Guh. Why can't progress remain progress, no going forward and going backwards? I think I am still having a hard time really accepting my decision to go almost no contact with my mother. Thankfully, the Lord is helping me to forget most of the painful memories of my childhood. One of the things I struggle with is that she also did good things. This is what makes the bad things so confusing. How can someone who had so consistently hurt me, also love me? I understand, as a mother, we all get exhausted, yell more than we should or say things we don't mean. This is not what I'm talking about. Her behavior was what no one would consider normal.
As I have said before, my mom was abused as a child- severely neglected and treated very poorly. This breaks my heart, and while I know it breaks God's heart that this happened, I know too, that her behavior is not okay with him. It was not his design or intention for her to carry out the legacy of abuse. Unfortunately the phrase "hurt people, hurt people" is very true- unless we choose otherwise! Just because someone punches you in the face, does not mean you have to turn around and do the same to others. I understand that her brain was changed as a result of that damage, and a lot of her behavior- manipulation, control, feelings of rejection- are defense mechanisms that she has used to survive for years.
One thing I struggle with is that I am a very sensitive, compassionate person. I have DEEP compassion for my mother. I can vaguely imagine the pain she must have endured as a child, and I desperately want her to know the healing I have experienced in the body of Christ. Yet, being in relationship with her, is hard. I do not feel like I should enable someone or excuse their bad behavior just because their childhood was sad- after all, if I did the same thing to my daughter, would she accept that excuse in exchange for her feelings? I don't think so. All that to say, I understand why she did it, I have compassion for that. I have very little understanding of STAYING in that place when you know there is help out there. There could be a million reasons for this.
I have decided to take a time-out of sorts and regroup. Give myself the time I need to heal and recover and focus on my family and our future. Deal with my bitterness and heartache. I'm really trying to grasp that it's not my responsibility to heal her or fix her. It is not my fault.
It bothers me that other family members make excuses for her behavior and minimize their own feelings because they feel sorry for her. I have compassion, I'm not sure I feel sorry for her. Maybe that is wrong. I'm not sure if there really is a difference between the two.
What I hate, is that I feel like I CANT be happy or that I don't deserve to be happy because she is unhappy. But, the reality is, her happiness is up to her. I have to retrain the way I think about this.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
If things were different.
So, I'm in the process of letting go of expectations. It's amazing how powerful expectations can be! They leave room for failure and disappointment where none existed before.
I am realizing, maybe for the first time, what I never had. Somehow, having a daughter of my own puts this right in front of my face on a daily basis. Not so much memories of bad things that happened (although this happens too), but more so what WASNT there: relationship.
This is not a pity party- but rather just a filing away of sadness that I've been holding on to for far too long.
I wish I had had a mom I felt safe sharing ME with, instead I felt/feel defensive in her presence- like I had to hide the real me or anything that just didn't fit with her agenda for the day. I wish I had a mom I could tell secrets and struggles with- knowing she would pray for me and encourage me- not blab my troubles with the world and everyone I DONT want to know. I wish I didn't have to defend myself as if I were on trial for some crime. I wish I had a mom I felt I could be alone with without wondering when she is going to sneak in some comment I wasn't prepared for, corner me for answers I don't want to give and that she doesn't want to hear anyway. I wish I had a mom I could invite to my birthday parties, the movies or shopping. I wish I had a mom who was healthy and non-toxic, mature and not self centered. I wish I had a mom who I felt comfortable enough having her over to my messy house and not feel embarrassed about it or like I have to hurry and clean.
Obviously, the list could go on and on. But the reality is, she appears to only be able to think of herself and her wants, not the needs and feelings of others and that is something I have come to accept. I think this is actually a defense mechanism. I have come to accept that in her presence, I will likely always have to be someone else, or at least, not entirely myself.
I am realizing, maybe for the first time, what I never had. Somehow, having a daughter of my own puts this right in front of my face on a daily basis. Not so much memories of bad things that happened (although this happens too), but more so what WASNT there: relationship.
