I'ts been a few months since I've posted. There has been a lot going on and I just wasn't quite ready to put it all out in the open. I'm still not sure I'm ready, but here goes...
My BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mother is dying. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost 2 years ago, and 2 months ago, they told her there was nothing else they could do. She refused hospice, which unfortunately for her meant many trips to the hospital to deal with bowel obstructions and pain.
I knew this day would come...I just wasn't prepared for how soon it would be. I've only been no-contact with her for under 2 years. Not a whole lot of time to process nearly 26 years of emotional abuse. But God does work miracles! I have somehow been enabled to make tremendous (and I mean TREMENDOUS) progress in a very short period of time. It has felt much like I imagine living in a pressure cooker would feel like: intense, hot, sweaty and painful. But the results? Nothing short of amazing.
When I found out that there was nothing more to be done, I knew I would be faced with the monumental decision of whether or not to go see her, and if not, I would be facing the very vocal opinions of my family. Stress and anxiety ensued. I hit a "hot" spot in my relationship with God because once again, I was faced with a very painful and difficult decision, and I was just TIRED of making hard decisions that I knew would cost me something. I knew neither option would be painless. I was angry because I felt like things just kept dying. That I would be locked in a season of continual grief and I was tired of it.
To be honest, I didn't want to see her. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has done such tremendous damage to my heart and mind over the years didn't make me fearful, it made me feel ill. I value the work I've done and the progress I've made, yet, I wanted to honor her. I wanted to be open to the opportunity for some sort of closure should that be something she was looking for. I, however, did not feel like I needed that. I made my peace a long time ago. I let her go and with every major step forward, I handed her over to God, and looked to him to be my source and provider. I stopped looking to her to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, and began letting God heal me. That is one example of forgiveness. So, in many ways for me, It was as if she had already died.
Nevertheless, I prayed...for months. I knew God already had the answer, but it is always about process with Him. There is always a fear to be conquered and a facet of His personality He wants to impart to us in difficulty. So I began looking for that. At some point, I stopped looking at the circumstance. I stopped looking at the pain. I stopped looking at what it would cost me and I refocused my attention on God. What did he want for this situation?
Well, there are some things that we know God always wants, because they fall in line with WHO He is, and He never changes. For example, I know it is his desire for there to be restoration, reconciliation and healing in relationships...always. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken people in the world who are unwilling or unable to make strides towards that or to engage in any sort of healing process that would lead to that. And in certain circumstances, God does release us from that- because He is good! He is so good, that when we let those people go, He fills every single void. We are not left empty handed. So, I knew that God and my heart were aligned because we both desire reconciliation, and when it became clear that my mother's heart and mind were not in that place at all, I felt tremendously comforted by the fact that even though she couldn't or wouldn't give that to me, He still intended me to have that, and I could look to Him to meet that need.
One of the other things that I know God values in this situation is my heart. This has been really hard for me to get. After years of encounters with Gods love, it is still hard for me to fathom that in this situation, He is also invested in protecting my heart.
I then began pondering my responsibility here. Being parentified in a relationship does tremendous damage. I still have some messed up thinking when it comes to responsibilities because my mother constantly made us responsible for her state of mind- whether that be raging or depressed, manic or silently brooding. I had to take some time to process that and untangle false beliefs. What was I responsible for? I am responsible for honoring her. But how does one honor a parent who has made their life a nightmare? This is a really important question. I think it really varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is where we need to partner in our relationship with the Father in what that might look like given the dynamics of each individual relationship. Honor has always been of great importance to me, namely because God commands it, so I wanted to know what that looked like for this situation. I know that I honor my mother by living a Godly life- because that is something I am called to. I honor my mother by forgiving her and releasing her. I honor her by NOT continuing the pattern of abuse that was set up generations ago. I honor her by remembering the good things she did that have contributed to my health and wellness. I'm not exactly sure how we got the idea that to honor someone means that you do whatever they want, that is not what honor means. (For an EXCELLENT resource on honor and boundaries, see "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Lee Silk. http://www.amazon.com/Keep-Your-Love-Connection-Communication/dp/B00IIDMBM6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1419919520&sr=8-3&keywords=Keep+your+love+on
For me, sending a letter letting her know that I was deeply saddened to hear about the inevitability of her death, and detailing various things she did that made me feel loved and special over the years was the best I could do. I sat on it for weeks, just editing. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted God's love to pour over hear heart and pull her in when she read it. After all- the end isn't just about making amends with significant people in our lives, it is about making peace with God. She needs his love more than ever to envelop her and that is my prayer. Reconciliation or not.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Beautiful Struggle
It's been an interesting week (or month- I'm really not sure how long). I've been in a funk, I guess you could say. REALLY really wrestling with some frustrations and disappointments. No matter what I did, I just could not seem to shake them. I tried pretending they weren't there. That obviously didn't work. I tried being more thankful and praising my way through it. No change. I finally had to get to a place where I could let all my tension and frustrations out and just ask the Lord to be there with me (Reading Lamentations has helped greatly...that book is full of lamenting and perhaps what we would call complaining, yet the writer always turns to God and rests in the promise of God's goodness.)
It is so interesting to me how God heals us. It often feels backwards and up-side-down. What amazes me the most is how committed God is to our wholeness. Every time I think he might give up on me or say "Thats it. I've had enough of you!", I'm proven wrong. He already sees us as whole, so I'm learning that when He addresses us, he is addressing us from that place of wholeness.
I was all pent up with anger, and frustration. Anger at the miscarriages. Anger that I have a blood clotting issue that puts me into the high risk category for any subsequent pregnancies, just overall feeling like my boat has been rocked and feeling oh so tired of it.
As I've written before, I've spent a great deal of my life pretending. Being too afraid to be real or honest about my hurts and heartaches. I was really good at performing and acting my way through things. Well, God is after our hearts, and I'm learning that only that which we expose to his love can be permanently changed. He has never been after our performance, but relationship.
I didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Both were riddled with dysfunction, just in different ways. I was an adult in both of those relationship for the majority of my life, meaning that I carried responsibilities in the relationship that I should never have carried. It takes YEARS of hard work in therapy and the Lords presence to undo that. How does this translate to future relationships and my relationship with God? Well, developmentally, I was behind. I'm an excellent servant, but being a daughter is not something that came naturally to me. Intellectually, I am very smart, and I have high emotional intelligence. I often am told that I act much older than my 30 years, but there were certain parts of me that lagged behind relationally simply because I didn't have my needs met. It is those places that desperately need healing.
In Psalms 27:10 "When my father and mother forsake me, The Lord will take care of me." I am learning that God means this 100%. He means to take care of those places that were long abandoned and neglected. Places I didn't even know about. Places I've kept hidden and tucked away out of shame or fear or because I didn't know they were there to begin with. And He is so gentle. He doesn't come barging in. He comes knocking and woos us until we feel safe enough in His love to expose what's really inside. And He will prove himself 100 times over until we get it that it is ok to let those walls down. How does this look in real life? Well, in my experience, it has been that I have been allowed certain circumstances that have brought that pain and dysfunction to the forefront. Not the most comfortable, let me tell you. There are walls and defenses that were erected to protect and in my experience it has been pretty uncomfortable learning a new way of living without those walls in place. And I don't need to be ashamed of those walls. Without them, I may not have survived as well as I did. But now? They are no longer conducive to a healthy way of living. He never shames me there (and He won't shame you). He just says "I see it. And I plan to heal it, if you'll let me." And then he sets us into a process of healing.
My friend wrote an excellent analogy regarding accepting the hard things in life and TRUSTING that God truly knows what is best for us. I'll try to recap that as well as she does.
Lets say that one of our teenage children wanted to go to Paris. That's an excellent idea. We might book a one stop flight to Paris, with a hotel right in the airport so that she doesn't have to figure out how to get to and from the airport safely. We might not even make her pay for the trip. But what would be a better experience in the long run? What if sending her by boat meant that she learned a little bit more about travel than flying on a plane? Sure...the trip will take a few days longer, but she will get to see more of creation. She will get to learn the ins and outs of traveling aboard a ship, and getting from sea to land safely. She'll get to take marvelous pictures of the sea and maybe learn that she is seasick. What if instead of paying for the trip for her (which is not wrong), I tell her she can't go unless she gets a job and starts earning some of the funds herself? What is more valuable? A free trip to Paris or one that she got to participate in paying for, creating a sense of ownership and pride in her own abilities, seeing more of the world and having a FAR richer experience?
What I'm trying to illustrate is that God is far more invested in the long term fruit of our lives than our present circumstances seem to paint for us. I'm not saying (not even in a tiny way) that God somehow arranged my miscarriages, or the death of my father or the loss of almost every relationship in my family, but, Romans 8 clearly says that He works ALL things together for our good. So, what if God brings us to certain obstacles to show us that NO MATTER WHAT, He will always prove himself to be bigger? He will ALWAYS bring us through to the other side. He will ALWAYS comfort us. He will ALWAYS bring healing- whether in the moment or otherwise. Isn't that more important than our temporary comfort?
It is so interesting to me how God heals us. It often feels backwards and up-side-down. What amazes me the most is how committed God is to our wholeness. Every time I think he might give up on me or say "Thats it. I've had enough of you!", I'm proven wrong. He already sees us as whole, so I'm learning that when He addresses us, he is addressing us from that place of wholeness.
I was all pent up with anger, and frustration. Anger at the miscarriages. Anger that I have a blood clotting issue that puts me into the high risk category for any subsequent pregnancies, just overall feeling like my boat has been rocked and feeling oh so tired of it.
As I've written before, I've spent a great deal of my life pretending. Being too afraid to be real or honest about my hurts and heartaches. I was really good at performing and acting my way through things. Well, God is after our hearts, and I'm learning that only that which we expose to his love can be permanently changed. He has never been after our performance, but relationship.
I didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Both were riddled with dysfunction, just in different ways. I was an adult in both of those relationship for the majority of my life, meaning that I carried responsibilities in the relationship that I should never have carried. It takes YEARS of hard work in therapy and the Lords presence to undo that. How does this translate to future relationships and my relationship with God? Well, developmentally, I was behind. I'm an excellent servant, but being a daughter is not something that came naturally to me. Intellectually, I am very smart, and I have high emotional intelligence. I often am told that I act much older than my 30 years, but there were certain parts of me that lagged behind relationally simply because I didn't have my needs met. It is those places that desperately need healing.
In Psalms 27:10 "When my father and mother forsake me, The Lord will take care of me." I am learning that God means this 100%. He means to take care of those places that were long abandoned and neglected. Places I didn't even know about. Places I've kept hidden and tucked away out of shame or fear or because I didn't know they were there to begin with. And He is so gentle. He doesn't come barging in. He comes knocking and woos us until we feel safe enough in His love to expose what's really inside. And He will prove himself 100 times over until we get it that it is ok to let those walls down. How does this look in real life? Well, in my experience, it has been that I have been allowed certain circumstances that have brought that pain and dysfunction to the forefront. Not the most comfortable, let me tell you. There are walls and defenses that were erected to protect and in my experience it has been pretty uncomfortable learning a new way of living without those walls in place. And I don't need to be ashamed of those walls. Without them, I may not have survived as well as I did. But now? They are no longer conducive to a healthy way of living. He never shames me there (and He won't shame you). He just says "I see it. And I plan to heal it, if you'll let me." And then he sets us into a process of healing.
My friend wrote an excellent analogy regarding accepting the hard things in life and TRUSTING that God truly knows what is best for us. I'll try to recap that as well as she does.
Lets say that one of our teenage children wanted to go to Paris. That's an excellent idea. We might book a one stop flight to Paris, with a hotel right in the airport so that she doesn't have to figure out how to get to and from the airport safely. We might not even make her pay for the trip. But what would be a better experience in the long run? What if sending her by boat meant that she learned a little bit more about travel than flying on a plane? Sure...the trip will take a few days longer, but she will get to see more of creation. She will get to learn the ins and outs of traveling aboard a ship, and getting from sea to land safely. She'll get to take marvelous pictures of the sea and maybe learn that she is seasick. What if instead of paying for the trip for her (which is not wrong), I tell her she can't go unless she gets a job and starts earning some of the funds herself? What is more valuable? A free trip to Paris or one that she got to participate in paying for, creating a sense of ownership and pride in her own abilities, seeing more of the world and having a FAR richer experience?
