I feel like this on an almost daily basis...my father recently passed away, and I don't know what to do with my mom. The pain is overwhelming...and I cannot carry hers. If you knew my mother and her propensity to cling to you and suck the life out of you, (however unintentionally) perhaps you could understand my dilemma.
I wasn't given the room as a child to express my emotions and feelings about things, although I highly doubt this was on purpose. Both of my parents came from fairly dysfunctional families, and did the best they could under extremely overwhelming circumstances. It's no wonder that now, even still, in her presence, I am silenced...I fear her disapproval, her criticism. All I really want is for her to accept me as I am, and not make snide remarks about how I "need help" getting my house organized (and REALLY...it is NOT that bad!)...we bought a fixer upper, and that's exactly where we are at...fixing it up! But that's besides the point...
I don't know how to help her. I closed my heart off to her a long, long time ago, and it is difficult to want to open it again for fear that she will see what's inside and want to discard it like yesterday's garbage...for fear that she will gain access and lose sight of the boundaries. She is a boundary-less person, and likes it that way, it appears. Which would explain why she tries to control everything and flips out when it doesn't go according to plan.
The hardest part about my dad dying, was not his death, per se...it was the life that was left behind him. My dad and I were very close, and I would take a stab and say that he and I were the closest out of the other kids. I just seemed to get him, and he me. In a way, I felt like I lost the only one who really cared about me, and cared about me more than his pride.
The hardest part about forgiveness is walking the tightrope of letting go of the past, and using WISDOM with your heart in the present...God says to "guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." Your heart contains all that you are, and it is worth fighting for. So mom, please forgive me if I don't let you in so easily.
I don't know how to do this right...there is no book where i can flip to, say, chapter 19-your mom is slightly crazy, has broken your heart, your dad is now dead, and she is sucking the life out of you- and how to push her away gently! Ha... I wish! But, this is a lesson I believe God is affording me...to learn to use my voice. I always felt the need to go to others for advice, for their approval of an idea or thought (I still kind of do). I never felt completely comfortable making a decision on my own. I would be plagued with PARALYZING fear...paralyzing...what if I made a horrible mistake? What if I let someone down, or hurt someone? the list goes on and on. This lesson He is affording me is the opportunity to be myself...fully and completely myself, with the ability to fail, and the ability to greatly succeed! And in the process, not only will I gain self confidence, but I will learn more of His heart for me.
So, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was younger...but, even if I had, I don't think I could have handled it. I'm thankful that I am learning this while my marriage and child are young so I can grow from this!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
To introduce myself...
Well, to start off with, I am a wife to my best friend, and mother to one beautiful 5 month old girl. She lights up my life in ways I didn't know were possible. She is my joy, and I am reminded of God's love and grace for me every time I look at her beautiful face. My purpose in writing this blog is to process things for myself, but also to share my journey with the Lord, share my story of His mercy and ultimately to bring others to know Him.
This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.
On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.
He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.
It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.
She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.
During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!
It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.
It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.
It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead. It makes absolutely no sense.
I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."
I will go into more detail about that later...
This year has been a hellish whirlwind. If you could picture a person standing on the edge of a rocky cliff with waves crashing up against the rocks, the wind blowing and rain thundering down...that was my life this year.
On December 26th, 2009, my dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor- glioblastoma multiforme. Terminal brain cancer. They told us with radiation and chemotherapy, and based on his age and previous health, that he would live MAYBE 14 months. They took out the majority of the brain tumor 5 days after Christmas and began radiation and chemotherapy 2 weeks later. All things considered, he tolerated the treatment pretty well with few side effects. The tumor seemed to stay put without much growth for quite a while until August, 2010, where in spite of treatment, it continued to grow. Since he had received the lifetime max of radiation, that was no longer a treatment option, so they changed chemotherapy agents, and again, seemed to slow the growth of the tumor but didn't completely kill it. In December, after it became obvious that Avastin (The latest chemotherapy agent) was no longer working, the only two options were hospice or seeing if he qualified for a clinical trial.
He did in fact qualify for the clinical trial, which included excision of as much of the tumor as possible, and injecting stem cells into the tumor cells that had been trained to kill cancer. He and my mom stayed in the hospital in California over Christmas (our second Christmas without my dad), and returned a few weeks before my baby was born.
It was at that time, that his physician reviewed his follow up MRI and they discovered that in spite of all efforts, the tumor was growing and that we should consider hospice. Worst. Day. Ever. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it to see my baby girl come into this world. I was praying that she would come before he was unable to understand who she was or love on her a little bit before he left to be with the Lord.
She was born January 20th, at 8:31 am. One of the best, and worst days of my life. It was beautiful, my labor was a piece of cake, and I felt as if in the midst of the worst kind of heartache, God had given me the treasure of her life to care for. It was the worst day as well, because I could see my dad, struggling to take it all in and muster the energy to be present when all he wanted to do was sleep. It is a heartache I cannot describe, and I fear that no matter how much time passes, the ache will always remain.
During all of this (as if it weren't enough to handle already), I was just starting to learn how dysfunctional my life was, and had been. I felt a lot of anger towards my mom, but never really understood why. I had a few painful memories of things she had done, and a lot of painful memories of things she had said, but somehow I couldn't acknowledge them as my feelings...it was like I wasn't entitled to feel the pain. I knew that it was time to do some searching, get some counsel and really understand the heartache I was feeling and why in the world I felt so guilty!!!
It was a painful, hard task. It meant that I had to look at my mom and see her for who she was and the things she had done. I could no longer pretend that she was perfect, but instead had to face the fact that yes, she was abusive...abusive in her words and actions. She was mean spirited, controlling and manipulative. I had to look at those things and then find something about her to love. I had to forgive her and no longer require her to pay the price for those awful things. I had to acknowledge my feelings. That her words had cut me to the very core of who I was and changed me. The broke my spirit and marred me. I was left handicapped, ill prepared to deal with life. What made it even more confusing was that she could be very sweet, giving and nice. My poor little heart didn't have a chance at understanding.
It is by the grace of God that I stand today. Somehow, He managed to get a hold of me, lead me to safe pasture, and has redeemed me (is redeeming me I should say) from a life of heartache, pain and brokenness. I don't know how He did it, or is doing it, only that He is.
It is a hard thing to look at the past, full of dark clouds, pain and brokenness, and have to leave it there. To know that you cannot change a thing, but try and make sense of it all, take from it what you can, and move ahead. It makes absolutely no sense.
I now understand why all of those years, even as a child, feeling so lost, depressed, out of place. I now know why the very first song I wrote was called "bless the child who walks alone."
I will go into more detail about that later...
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