Even redeeming is a process. The word redeem means to "buy back" or "to recover". I imagine it's somewhat more like an archaeologist digging for ruins- they brush and they scrape away carefully and slowly, until piece by piece, the original design is brought forth.
I've been struggling with forgiveness again lately. I don't know if it's because 1 week from today marks the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death- and all that came with it. Little did I know that his death was only the beginning of a much larger process- forgiving my mom. When my dad died, I lost the mediator or buffer between my mom and myself. and that terrified me! God, of course is my mediator- but much less visible at times : )
Memories have started popping up- and I immediately have to remind myself "nope! I've forgiven this- Lord help me to forgive!."
Perhaps what spurned this new influx of frustration toward my mother was a recent conversation where I was reminded of her unchanged behavior. Every conversation again circles around her and her life and her problems and then maybe a little blip or a question about me. Please know- she can be kind, thoughtful and caring- but I think deep down she really doesn't know HOW to love me- how to be unselfish. My idealistic/visionary self sees what could be, the relationship we could have if only this or that, and then conversations like this pull me right back to reality.And reality bites sometimes.
For YEARS, I gave and gave and gave to make my mom feel good about herself. I denied who I was and how I felt for fear that it would be too much. She couldn't seem to handle her own emotions, much less mine. And don't even consider speaking up- because we all know what happens when you do that. Once I learn to accept the reality of the situation, it actually releases me of the condemnation- the old tape that plays in my head of what a terrible daughter I am for not being "enough" for my own mother.
But once I accept that this is where she is, and this is where I am and it is OKAY for me to separate myself for a bit- it is okay if the extent of our relationship is somewhat long distance and it's okay that we are not best friends- then for some reason, I chill out- the pressure is off- and those old tapes of condemnation and guilt just stop playing. I guess i'm just a little discouraged that I still struggle with this from time to time.
Our God is gracious. I am so grateful that He puts loving people to support and encourage us along the way.
