Worth fighting for.

Since my last post, not a whole lot has changed. My mother is trying to paint a picture of me that is false to the people that I love and feel safe with. It is extremely hurtful, but unfortunately not the first time she has done this. Somehow- I manage to forget that she does these things until it happens again, and Im forced to remember the very nature of my mother. It is also not uncommon among Borderline's to use this campaign of denigration (read about it here http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html?m=1)  as a form of retaliation on the person whom she feels has abandoned her. If she can't get to me, than she will use others to get to me. And she will try to destroy relationships with those who are close to me in order to bring me down as well, either to harm me or to get me to come back to her. Even though I knew what my mother was doing in her latest email to my mother in law, and I knew she was wrong, it still hurt quite a bit that she is lying about me. She blatently lied to make me look bad, telling my MIL that I refuse to talk to my siblings and that she is "concerned" that I  am mentally unstable... because according to her, me setting clear blundaries and sticking to them, indicates my mental instability. First of all- I do speak to my siblings. I engage them in conversations about their lives.  I am genuinely interested in their daily lives. I do not, however, engage in triangulating conversations regarding my mother. and given the number of times my mother had received information from my siblings, I have chosen to be very careful what information I share with them.

At first, I felt helpless. I wanted to jump right back in the ring, defend myself and maybe theow a few punches. I felt angry, and I cried. My own mother is lying about me and exaggerating my past struggle with anxiety to paint a picture of mental instability. If I were to stand up and get in the ring with her and try to defend myself, she would only use that as evidence that I am mentally ill or unstable or emotionally explosive- as if showing strong emotion or setting clear boundaries indicates that? You see... borderlines are very good at making one look and feel crazy. they trap you into corners, and then mock you as you stand defenseless. You cannot win with a borderline, so the only way to "win" is to stay out of the game. My husband hates this. He wants me to jump in and knock her out. And as much as sometimes I would love to do that, I know that it will do no good.

I didn't know what to do with this new information. My own mother. Flesh and blood. Ouch. I gave myself time to let it sink in, and I didn't shut myself down when the anger came. I am learning that it passes much quicker if I don't suppress it. Mind you, I'm not raging, throwing things through walls or breaking mirrors...I'm simply feeling it. Anger is one of those emotions that is often shunned in church circles, but it is a God given emotion and is often useful for helping define personal boundaries. It also helps us to know when we need to move forward and confront something:

       John 2:13-17 "Now the Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up   

     to Jerusalem. ¹⁴ And He found in the temple those who sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers doing business. ¹⁵ When He had made a whip of cords, He drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the tables. ¹⁶ And He said to those who sold doves, “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” ¹⁷ Then His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for Your house has eaten^[a] Me up.”^[b

I imagine Jesus must have felt intensely angry for him to have been able to drive out sheep and oxen out single handedly, AND turn over the money changer's tables. The anger he felt led him to confront what was going on in God's house that was not ok. Anger is a God given emotion- but it is not to be used to harm others. This is where we have to pray, and perhaps get counsel on how to experience our anger in a way that will lead to healing, and then learn what to do with our anger. And- we cannot forget that Jesus was fully human. He was humanity in its best form. We cannot forget that when God made us, with our wide range of emotions and emotional expressions- he called his work GOOD. And a huge  part of our redeeming and restoring process is  to have healed emotions. 

I woke up this morning in a funk. I wanted out of the process. A pity party may or may not have been thrown.  I was not agreeing with God's plan on this- even though He has given me some insight as to what that plan is, and I have some idea as to what He is up to.  I'm not loving the walking-it-out part at the moment- it hurts. Truth be told, I want my family to leave me alone. I want to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" I don't know what else to say to them that would make them understand, and they don't really seem to be coming from a place where they want to understand me anyway, so what's the point? I had several moments where I didn't want to use my shield of faith and withstand the enemy- I wanted to give in to self pity. I didn't want to live up to my name "Strong and able." I wanted a break. 

At some point, I have to be okay with the fact that I know that God has led me here- even when others accuse me. I know that I am in the right, and that God is for me in this. This is where the rubber meets the road. There will always be opposition when we make right choices- especially where the enemy is involved. He wants nothing more than for us to stop short of our inheritance in Christ. What is our inheritance then? This is a short list: We are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17),  we are adopted and we can call God our father (Romans 8:15), we have a defender who stands between us and all false accusations- we do not need to defend ourselves (Isaiah 49:25). Accusation always comes from the enemy- by the way. Jesus stands in the gap between everything we have lost, all of our hurts and failures and makes a way for us to be whole. 