What I'm trying to illustrate is that God is far more invested in the long term fruit of our lives than our present circumstances seem to paint for us. I'm not saying (not even in a tiny way) that God somehow arranged my miscarriages, or the death of my father or the loss of almost every relationship in my family, but, Romans 8 clearly says that He works ALL things together for our good. So, what if God brings us to certain obstacles to show us that NO MATTER WHAT, He will always prove himself to be bigger? He will ALWAYS bring us through to the other side. He will ALWAYS comfort us. He will ALWAYS bring healing- whether in the moment or otherwise. Isn't that more important than our temporary comfort?
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Dealing with disappointment in God
First, let me preface and say that I am by NO means calling myself an expert, or claiming that I have this thing down. I am sharing-very humbly- from a place that has been more painful than probably anything else I've experienced, and how I'm learning to move through it- imperfectly.
Disappointment. We've all been there at one time or another. And, I am fairly certain that it won't be the last time in the course of our earthly lives. We get disappointed when a tire pops on the freeway and we have to use all our savings to fix the car, when a child flunks out of school and has to redo that grade all over again, when someone fails us, we lose a job, a pregnancy, a loved one. You catch my drift. There can be a million different reasons why we land in the place of disappointment.
I want to touch on what we do when we become disappointed in God. It's not something Ive heard talked about much in church, or among leaders even. I've heard various verses thrown around "he gives and takes away", or "His ways are not our ways"- and all of those things are true- but that doesn't do much to change the fact that there is a rift and we don't know how to fix it. I know that I myself could barely admit that I have been there on more than one occasion. Almost like if I said it out loud, a bolt of lightening from heaven would come and strike me dead.
I have had certain expectations of God. Expectations I didn't know I had. I expected that since I'd already suffered so much, that I had met my quota and would suffer no more. I expected that my service to him during different seasons meant I wouldn't lose. In essence, it was all about religion. A series of deposits should equal a certain number of withdrawals, right? I had no idea what I was missing out on- relationally. He had so much more to give me.
Well, I hit a place recently with the miscarriages of tremendous pain, anger and resentment towards God. I was unwilling to admit it for fear I might collapse. Just poof- disappear into oblivion. You see- I KNOW that God is all I have. If I'm mad at him, then what hope do I have? What chance do I have of resolving my disappointment with a sovereign God who is by his very nature, GOOD? I knew something needed to be resolved. I knew there was a big wall in between him and me, and I wanted more than anything for that to be removed.
I met with a woman who I go to somewhat regularly for prayer ministry, and basically just sat down and told her where I was at. I wasn't sure how I got here. I felt tremendously confused and shaken to my core. I thought I was doing fine and then BAM. I hit a huge wall. We started praying and I asked God to show me the wall. I immediately saw a thick cement wall. I knew the wall was built of pain and disappointment. I knew that I had built the wall- unknowingly. I didn't know how to tear it down. We asked Jesus to show us how to take the wall down. I saw Him climb over the wall and embrace me and I began to weep. I was unable to contain the sorrow I had locked away in my heart. I understood that he wasn't asking me to change how I felt, but rather bring all of that stuff to him.
This wall had been built a long time ago in response to pain. It was built to protect me, and it did a fine job up until the point where it was no longer necessary or HEALTHY for me to keep it there.
All of a sudden I saw Jesus kneeling at my feet. He was asking me to forgive him for not healing me. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt in that moment. Me? Forgive Jesus? Jesus did nothing wrong...but my heart needed to forgive him for not meeting my expectation. For allowing me to experience such tremendous heartache that I feared it would consume me. The forgiveness was for me- and it was so he and I could continue to enjoy unbroken relationship. I felt his deep sorrow for my loss. I felt his compassion. I know that there was not a moment of this process that he has left me alone and without help.
What does it mean to forgive Jesus? Well, I'm going to take an excerpt from "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge:
"Forgive God? This idea is going to cause some readers to freak out. Just listen for a moment. If
you are holding something in your heart against Jesus- the loss of someone you love, a painful
memory from your past, simply the way your life has turned out- if you are holding that against
Jesus, well then, it is between you and Jesus. . And no amount of ignoring it or being faithful in
other areas of your life is going to make it go away. In order to move forward, you are going to
have to forgive Jesus for whatever these things are.... To forgive a person, we pardon a wrong
done to us. 'forgiving' Jesus means to release the hurt and resentment we hold against him. This
comes BEFORE understanding. We don't often know why things have happened the way they have
in our lives. What we do know is that we were hurt, and part of that hurt is toward Jesus, because
in our hearts we believe he let it happen. Again, this is not the time for sifting theological nuances,
but this is why it is so important for you to look at the world the way Jesus did- as a vicious battle
with evil. When you understand that you have an enemy that has hated your guts ever since you
were a child, it will help you not to blame this stuff on God. Anyhow, the facts are it happened, we
are hurt, and part of us believes Jesus should have done something about it, and didn't. That is why
we need to 'forgive' him. We do so in order that this part of us can draw near him again and receive
his love."
What I gleaned from that time of prayer is to let Jesus in. Let him in to all the disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness. It is proving to be an interesting process- given that I've spent a large majority of my life avoiding pain. Avoiding "ugly" emotions. Well, it seems, I'm no longer being allowed to do that. It does no good to avoid or pretend- only that which we expose to the presence of God can truly be changed or healed.
The other thing I want to address here is focus. Again- this is coming from a place of humility in saying that I am stumbling along trying to figure this out just as much as the next guy. But I want to say this: When it comes to dealing with disappointment, no matter what it is from, and we are tempted to believe that God won't be faithful or that He won't bring us through, I am learning to do what God commanded the Israelites to do as they were on their way to the promised land: Remember what he has done. Make an alter- figuratively speaking- of every place He has come through for you. If you have to write it out in a list, then do it. I've noticed when I choose to thank God for what I can, relying on the Holy Spirit to remind me of all those instances where God has come through in big and small ways, it causes my faith to rise up, and my fears to be silenced.
Disappointment. We've all been there at one time or another. And, I am fairly certain that it won't be the last time in the course of our earthly lives. We get disappointed when a tire pops on the freeway and we have to use all our savings to fix the car, when a child flunks out of school and has to redo that grade all over again, when someone fails us, we lose a job, a pregnancy, a loved one. You catch my drift. There can be a million different reasons why we land in the place of disappointment.
I want to touch on what we do when we become disappointed in God. It's not something Ive heard talked about much in church, or among leaders even. I've heard various verses thrown around "he gives and takes away", or "His ways are not our ways"- and all of those things are true- but that doesn't do much to change the fact that there is a rift and we don't know how to fix it. I know that I myself could barely admit that I have been there on more than one occasion. Almost like if I said it out loud, a bolt of lightening from heaven would come and strike me dead.
I have had certain expectations of God. Expectations I didn't know I had. I expected that since I'd already suffered so much, that I had met my quota and would suffer no more. I expected that my service to him during different seasons meant I wouldn't lose. In essence, it was all about religion. A series of deposits should equal a certain number of withdrawals, right? I had no idea what I was missing out on- relationally. He had so much more to give me.
Well, I hit a place recently with the miscarriages of tremendous pain, anger and resentment towards God. I was unwilling to admit it for fear I might collapse. Just poof- disappear into oblivion. You see- I KNOW that God is all I have. If I'm mad at him, then what hope do I have? What chance do I have of resolving my disappointment with a sovereign God who is by his very nature, GOOD? I knew something needed to be resolved. I knew there was a big wall in between him and me, and I wanted more than anything for that to be removed.
I met with a woman who I go to somewhat regularly for prayer ministry, and basically just sat down and told her where I was at. I wasn't sure how I got here. I felt tremendously confused and shaken to my core. I thought I was doing fine and then BAM. I hit a huge wall. We started praying and I asked God to show me the wall. I immediately saw a thick cement wall. I knew the wall was built of pain and disappointment. I knew that I had built the wall- unknowingly. I didn't know how to tear it down. We asked Jesus to show us how to take the wall down. I saw Him climb over the wall and embrace me and I began to weep. I was unable to contain the sorrow I had locked away in my heart. I understood that he wasn't asking me to change how I felt, but rather bring all of that stuff to him.
This wall had been built a long time ago in response to pain. It was built to protect me, and it did a fine job up until the point where it was no longer necessary or HEALTHY for me to keep it there.
All of a sudden I saw Jesus kneeling at my feet. He was asking me to forgive him for not healing me. I cannot adequately describe the pain I felt in that moment. Me? Forgive Jesus? Jesus did nothing wrong...but my heart needed to forgive him for not meeting my expectation. For allowing me to experience such tremendous heartache that I feared it would consume me. The forgiveness was for me- and it was so he and I could continue to enjoy unbroken relationship. I felt his deep sorrow for my loss. I felt his compassion. I know that there was not a moment of this process that he has left me alone and without help.
What does it mean to forgive Jesus? Well, I'm going to take an excerpt from "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge:
"Forgive God? This idea is going to cause some readers to freak out. Just listen for a moment. If
you are holding something in your heart against Jesus- the loss of someone you love, a painful
memory from your past, simply the way your life has turned out- if you are holding that against
Jesus, well then, it is between you and Jesus. . And no amount of ignoring it or being faithful in
other areas of your life is going to make it go away. In order to move forward, you are going to
have to forgive Jesus for whatever these things are.... To forgive a person, we pardon a wrong
done to us. 'forgiving' Jesus means to release the hurt and resentment we hold against him. This
comes BEFORE understanding. We don't often know why things have happened the way they have
in our lives. What we do know is that we were hurt, and part of that hurt is toward Jesus, because
in our hearts we believe he let it happen. Again, this is not the time for sifting theological nuances,
but this is why it is so important for you to look at the world the way Jesus did- as a vicious battle
with evil. When you understand that you have an enemy that has hated your guts ever since you
were a child, it will help you not to blame this stuff on God. Anyhow, the facts are it happened, we
are hurt, and part of us believes Jesus should have done something about it, and didn't. That is why
we need to 'forgive' him. We do so in order that this part of us can draw near him again and receive
his love."
What I gleaned from that time of prayer is to let Jesus in. Let him in to all the disappointment, pain, confusion and sadness. It is proving to be an interesting process- given that I've spent a large majority of my life avoiding pain. Avoiding "ugly" emotions. Well, it seems, I'm no longer being allowed to do that. It does no good to avoid or pretend- only that which we expose to the presence of God can truly be changed or healed.
The other thing I want to address here is focus. Again- this is coming from a place of humility in saying that I am stumbling along trying to figure this out just as much as the next guy. But I want to say this: When it comes to dealing with disappointment, no matter what it is from, and we are tempted to believe that God won't be faithful or that He won't bring us through, I am learning to do what God commanded the Israelites to do as they were on their way to the promised land: Remember what he has done. Make an alter- figuratively speaking- of every place He has come through for you. If you have to write it out in a list, then do it. I've noticed when I choose to thank God for what I can, relying on the Holy Spirit to remind me of all those instances where God has come through in big and small ways, it causes my faith to rise up, and my fears to be silenced.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
MTHFR! (Things aren't always as they seem!)
No...I was not cursing...MTHFR is the acronym for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. It is a genetic mutation that can cause numerous problems depending on which mutation you have. After seeing my naturopath to help get my hormones back in order after the second miscarriage, she suggested I have the testing done to see if I carry the gene that is linked to recurrent miscarriages (among other things such as heart disease, strokes, clotting...the list seems endless!). Basically, my body doesn't break down folic acid appropriately, which leads to the build up of homocysteine which is what causes all the dysfunction. Not just in my body, but can also cause neural tube defects in the growing baby. If we can bypass the folic acid and break it down FOR my body, we should be able to skip around the dysfunction and bring my body back into some sort of balance, and protect further pregnancies.
