says "precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." It is no small thing to him when we lose loved ones. Some of us may suffer greatly. He is well acquainted with suffering. He is present. He never leaves us. These things I know that I know that I know to be true- but can sometimes forget in a moment of pain.
I was having a particularly tough day in this regard and went to church. Angry that he doesn't send me more "motherly" replacements, angry that it's not easier. Angry angry angry! During worship, I was just talking to God about my feelings. Pouring it out- I know he can handle it. I know he can handle me perceiving that he isn't providing for me in the way that I thought he would or what have you. I asked him to help me shift my perspective and without fail, an older woman comes up to me, gave me a big hug and just poured in to my heart exactly what I needed to hear "God sees you. you are a great servant, wife and mother! You do all these things well." I couldn't help but weep. I needed a little "motherly" input in that moment. So, I'm learning to grieve- to take those moments as they come and run like mad to God.
Ill be honest and say one of the hardest things for me to do when waves of grief and pain come washing over me is to choose thankfulness. Thankfulness for what I DO have and what God has provided for me. I don't ever deny myself a good cry or heartfelt/angry conversation with God, but sometimes I forget to follow it up with thankfulness. When I get really stuck, I often have to stop and ask Holy Spirit to help me to see and remember all God has done so that I don't lose heart. There are no replacements for deceased loved ones- no matter what the status or health of the relationship. It is painful. One of THE hardest things for me to accept has been that there are no shortcuts to healing. You cannot somehow skip over the pain and end up on the other side. It has to be embraced and incorporated into our lives in order to really fully heal. Jesus never said that we wouldn't suffer, rather that we WOULD suffer, but He will comfort us. He will mourn with us. Psalm 116 says "precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." It is no small thing to him when we lose loved ones. Some of us may suffer greatly. He is well acquainted with suffering. He is present. He never leaves us. These things I know that I know that I know to be true- but can sometimes forget in a moment of pain.
I was having a particularly tough day in this regard and went to church. Angry that he doesn't send me more "motherly" replacements, angry that it's not easier. Angry angry angry! During worship, I was just talking to God about my feelings. Pouring it out- I know he can handle it. I know he can handle me perceiving that he isn't providing for me in the way that I thought he would or what have you. I asked him to help me shift my perspective and without fail, an older woman comes up to me, gave me a big hug and just poured in to my heart exactly what I needed to hear "God sees you. you are a great servant, wife and mother! You do all these things well." I couldn't help but weep. I needed a little "motherly" input in that moment. So, I'm learning to grieve- to take those moments as they come and run like mad to God.
The other big thing- It's been almost a year since the "friend situation". I can look back with a lot more clarity now. For one thing, I'm not pregnant, and I'm not in shock of losing my mother and trying to cope with all of that. I see how much I hated myself then, how insecure I was. How much I just wanted to be accepted and loved. I realize now how much what we believe about ourselves determines the types of relationships we will be attracted to and continue to pursue until we begin to think differently. We will put up with behavior that we shouldn't. We won't stand up for ourselves because what is worth standing up for? I was looking for approval from others- but I never really approved of myself. I was looking for love from others, but I never really loved myself. Not deeply, anyway. I wasn't comfortable with having needs, so I pretended not to need anything. This leads to a huge lack of stability within relationships because my behavior was often dependent on how others were behaving instead of BEING myself and having healthy boundaries. So, I'm slowly getting there- replacing anxiety with confidence in who I am, and striving to be the best me possible.
When we love ourselves, and LIKE ourselves, when we can love ourselves while owning our flaws, when we begin to be confident in who we are, what we bring to relationships and to the world, it's a much less scary place! I know now that if someone doesn't like me, oh well. I'll find people who do- if not now, then eventually. I'll find people who can hear my story and not impulsively shower me with judgement or shame- which surprisingly (or not), happens to me more frequently than one might imagine. I read a quote "when you like your decisions, you couldn't care less if anyone agrees." I'm finding that to be true. And when we see ourselves as God sees us, we begin to act accordingly, and we begin to attract the RIGHT kind of friends.
