I've been thinking lately of my life as a garden. I spent a lot of months, probably even more than a year thinking "if I just do this, then maybe I'll grow faster. If I could just figure out the magic formula, then I would be healed by now." However, through this journey, I have been given treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places. I would not give those treasures up if my life depended on it. They were not always "given" the easy way, and sometimes I did not want to receive them at all, but nonetheless, they are tremendously valuable to me.
Accepting that life is a process, not an event, has drastically changed my pace and perspective. I give myself time to rest- and I give myself lots of it. I'm not nearly as grumpy. I can relax at the end of the day because I know that God is working in me, leading me on, helping me to learn through the daily events of my life. He knows I'm anxious to see the end and what the view will be like from wherever that is, but I find that as I've given up the "when will I get there?" mentality, I am experiencing much more of Him in the now, and it is healing my heart.
Several years ago, some months after my dad had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and my mom's bad behavior was just starting to get the better of me, the Lord showed me a picture during my devotions. It was a picture of Jesus, and he was just going to town on a garden, ripping out weeds like nobody's business- and he was JOYFUL about His work. I had an understanding that He was about to do some serious work on my "garden", although I didn't know what that would look like, or how dreadful the process would be.
It was just shortly after then that I began to fall apart, piece by piece, until everything comfortable and solid in my life was just gone. Well, not completely, but pretty darn close. It was an ugly and very uncomfortable, broken season of my life- one that I pray I never have to endure again. However, God was doing something profound and was dredging up some nasty weeds that would continue to choke the life out of anything good that wanted to grow there if not removed.
If I were to be honest, I would say that for the last few years I've been ashamed of the shape my garden is in. I don't want people to know how broken I've been. I'm afraid to show them that my garden has no living plants growing in it. I'm afraid they'll think I'm a heathen or something ridiculous like that. But, it's not my fault that my garden is empty- I just allowed the gardener to do what He wanted, and before I knew it, I looked out on a barren, tilled up ground with a big ole pile of weeds at the end just waiting to decompose.
I was thinking how often we judge others without knowing what is really going on in their lives. I'm sure if people judged my garden by the flowers, I'd come up pretty short of any awards. Someday, there will be a beautiful garden, it just wont be today. Does that diminish the value of unplotted soil? I don't think so. The preparation taken in planting and weeding and watering the garden will determine how big and beautiful that garden becomes.
So, don't hate the process- relax in it. God is in the process. And don't judge other people's gardens. If God has not made you privy to their process, then just pray and love them through it- but don't judge. You don't know what the gardener has planned for them ; )
Monday, April 15, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Insecurity
Insecurity may be the feeling that I loathe the most. Why? Because it makes people do stupid things. Things that they would otherwise, on a good day, month, or year, never do. I've struggled with a lot of things over the course of the last few years, not the least of which is insecurity. I've been exposed in a lot of ways because the healing process requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can bring correction as well as praise. This has been my season of correction. Not necessarily because I've done anything wrong, per se, but there are certain thought patterns, defense mechanisms and coping skills that are being exposed and they are not adequate for living as a healthy adult. It is first of all painful, but most importantly humbling and healing.
Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."
To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess. He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating.
I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to.
I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met. Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees.
I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on, and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to.
So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere.
I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing.
What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.
So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound.
Hebrews 12:11 says " For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]."
To give you a a visual, I once had a 2 year old patient who was run over by a riding lawn mower. His entire left leg was mangled, and his foot almost completely severed. It makes me sick to my stomach remembering the pain this little guy endured for months in the hospital following the accident. He had terrible anxiety over the doctors and nurses who took care of him. Not only that, but the healing process was rigorous and grueling. This is something that most adults would have a hard time processing. Two year olds are not capable of coping with something of that magnitude. Needless to say, he had to have major surgery to put the pieces of his mangled flesh back together and to have the skin grafted so that the wounds could heal properly. We then had to change his bandage and clean out the dead skin every few days so that new skin could grow, and also to prevent infections. Of course we would medicate for these procedures, but the pain he experienced was ongoing, even though the results would bring healing and restoration to his leg. He was required to expose every area of the wound so that we could send him home a healed boy, not a mangled mess. He of course would then have to go through physical therapy to regain strength in his leg, and to relieve stress off the other joints that were overcompensating.