This is part of the renewing of our minds- exchanging one thought for another thought. Out of fear and hyper-vigilence, I look around afraid of what will come next. Jesus tells us to look to him- the author and finisher of our faith. Not to look around and be afraid (Isaiah 41:10) because He promises to be our God. So, when the thoughts and fears come, I have to choose to hold God to his word, to not look around and be afraid or terrified. I might be angry, afraid, hurt, rejected- but He will do as he promised for me and YOU. For every problem, there is a provision. It is worth fighting for. 

She's at it again.

It's been a while since I've posted. As I've mentioned, I wrote a letter and explained in the kindest, most detailed way possible, that I am taking a break from my mother. Her behavior continues to be destructive, and I cannot grow and heal in that relationship with her. I knew when I made this decision that there was a very real possibility of an uprising of sorts from my siblings. I did not inform them that I was sending this letter, for several reasons. I knew they would eventually find out and I didn't want them getting any more involved than they already were.

I did hear from my sister right away, as she had heard from my mom who was only claiming how hurt she was by the letter and how mean I am being. My sister wanted to read the letter and I told her "no. This is between mom and I. Just know that I was as kind as possible, but this is something I needed to do for me." I could tell this didn't settle well with my sister, but I didn't feel it was my job to make her feel ok about a decision that really had nothing to do with her. You see, my mom has this amazing way of sucking people in, lying to them, and getting them to believe she is the victim. She then sends said people on arrends to accuse and harass me.

Nothing happened for a while, then, out of the blue, I got the dreaded facebook message from my mom "Why won't you let me see you? Why are we not friends on Facebook?  I want to see your daughter. I don't understand how this jives with your post on forgiveness yesterday." I ignored this, because she knows she is not supposed to contact me. Well, low and behold. I got a message from my sister "did you unfriend mom from Facebook?" My body then took over. I began shaking and crying. Why? I really don't know. I told her, kindly, that yes, I did unfriend mom. We are not in a relationship and it is time that people accept that this is the reality of mom and my relationship- there is none. And there will not be until she gets the help she needs. And then she dropped the true meaning behind her asking "It's just that you posted this long thing on forgiveness, but your actions speak otherwise." My first reaction was anger. It was clear that she had been talking to my mom, although when I asked her, she said she had not. Or perhaps it was a coincidence. I took the opportunity I had been praying for and told her what forgiveness REALLY means:

       Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. If someone rapes you, would you invite   them over for christmas dinner? My guess is probably not. But would you be able to forgive them? If you chose to, then yes. To forgive someone means to release them from the debt they owe you, and to bless them. This is a process, not an event. It takes time and guidance to move through the emotions necessary to releasing an offender, ESPECIALLY if there is repeated offense. Reconciliation is dependent on both parties- forgiveness takes one party. Forgiveness is necessary for your own healing but does not mean that you will automatically reconcile. As in the case with my mother, she has continually shown me that she is not a healthy person, and she is not interested in entering into a mutually healthy relationship, therefore, reconciliation is not possible under those terms. 

And then I did something I have needed to do for years: I spoke my truth. I asked my sister point blank "What in my actions has been unforgiving? Have I ever unleashed my rage upon my mother, tearing her down emotionally or speaking maliciously about her? Have I messaged her friends telling her how awful she is? Have I falsely accused her and lied about her behind her back? Not once. Never. I have never tried to retaliate for what she has done." Her response "I don't know what to say." Well, good. At least I got her thinking. 

This issue between my mother has brought up some interesting dynamics. Dynamics that have probably always been there, they were just masked under other things. It seems that my siblings are experiencing the pressure that I have felt from my mom all these years now that I am not in the picture to absorb it, or take the brunt of it. It is obvious to me that they are held under some control she has over them- I know what that is because I was once in that place. I have one brother who is blaming me for the family falling apart. One sister who is in denial and is accusing me of things she has no evidence of. It is super painful. I don't even know what to do with how I feel right now. Everything I feared is happening. Which brings up a good question: knowing it would go this far, would I change my decision? No. I don't even have to think twice about this one. Why? For me, it comes down to what I can tolerate. I can tolerate, to some extent, being rejected for doing what I feel is right, being chosen over and ignored. I can deal with that. What I CANNOT tolerate is being lied to, being made to feel like I don't exist except to make a person happy, being talked down to and about behind my back. And all of this by my own mother...I won't say "yes" to that. So this pain-it is unfortunate. It is sad. I wish it didn't have to be. But it has only validated my decision.