Lo and behold...I was positive for the mutation most linked to recurrent miscarriage, and likely what caused the massive subchorionic hemorrhage in the last pregnancy. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that we had a cause and it wasn't just a "fluke", and scared because I began to wonder if we would ever be able to have more kids again. Having 2 back to back miscarriages had begun to cloud my mind with questions and fears and unknowns.
I am a nerd at heart, and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really enjoy the research side of things, so I started researching this supplement and how it was supposed to benefit me. I'd read countless stories of people going from depressed and anxious to feeling "normal" for the first time in their entire life. It turns out, folate when broken down appropriately during the methylation process, is responsible for organizing your neurotransmitters-mainly serotonin and dopamine Who knew?! I however, did not have such pleasant side effects. I got a massive headache, followed by intense anxiety and irritability after just a few days. I stopped the L methylfolate, and started doing some more digging. This is supposed to be good for me, and clearly, based on testing, I need it...right? So, why do I feel like crap???
I emailed my naturopath, who advised me to cut way back on the supplement to see if that would help. Folate is technically a B vitamin, and can be stimulating to some people (me!). Ugh. Ok, so I cut way back and still felt foggy, irritable, anxious, and unable to sleep. I cut it out completely for a few days and started researching again. Apparently, long term use of high doses of B12 and other B vitamins, can cause a potassium deficiency. I have been taking large doses of B 12 for over a year due to the pyroluria and subsequent B deficiency. When one starts mehtylfolate, it drastically increases the demand for potassium within the cells causing hypokalemia (low potassium) and about a million different possible side effects. Since I had informed my naturopath that I was still feeling yucky, and had not heard back, I decided to get a potassium supplement and just hope for the best. I started taking it and then started taking the l methylfolate- no side effects! Yay! So...I am hoping to steadily increase the dosage of the methylfolate to what I'm actually supposed to be taking.
I'll be honest- I did not come at this whole process with a great attitude. I've been in such a rush to heal and move on that every little upset to that plan has tipped me over...not a great place to be. I've been frustrated that it's taking so long to heal. I've been angry that my body wasn't responding too well to the supplement, and that is ONE MORE DELAY to adding to our family. I've just been frustrated- even a bit hopeless at times. But, once I sat back and just accepted that this is where we are at, that it's taking longer than I would like, I've been a much easier person to be around. I've realized that in my rush to move forward, I haven't been enjoying the day to day- and that's not really ok with me. There is so much good in every day. So much to be grateful for, that we often miss out on it when we are so focused on all the is NOT working. Well, there's a lot that IS Working, and I think that deserves more of my focus and attention.
I have no idea what the future holds...and I've learned to just take things one day at a time. Trusting in God's perfect love and Father-ship- that he will be completely faithful to bring us to a place of abudance. Not lack.
Lo and behold...I was positive for the mutation most linked to recurrent miscarriage, and likely what caused the massive subchorionic hemorrhage in the last pregnancy. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that we had a cause and it wasn't just a "fluke", and scared because I began to wonder if we would ever be able to have more kids again. Having 2 back to back miscarriages had begun to cloud my mind with questions and fears and unknowns.
I am a nerd at heart, and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really enjoy the research side of things, so I started researching this supplement and how it was supposed to benefit me. I'd read countless stories of people going from depressed and anxious to feeling "normal" for the first time in their entire life. It turns out, folate when broken down appropriately during the methylation process, is responsible for organizing your neurotransmitters-mainly serotonin and dopamine Who knew?! I however, did not have such pleasant side effects. I got a massive headache, followed by intense anxiety and irritability after just a few days. I stopped the L methylfolate, and started doing some more digging. This is supposed to be good for me, and clearly, based on testing, I need it...right? So, why do I feel like crap???
I emailed my naturopath, who advised me to cut way back on the supplement to see if that would help. Folate is technically a B vitamin, and can be stimulating to some people (me!). Ugh. Ok, so I cut way back and still felt foggy, irritable, anxious, and unable to sleep. I cut it out completely for a few days and started researching again. Apparently, long term use of high doses of B12 and other B vitamins, can cause a potassium deficiency. I have been taking large doses of B 12 for over a year due to the pyroluria and subsequent B deficiency. When one starts mehtylfolate, it drastically increases the demand for potassium within the cells causing hypokalemia (low potassium) and about a million different possible side effects. Since I had informed my naturopath that I was still feeling yucky, and had not heard back, I decided to get a potassium supplement and just hope for the best. I started taking it and then started taking the l methylfolate- no side effects! Yay! So...I am hoping to steadily increase the dosage of the methylfolate to what I'm actually supposed to be taking.
I'll be honest- I did not come at this whole process with a great attitude. I've been in such a rush to heal and move on that every little upset to that plan has tipped me over...not a great place to be. I've been frustrated that it's taking so long to heal. I've been angry that my body wasn't responding too well to the supplement, and that is ONE MORE DELAY to adding to our family. I've just been frustrated- even a bit hopeless at times. But, once I sat back and just accepted that this is where we are at, that it's taking longer than I would like, I've been a much easier person to be around. I've realized that in my rush to move forward, I haven't been enjoying the day to day- and that's not really ok with me. There is so much good in every day. So much to be grateful for, that we often miss out on it when we are so focused on all the is NOT working. Well, there's a lot that IS Working, and I think that deserves more of my focus and attention.
I have no idea what the future holds...and I've learned to just take things one day at a time. Trusting in God's perfect love and Father-ship- that he will be completely faithful to bring us to a place of abudance. Not lack.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Jesus LOVES your process
I know I've written before about accepting that my journey has been so very different from others. Or so it seems, anyway. Accepting that I can't force it to fit the mold of anyone else's life or process. I often fear that others won't accept me because my life is too intense for them. I'm leaning to care less what other's think, but it has not been easy as I tend to fall very easily into the trap of people pleasing.
Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!
And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD. He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.
I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.
I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
Can I just say- grief sucks. I hate it. I feel like I've been grieving for years- the loss of my father, the loss of my mother to mental illness, and the loss of relationships with two of my siblings due to their disagreement with my life choices (aka going no-contact with an abuser). Sometimes it all catches up to me and I lose my breath. I feel I've been taken out more times than I could possibly recover from, and if I look at the wounds through my eyes and for too long, I quickly become overwhelmed. I quickly lose sight of Jesus, and the fact that He is carrying me through (Psalm 71:20). If I look too long at how weak and tired I am, I quickly forget that His spirit is STRONG in me. I forget that He is more invested in my healing than I am. I forget that He is furiously more passionate about my recovery and wholeness than I am, and I don't have to convince him to complete the work he started!
And this is what I'm learning. I've spent a fair amount of time feeling like I need to convince him of what I need. I approach the throne of grace tentatively, thinking that maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe he doesn't want to give that to me. Maybe I don't deserve another child or maybe I'm not good enough for x y or z. We beg him for love, friendship, healing and restoration. And you know what? we don't have to! I think most of us (myself included) have yet to realize the length that God has already gone to to insure victory for us. My wholeness is already paid for. Yours is too! God looks at us and says, without reservation, "I'm wholly committed to this one." And it is full of excitement and joy and not a hint of obligation. Yet, we feel we need to beg him for what he has already given freely and without hesitation. I am just now starting to grasp how much God loves our process. How much he loves PERIOD. He knew all of my days before there was yet one of them (Psalm 139:16). He knew the trouble that would come to me at a young age. He knew the suffering I would endure for years. He knew the persecution and loss that I would face trying to get free. He knew the babies I would lose, and EVERY OTHER BAD THING I will ever face and he has made a provision for every single one of those things. That provision has been made through the blood of Jesus, and all of my losses are being recovered through relationship with the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
That doesn't mean it has been easy or that it will get easier. Although victory has been paid in full, it is not without effort on my part (Ephesians 6). I still have to learn how to take up my weapons and fight for it because there is a vicious enemy who wants nothing more than to see me destroyed. He doesn't want to see me whole because I have a story that will be unleashed that will set the captives free. I still have to cooperate with Jesus when he shows me again that the path I'm walking is steep and dangerous and that I will have to confront more fears and giants. I'm learning perspective, because so often, His goal is different than mine. I want comfort-He wants character. He wants to produce in me a faith that is of more worth than gold and I want to step away from the flames. This is where I'm learning to get comfortable forgetting my own strength and leaning into His.
I pray that he would open our eyes, ears, and spirits to experience him daily. To experience how good his heart and thoughts are towards us- even in the midst of suffering and hardship. That we would experience the love that has made every provision for us.
I'll leave you with this to think on:
Romans 8:31-39 "31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Heartache and Finding Healing
As I've mentioned before, this miscarriage has been a lot tougher to recover from than the first. I've been caught off guard many times by how deeply invested I was in this pregnancy. Of course, I had about 6 ultrasounds in a 5 week period of time so I got to see the little guy move and grow much more frequently than any previous pregnancy due to the bleeding.
I have a tendency to repress or suppress emotions as a habit, but over the last 3 years in counseling and learning to process many events from my past, I've learned that there is value in the process. It is unpleasant, painful and incredibly hard to do sometimes. But I know that if I don't process it now, I'll pay for it later.
I had a dear, close friend call me the other day and tell me she is pregnant with their third child. I was not prepared at all for how sad this would make me feel. Of course, I am so happy for her! But I am sad for me. It would have been fun to be pregnant with a friend. It brought to the surface the fact that I would be finding out the sex of the baby right about now, and gosh darn it, I still just want to be pregnant! I had to keep moving with my day because I have a preschooler to raise and I can't just fall apart in front of her. I saved my tears for later and just let myself feel it all. I ugly cried and it felt good. The memories of laboring with babies I would never get to love on, and watch grow to be amazing and frustrating creatures. Letting that life slip from me because I had no other choice but to let them go. Ugh. I didn't know that one could grieve like this over something so "small".
I have a strong sense that this most recent baby was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt it from the start. And I'm really mad at myself for not examining to see if my suspicion was true at the moment of delivery. The pathology report didn't list whether it was female or male and that bother's me.
I think one of the more frustrating things about miscarriage is the sense that what you experienced isn't real because no one talks about it. No one mentions it unless you bring it up that you lost a child in that way and then they are quick to chime in and let you know that they are part of the illusive miscarriage club too. I think, in general, grief is something that is minimized, poorly understood and looked down upon in our culture. You're expected to behave as normal in spite of what you've just been through, be it the loss of a child, spouse, friend...and it's not healthy. We are human. We will experience a wide range of emotions and feelings while grieving. It won't last forever. What if instead of assuming that we should feel or be a certain way, we focused instead on processing WELL.
How does one process well? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is one has to feel safe enough to feel frightening emotions like anger, sadness, immense pain. And some of us can't do that alone. I am now at a place where I have learned how to comfort myself, and I've learned when it's okay to reach out for comfort from others. The second thing would be that you need to have a strong support system. Even if it's just two solid, strong support people. They will help you to have a sense of groundedness when you feel like the bottom just fell out from underneath you. The third thing- at least for me- is to give yourself time and space. Don't rush things. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to be in any other season but the one I'm in- where so many people around me are popping out babies like its nobody's business and it feels like everyone is moving forward and you're stuck at the train station.Not only that, people ask questions- that are well meaning-but cause pain, such as: "Arent you guys ready for number 2 yet?"...I can't help but bow my head in sorrow..."yes...of COURSE I'm ready for number 2. I've BEEN ready for number 2."
This verse has been etched in my heart and has become my prayer for this season: Habakkuk 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds's feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering or responsibility]!.." Even if, God forbid, I should never have another child, my prayer is that my HEART would remain full. That I would be able to make progress upon MY high places which right now happen to be painful and troublesome.
There is always hope in the middle of loss and chaos- even when it doesn't feel like it. We just keep moving, one foot at a time, one moment and day at a time. I'm choosing to live more purposefully on a daily basis so that I don't miss the GOOD there is in each day that I'm left waiting.
I have a tendency to repress or suppress emotions as a habit, but over the last 3 years in counseling and learning to process many events from my past, I've learned that there is value in the process. It is unpleasant, painful and incredibly hard to do sometimes. But I know that if I don't process it now, I'll pay for it later.
