Over the past few months, it has felt like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff, battered by waves. Just as one recedes, another comes lashing up, reaching out to pull me under. I wonder, "when will I get to breathe? When will the storm end? When will the waves stop crashing up against my life?" and in my very weakest moments- "what have I done to deserve this?" I don't have the answer to any of those questions. Though I feel tired and weak, I have a deep seated peace that allows me to take a moment- whenever I can- to rest. I know God isn't trying to teach me some cosmic lesson, but rather He is showing me the value and safety of His presence- abiding in Him and finding my protection under the shadow of his wings. He is giving me the treasures of darkness- riches stored in secret places. (Isaiah 45:3).
To be real- the miscarriage hit me harder than I thought it would. It's been six weeks since the miscarriage and Ive stopped counting how far along I would be at this point. It was too painful. It's one thing to have suffered loss and have everyone know that you suffered loss- say, the death of a parent, or something more obvious. It's quite another to suffer silently. And I begin to wonder, why don't more people talk about miscarriage? What is so taboo and inappropriate about talking about the significant loss of the hopes and dreams of this would-be child/children?
My close friends all knew, but no one else has a clue. The woman at church who asked me "is that a baby bump I see??!" a few weeks ago almost got slugged in the throat...salt on an open wound. How could she know what I had just lost? She couldn't...And more importantly- how could she NOT know how inappropriate of a question that is? Gah. All those pregnancy announcements, with due dates the same as mine, or people asking when we are going to have more kids...I brace myself for impact. I didn't expect to hurt so much, but at the most random times, in the most random of places, Im reminded of what I'm no longer carrying inside of me. No more beating heart. No more growing baby. The feeling after looking at the ultrasound screen after they confirmed I had passed all the "tissue". Every HCG test for weeks after the loss further confirming that I was less pregnant than the week before. And once again, my plans for the future had to change. I know that I had looked at this pregnancy as the beginning of a new season, and I had looked forward to it immensely. The last few years have been so hard- I kind of just wanted something easy and a fresh start to help me redefine things a bit and continue moving forward instead of looking backwards. Ugh. And then the questions..."will I suffer this loss again? Can I bear it if so?"...I know that I don't hold my future, God does. But there's a part of me that knows he doesn't always give us easy and that scares me a bit- how much will He allow me to endure?
And then there is my crazy, cookoo family. It seems that just when I stop thinking about them, making progress in my healing or what have you- one of them reaches out to contact me in not so pleasant ways and I'm sent a few steps in the process. I wonder if it will ever really get easier. I wonder if it won't hurt so much to see that I am no longer a part of their lives. If it will be less painful to answer the questions people ask out of lack of knowledge or understanding of the reality of my situation "So, how's your mom?" When I respond "I don't really know" they look surprised and confused and I'm most certain there is some kind of judgment crossing their minds. It's just as uncomfortable for me to answer as it is for them to hear my answer.
I'm still working through my emotions. I'm deeply saddened at the loss of relationship with my family- I'm sad at what it's done to me, and I grieve what I have lost. But at the same time, something bazaar and good is happening- I'm finding who I really am: who God made me to be before the world and my family tried to mold me in their image. I'm finding out who I was made to be before I was rejected for not playing the role of savior and victim, for not continuing to lay myself out as the whipping boy so that my family wouldn't have to face their own problems, consequences and pain. I've been forced to create a life that is not just me surviving on a day-to-day basis, but one in which I, and subsequently my little family, are thriving. To be honest- I'm liking what I see. I'm freer than I've ever been, even though Im currently still experiencing emotional pain. I am finding out that there is so much more to life than I ever thought possible, and my daily pains and problems have strongly encouraged me to look for the joy in every day, celebrating the little things in life- because bad things are bound to happen. It is still a process of turning FROM that which I've lost, TOWARD that which I'm meant to receive.
Isaiah 54:11-17"O you afflicted one,Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies,Your gates of crystal,And all your walls of precious stones.All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established. You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; And from terror, for it shall not come near you. Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.16 “Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy.No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.'"