Oh...and now she is emailing my mother in law, trying to paint a bad picture of me...this is what is called the campaign of denigration...you can read up on that here:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/borderline-mother-and-gaslighting.html

Identity Crisis

I was raised, and we all are to some extent, believing lies about myself. Things that people say stick to us, and that old addage that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you", is a lie. Words are like arrows. They can pierce and destroy, or they can bring life.

I've spent the majority of my young life confused, anxious, afraid and discouraged. I didn't want to be any of these things. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to grow and thrive and heal, but I thought the good life was meant for pastor's kids, or people who are spiritually gifted, or to those who came from good families. I came from a dysfunctional family, so clearly, my calling didn't exist. That's what I thought anyway.

I went on a missions trip to Romania with my church, and the very first night, a girl I barely knew prophesied over me "God is going to show you who you are apart from your family." I was blown away. It was shortly after that when scripture started to stand out like God had highlighted it for me. He just kept bring the same scripture to mind, over and over and over again. All I could do was weep. Did He really mean it? I want to be what this scriptures says...but how do I get there? Will He really help me? I remember feeling really angry because if His word was true, then I had been lied to my entire life.

Wounds, when left untreated, fester. They do not heal on their own. I have learned the hard way, although it was not my fault, that repressing memories or stuffing emotions will make you sick, if not physically than at the least, emotionally. The wound must be exposed to a few safe people, but at the very least, to God. Some Christians do not like the icky stuff. They can't handle the truth of our pain and our experience. They may be offended by how our pain manifests itself (anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, self hatred) because those things are "ungodly", but they don't realize that by labeling those emotions as ungodly, they have shamed the natural healing process, which is meant to purge and restore, and have left those who are simply expressing their hurt in a pile of confusion and have only added to their shame. You will notice when you read the bible, God doesn't seem to make a big deal about emotions except for when they are ruling us.  David was venting all the time, as were most of the prophets. He doesn't say not to be angry, but when you are angry, do not sin. This means that we are to have a good grasp on our emotions so that they don't hurt other people. This might mean that part of the healing process is to learn how to experience emotions in a healthy way so that they bring life instead of causing sickness. I am free to be angry, but I am not free to take my anger out on others.

In regards to my mom, what has hurt me the most has been being lied about behind my back, her questioning my sanity and blaming me for blowing things out of proportion. Not once has she validated my experience. Instead, she has said things like "well, things always bothered you more than others" or "I get that you PERCEIVED things that way, but nobody else feels the way you do. You're being too sensitive." She then went on to ask what "my problem" is and what kind of counselor I'm seeing, because they obviously are feeding me lies about my own experience.

When one is surrounded by these kind of invalidations on a daily basis, they learn to question their own sanity. They do not trust their feelings or their instincts. They don't know that they can say no and much less, that IF they say no, it ought to be respected. When her tactics stopped working, my mother began turning to others to paint a bad picture of me. She is still doing this and she is now contacting people I know and trust, asking them if I have essentially lost my mind. And though I tried to pretend it doesn't bother me- it does. The truth is, it hurts me in ways I don't even know how to process. Intellectually, I may know what to think about it, but my heart is greatly confused and in pain.

It is a crisis of identity. Essentially, it is a form of bullying and is incredibly harmful and destructive. One  cannot behave that way and expect the relationship to remain intact. How do these wounds heal? Well, we must come in contact with a truth that is greater than our experience. My mother and father's actions left deep impressions upon me. I learned to attribute their actions to my self worth. It would go something like this "mom is shaming me, therefore, I must really be a disgrace. I must really be worthless." As a child, you have no other option than to believe your parents because it would be intolerable for a child to be able to grasp that the parent was not being loving, or protective, and more than likely it would not be allowed for the child to express their feelings of injustice. Now, I am able to understand that my parent's actions were not loving, kind or even what I deserved. I am able to understand a little bit about what was motivating them at the time and so then I can learn that their actions had so little to do with me.

What is the truth, then? Well, there are many truths that would apply here, but the list would look something like this:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of being protected.
3. I have the right to say no and have that request honored.
3. I have the right to feel safe in my relationships.
4. I have the right to tell a parent how I feel and be comforted.
5. I was created for a purpose.
6. I deserve to heal.

The list gets longer as I go along this journey, because I realize now, that God himself has an opinion about what happened to me.