I had a dear, close friend call me the other day and tell me she is pregnant with their third child. I was not prepared at all for how sad this would make me feel. Of course, I am so happy for her! But I am sad for me. It would have been fun to be pregnant with a friend. It brought to the surface the fact that I would be finding out the sex of the baby right about now, and gosh darn it, I still just want to be pregnant! I had to keep moving with my day because I have a preschooler to raise and I can't just fall apart in front of her. I saved my tears for later and just let myself feel it all. I ugly cried and it felt good. The memories of laboring with babies I would never get to love on, and watch grow to be amazing and frustrating creatures. Letting that life slip from me because I had no other choice but to let them go. Ugh. I didn't know that one could grieve like this over something so "small".
I have a strong sense that this most recent baby was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way, but I felt it from the start. And I'm really mad at myself for not examining to see if my suspicion was true at the moment of delivery. The pathology report didn't list whether it was female or male and that bother's me.
I think one of the more frustrating things about miscarriage is the sense that what you experienced isn't real because no one talks about it. No one mentions it unless you bring it up that you lost a child in that way and then they are quick to chime in and let you know that they are part of the illusive miscarriage club too. I think, in general, grief is something that is minimized, poorly understood and looked down upon in our culture. You're expected to behave as normal in spite of what you've just been through, be it the loss of a child, spouse, friend...and it's not healthy. We are human. We will experience a wide range of emotions and feelings while grieving. It won't last forever. What if instead of assuming that we should feel or be a certain way, we focused instead on processing WELL.
How does one process well? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is one has to feel safe enough to feel frightening emotions like anger, sadness, immense pain. And some of us can't do that alone. I am now at a place where I have learned how to comfort myself, and I've learned when it's okay to reach out for comfort from others. The second thing would be that you need to have a strong support system. Even if it's just two solid, strong support people. They will help you to have a sense of groundedness when you feel like the bottom just fell out from underneath you. The third thing- at least for me- is to give yourself time and space. Don't rush things. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I want to be in any other season but the one I'm in- where so many people around me are popping out babies like its nobody's business and it feels like everyone is moving forward and you're stuck at the train station.Not only that, people ask questions- that are well meaning-but cause pain, such as: "Arent you guys ready for number 2 yet?"...I can't help but bow my head in sorrow..."yes...of COURSE I'm ready for number 2. I've BEEN ready for number 2."
This verse has been etched in my heart and has become my prayer for this season: Habakkuk 3:19 "The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds's feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering or responsibility]!.." Even if, God forbid, I should never have another child, my prayer is that my HEART would remain full. That I would be able to make progress upon MY high places which right now happen to be painful and troublesome.
There is always hope in the middle of loss and chaos- even when it doesn't feel like it. We just keep moving, one foot at a time, one moment and day at a time. I'm choosing to live more purposefully on a daily basis so that I don't miss the GOOD there is in each day that I'm left waiting.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
No matter what
Last week I kind of hit a low point. I started feeling a bit depressed and hopeless about the future. I wanted my heart to believe what my head knows- which is that God is good...all the time- but my heart was refusing to believe it, for whatever reason.
I began looking back at some promises. Promises that I know to be true for me. I know this because it resonates with every fiber of my being- yet they are things that I have not seen come to pass yet. These pomises have kept me going in times of drought or flood. I could hear the accuser making his case, and he made a strong one: "See...look at all God's let you go through. Would a kind and loving father do that? Would he? Doesn't he know you've been through too much? It's all just been too much. " I could hear it- but before I realized it, I began to partner with it. I began to believe the lie "you know, you're right. It has been too much! This is too much! What kind of Father allows his daughter to go through hell and then keeps giving her more? God- these promises should be mine by now!" and this continued until I was covered in a thick blanket of hopelessness. I then began to take on the responsibility of making those promises come to pass- have I done something wrong? Did I miss a turn somewhere? What could I do to convince God to bring these promises to pass sooner? And on top of that hopelessness was laid another thick and heavy blanket of false responsibility. I couldn't even pray- my mind was filled with fears of the future like never before.
I went to a friends house so our kids could play together while we just chatted about life and nothing in particular, and as I got ready to go, she said "hey, I wanna pray for you." So, of course I wasn't going to deny that! Boom...immediately the weight was lifted. I realized that I had partnered with the accuser and judged the goodness of God- she didn't say this, or insinuate- I just knew that I had. I don't honestly even remember what she prayed, but there was an immediate and permanent shift in my heart and outlook. I was suddenly able to embrace the truth with my whole heart that God has never failed me. He entrusted me to my parents who, for numerous reasons, left me with wounds and scars- but that was never his intent. People fail me. My body fails me- but he never has.
I want to be clear about something- there is NOTHING wrong with having an open and honest conversation with God about how you feel (read Job if you need some reassurance! Job lamented... God put him in his place but it was the relationship God was after and he loved Job for being honest before him.) It's perfectly ok, normal and even good to be angry, to be sad, and disappointed. There have been many, many times in my own life when self pity was the only way I could truly open the door to grief- simply because I wasn't often allowed the expression of deep emotions, so in order to truly "feel" my feelings, I had to go there. I don't stay there though. What I'm talking about is the enemy. He made a great case for God being an awful, unfaithful liar- and I believed him for a bit. It was easier than accepting the harsh reality of the circumstances and knowing there is no way around- just through. I didn't want to be brave. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I didn't want to have to walk through the fire anymore. My current circumstances were coming in direct conflict with the promises God made and I had a choice to make. I couldn't make that choice without some help, though, because there was something MISSING from my relationship with God. You see- from a very early age, I learned to be responsible for myself. I was child and parent in a lot of situations that should never have been. I provided for myself a way out, I protected myself. I made things happen so that I wouldn't experience pain... God knows this. He knew that I needed a revelation of Him as FATHER. Papa. As someone who was fully capable of taking care of what belonged to him- and wouldn't burden me with something that was no longer mine to carry. He knew that I needed to know this part of his character, otherwise I could make no further progress, and I would always be fearful of crumbling underneath harsh circumstances. But- when your Father is big and strong and loving? There is no room for fear
At the same time all of the above was happening, there had been placed on me a burden of false responsibility in regards to my mother, siblings and grandmother. All the SHOULDS and things I did wrong in their eyes came flooding forward. I noticed a distinct shift after my last conversation with my grandmother and that thought "it's all just been too much" was suddenly on repeat. I couldn't seem to get out from underneath it.
After my friend prayed, I had an immediate understanding that I had been carrying around this responsibility that had been placed on me through guilt and shame. I had internalized all the guilt, shame, condemnation and judgement that had been thrown at me by my family- all the things a "loving" daughter should and shouldn't do. Not only that, but I kept myself from experiencing the good and healthy relationships he has surrounded me with to HEAL me because I felt I didn't deserve it. Well- after that prayer- that thinking was gone. I had an understanding that I was HIS child, and that those things that had been placed on me by others were things I was no longer to partner with. Whow. It blows my mind!
Not only that- but I was able to internalize his kindness and compassion over the loss of my babies. There came a deeper understanding of the will of God- and this was not his will. Death, disease, etc- those were never in His will for us. Instead, I ask Him "Who do you want to be for me RIGHT NOW?" and the peace comes. The comfort comes. I can be disappointed and angry and sad with Him. I can feel my feelings, the sting of pain that comes unexpectedly- and he cares. He loves me. He is not indifferent to our suffering.
So, my prayer for anyone reading this is that you would have an experiential understanding of who God is for you right now. That we would sink our roots down deep into the love of God in such a way, that we would know that NO MATTER WHAT COMES- we are anchored in the One who loves us.
I began looking back at some promises. Promises that I know to be true for me. I know this because it resonates with every fiber of my being- yet they are things that I have not seen come to pass yet. These pomises have kept me going in times of drought or flood. I could hear the accuser making his case, and he made a strong one: "See...look at all God's let you go through. Would a kind and loving father do that? Would he? Doesn't he know you've been through too much? It's all just been too much. " I could hear it- but before I realized it, I began to partner with it. I began to believe the lie "you know, you're right. It has been too much! This is too much! What kind of Father allows his daughter to go through hell and then keeps giving her more? God- these promises should be mine by now!" and this continued until I was covered in a thick blanket of hopelessness. I then began to take on the responsibility of making those promises come to pass- have I done something wrong? Did I miss a turn somewhere? What could I do to convince God to bring these promises to pass sooner? And on top of that hopelessness was laid another thick and heavy blanket of false responsibility. I couldn't even pray- my mind was filled with fears of the future like never before.
I went to a friends house so our kids could play together while we just chatted about life and nothing in particular, and as I got ready to go, she said "hey, I wanna pray for you." So, of course I wasn't going to deny that! Boom...immediately the weight was lifted. I realized that I had partnered with the accuser and judged the goodness of God- she didn't say this, or insinuate- I just knew that I had. I don't honestly even remember what she prayed, but there was an immediate and permanent shift in my heart and outlook. I was suddenly able to embrace the truth with my whole heart that God has never failed me. He entrusted me to my parents who, for numerous reasons, left me with wounds and scars- but that was never his intent. People fail me. My body fails me- but he never has.
I want to be clear about something- there is NOTHING wrong with having an open and honest conversation with God about how you feel (read Job if you need some reassurance! Job lamented... God put him in his place but it was the relationship God was after and he loved Job for being honest before him.) It's perfectly ok, normal and even good to be angry, to be sad, and disappointed. There have been many, many times in my own life when self pity was the only way I could truly open the door to grief- simply because I wasn't often allowed the expression of deep emotions, so in order to truly "feel" my feelings, I had to go there. I don't stay there though. What I'm talking about is the enemy. He made a great case for God being an awful, unfaithful liar- and I believed him for a bit. It was easier than accepting the harsh reality of the circumstances and knowing there is no way around- just through. I didn't want to be brave. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. I didn't want to have to walk through the fire anymore. My current circumstances were coming in direct conflict with the promises God made and I had a choice to make. I couldn't make that choice without some help, though, because there was something MISSING from my relationship with God. You see- from a very early age, I learned to be responsible for myself. I was child and parent in a lot of situations that should never have been. I provided for myself a way out, I protected myself. I made things happen so that I wouldn't experience pain... God knows this. He knew that I needed a revelation of Him as FATHER. Papa. As someone who was fully capable of taking care of what belonged to him- and wouldn't burden me with something that was no longer mine to carry. He knew that I needed to know this part of his character, otherwise I could make no further progress, and I would always be fearful of crumbling underneath harsh circumstances. But- when your Father is big and strong and loving? There is no room for fear
At the same time all of the above was happening, there had been placed on me a burden of false responsibility in regards to my mother, siblings and grandmother. All the SHOULDS and things I did wrong in their eyes came flooding forward. I noticed a distinct shift after my last conversation with my grandmother and that thought "it's all just been too much" was suddenly on repeat. I couldn't seem to get out from underneath it.
After my friend prayed, I had an immediate understanding that I had been carrying around this responsibility that had been placed on me through guilt and shame. I had internalized all the guilt, shame, condemnation and judgement that had been thrown at me by my family- all the things a "loving" daughter should and shouldn't do. Not only that, but I kept myself from experiencing the good and healthy relationships he has surrounded me with to HEAL me because I felt I didn't deserve it. Well- after that prayer- that thinking was gone. I had an understanding that I was HIS child, and that those things that had been placed on me by others were things I was no longer to partner with. Whow. It blows my mind!
Not only that- but I was able to internalize his kindness and compassion over the loss of my babies. There came a deeper understanding of the will of God- and this was not his will. Death, disease, etc- those were never in His will for us. Instead, I ask Him "Who do you want to be for me RIGHT NOW?" and the peace comes. The comfort comes. I can be disappointed and angry and sad with Him. I can feel my feelings, the sting of pain that comes unexpectedly- and he cares. He loves me. He is not indifferent to our suffering.
So, my prayer for anyone reading this is that you would have an experiential understanding of who God is for you right now. That we would sink our roots down deep into the love of God in such a way, that we would know that NO MATTER WHAT COMES- we are anchored in the One who loves us.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Joseph and His Coat
I'm going to share something I should have written about 6 months ago but somehow slipped from my mind until recently.