This is not a pity party- but rather just a filing away of sadness that I've been holding on to for far too long.
I wish I had had a mom I felt safe sharing ME with, instead I felt/feel defensive in her presence- like I had to hide the real me or anything that just didn't fit with her agenda for the day. I wish I had a mom I could tell secrets and struggles with- knowing she would pray for me and encourage me- not blab my troubles with the world and everyone I DONT want to know. I wish I didn't have to defend myself as if I were on trial for some crime. I wish I had a mom I felt I could be alone with without wondering when she is going to sneak in some comment I wasn't prepared for, corner me for answers I don't want to give and that she doesn't want to hear anyway. I wish I had a mom I could invite to my birthday parties, the movies or shopping. I wish I had a mom who was healthy and non-toxic, mature and not self centered. I wish I had a mom who I felt comfortable enough having her over to my messy house and not feel embarrassed about it or like I have to hurry and clean.
Obviously, the list could go on and on. But the reality is, she appears to only be able to think of herself and her wants, not the needs and feelings of others and that is something I have come to accept. I think this is actually a defense mechanism. I have come to accept that in her presence, I will likely always have to be someone else, or at least, not entirely myself.
Family Vacation
Growing up, family vacations were always a big deal and we loved them. I mean, they always contained a certain amount of chaos, but that's pretty normal for a family of 6. This past weekend, we went as a family to the beach...without my dad.
I had not spoken to my mom in several weeks before this event and was very nervous-I was starting to go down the dangerous road of preparing myself for every possible argument and all that I would say if I could say everything I want to say! I had to check myself, and just began to pray. I prayed for a good weekend, that her angry, manipulative ways would be silenced and that there would be no drama. I prayed that God would help me to love her, because I do not like her...I want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I prayed that any remarks or comments would just roll right off my back and would not be noticed unless I absolutely needed to confront something.
When we arrived, I said hello to her and her boyfriend, she looked past me and went straight for my daughter, saying how much she missed her. I expected this and was neither surprised of offended by it, actually I was relieved. The pressure was off of me. I wanted to give her as much time to play with our daughter as we could this weekend, so that maybe she wouldn't bother me so much for time with her in the future. My plan didn't go as I had hoped, as my Darling was teething and clinging to me like nobody's business. So much for relaxing!
This was our first family vacation that everyone was able to attend in almost 10 years. It was so good to spend some quality time laughing and joking with my brothers...they remind me so much of my dad. I felt like he was there. But I also felt his absence. It made me miss him even more. Not to mention my moms new boyfriend is NOTHING like my dad. His humor is like dry toast and he weighs about as much as one of my dad's forearms! Has no like for food (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!), and doesn't talk much. My dad was the polar opposite- life of the party, always pranking, laughing and eating. Man I miss him!
I think one of the things that makes me angry is that I feel like she used his sickness and brought all eyes on her. I had heard her say several times before my dad actually got cancer, "Tom, why don't you just die so I can get your insurance policy...at least then this will have been worth something.." WHAT?! Who says that? And even worse...who means that?! She meant every word. I have no doubt in my mind that she really had convinced herself he was no good and she would be just fine without him. I often wonder if she remembers those words. I pray to God she doesn't. That would be a heavy burden to bear. So the crazy part is her response to sickness. I was too caught up in his illness to allow myself to really accept these things for what they were, but the focus was clearly not on him, it became all about her and how hard this was for her. All of a sudden, nobody else mattered. (Please know, I understand that she carried a large burden by taking care of my dad- that is not to be minimized, and she did it well. What bothers is below)
When her and I started butting heads (which was over NOTHING!) she could only point out how difficult I was making this for her, and how inconsiderate I was for bringing up issues at a time like this...yet she did not consider the fact that I was pregnant, my husband unemployed, and my father severely ill. She could not see anyone's suffering but her own. I was stunned that my own mother could have such a disregard for her own child. I understand WHY...there is something wrong with her, yet thinking about it feels like someone is rubbing my brain against a cheese grater. I can hardly believe this is truly happening. How did it get so bad? Was it always this bad and I was just too young to realize it? Must be so. Others began pointing strange comments out to me before I had come to the realization myself. Oy.