I often think of this little guy as I have endured my own healing process. The exposing of the wound is often the hardest part. It requires vulnerability- something most "victims" of abuse or hurt are not easily willing to do. It is much easier to cover up the pain with grandiose thinking, making oneself look better on the outside so that people don't reject what's on the inside, or exposing only the things we deem "good enough" as to avoid rejection. But, it is necessary to find at least one safe person with which we can be vulnerable and expose our woundedness to.
I have noticed over the last little while, that the insecurities in my heart have seemed to become louder, even as I progressed in the healing process, as if raising their voice so that I would finally pay attention, much like my toddler likes to do. As I said before, insecurities can make us do stupid things to get our needs met. Things that can cost us relationships, jobs, ministries, etc. It makes us cling to others who we have no business clinging to, can make us stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are love starved, get a boob job or have botox injections (not that those things are inherently wrong!), bully others, or become overly critical of other's flaws. Ultimately, it ought to lead us to the only one who can really meet our needs met- Jesus- but sometimes we take detours and experience great amounts of pain on the way down to our knees.
I, for example, seek to please- "does anyone see that I am good? look at all this work I'm doing! Hey! Why aren't you calling anymore? Why aren't you giving more to this relationship? Hey! Don't you know I NEED YOU?!" And the list could go on, and on and on. And I've realized that most people are not fond of being clung to- it makes them feel needed instead of wanted, and suffocated at the same time. Also, there aren't many humans who can handle the depth of our brokenness and need. I have been blessed with a few who can so I trust my broken parts to them when I need to.
So, what do we need when we are insecure? Unconditional love, security, and affirmation that our worth is fixed and will not be threatened because of weakness, sin, pain or bad behavior. If we are to have a childlike relationship with our Heavenly Father, then our need first and foremost must be met in Him. I think of my daughter- most of the time, her behavior points to her need. When I'm talking on the phone, she starts yelling and wailing at me- because she wants attention. On the days or weeks where I have overbooked our schedule, she becomes more demanding over little things, bossy and somewhat controlling. She resists naps because she wants to sit with me This is now my cue that she needs time with me. She needs to know that she is still mine, and my love for her is not going anywhere.
I think of how prevalent bullying is in elementary and jr high now. Most of these children are deeply insecure and are bullied at home. How do they deal with it? By bullying others, acting our or getting into trouble. I read a study recently of a high school principal on the East Coast who simply began asking kids "tell me about what's going on in your life" when they were behaving poorly- what he found was that most of these kids were in a profound amount of pain, and were simply crying out for attention. Once he got his staff on board to begin disciplining differently, aka, asking about how the kid is doing vs doling out punishment, their detention rate went down a WHOPPING 60%! 60%!!! In one year...astonishing.
What I have been learning is that all behavior is purposeful. If we follow the bunny trail, it will reveal what is really going on inside. What is driving us in certain directions and what is causing pain. For example, the other day, I had a thought of something nice my mother did for me, and immediately I became angry and critical of her. I suddenly realized my anger was just a mask for how deeply I still wanted my mother to love me and take interest in my life. Once I realized that was where the anger was coming from, I stopped harassing myself for being angry, and took my pain to Jesus. I was able to grieve it and also recognize the dysfunctional thinking pattern involved. We have to be willing to go there or we will never walk in wholeness.
So, all that to say, that no discipline (which really is teaching) is pleasant at the time, but WILL reap a harvest of peace and righteousness to those who are being trained by it. We can trust that our Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit care deeply for our pain, and will not mock or shame us- even as repulsive as our behavior can be because of the wound.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Pleasant Places
It's been an interesting few weeks. I've had an odd sense of peace about something I've never been able to really fully consider, much less NOT be anxious about. The mother I've adopted as my own used to say "You'll know it's right because you'll have peace about it." The only problem is, I didn't have peace about the things other people would normally have peace about. I have struggled with fear most of my life, I still do, although the more intimately I know Jesus, the more that fear fades...Anyway, back to my point. I truly had no real grasp of what she meant by that.
