Well- it feels a little bit like a roller coaster over here. I just finished reading "Stormie"- a book written by a woman who was abused by her mentally ill mother and how she came to forgive her and be restored. Granted, my story is not that bad- but I learned something valuable. She helped me to understand why my mom was the way she was. In her heart, I know she didn't mean to hurt us, but nonetheless she did. Understanding WHY helped me to grasp that there was nothing wrong with me- it was all her.
So, we went to lunch the other day. Just her, myself and my daughter. This is a big deal- as I would almost never ordinarily go out of my way to be alone with my mother. But I prayed before hand, asking God to go before me as He always does. And He did! Big surprise : ) I felt peace about it and I wasn't anxious about meeting her (this is huge!)
Anyway, so I felt okay with asking her about her relationship with her mother- what kind of abuse did she suffer? What had she done to her? I figure maybe I can better understand why she is the way she is, and maybe I can learn something about myself here too. She shared that indeed it was mostly neglect- and that in general, she felt like her mother didn't like her. She didn't ever remember happy memories with her mother. She said "My mom's actions and words did to me what mine did to you." I am still shocked that she is admitting these things and talking candidly about them. For so long- aka my entire life- she has been defending herself. I just nodded as she continued.
She knows that she has anxiety because of the neglect and abuse. As I explained before, we know that neglect damages the brain through a hormone called cortisol. I have no doubt that this left her prone to anxiety, depression and a constant state of rage. Understanding this has diffused some huge fears that I had about mental illness, anxiety and depression. My whole life I had been told that anxiety ran in our family so I better "watch out!"! What a load of crap. ABUSE runs in our family, leading to anxiety and depression. It is not of some organic cause. This diffused huge, long time fears that I carried in myself of becoming mentally ill, or of my children having anxiety disorders and the like.
I asked her if she knew how wounded she was when she got married and she replied that she had no idea. She knew she always felt "abnormal", but didn't know until my littlest brother was born (I was 8), how extensive the damage was. At this time, she had a complete nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. She proceeded to tell me that she thought she could somehow make a life out of what she created in her mind without realizing she had none of the necessary tools to do it. Much less, she married someone who had a whole slew of dysfunctions, exposing some of her deepest fears and insecurities, creating even more chaos in the home.
I then asked her what caused her to change her mind, as every time I would try and state my case, she would deny my feelings, tell me that I was wrong, that I was judgemental, critical, etc. She said that she realized it didn't matter anymore if she was right...she knew she hurt me, and she then came to realize that everything I had said was true. Let me repeat that "Everything you said was true." Wow. I still don't have words for this. I feel like for the first time I don't have to second guess my perception, or my analysis of things- her confirming how I felt somehow released a confidence that I am okay. It also diffused some anger. When a parent makes you feel bad about yourself, blames you for "making their life a living hell" as she would often say, or just in general doesn't love you, it leaves a deep-seated sense of worthlessness in WHO YOU ARE...not just a part of you, but all of who you are somehow becomes "bad". It is a terrible way to live.
It is slowly becoming easier and easier to put away the anger. I have been praying for the last two years SOLID for God to expose the truth to her, to cause any misguided thinking to be made right. I prayed for restored relationship- but I never actually thought I would see it. I have been praying for God to restore her heart and her life, and I have no doubt that my dad's death spurned a huge turnaround in her. I truly thought I would take this pain with me to the grave. The pain of not having a mother to love you, but instead belittles and mocks you. Not having a mother to share your pregnancies with, the joys and troubles of life with. At other family's parties, I would envy the mother and daughter relationships where there was warmth, laughter and enjoyment of their company. I would leave with a deep sadness and realization of what I never had but always longed for. But we serve a good God. Not only has he put other women in my life to help heal that wound but I believe He is now restoring the relationship with my own mother. His ways are higher than mine- asking me to forgive not only healed my heart, but I believe it is healing hers. ONLY God can do something so cool. Only God.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Going back to go forwards
Feels so counterproductive to me...moving backwards in order to move forwards. I understand that one can spend too much time "surveying the ruins" as it were, and I pray to God I don't stay here. But it is a necessary part of the healing process, understanding the past in order to move forward in the present. I never allowed myself to feel the pain, the hurt, frustration and ANGER, and now it is time. As I think I mentioned before, I have been studying attachment so to better understand how to meet my own daughter's needs, and I found while I was doing that an understanding of my mother and myself came up.
My mother was neglected and abused as a child. I don't know all of the details, but I can see now how this changed her brain function and influenced her actions We now know that cortisol, while it helps us in dangerous situations, can damage and even destroy those precious developing neurons- yikes! This is why the "cry it out" sleep solution is not recommended, because cortisol is released when babies cry. They NEED to be reassured that everything is going to be okay otherwise they literally develop a sense of hopelessness and despair, leaving them prone to anxiety in the future because those neurons are damaged.