I've always loved the story of Joseph. I think perhaps I relate to his life in many ways, being abandoned, thrown into a pit and sold by his brothers who were jealous of his "place" in his family, to being thrown into a number of other hypothetical and literal "pits" for various reasons before finally being promoted to king. This will all make sense at the end : )
I'm going to paraphrase Genesis 37 because it's chock full of details that are important, but I kind of want to nutshell it- please read the whole chapter to get the full story : )
Israel was Joseph's father. Joseph was the youngest of many brothers, and it says that Israel loved Joseph more than the other brothers because he was born to Israel in his old age, and out of that love, Israel made Joseph an "ornate" robe for him. It seems kind of mean that Israel loved Joseph more- but there is cultural significance to this and it wasn't entirely uncommon. Children born at a parent's old age was considered a blessing from God because it didn't happen often. Having many children was an indication of being blessed and meant the continuation of a family heritage.
The word then goes on to say that Josephs brothers grew to hate him because their father showed him special favor.
This is where I want to pause and point out the significance (I believe) of the robe. The robe symbolized Joseph's place in the family. It was his identity in a way- and it was displayed for all his brothers to see. He was the youngest and so therefore didn't have the same birthright that a first born would have, yet, he was obviously favored by his father.
Joseph was a "seer". He had dreams from a young age of his brother's and parents bowing down before him. Now, I'm not entirely sure why he decided to share that with his brothers- but at that point, they became jealous and were filled with hatred. It says that while his father rebuked him for the dream, Israel kept the matter in mind- meaning that he pondered it and didn't throw it out. t was at that point that Joseph's brothers began to plot ways to get rid of Joseph.
His brothers had devised a way to kill Joseph making it look like an animal had eaten him, but one of Joseph's brothers- Reuban, obviously torn- convinced them NOT to kill Joseph, but to throw him into a cistern, and then planned to come rescue Joseph later while the other brothers were gone.
Now, I've heard and read this story a hundred or more times. But on a particular day months ago, this verse stood out to me: "So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— 24 and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."
They stripped him of his robe- his identity within the family line that symbolized his father's favor and love that they were highly jealous of. Whoa.
They attempted to kill him, but thought better of it and decided to sell him into slavery instead, where he spent some time in prison. He was eventually promoted from prison and became the King's right hand man. He became highly favored, and indeed, his brothers came back and did bow before him- as he had dreamed so many years before.
The part that I identified with is the stripping of the robe. I can't really articulate how painful of a process that is. And the process of reestablishing your identity once it's been stripped at is equally as painful. I was raised in a family system that placed a high value on conformity- I had to play my part for my own survival, but on my own, I had no REAL value. My identity and value was solely for the function of the system as a whole (which to this day is a very warped and toxic system). Once I stopped meeting the needs of the whole- I was thrown out. This became clear to me as I began to heal and God began to give me pictures and ideas of who I was to him- my value as a person, a daughter to Him. As I began to wear that "robe" or identity, so to speak, there was definite opposition to that identity because it no longer met the needs of the toxic family system.
In many ways, I was stripped of my identity at a young age. The gifts and the heart that God had made with such care (Psalm 139- this is true for EVERYONE- not just me), were chipped away, little by little until only fragments remained. He desired to bestow upon me this beautiful robe- which I believe we now see referred to in Isaiah 61:10 "For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest..." The righteousness that Jesus purchased for us on the cross IS our identity- we now stand before God the father as a much loved child- in a beautiful robe that signifies our placement and our value to him. That's signed, sealed and delivered- but the process of RESTORING that identity, and establishing it so it becomes a healthy and functioning core can take quite some time. We need to colabor with Jesus in the process.
I was blown away by the symbolism in this but also how it corresponds to what Jesus has done- He has already made a provision for our identity on the cross. It's a sealed deal. People may try to steal that, they may try to rip off that garment, slander it, destroy it (for numerous reasons- but jealousy and hatred are two of the main attitudes you will see), but it's a sealed deal. And God is protective of that robe. It is highly valuable to him, and it ought to be highly valuable to us too- we need to cooperate with him in protecting that identity.
My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Holy Spirit would begin to minister to those places where your identity has been stripped away- by life, by the world, by people- and that he would begin to take you on a journey of restoring those places to wholeness and complete healing.
Be blessed this week!
I've always loved the story of Joseph. I think perhaps I relate to his life in many ways, being abandoned, thrown into a pit and sold by his brothers who were jealous of his "place" in his family, to being thrown into a number of other hypothetical and literal "pits" for various reasons before finally being promoted to king. This will all make sense at the end : )
I'm going to paraphrase Genesis 37 because it's chock full of details that are important, but I kind of want to nutshell it- please read the whole chapter to get the full story : )
Israel was Joseph's father. Joseph was the youngest of many brothers, and it says that Israel loved Joseph more than the other brothers because he was born to Israel in his old age, and out of that love, Israel made Joseph an "ornate" robe for him. It seems kind of mean that Israel loved Joseph more- but there is cultural significance to this and it wasn't entirely uncommon. Children born at a parent's old age was considered a blessing from God because it didn't happen often. Having many children was an indication of being blessed and meant the continuation of a family heritage.
The word then goes on to say that Josephs brothers grew to hate him because their father showed him special favor.
This is where I want to pause and point out the significance (I believe) of the robe. The robe symbolized Joseph's place in the family. It was his identity in a way- and it was displayed for all his brothers to see. He was the youngest and so therefore didn't have the same birthright that a first born would have, yet, he was obviously favored by his father.
Joseph was a "seer". He had dreams from a young age of his brother's and parents bowing down before him. Now, I'm not entirely sure why he decided to share that with his brothers- but at that point, they became jealous and were filled with hatred. It says that while his father rebuked him for the dream, Israel kept the matter in mind- meaning that he pondered it and didn't throw it out. t was at that point that Joseph's brothers began to plot ways to get rid of Joseph.
His brothers had devised a way to kill Joseph making it look like an animal had eaten him, but one of Joseph's brothers- Reuban, obviously torn- convinced them NOT to kill Joseph, but to throw him into a cistern, and then planned to come rescue Joseph later while the other brothers were gone.
Now, I've heard and read this story a hundred or more times. But on a particular day months ago, this verse stood out to me: "So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— 24 and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."
They stripped him of his robe- his identity within the family line that symbolized his father's favor and love that they were highly jealous of. Whoa.
They attempted to kill him, but thought better of it and decided to sell him into slavery instead, where he spent some time in prison. He was eventually promoted from prison and became the King's right hand man. He became highly favored, and indeed, his brothers came back and did bow before him- as he had dreamed so many years before.
The part that I identified with is the stripping of the robe. I can't really articulate how painful of a process that is. And the process of reestablishing your identity once it's been stripped at is equally as painful. I was raised in a family system that placed a high value on conformity- I had to play my part for my own survival, but on my own, I had no REAL value. My identity and value was solely for the function of the system as a whole (which to this day is a very warped and toxic system). Once I stopped meeting the needs of the whole- I was thrown out. This became clear to me as I began to heal and God began to give me pictures and ideas of who I was to him- my value as a person, a daughter to Him. As I began to wear that "robe" or identity, so to speak, there was definite opposition to that identity because it no longer met the needs of the toxic family system.
In many ways, I was stripped of my identity at a young age. The gifts and the heart that God had made with such care (Psalm 139- this is true for EVERYONE- not just me), were chipped away, little by little until only fragments remained. He desired to bestow upon me this beautiful robe- which I believe we now see referred to in Isaiah 61:10 "For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest..." The righteousness that Jesus purchased for us on the cross IS our identity- we now stand before God the father as a much loved child- in a beautiful robe that signifies our placement and our value to him. That's signed, sealed and delivered- but the process of RESTORING that identity, and establishing it so it becomes a healthy and functioning core can take quite some time. We need to colabor with Jesus in the process.
I was blown away by the symbolism in this but also how it corresponds to what Jesus has done- He has already made a provision for our identity on the cross. It's a sealed deal. People may try to steal that, they may try to rip off that garment, slander it, destroy it (for numerous reasons- but jealousy and hatred are two of the main attitudes you will see), but it's a sealed deal. And God is protective of that robe. It is highly valuable to him, and it ought to be highly valuable to us too- we need to cooperate with him in protecting that identity.
My prayer for anyone reading this is that the Holy Spirit would begin to minister to those places where your identity has been stripped away- by life, by the world, by people- and that he would begin to take you on a journey of restoring those places to wholeness and complete healing.
Be blessed this week!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day and my crazy family of origin
Mother's day brings a mixed bag of emotions for me. For those those who haven't been following me for long, I am currently not in relationship with my mother. I went no contact about a year ago, and I celebrate mother's day very differently than I did in years past. I used to try to ignore the dread that would fill my heart, mind and body as I would walk down the card aisle and try to find a card that fit. There is no card that says "Happy Mother's day...I love you because I'm called to." I would inevitably go for the blank card in which I would then think of things that I loved about my mother without having to say "Thanks for being the best mom in the world"...because that was something I still cannot say.
About 2 weeks ago, my grandmother (my mom's mom) began calling me daily. I haven't heard from her in months. I figured something was up and though I was filled with dread at having to talk to her on the phone, knowing she would likely try to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, I called her. My mother's cancer is back. She said she wanted to know how involved I wanted to be. Believe it or not, after all the work I've done to heal- I still have a very hard time being honest and saying what I think when it comes to these women in my family. They intimidate the poo out of me on most occasions. So, I did what I "should" do and told her I wouldn't mind updates. In case it hasn't become readily apparent, the women in my family seem to have some confusion when it comes to boundaries. I didn't want daily updates- I'm not in a relationship with my mother, and her health status is no different than it was a year ago other than that instead of her being cured, the cancer has come back, but the prognosis is the same. Instead of telling my grandma the truth in confidence knowing I can make sound and wise decisions- I cowered and told her "sure, you can update me" when really I should have asked her to update my husband so he could be the filter. Well, I was not blunt and I paid for it. She called me EVERY DAY for 2 weeks. Now, keep in mind, I was already under tremendous strain due to the pregnancy complications, and was feeling overwhelmed as it was. I did not have the energy or desire to be dealing with this woman again.
I let every call go to voicemail- because I knew if I told her I needed my husband to take her calls, she would ask why- and I was not about to tell the queen of the family gossip mill that I was pregnant- my family would have jumped on that wagon like a swarm of bees to honey. No thank you. This apparently pissed her off, even though I kindly texted her and let her know I had been receiving medical updates from my brother and was well informed- that she didn't need to worry about keeping me in the loop. After a week and half of dodging her calls-again, simply because I was emotionally worn out and exhausted from pregnancy, my husband called her. Neither of us were prepared for her response. I was in the other room when my husband made the call, and I could immediately hear that my grandma was not happy that it was him and not me calling. I could hear her yelling at him through the phone...from the other room..."I will NOT go through a third party to speak to MY granddaughter. I have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment." My husband was like "what are you talking about? My wife simply asked me to call you because she is in the middle of taking care of some very important health issues...this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. She simply asked me to get the information from you." He then proceeded to ask her if she would give him the information so he could tell me. Her reply "no. she can call me when she is ready." Wow. I was stunned- although I really shouldn't have been. This is not at all outside of the norm of behavior in our family.
To say I'm had it with dealing with these crazy ladies is a vast understatement. I cannot describe the level of exhaustion I feel when it comes to dealing with them. I then received a text message from one of my close friends. It was a screen shot of a message that my sister (who is not friends with her and has only met her once) sent to her. My sister was asking this friend if she had noticed any "strange behavior" in me or my husband over the last 6 months as she was very "concerned" that my husband had become controlling and was somehow making me do all these "crazy" things, as she had observed him to become controlling in the last 6 months. I believe in her mind, me standing up for myself and not putting up with their awful behavior is considered crazy. My whole family seems to think that my husband protecting me on certain issues means that he is feeding me lies and forcing opinions and making me step away from the family. They couldn't be farther from the truth!!! I just laughed and shook my head. Why? Well...I haven't spoken to my sister in over 6 months. She hasn't seen me or my husband in almost a year. So, how could she have observed abusive and controlling behavior on the part of my husband if she has seen neither of us in that 6 month period of time that she is claiming to have observed this??? Interesting isn't it...