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
This decision that I'm talking about is a painful one. It may cost me a lot, or that could just be the fear speaking. It entails walking away from my mother AND (clenching fists and bracing myself) finally telling her the truth. I have been mildly honest, completely out of fear. But at this point, It is not about her. I expect nothing from her, and I am not asking her to repay me with a good relationship. The fact is, I am not healing. Every time I see my mother or have any sort of contact with her, I'm triggered. I get sucked in. I lose the sense of identity that I have fought so hard to find, much less move freely in. Out of pure habit, the pathways in my brain just automatically go to "abandon self for the sake of mother" before I even have a chance to think logically, and then it's two days of rebuilding.
I began to get angry about this, and I started asking myself some questions. Why am I doing this? Am I doing it because I'm afraid? If so, then what am I afraid of? What am I really losing? I used to be afraid of the questions, as if they for some reason they displayed some sacrilegious thinking. I think the questions are good, and healthy, because they expose where our foundation is REALLY built.
Why am I doing this? Putting myself in harms way? Because I am afraid. I'm afraid of her rejection, and I am afraid of being rejected by God. There are some religious nonsensical ideas that are floating around the church today and they are damaging. These lies are the ones that keep battered wives from getting out and seeking safety. The lies that keep people from pursuing wholeness and healing for the sake of not "shaming" their families by exposing the truth of what goes on at home. "Blood runs thicker than water", and certainly God created families to function in a certain way, but what happens when they are not healthy? Does He not ultimately desire the wholeness of each individual within that family unit? What happens with dysfunctional family systems, particularly where there is abuse, neglect, rage, alcohol or drug issues? We learn to lie and hide. We learn to overcompensate for the ones that aren't pulling their weight, sometimes to the point of enabling and even encouraging bad behavior. We lie to make sure mom doesn't fly into a rage. Or we clean up the mess so that dad (who is a drunk) doesn't get in trouble so that just this once, mom and dad wont get into a screaming match. Children sacrifice themselves for their parents and risk their own freedom and healing for the sake of family. Often, intimidation and bullying is involved. We don't expose the truth because we are afraid of what we will lose. But what are we losing? A friend pointed out recently- in these situations, what we are really losing is the HOPE that things will be as they ought to be, not the reality that they actually are as they ought to be.
I am surely not losing a healthy relationship. I am losing an unhealthy relationship that is hanging by a thread of fear. Should my siblings decide to disown me and take mother's side, then apparently the relationships are not what I thought they were.
As I've written before, my mother has ovarian cancer. I felt suffocated when I heard the news. I thought "Oh God...now I HAVE to go be close to her?". This feeling of impending doom...I literally was walking around thinking "I can't do it...please don't make me do it. PLEEEAAAASSEEEE don't make me go." I had several days of anxiety and turmoil- "what will people say? What will SHE say? oh God...." This time around, setting boundaries with her really has nothing to do with her. I am not angry. I am not expecting her to change. I am not bitter. I just can't do it anymore. I need more healing. I need more space, and I DESPERATELY need my needs to be honored. Something came over me a few weeks ago. It was an unction to do an experiment. I had been refreshing myself by reading "Boundaries" again, and was struck by the scripture "each of us ought to give cheerfully, not out of obligation, because God loves a cheerful giver." I examined my heart, and I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. What is my motivation? It is SOLELY fear. I am only visiting because I am afraid of what others will say, I'm afraid of what my mother will say...etc, but it is NOT because I have been motivated by God to do so. So, my experiment was to just not go unless I wanted to. No more moving out of obligation or guilt or fear. I told the Lord that I would not pursue this relationship until He tells me to.And guess what? It felt really good. It felt good to give the reigns back to my heavenly Father. To put my trust into His hands. To say "Lord, they may hate and reject me, but I choose now to trust that you will be the one to search my heart and then defend me."
Now, of course, no progress is really progress without a few steps backwards, and a few days later I found myself anxious all over again, having to discuss my decision and confirm that it is a good one all over again...but, progress is progress, right?
This is one of the many verses I've found refreshing recently (Bold letters added):
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