I get angry sometimes that when she knew something was wrong- when she felt it in herself that "she" was not ok- that she didn't do anything about it and continued on her way, leave chaos and pain in her path. Although I understand why she did the things she did and have a better understanding of her actions, I don't understand why she never got help. I know that the enemy had her believing lies- that she was worthless, that she was a victim to her past and therefore this was just the way she would live her life.
I learned how to be really good at hiding my emotions- I learned how to shut off my facial expressions so that I didn't show my displeasure at her actions, or my pain at the hurtful things she would say. I buried it deep inside until I became a ball of tangled emotions, fear and rage. When emotions would rise up, I didn't know what to do with them because it was never really "okay" to have them, and certainly if they made my mother feel bad about her actions or behavior, it was not okay to share them. To her it meant that she was a failure or that I was "better" than her if I showed any dislike over things she said or did. She felt that I was judging her constantly, when I was simply so sad at her outbursts of anger and beyond exhausted of pretending things were okay.
I mentioned this before, but as I started to change and began realizing that I didn't want to live my life being anxious and afraid, and began seeking God for my healing, her anger, bitterness and jealousy of me only intensified. She became more distant and cruel. To her, it felt like a slap on the face- after all, she was seeing me overcome the things which she had not (yet). She was faced with the reality that she had believed lie after lie over her life, and the very few times I did share my thoughts on anxiety and how to overcome, she would come up with excuses and all the reasons why she thought I was making my "recovery" up. She even went as far as to talk to others about how "her healing could not be possible, she is just making it up."
There was an instance when her rage, bitterness and anger came spewing out. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to go off antidepressants, and would really appreciate her support. She didn't like the timing and discouraged me from doing so, but I felt impressed that God was with me and it was time to overcome this. Anyway, after hearing her disapproval, I decided not to bring it up again, not to seek her support and instead to surround myself with those that would be encouraging. It was Christmas eve and we were at a church service. I honestly don't even remember what brought it up, but all of a sudden she turned to me and said " I don't know why you think you deserve better than what we gave you." I was too stunned and hurt to even speak. I didn't believe I deserved better than her! I believed she too could have the wholeness and healing that I sought after, but she was too disillusioned by her own pain to even understand what I was saying. Instead, she only felt bitterness.
I can tell you one thing. I am NOT the same person I was. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, some times are worse than others. My identity is not in the fact that I have been healed, but rather that Jesus clothes me in righteousness and I have victory over all things. I have been set free from the spirit of oppression that resided in me for my entire life. I am grateful that with the help of counselors, doctors and occasionally medicine, I am becoming more whole, and more the person God created me to be before my parents and this world messed me up. I can tell you that my story of healing is NOT just for me, but is an example of what God can and will do for anyone willing to take the journey. I believe that God will use me to touch my mother's life, and that in time, she too will receive His healing for her wounded heart.
It's all a part of the not so lovely process. But Praise and Glory be to God- who heals all our diseases, and allows us to walk along the heights. He truly is the reason for the season.
My mother was neglected and abused as a child. I don't know all of the details, but I can see now how this changed her brain function and influenced her actions We now know that cortisol, while it helps us in dangerous situations, can damage and even destroy those precious developing neurons- yikes! This is why the "cry it out" sleep solution is not recommended, because cortisol is released when babies cry. They NEED to be reassured that everything is going to be okay otherwise they literally develop a sense of hopelessness and despair, leaving them prone to anxiety in the future because those neurons are damaged.
I get angry sometimes that when she knew something was wrong- when she felt it in herself that "she" was not ok- that she didn't do anything about it and continued on her way, leave chaos and pain in her path. Although I understand why she did the things she did and have a better understanding of her actions, I don't understand why she never got help. I know that the enemy had her believing lies- that she was worthless, that she was a victim to her past and therefore this was just the way she would live her life.
I learned how to be really good at hiding my emotions- I learned how to shut off my facial expressions so that I didn't show my displeasure at her actions, or my pain at the hurtful things she would say. I buried it deep inside until I became a ball of tangled emotions, fear and rage. When emotions would rise up, I didn't know what to do with them because it was never really "okay" to have them, and certainly if they made my mother feel bad about her actions or behavior, it was not okay to share them. To her it meant that she was a failure or that I was "better" than her if I showed any dislike over things she said or did. She felt that I was judging her constantly, when I was simply so sad at her outbursts of anger and beyond exhausted of pretending things were okay.