I had two choices- I could ignore this and let her continue to believe she was getting away with talking to others behind my back and thinking I had no idea, or I could address it head on and attempt to put a stop to her shenanigans. I was not responding with any real sense of hope that she would internalize any of this and have a change of heart- I was doing this for me. After being silent and just taking the emotional beatings for years upon years, It is important for me to recognize the times when I can say something and it be beneficial only for me. I decided on the latter. I messaged my sister and pointed out that indeed her message to my friend was vastly inappropriate because she was attempting to come across as caring and concerned, when in fact, she had left out numerous details in an attempt to lead my friend astray and make me look bad. I pointed out that I thought it very strange that she claimed to have observed controlling behavior on the part of my husband in the last 6 months when she hadn't seen or spoken to either of us during that time. I also explained to her that my husband has not forced my hand or opinion in any matter. I have a mind of my own. I am of sound mind (how many times do I have to say it?!). I make my own decisions and my husband backs me up. I allow him to stand in and protect me when he feels the need to do that- which is both biblical and GOOD. I explained to her that she could think what she wanted of me and there was nothing I could do to change that, but that she was essentially calling good evil and evil good and that simply did not work for me because it was destroying any chance of a healthy relationship between us. I explained to her that if she wanted to stay and continue the family's way of "loving" and doing things, I would not stop her...but I had had it with her trying to drag me back into the pit that I have spent years trying to climb out of. I told her that I loved her- deeply, that I saw a better way for her in which she could be free and healthy and whole, but that the way she was doing things was, again, in no way healthy and I didn't see how there could be relationship between us when she continued to sabotage it with destructive behavior.
I do not want to come across as lacking compassion or empathy, both for my mom's illness and my other family members state of mind. I really don't know what I'm going to do in regards to my mother, other than that I will wait until I hear a word from the Lord. He has been beyond clear and adament that I stay put- I am not to have contact with her right now. Until I hear otherwise- even though I'm terrified of the backlash I will receive- I will stay put. In regards to my sister- I have a pretty strong sense as to what she is acting out of and truthfully, it breaks my heart. I want so desperately for her to be free. But there is something that I have learned the very painful and hard way and that is that sometimes our empathy is wasted on people who have no desire to to change or pursue life and wholeness. They are hell bent on destruction and are willing to take anyone and everyone down with them. We can follow Jesus's example and ask for discernment as to the hard situations in which we are called to stay, and the equally as hard (if not more so) situations in which we are called to leave and pursue all that He has for us.
I'm feeling pretty worn out- with the miscarriage, and my family's crazy, unrelenting pursuit of me. I have actually considered entering the witness protection program, but apparently that's not something you can just walk in and sign up for...sigh...
About 2 weeks ago, my grandmother (my mom's mom) began calling me daily. I haven't heard from her in months. I figured something was up and though I was filled with dread at having to talk to her on the phone, knowing she would likely try to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, I called her. My mother's cancer is back. She said she wanted to know how involved I wanted to be. Believe it or not, after all the work I've done to heal- I still have a very hard time being honest and saying what I think when it comes to these women in my family. They intimidate the poo out of me on most occasions. So, I did what I "should" do and told her I wouldn't mind updates. In case it hasn't become readily apparent, the women in my family seem to have some confusion when it comes to boundaries. I didn't want daily updates- I'm not in a relationship with my mother, and her health status is no different than it was a year ago other than that instead of her being cured, the cancer has come back, but the prognosis is the same. Instead of telling my grandma the truth in confidence knowing I can make sound and wise decisions- I cowered and told her "sure, you can update me" when really I should have asked her to update my husband so he could be the filter. Well, I was not blunt and I paid for it. She called me EVERY DAY for 2 weeks. Now, keep in mind, I was already under tremendous strain due to the pregnancy complications, and was feeling overwhelmed as it was. I did not have the energy or desire to be dealing with this woman again.
I let every call go to voicemail- because I knew if I told her I needed my husband to take her calls, she would ask why- and I was not about to tell the queen of the family gossip mill that I was pregnant- my family would have jumped on that wagon like a swarm of bees to honey. No thank you. This apparently pissed her off, even though I kindly texted her and let her know I had been receiving medical updates from my brother and was well informed- that she didn't need to worry about keeping me in the loop. After a week and half of dodging her calls-again, simply because I was emotionally worn out and exhausted from pregnancy, my husband called her. Neither of us were prepared for her response. I was in the other room when my husband made the call, and I could immediately hear that my grandma was not happy that it was him and not me calling. I could hear her yelling at him through the phone...from the other room..."I will NOT go through a third party to speak to MY granddaughter. I have done NOTHING to deserve this treatment." My husband was like "what are you talking about? My wife simply asked me to call you because she is in the middle of taking care of some very important health issues...this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. She simply asked me to get the information from you." He then proceeded to ask her if she would give him the information so he could tell me. Her reply "no. she can call me when she is ready." Wow. I was stunned- although I really shouldn't have been. This is not at all outside of the norm of behavior in our family.
To say I'm had it with dealing with these crazy ladies is a vast understatement. I cannot describe the level of exhaustion I feel when it comes to dealing with them. I then received a text message from one of my close friends. It was a screen shot of a message that my sister (who is not friends with her and has only met her once) sent to her. My sister was asking this friend if she had noticed any "strange behavior" in me or my husband over the last 6 months as she was very "concerned" that my husband had become controlling and was somehow making me do all these "crazy" things, as she had observed him to become controlling in the last 6 months. I believe in her mind, me standing up for myself and not putting up with their awful behavior is considered crazy. My whole family seems to think that my husband protecting me on certain issues means that he is feeding me lies and forcing opinions and making me step away from the family. They couldn't be farther from the truth!!! I just laughed and shook my head. Why? Well...I haven't spoken to my sister in over 6 months. She hasn't seen me or my husband in almost a year. So, how could she have observed abusive and controlling behavior on the part of my husband if she has seen neither of us in that 6 month period of time that she is claiming to have observed this??? Interesting isn't it...
I had two choices- I could ignore this and let her continue to believe she was getting away with talking to others behind my back and thinking I had no idea, or I could address it head on and attempt to put a stop to her shenanigans. I was not responding with any real sense of hope that she would internalize any of this and have a change of heart- I was doing this for me. After being silent and just taking the emotional beatings for years upon years, It is important for me to recognize the times when I can say something and it be beneficial only for me. I decided on the latter. I messaged my sister and pointed out that indeed her message to my friend was vastly inappropriate because she was attempting to come across as caring and concerned, when in fact, she had left out numerous details in an attempt to lead my friend astray and make me look bad. I pointed out that I thought it very strange that she claimed to have observed controlling behavior on the part of my husband in the last 6 months when she hadn't seen or spoken to either of us during that time. I also explained to her that my husband has not forced my hand or opinion in any matter. I have a mind of my own. I am of sound mind (how many times do I have to say it?!). I make my own decisions and my husband backs me up. I allow him to stand in and protect me when he feels the need to do that- which is both biblical and GOOD. I explained to her that she could think what she wanted of me and there was nothing I could do to change that, but that she was essentially calling good evil and evil good and that simply did not work for me because it was destroying any chance of a healthy relationship between us. I explained to her that if she wanted to stay and continue the family's way of "loving" and doing things, I would not stop her...but I had had it with her trying to drag me back into the pit that I have spent years trying to climb out of. I told her that I loved her- deeply, that I saw a better way for her in which she could be free and healthy and whole, but that the way she was doing things was, again, in no way healthy and I didn't see how there could be relationship between us when she continued to sabotage it with destructive behavior.
I do not want to come across as lacking compassion or empathy, both for my mom's illness and my other family members state of mind. I really don't know what I'm going to do in regards to my mother, other than that I will wait until I hear a word from the Lord. He has been beyond clear and adament that I stay put- I am not to have contact with her right now. Until I hear otherwise- even though I'm terrified of the backlash I will receive- I will stay put. In regards to my sister- I have a pretty strong sense as to what she is acting out of and truthfully, it breaks my heart. I want so desperately for her to be free. But there is something that I have learned the very painful and hard way and that is that sometimes our empathy is wasted on people who have no desire to to change or pursue life and wholeness. They are hell bent on destruction and are willing to take anyone and everyone down with them. We can follow Jesus's example and ask for discernment as to the hard situations in which we are called to stay, and the equally as hard (if not more so) situations in which we are called to leave and pursue all that He has for us.
I'm feeling pretty worn out- with the miscarriage, and my family's crazy, unrelenting pursuit of me. I have actually considered entering the witness protection program, but apparently that's not something you can just walk in and sign up for...sigh...
Friday, May 9, 2014
God and Suffering
I know…I'm sure the title wants to make you want to read more! juuuuuusssstttt kidding. But I do think this is a very important topic because we ALL will suffer at varying degrees throughout our lives. Some of us seem to suffer more than others, and I would love to have the answer as to why that is…but I don't.
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
I lost a part of my future on Sunday. Some people have said "Thank God it was so early!" or "It could have been worse", or "at least you didn't meet the baby first." Well, all of these things are true to some extent, but the amount of grief I'm allowed to feel can't be measured by how long I was pregnant. God created our bodies in such an intricate way that the very first thing that happens after that baby implants itself and starts growing inside your womb is ATTACHMENT. So, whether I liked it or not- I attached to that little life budding inside of me. It represented a future for me and my husband, a sibling for our daughter, among many other things. It's not just a hormonal thing that causes us to love the little seed growing inside our bellies, although that is also part of God's amazing design in order for both mother and baby to survive.
I want to touch on some things- partly for my own processing- but also anyone who is experiencing any type of suffering. The first thing I want to address is something very well meaning people say when something awful happens: "It was God's will". Well, actually, no it wasn't. Death was never part of God's original design. If we go WAAAAYYYY back to the very beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the sea, the animals and Adam and Eve. There was no evil. There was no disease. There was no death. There was no separation. There was no suffering. There was, however, God's greatest gift: the gift of free will, which was an act of His love for us. God knew that if we were to truly experience love, it had to be a choice. So, he gave man that choice, and with that choice, sin entered the picture. And with sin came death, rape, incest, murder, slavery and disease. In a word: suffering.
It sounds pretty grim and dark until we realize that JESUS- our redemption- was ALSO planned from the very beginning: John 1:1 "In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God [b]Himself."
Ok- we will come back to that, but let me say- God didn't take my baby from me. It wasn't his will that I be robbed of this joy and a part of my future. The word says in John 5:19 "So Jesus answered them by saying, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, the Son is able to do nothing of Himself (of His own accord); but He is able to do only what He sees the Father doing, for whatever the Father does is what the Son does in the same way [in His turn]." We MUST look to Jesus to know the Father's heart towards us when the you-know-what hits the fan and all goes dark and ugly. What did Jesus come to do? John 10:10 paints a good picture of this "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may haveand enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it [a]overflows)." For further description of what Jesus came to do- please read Isaiah 61. With these two scriptures in mind, we can KNOW that God is wholly good. There is no bad in him. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5). He is truth. He is life.
I'm assuming I'm not the only one to ask this question- since God is good, and it was not his will that I miscarry (insert pain and suffering here), then why did I? Well… the truth is, I really don't have an answer for that, other than that we live in a fallen world that is exposed to death. I wish I understood it more. But the one thing I do know, is that since God is good- I can fully expect his provision, strength, and comfort. I don't have to harden myself to pain and sorrow due to the idea that it was Gods will that I suffer- because it's simply not true. There are so many people whose grief is short circuited and their wholeness never realized because they believe the lie that it was Gods will for them to suffer. Sometimes it's self preservation- "since it was Gods will- I can't be angry with him because he is GOD! I'll hide my grief because that would call into question the character of God." Well, we have to remember that God made us, and anyone who has experienced grief in it's fullness will walk through a wide range of emotions- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. He is not afraid of our emotions, but I believe he longs to be the source of comfort and strength along the way.
