Shifting Gears

I wish I were more like a new stick shift car- I could just shift gears quickly, without any jolting or twitching...but no. I seem to be more like a ship, when once the rudder is turned, takes a good while and distance before any of that distance is seen. Does that make sense?

What am I talking about? Well...I do not talk to my mother. The purpose of setting boundaries was to protect myself. But now, it's to move from surviving to really living in the space those boundaries provide for me and my family. What good are boundaries if I'm constantly thinking about the past, numbed and panicked by different situations? What good are they if I'm really not present- enjoying the things God has given me in exchange for my losses?

Gah. This process is so much harder than I thought. So much messier than I want it to be. I hate it. Honestly. But what choice do I have but to work through it? I suffer if I do, and I suffer if I don't. I'd rather have a nicely tilled and watered garden out of this in the end than a mess of overgrown weeds that suffocate the life out of me.

I'm hesitant to share some details, because half the time I can't make sense out of it. Recently- as in the last few months or so- I've despised myself. I've despised everything about me that reminded me of my mother. A certain smile, laugh, gesture, phrase, etc. I was driving myself MAD. Every time I would hear that voice, or see a glimmer of her in me, I felt as if I were being rubbed up against a cheese grater. So what did I do? Not the healthy thing, that's for sure. I tried to be the opposite of her. Ignored certain things I enjoyed that were inherited from her, etc. Well, that doesn't really work. I was born of her. I am who I am in some ways because of her (good and bad). I look like her in some ways and I cannot change that.

Let me explain this a little better. It isn't because I want her to be all bad. It's not that she has nothing good to offer. The good memories I have are good! They warm my heart. But there are certain facial expressions, laughs, gestures, etc that are painful. They remind me of being mocked, punished, and shamed. So how in the Lords sweet name am I supposed to overcome this??

Well, lets back up and understand a few things about the brain. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) was designed in such a way that when in danger three things could happen: fight, flight or freeze. If there is enough time, and energy, then one would fight. If not, then one would flee. If neither fight nor flight are options, then the victim freezes. The brain stores the littlest details of the incident (or incidents) such as sights, smells, lighting, sounds, etc for a specific reason: there is something about that event that was threatening, and your brain wants you to remember that for future reference. Major bummer for those trying to get over traumatic events. It's also helpful to understand that it is what the victim perceives as threatening that creates these responses. For example, what a child perceives as threatening or scary would not be the same as what an adult perceives as threatening. One need not be raped or shot at to have somewhat of a PTSD response.

This is kind of a relief because no matter how hard I try, there are certain facial expressions, memories that will give me a kind of visceral response. It really has little to do with forgiveness and a whole lot more to do with defense mechanisms and stored memories.

But, back to what I was saying about hating myself. Jesus says that we are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. As a new friend informed me- It is implied within that verse that we love ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have. So, how can we love others if we do not have love for ourselves? We will be pouring out of an empty cup.

My prayer for the last several months has been this: God- open my eyes to the love you have for me. Help me to see myself as YOU see me, and then to see others as you see them. Help me to know who I am apart from my mother and even to love those things about myself that are like her." He has been FAITHFUL. But His love has been coming in, shaping and changing the way I see Him and the way I see myself. I know in turn this will change how I view others.

And then I go back to square one. It was God who knit me in my mother's womb. It was her DNA, sure, but the soul- the personality- is created by God alone. This can be tricky- because we truly are shaped by our environments. Our relationships with our parents are fundamental to our development. That being said, a huge part of our restoration will likely involve some pretty big overhauls. It involves exposing truth to some areas that have been steeped in lies. Some of those restorations include tearing up foundations and it will appear that you are going backwards instead of forwards- but it is necessary! As a friend so kindly pointed out- God has a lot invested in  our freedom, in our being who He created us to be. The moment we were separated Him by sin, He was already planning our rescue and redemption.

I imagine my daughter going to elementary or middle school and being picked on. If, God forbid, her sweet personality should take that in and take it personally, or become broken and wounded because of it- I would do ANYTHING to bring her back to being herself again. If I, though I am evil desire to do such things, how much MORE my Father in Heaven?