I mentioned this before, but as I started to change and began realizing that I didn't want to live my life being anxious and afraid, and began seeking God for my healing, her anger, bitterness and jealousy of me only intensified. She became more distant and cruel. To her, it felt like a slap on the face- after all, she was seeing me overcome the things which she had not (yet). She was faced with the reality that she had believed lie after lie over her life, and the very few times I did share my thoughts on anxiety and how to overcome, she would come up with excuses and all the reasons why she thought I was making my "recovery" up. She even went as far as to talk to others about how "her healing could not be possible, she is just making it up."
There was an instance when her rage, bitterness and anger came spewing out. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to go off antidepressants, and would really appreciate her support. She didn't like the timing and discouraged me from doing so, but I felt impressed that God was with me and it was time to overcome this. Anyway, after hearing her disapproval, I decided not to bring it up again, not to seek her support and instead to surround myself with those that would be encouraging. It was Christmas eve and we were at a church service. I honestly don't even remember what brought it up, but all of a sudden she turned to me and said " I don't know why you think you deserve better than what we gave you." I was too stunned and hurt to even speak. I didn't believe I deserved better than her! I believed she too could have the wholeness and healing that I sought after, but she was too disillusioned by her own pain to even understand what I was saying. Instead, she only felt bitterness.
I can tell you one thing. I am NOT the same person I was. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, some times are worse than others. My identity is not in the fact that I have been healed, but rather that Jesus clothes me in righteousness and I have victory over all things. I have been set free from the spirit of oppression that resided in me for my entire life. I am grateful that with the help of counselors, doctors and occasionally medicine, I am becoming more whole, and more the person God created me to be before my parents and this world messed me up. I can tell you that my story of healing is NOT just for me, but is an example of what God can and will do for anyone willing to take the journey. I believe that God will use me to touch my mother's life, and that in time, she too will receive His healing for her wounded heart.
It's all a part of the not so lovely process. But Praise and Glory be to God- who heals all our diseases, and allows us to walk along the heights. He truly is the reason for the season.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Backing up.
I have neglected an important part to my story, that I would now like to share. Up until about 1 year ago, I never even talked about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother. I had never allowed myself to stare the darkness in the face so to speak. Well, in August, I started counseling and seeing a naturapath for some anxiety I had been experiencing. I was having some adrenal and thyroid problems caused by a head injury from a few years back, but throughout the course of treatment, just like peeling back the layers of an onion, other sources of the anxiety were beginning to surface.
So, I began sharing with him my story. At this time, I feel stuck in grief. Like I just can't plow through it. But it's not just the loss of my father...there is something deeper and I can't put my finger on it. I feel a well of anger just sitting underneath. A fear that I can't put a name to, and deep sadness over my life. I know WHO it is at, but I can't figure out why. So, I was talking with my Naturapath about why I think the grief is complicated. I feel like I'm grieving over my childhood. I have always felt a profound sadness over my life, but I'm not sure exactly what. I'm still processing all the information. It's almost like my body held the memories, but my mind was just a spectator of the events. I know that I never had a place where it was safe to share my emotions. It's called "containment". When a child feels their emotions, they are overwhelming and loud. If a parent, usually the mother, is not able to contain the emotions or hold them into herself FOR the child, and instead, displays an inability to comfort, console or even shows a lack of empathy for the child's emotions, the child learns that their emotions are in fact, big, and scary, and not even his mother can contain them. They learn, in effect, they they are not safe, and that the world is not safe. If your own parents feel overwhelmed by what you feel, then who can you turn to for safety?
I have been studying up on childhood development and attachment so I can learn to understand how my daughter is growing and how to nurture that, but I was surprised at the uprising of emotion that came as I learned these things. I have very vivid memories of hiding my emotions from my mother. I can see it now, the moment an emotion would begin to rise up in me, my face turning to stone and the words "I'm fine" would come out, and a smile would cover the pain I felt inside. I hid the good and the bad, but especially the bad. Because the bad was too bad, but the good wasn't good enough to be noticed. It truly was all about her and how she felt and there was no room in her world for silly, childish emotions.
I thus learned to keep it all inside. Even now, my fingers take frequent pause and tremble on the keyboard. I am afraid to tell the details of my story for fear that she might find out and reprimand me. I am staring it in the face, but I'm afraid to acknowledge it as "my story." I don't know if this makes sense. But for me, to acknowledge it as mine means that I have to own the pain, the anger and the deep sadness over parts of me that were lost along the way.
Sitting with my counselor, she could tell that I was struggling. I'm shaking in my seat as I try to express what I feel because I'm still trying to be nice. I'm struggling to understand why my mother did the things she did and how she was unable to see how she hurt me, and still own the fact that I am entitled to my feelings. So she says "I need you to be honest. Don't be nice right now, just be honest." So then they came...slowly, but very angrily...the hurt came out.