I realize every day that I have a choice. I can shut my heart off, turn it away from
my creator out of pain and sorrow because it hurts to expose my pain. Or I can choose to expose myself to His goodness because I desperately need it. Since I am in Christ- so are all my circumstances. I want to be clear though- in no way is this fun or easy. Jesus makes it easier because He ministers to us, but it is still very hard and painful. The truth is- my body is weak from 5 weeks of modified bed rest and the loss of blood, my emotions are worn thin, and my heart is aching. I'm not sleeping well, and I have a very strong willed 3 year old who is testing the limits of my sanity and patience. The fact that my boobs no longer hurt and I'm no longer nauseous to the point of dry heaving the NOTHING I had all day makes me weep.
On another note- I didn't realize how terribly I missed wrestling and tickling that little fire brand of mine until I COULD. I laughed until I cried because I realized- just like me- it had been a while since she had laughed too and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure her love language is wrestling and tickling…you will win her over in a matter of minutes if you do that!
I'll leave you with this…
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Monday, May 5, 2014
For every problem...
Well, I guess it's about time I write about this here since it's kind of been all consuming for some weeks now. I found out I was pregnant again in the middle of March. I started out very fearful- would I miscarry again? What if I couldn't have more children? Could I handle another miscarriage so soon? But…it was too late- I was already on that ride whether I was really ready to be or not. Because of my fear, I had asked the OB's office to do repeat HCG's at the beginning to ease my mind. It did the exact opposite because my numbers were "lower than they would like them to be" (although I later found out it was only because I was much earlier than we thought and the numbers were well within the normal range.) Because I was new to this particular practice- no doctor called me back. In fact, the office never even called me back after telling me my numbers weren't normal and we would just have to wait and see. Panic ensued. I was immediately right back in that ultrasound room where I learned that the second baby had died. It was not a pretty day.
Finally, however, one of the OB's called me back and assured me my numbers were well within the normal range for where I was at, and the only real way we could determine the health of the pregnancy was to do an internal ultrasound (aka transvaginal)…sounds fun eh?
That was at 5 weeks, so we really couldn't see anything besides the gestational sac (which is the first "structure" to develop inside the womb). Everything looked healthy and I was told to be seen in 2 weeks to see the development. Well, the day of my appointment, I started bleeding. Not just a little spot, but a full on gush of blood. I was terrified. I could not believe this was happening again. I thought for sure I had just miscarried so I called the OB's office and they got me in that day.
I had prepared myself for the worst and fully expected to see nothing on the ultrasound. But, to our surprise, the baby was there with a strong heart beat, measuring 7 1/2 weeks- right on schedule. They also saw the area of bleeding. They couldn't tell at that point where it was coming from, but the most likely cause is called a subchorionic bleed or hemorrhage and occurs when the egg first implants into the uterus and the placenta and amniotic sac starts to form- it doesn't attach all the way and the blood vessels leak inside the uterus. I was told to keep my fingers crossed, rest and we would just have to wait and see.
Because of the recent miscarriage- I was terrified of losing this one too. It definitely hit on some nerves emotionally and spiritually. Why was this happening again? It felt unfair because seeing blood on a daily basis is not only abnormal, but a bit triggering when you've lost a pregnancy in that way already. I wrestled pretty good with this for almost two weeks. I didn't realize it in the moment, but I was trying to bargain and perform so that God would give me a good outcome- yet, I know that this is largely based in a lie. I have done nothing to deserve God's grace and goodness in my life, and this situation is not punishment for any wrongdoing- yet, my automatic fall back was to perform so as not to experience another loss or disappointment. It was a rough two weeks because I desperately wanted to fall back on that performance, yet I knew nothing good would come of it. This could work out fine and it would have nothing to do with me, or it could end in the worst way and it would have nothing to do with how good I am.
I had another massive bleed at around 9 weeks, and ended up going to the ER because I just kept bleeding for hours and was afraid I was hemorrhaging. The baby looked good, but the bleed had actually GROWN and was completely surrounding the baby. I felt completely helpless. But, I had a pretty strong feeling that God was working on something in my heart because I could not rest. I felt restless and helpless. Not a good combination. Something needed to be settled. I knew it had something to do with performance, but I still couldn't put my finger on it. What it finally came down to was that I wanted God to do what I wanted, and I was not trusting that no matter what the outcome was- good or bad- that He would provide for me in every way that I needed. I also decided at this point that I wasn't NOT going to celebrate the pregnancy and treat it like any other pregnancy just because I was afraid of miscarriage. A million things could go wrong at ANY time during pregnancy- I wasn't going to deny myself the joy of that out of fear of losing.
I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but after a prayer time with a friend in which I asked for healing of my physical body, we also asked that I would understand what the Holy Spirit was praying for so that I could begin to agree with him. I saw a picture of Jesus holding one hand and the Holy Spirit holding my other hand and I knew I had a choice- I could grab hold of both of them, or I could hold onto this notion that the outcome of my situation had something to do with my performance and continue to try and control things. I decided to let go of that notion and grab ahold of the the only one that I knew would not fail me- even if this ended poorly- and that was Jesus. I wouldn't say it was immediate, but I definitely noticed over the next few days just an immense peace wash over me. I knew that God was walking me through this one step at a time. I didn't know the outcome but I felt protected and covered and fathered in a way that was incredibly intimate I can't fully explain.
**You can see below what are called placental lakes- the small black circle and the large black areas surrounding the gestational sac and baby is all blood. In a normal ultrasound- it would be grey indicating nothing else in the uterus but baby, placenta and sac.**
*** WARNING- the next part is somewhat graphic***
I went in for my weekly scan at 11 weeks and again the baby looked great. I could see it wiggling around, heart fluttering away. The bleed was still there and was still significant enough that the doctor didn't feel I was in the clear yet. We all know the 12 week mark is one to be celebrated because it usually means the safe zone…every week felt like victory to me.
Saturday night, I crawled in bed and noticed I was having a bit more cramping than normal, but it wasn't painful. I had been bleeding this whole time, including clots, so when I passed some- it was not surprising to me. Over the next hour, the clotting and cramping intensified but it still wasn't BAD pain so I tried to go back to sleep. Well, it just grew exponentially worse from there. I whipped out my fetal doppler and immediately found the baby's heartbeat- so I figured this was just going to be my weekly blood emptying episode. The cramping intensified and I was unable to sleep through the pain, at which point I knew something was wrong. Again I found the heartbeat so that consoled me a little bit- but the pain suddenly became so intense that I couldn't walk fully. It was 1245 in the morning by this time so I woke up my husband and told him I needed him to call his parents and have them come so he could take me to the doctor. They were there within 30 minutes to watch our 3 year old, and by then the pain was unbearable.
Having had one full term live birth, and a miscarriage, I have to say the main difference is that with the live birth there were breaks between contraction. With this- it was just one giant excruciating contraction that lasted for more than 2 hours. We hurried to the ER and were told there were no rooms available and would have to wait. So, there I sat bleeding and in so much pain I just had to sit there and cry because the only other option was to pass out. We waited. Believe it or not the pain got worse. I literally wanted to die in that moment because the pain was so intense- but it suddenly stopped and I felt a gush. I made my husband rush me to the bathroom, which thankfully was not occupied.
That gush was my water breaking- I felt something come out into the toilet so I reached down into the toilet bowl and found what ended up being the baby. I picked it up and held it's precious little body in my hand. I can't fully describe what I felt in that moment. I felt incredible love and amazement- the baby was perfectly formed (although not yet viable outside the womb). It had every toe, every finger, tiny little lips and was curled up. I also felt immense sorrow- here was this sweet little thing that I have anticipated and prayed for- just lifeless in my hand. There was nothing to be done. There really are no words for that. I called my husband in and unfortunately didn't really have time to prepare him for what he was about to see- but somehow he knew. We just sat there in amazement and shock.
Somehow they had a room available for me immediately after that and the pain was still a 12/10 so I was given morphine. The rest of the early morning was spent doing an ultrasound to make sure I had passed everything, checking my labs to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood, and then I was sent home.
I felt that somehow- even without my knowing- God had prepared my heart. I was not fearful or anxious. I felt immense peace. The kind of peace that makes no sense for what you've just experienced. In that moment when I held the baby in my hands- I had an overwhelming feeling that God was holding me much the same. He too was weeping over my loss. That brought me so much comfort.
I am grieved- of course. I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt- because it does. It hurts badly. There is so much of our heart and mind and body that goes into having a child that to say the loss is insignificant is unthinkable. It is very significant. My plans that were shaped by "I'll be this pregnant at such and such time" have been changed in the matter of hours. I now have to go back and un-tell everyone I told. That is a painful thing to have to do. Our 3 year old asked me the next morning- as she does every day- "Did you sleep? Did the baby grow while you slept?" I was not prepared for that response or what I would say if she asked me. I just burst into tears. It was hard to tell her that the baby was all gone. Now her daily question is "did the baby fall out? Are you gonna get a new one?" Apparently she was attached the the little bean too...
There is this idea in Christian communities and churches sometimes that to have faith means we don't feel- fear, doubt, anxiety, anger. There is this religious notion that when bad things happen you did something wrong- as if we are living to appease an angry God. Well, if that is something you happen to believe- I would like to challenge that with the fact that punishment was done away with on the day that Jesus bore every sin, iniquity and disease upon the cross. That is done away with completely. We are not being punished when things go wrong. That used to be my frame of mind whenever the you-know-what would hit the fan. Now, even if I struggle to get there, the thought has become something more like this: If I am in Christ, then so are my circumstances. The word says that Jesus is seated with the Father in heavenly places. So, therefore- so is my problem because me and my problem are fully seated in Christ. So, if that is true- then what does this mean for my problem? And then it becomes a time of exploring that with God. Again- this doesn't necessarily dull the grief- that will be a process within a process- but I know that I am not without hope. That my future and hope are held in the Father's heart for me and I can trust in that.
Finally, however, one of the OB's called me back and assured me my numbers were well within the normal range for where I was at, and the only real way we could determine the health of the pregnancy was to do an internal ultrasound (aka transvaginal)…sounds fun eh?
That was at 5 weeks, so we really couldn't see anything besides the gestational sac (which is the first "structure" to develop inside the womb). Everything looked healthy and I was told to be seen in 2 weeks to see the development. Well, the day of my appointment, I started bleeding. Not just a little spot, but a full on gush of blood. I was terrified. I could not believe this was happening again. I thought for sure I had just miscarried so I called the OB's office and they got me in that day.
I had prepared myself for the worst and fully expected to see nothing on the ultrasound. But, to our surprise, the baby was there with a strong heart beat, measuring 7 1/2 weeks- right on schedule. They also saw the area of bleeding. They couldn't tell at that point where it was coming from, but the most likely cause is called a subchorionic bleed or hemorrhage and occurs when the egg first implants into the uterus and the placenta and amniotic sac starts to form- it doesn't attach all the way and the blood vessels leak inside the uterus. I was told to keep my fingers crossed, rest and we would just have to wait and see.
Because of the recent miscarriage- I was terrified of losing this one too. It definitely hit on some nerves emotionally and spiritually. Why was this happening again? It felt unfair because seeing blood on a daily basis is not only abnormal, but a bit triggering when you've lost a pregnancy in that way already. I wrestled pretty good with this for almost two weeks. I didn't realize it in the moment, but I was trying to bargain and perform so that God would give me a good outcome- yet, I know that this is largely based in a lie. I have done nothing to deserve God's grace and goodness in my life, and this situation is not punishment for any wrongdoing- yet, my automatic fall back was to perform so as not to experience another loss or disappointment. It was a rough two weeks because I desperately wanted to fall back on that performance, yet I knew nothing good would come of it. This could work out fine and it would have nothing to do with me, or it could end in the worst way and it would have nothing to do with how good I am.
I had another massive bleed at around 9 weeks, and ended up going to the ER because I just kept bleeding for hours and was afraid I was hemorrhaging. The baby looked good, but the bleed had actually GROWN and was completely surrounding the baby. I felt completely helpless. But, I had a pretty strong feeling that God was working on something in my heart because I could not rest. I felt restless and helpless. Not a good combination. Something needed to be settled. I knew it had something to do with performance, but I still couldn't put my finger on it. What it finally came down to was that I wanted God to do what I wanted, and I was not trusting that no matter what the outcome was- good or bad- that He would provide for me in every way that I needed. I also decided at this point that I wasn't NOT going to celebrate the pregnancy and treat it like any other pregnancy just because I was afraid of miscarriage. A million things could go wrong at ANY time during pregnancy- I wasn't going to deny myself the joy of that out of fear of losing.