I feel like I have come a long way in the last year. I am now able to say how I feel, make a decision and stick to it, and say "I can't do such and such" and not feel guilty, whereas before, I would panic, break out in a cold sweat just THINKING about what I had to say to her. I still hide things from her, to avoid her saying "why are you doing that?" or "how come her other grandparents get to see her all the time but I never do." I do not feel guilty for taking space- I desperately need it. I need it to grieve, to live and to grow. To regain my emotional health- this is vital!
All in all, the weekend was great. I still need some time processing, but I'm thanking God there was no major chaos!
I had not spoken to my mom in several weeks before this event and was very nervous-I was starting to go down the dangerous road of preparing myself for every possible argument and all that I would say if I could say everything I want to say! I had to check myself, and just began to pray. I prayed for a good weekend, that her angry, manipulative ways would be silenced and that there would be no drama. I prayed that God would help me to love her, because I do not like her...I want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I prayed that any remarks or comments would just roll right off my back and would not be noticed unless I absolutely needed to confront something.
When we arrived, I said hello to her and her boyfriend, she looked past me and went straight for my daughter, saying how much she missed her. I expected this and was neither surprised of offended by it, actually I was relieved. The pressure was off of me. I wanted to give her as much time to play with our daughter as we could this weekend, so that maybe she wouldn't bother me so much for time with her in the future. My plan didn't go as I had hoped, as my Darling was teething and clinging to me like nobody's business. So much for relaxing!
This was our first family vacation that everyone was able to attend in almost 10 years. It was so good to spend some quality time laughing and joking with my brothers...they remind me so much of my dad. I felt like he was there. But I also felt his absence. It made me miss him even more. Not to mention my moms new boyfriend is NOTHING like my dad. His humor is like dry toast and he weighs about as much as one of my dad's forearms! Has no like for food (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!), and doesn't talk much. My dad was the polar opposite- life of the party, always pranking, laughing and eating. Man I miss him!
I think one of the things that makes me angry is that I feel like she used his sickness and brought all eyes on her. I had heard her say several times before my dad actually got cancer, "Tom, why don't you just die so I can get your insurance policy...at least then this will have been worth something.." WHAT?! Who says that? And even worse...who means that?! She meant every word. I have no doubt in my mind that she really had convinced herself he was no good and she would be just fine without him. I often wonder if she remembers those words. I pray to God she doesn't. That would be a heavy burden to bear. So the crazy part is her response to sickness. I was too caught up in his illness to allow myself to really accept these things for what they were, but the focus was clearly not on him, it became all about her and how hard this was for her. All of a sudden, nobody else mattered. (Please know, I understand that she carried a large burden by taking care of my dad- that is not to be minimized, and she did it well. What bothers is below)
When her and I started butting heads (which was over NOTHING!) she could only point out how difficult I was making this for her, and how inconsiderate I was for bringing up issues at a time like this...yet she did not consider the fact that I was pregnant, my husband unemployed, and my father severely ill. She could not see anyone's suffering but her own. I was stunned that my own mother could have such a disregard for her own child. I understand WHY...there is something wrong with her, yet thinking about it feels like someone is rubbing my brain against a cheese grater. I can hardly believe this is truly happening. How did it get so bad? Was it always this bad and I was just too young to realize it? Must be so. Others began pointing strange comments out to me before I had come to the realization myself. Oy.
I feel like I have come a long way in the last year. I am now able to say how I feel, make a decision and stick to it, and say "I can't do such and such" and not feel guilty, whereas before, I would panic, break out in a cold sweat just THINKING about what I had to say to her. I still hide things from her, to avoid her saying "why are you doing that?" or "how come her other grandparents get to see her all the time but I never do." I do not feel guilty for taking space- I desperately need it. I need it to grieve, to live and to grow. To regain my emotional health- this is vital!
All in all, the weekend was great. I still need some time processing, but I'm thanking God there was no major chaos!
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