I have been denying how I felt out of guilt and shame, trying to like my mother...trying to find anything good about her to cling to. How can you hate your own mother? I get this message all the time from well meaning people. First of all, I don't hate her, but neither do I truly "like" who she is. "You only see your mom once a month?" "yes...and that is more than enough right now." If you own mother doesn't love you, what hope do you have in this world? If your own mother isn't good, then how can you trust anything or anyone? It is true- the trust developed during attachment is the foundation for EVERY other relationship- including your relationship with God.
I fought this for a long time...pretending there were not cracks in my foundation when it was this very foundation God was seeking to demolish. I feared the exposure of my wounds for fear that they might never be healed, yet God exposes so he can heal. He breaks down so He can build up again, the way it was originally intended to be.
Isaiah 54:11 "O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires. And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."
So, I do not despair at my brokenness...I know that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and that he is near those who are crushed in spirit. I know that he desires for me to be a complete person, so that I can run more fully, and wholly in Him. And truthfully, I can't wait to see what he makes out of this pile of dust. I'm not sure HOW HE will do it, but this fact just requires that I lean all the more heavily upon the cross.
I realize the details are vague, and at some point I hope to be able to share them without fear, but I'm not quite there yet.
So, I began sharing with him my story. At this time, I feel stuck in grief. Like I just can't plow through it. But it's not just the loss of my father...there is something deeper and I can't put my finger on it. I feel a well of anger just sitting underneath. A fear that I can't put a name to, and deep sadness over my life. I know WHO it is at, but I can't figure out why. So, I was talking with my Naturapath about why I think the grief is complicated. I feel like I'm grieving over my childhood. I have always felt a profound sadness over my life, but I'm not sure exactly what. I'm still processing all the information. It's almost like my body held the memories, but my mind was just a spectator of the events. I know that I never had a place where it was safe to share my emotions. It's called "containment". When a child feels their emotions, they are overwhelming and loud. If a parent, usually the mother, is not able to contain the emotions or hold them into herself FOR the child, and instead, displays an inability to comfort, console or even shows a lack of empathy for the child's emotions, the child learns that their emotions are in fact, big, and scary, and not even his mother can contain them. They learn, in effect, they they are not safe, and that the world is not safe. If your own parents feel overwhelmed by what you feel, then who can you turn to for safety?
I have been studying up on childhood development and attachment so I can learn to understand how my daughter is growing and how to nurture that, but I was surprised at the uprising of emotion that came as I learned these things. I have very vivid memories of hiding my emotions from my mother. I can see it now, the moment an emotion would begin to rise up in me, my face turning to stone and the words "I'm fine" would come out, and a smile would cover the pain I felt inside. I hid the good and the bad, but especially the bad. Because the bad was too bad, but the good wasn't good enough to be noticed. It truly was all about her and how she felt and there was no room in her world for silly, childish emotions.
I thus learned to keep it all inside. Even now, my fingers take frequent pause and tremble on the keyboard. I am afraid to tell the details of my story for fear that she might find out and reprimand me. I am staring it in the face, but I'm afraid to acknowledge it as "my story." I don't know if this makes sense. But for me, to acknowledge it as mine means that I have to own the pain, the anger and the deep sadness over parts of me that were lost along the way.
Sitting with my counselor, she could tell that I was struggling. I'm shaking in my seat as I try to express what I feel because I'm still trying to be nice. I'm struggling to understand why my mother did the things she did and how she was unable to see how she hurt me, and still own the fact that I am entitled to my feelings. So she says "I need you to be honest. Don't be nice right now, just be honest." So then they came...slowly, but very angrily...the hurt came out.
I have been denying how I felt out of guilt and shame, trying to like my mother...trying to find anything good about her to cling to. How can you hate your own mother? I get this message all the time from well meaning people. First of all, I don't hate her, but neither do I truly "like" who she is. "You only see your mom once a month?" "yes...and that is more than enough right now." If you own mother doesn't love you, what hope do you have in this world? If your own mother isn't good, then how can you trust anything or anyone? It is true- the trust developed during attachment is the foundation for EVERY other relationship- including your relationship with God.
I fought this for a long time...pretending there were not cracks in my foundation when it was this very foundation God was seeking to demolish. I feared the exposure of my wounds for fear that they might never be healed, yet God exposes so he can heal. He breaks down so He can build up again, the way it was originally intended to be.
Isaiah 54:11 "O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires. And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."
So, I do not despair at my brokenness...I know that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and that he is near those who are crushed in spirit. I know that he desires for me to be a complete person, so that I can run more fully, and wholly in Him. And truthfully, I can't wait to see what he makes out of this pile of dust. I'm not sure HOW HE will do it, but this fact just requires that I lean all the more heavily upon the cross.
I realize the details are vague, and at some point I hope to be able to share them without fear, but I'm not quite there yet.
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