I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but after a prayer time with a friend in which I asked for healing of my physical body, we also asked that I would understand what the Holy Spirit was praying for so that I could begin to agree with him. I saw a picture of Jesus holding one hand and the Holy Spirit holding my other hand and I knew I had a choice- I could grab hold of both of them, or I could hold onto this notion that the outcome of my situation had something to do with my performance and continue to try and control things. I decided to let go of that notion and grab ahold of the the only one that I knew would not fail me- even if this ended poorly- and that was Jesus. I wouldn't say it was immediate, but I definitely noticed over the next few days just an immense peace wash over me. I knew that God was walking me through this one step at a time. I didn't know the outcome but I felt protected and covered and fathered in a way that was incredibly intimate I can't fully explain.
**You can see below what are called placental lakes- the small black circle and the large black areas surrounding the gestational sac and baby is all blood. In a normal ultrasound- it would be grey indicating nothing else in the uterus but baby, placenta and sac.**
*** WARNING- the next part is somewhat graphic***
I went in for my weekly scan at 11 weeks and again the baby looked great. I could see it wiggling around, heart fluttering away. The bleed was still there and was still significant enough that the doctor didn't feel I was in the clear yet. We all know the 12 week mark is one to be celebrated because it usually means the safe zone…every week felt like victory to me.
Saturday night, I crawled in bed and noticed I was having a bit more cramping than normal, but it wasn't painful. I had been bleeding this whole time, including clots, so when I passed some- it was not surprising to me. Over the next hour, the clotting and cramping intensified but it still wasn't BAD pain so I tried to go back to sleep. Well, it just grew exponentially worse from there. I whipped out my fetal doppler and immediately found the baby's heartbeat- so I figured this was just going to be my weekly blood emptying episode. The cramping intensified and I was unable to sleep through the pain, at which point I knew something was wrong. Again I found the heartbeat so that consoled me a little bit- but the pain suddenly became so intense that I couldn't walk fully. It was 1245 in the morning by this time so I woke up my husband and told him I needed him to call his parents and have them come so he could take me to the doctor. They were there within 30 minutes to watch our 3 year old, and by then the pain was unbearable.
Having had one full term live birth, and a miscarriage, I have to say the main difference is that with the live birth there were breaks between contraction. With this- it was just one giant excruciating contraction that lasted for more than 2 hours. We hurried to the ER and were told there were no rooms available and would have to wait. So, there I sat bleeding and in so much pain I just had to sit there and cry because the only other option was to pass out. We waited. Believe it or not the pain got worse. I literally wanted to die in that moment because the pain was so intense- but it suddenly stopped and I felt a gush. I made my husband rush me to the bathroom, which thankfully was not occupied.
That gush was my water breaking- I felt something come out into the toilet so I reached down into the toilet bowl and found what ended up being the baby. I picked it up and held it's precious little body in my hand. I can't fully describe what I felt in that moment. I felt incredible love and amazement- the baby was perfectly formed (although not yet viable outside the womb). It had every toe, every finger, tiny little lips and was curled up. I also felt immense sorrow- here was this sweet little thing that I have anticipated and prayed for- just lifeless in my hand. There was nothing to be done. There really are no words for that. I called my husband in and unfortunately didn't really have time to prepare him for what he was about to see- but somehow he knew. We just sat there in amazement and shock.
Somehow they had a room available for me immediately after that and the pain was still a 12/10 so I was given morphine. The rest of the early morning was spent doing an ultrasound to make sure I had passed everything, checking my labs to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood, and then I was sent home.
I felt that somehow- even without my knowing- God had prepared my heart. I was not fearful or anxious. I felt immense peace. The kind of peace that makes no sense for what you've just experienced. In that moment when I held the baby in my hands- I had an overwhelming feeling that God was holding me much the same. He too was weeping over my loss. That brought me so much comfort.
I am grieved- of course. I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt- because it does. It hurts badly. There is so much of our heart and mind and body that goes into having a child that to say the loss is insignificant is unthinkable. It is very significant. My plans that were shaped by "I'll be this pregnant at such and such time" have been changed in the matter of hours. I now have to go back and un-tell everyone I told. That is a painful thing to have to do. Our 3 year old asked me the next morning- as she does every day- "Did you sleep? Did the baby grow while you slept?" I was not prepared for that response or what I would say if she asked me. I just burst into tears. It was hard to tell her that the baby was all gone. Now her daily question is "did the baby fall out? Are you gonna get a new one?" Apparently she was attached the the little bean too...
There is this idea in Christian communities and churches sometimes that to have faith means we don't feel- fear, doubt, anxiety, anger. There is this religious notion that when bad things happen you did something wrong- as if we are living to appease an angry God. Well, if that is something you happen to believe- I would like to challenge that with the fact that punishment was done away with on the day that Jesus bore every sin, iniquity and disease upon the cross. That is done away with completely. We are not being punished when things go wrong. That used to be my frame of mind whenever the you-know-what would hit the fan. Now, even if I struggle to get there, the thought has become something more like this: If I am in Christ, then so are my circumstances. The word says that Jesus is seated with the Father in heavenly places. So, therefore- so is my problem because me and my problem are fully seated in Christ. So, if that is true- then what does this mean for my problem? And then it becomes a time of exploring that with God. Again- this doesn't necessarily dull the grief- that will be a process within a process- but I know that I am not without hope. That my future and hope are held in the Father's heart for me and I can trust in that.
Friday, February 28, 2014
A Kind and Loving Father
I found myself the other day walking around, feeling ashamed of the pain I feel. Ashamed of my wounds. Ashamed that I have been hurt. You see, over the last 5 years, it became more and more apparent that my voice didn't matter. My pain didn't matter. My view or perspective didn't matter. I didn't matter. My voice was silenced over and over again as I cried out in pain at the hands of my mother. No one listened. The people who were witnessing how poorly she treated me, ignoring me for months, glaring at me from across the room, calling me incessantly to remind me how life is really all about her- none of them stood up for me. I was singled out and only one validated my experience behind closed doors. My only job or role was to please my mother, and in doing so, everyone else would be happy. Well, I've stepped out of that role. I am not making my mother happy, and I can only guess that she is probably shifting all of her hatred, rage and pressure onto my siblings- and who do you think they blame? Me. Ugh. I spoke up, and I was punished for it. I was exiled, removed from my family- the ones who should know me better than to believe her lies, the ones who should be able to see the good in me. Yet, they can't…and I can guess why they can't, but I won't go into that today.
Back to the other day. It dawned on me that if my child were hurting, if someone beat her up, left her bloody, bruised, and covered in mud that I would RUN to her. And I would want her to run to me for comfort and healing. I would not be ashamed of her "mess" or her wounds. All of a sudden- it clicked. God wants the very same for me. He is not ashamed of me because of what others have done to me, but I still need to be cleaned off. I still need to have my wounds tended to. I still need to rest in order to heal. I can look at my wounds the same way that he does- without condemnation or judgement, and with arms that are filled with compassion.
Wounds do not heal quickly especially the wounds that damaged our identities and left us walking poorly. But, we have a God who saves to the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25), a God who is completely intentional with us, and he will bring to perfection that which He started (Philippians 1:6). My hope is in God's intentionality and commitment towards me- not in my ability or lack thereof. He is a kind and loving father who has gone to the ends of the earth to save me. He will do the same for you!
Back to the other day. It dawned on me that if my child were hurting, if someone beat her up, left her bloody, bruised, and covered in mud that I would RUN to her. And I would want her to run to me for comfort and healing. I would not be ashamed of her "mess" or her wounds. All of a sudden- it clicked. God wants the very same for me. He is not ashamed of me because of what others have done to me, but I still need to be cleaned off. I still need to have my wounds tended to. I still need to rest in order to heal. I can look at my wounds the same way that he does- without condemnation or judgement, and with arms that are filled with compassion.
Wounds do not heal quickly especially the wounds that damaged our identities and left us walking poorly. But, we have a God who saves to the uttermost (Hebrews 7:25), a God who is completely intentional with us, and he will bring to perfection that which He started (Philippians 1:6). My hope is in God's intentionality and commitment towards me- not in my ability or lack thereof. He is a kind and loving father who has gone to the ends of the earth to save me. He will do the same for you!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Acceptance
I've been thinking about the idea of acceptance for a while now, probably because I'm struggling to grasp it, struggling to come to terms with several hardships that have come upon my life. I used to think of acceptance as only the final stage of grief, but as I'm learning- grief is cyclical and you can bounce around from denial to anger to bargaining, back to denial, and somehow land in acceptance. This doesn't have to take weeks or months, you can spin around in the grief cycle in one day. In my terms, acceptance is coming to terms with the reality of your situation (whatever that may be- death, loss, unemployment, WAITING…) and accepting it for what it is at this very moment.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
When my dad was battling cancer, going through radiation and chemotherapy-I had accepted that he had cancer and needed treatment, and there was something empowering about being able to DO something. But, there came a point where there was nothing left to do- no more surgeries, no more clinical trials or specialized treatment. Nothing. We had to accept the fact that short of a miracle- my dad would be leaving this earth in short order. I can't put into words what it felt like to accept that truth. That sinking feeling. The darkness that followed. The depression. A part of me died then too.
I have accepted that my mother is mentally ill and there is not a darn thing I can do to change that. Only Jesus can change that, and he won't force that upon my mother, so even that isn't entirely up to him! Does he want her willingness and cooperation? You bet! Will he force it upon her? nope. The wonderful thing about this is that though we don't always cooperate with God- He never leaves us. He is always there, working with us.
Acceptance. I've accepted a lot of things in my life, but it seems I'm only able to deal with things in layers. I am human after all. I feel like I've dealt with something- it's done, and then an unhealed piece will rise up that I must attend to. But I've felt over the last week or so, fighting my own reality. I don't want to accept the miscarriage. I don't want to accept that my family is dysfunctional and that I am not accepted. I don't want to accept that I feel "blue" after losing this pregnancy and that it's taking me longer to recover emotionally than I want. But what good does denial do? Well, for a while, it gives us the sense of protection. But it isn't meant to hang around forever. We can choose denial- active denial, and other times our brain chooses it for us until we can work through deeper emotions.
The part that I am struggling with recently is accepting delay. To be honest, I feel angry at all the things that have been thrown at us as a young married couple and a young family. I'm angry because it has screwed up my plans. I'm angry because I didn't choose how all the stress and exposure to toxic behavior would affect my mind, body and spirit. It takes time to heal a brain, a spirit and a body. I get angry at how slow the process is at times, and I get angry at the set backs. Obviously, my plan for expanding our family will be put on hold. I don't know for how long, but I'm upset about it. I have to allow my body to heal. I don't necessarily have control over how my hormones and emotions will respond to that physiological change, but I am most certainly doing what I can to get them where they should be. And, it makes sense to me that I ought to be emotionally healthy before adding to our family. That needs to be my first priority.
When we get to acceptance there is peace. When I accept my reality for what it is, I can then come up with a game plan for how to move forward. Or sometimes I just need to wait and spend time with God because there is truly nothing I can do and I need to be protected from my desire to rush ahead before my time. I have to let go of the immediate wants. Do I like this? No. Jesus isn't asking that I deny that either. But when I can accept where I'm at and all that has taken place that has led me to this place, I can ask God to come in and show me the way through. I can ask him to comfort me and help me to bear what I cannot. I won't always be in this place, but it would help if I didn't fight myself so much in the process ; )
We find this encouragement in Hebrews 12:2-4 "Looking away (from all that will distract) to Jesus, who is the leader and the source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also it's finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring it's shame, and is now seated at the right hand of God. Just think of Him who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your own blood." I think it's important to note that Jesus overcame the world- there isn't really much in our lives that WITH him, we cannot also overcome.
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