Have you ever read "You Are Special" by Max Lucado? If not...then do! It's an amazing book about the love God has for us. It's a children's book, but I get teary every time I read it. Let it sink in. Let it expose the "untruths" in you that are causing you to believe you are worthless and insignificant.

God is FOR you. In EVERYTHING you are facing- even turmoil within yourself. He is FOR you!

So, I'm shifting gears. I'm leaving the past behind me, and choosing to focus on all the good God has given me today. I will probably back track a few times, but that's to be expected : )

They know not what they do.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this one, I suppose if I really thought of it, I could get pretty upset, but thanks to a new friend, I'm learning to look at this through a different filter. A young lady and her two children have moved in with my mom temporarily. I really know no details since my mother and I are not talking. However, I felt that similar bitter taste in my mouth when I heard. I felt that same pang of rejection- I am being replaced. I didn't meet her needs so she is looking to someone else. I have allowed myself the necessary grief of feeling the feelings: I'm not good enough for her love, I'm certainly not worth fighting to keep. I was too much and not enough all at the same time. I have to feel it and get it out otherwise it festers. Once I let that out, then I realize that is not true of me. Also, I'm the one who chose to separate from her because of her toxic behavior and her uncanny ability to bring me down faster than anything I've ever known.

My mother is not well. She doesn't think and process things normally. This doesn't make her less of a person, nor does it make her invaluable. This makes her a wounded person who is just trying to get her needs met. I am coming to a place slowly and hopefully for good, where I realize everything she ever did or said that negatively affected me wasn't even about me. It certainly wasn't for me, but had little to do with me at all. I've heard a phrase that says something like "how people treat you says more about who they are than who you are." So, for example, if someone belittles you, mocks you, rejects you- it shows more about their character than your value. But it's taken me a bit of work to realize that how my mother views me is inaccurate and based on faulty information.

This is what I have learned: a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (or anything along that spectrum) operates mainly out of shame and fear. Fear of rejection, and shame at perceived rejection. It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" complex. They manipulate out of a desperate need to feel in control, and often have no idea they are being manipulative.They cannot own their own negative actions and behaviors because that would mean that they are bad, and since they cannot handle that information, they rewrite history so that they are perceived in a much better light. This is where narcissism comes in too- grandiosity of thinking. Thinking that they are greater than they are so they don't have to face the reality of the things they have done that have caused pain. This is a very simplistic description, obviously, there is way more I could write about this but I'm trying to keep it simple.

I cannot trust my mother. I don't think that I ever will. What I want and what I have in front of me are two very different things. What I want is a mom who I can trust, who I can share my secrets with, who I can LAUGH with and cry with. Short of a miracle, this is not going to happen and I have to let that rest on the alter. What I have is a mother who does not know what she has done. She does not value me as a person, because someone who values another person cares about their feelings, cares about earning back their trust, and has a respect of other people's boundaries even if they don't like them.

A conversation with my mother would go like this
Mom: "Why don't you want to be around me?"
Me: " Because I cannot trust you. You hurt me"
Mom: "Well you hurt me to. I don't trust you either. You're being selfish. Why are you always rejecting me?"

A healthy parent would understand their responsibility and role as the parent to reestablish trust and would say "I'm sorry. Can you be more specific as to how I lost your trust and what I can do to earn it back." Which then sends the message "Your feelings are important to me. I love and value you."

All relationships are built on trust, so without trust, where can we go? I realize this post seems perhaps lacking in compassion, but it's really not. I care deeply for my mother. I want her to experience wholeness and joy just like God intends for her. And I know that as her loving Father, He will take care of her as only He can do. It was a burden I was never meant to carry in the first place, so now I am leaving her in His hands, along with the remnants of the relationship. I am willing to do whatever He asks of me, and right now, He has asked me to lay it down. Until He tells me to pursue it again, it's not happening! And I'm okay with that.