I am amazed. God is working and it is so humbling and exciting to see His hand! All this time, I felt like He had left me...abandoned me to my own fears, my past and hurt that left me tormented and afraid. I'm realizing more and more that emotions are healthy things that need to be expressed, and the more we hold it inside, the worse it becomes until it explodes onto someone who doesn't deserve it.
That's what happened to me. My mom had a lot of brokenness, hurt, and anger taking up residence in her heart. It was undealt with, unrecognized, and left to fester until it exploded on us for no apparent reason. I didn't realize that I was following the same pattern- partly because I didn't have the tools to know how to express it in a healthy way, as my only example went as follows: something didn't go as planned--> impatience--> outburst of anger and hurtful words.
I never got to the point of having outbursts of anger and hurting other people, but I could feel it brewing under the surface, threatening to blow the lid of my self control. Sometimes it would come out as a snide remark, sarcasm or just ignoring, but regardless it was there. I never had anyone take the time to help me express it, even as a child. To sit with me and ask me how I was feeling, or why I was feeling that way. To acknowledge my feelings as valid instead of mocking me for them. I really had no idea. So, I am learning how to let it out in healthy ways. One of which, is pouring it out to God. I write A LOT. I've filled 2 whole journals over the last year, and let me tell you, I myself don't have any desire to read them. Most of the contents are awful. Filled with painful memories, heartache and disappointment.
I'm not sure why it came as a shock to me that I'd be feeling anger now...but I am learning that grief is a continuoum of emotion. Some days you feel nothing, some days intense anger, resentment, and hurt, and then nothing again. It's not linear. It's not as if one day you're angry, and because you've already felt anger, you can now move on to happier emotions. I am grieving the loss of my dad. Not just the loss of the past, but the loss of having him in the present and the future. He will not be there for birthdays or Christmas. He won't be there when my kids go to school, or sing in the christmas program. I'm grieving the loss of a mother-daughter relationship I always wanted but never had, the loss of a childhood that should have been mine. I'm grieving the loss of what was "supposed" to be the happiest years of our young marriage.
All that to say, I was reassured to find out that feeling the anger now is normal. It takes time to heal. And God is not asking me to race through this life. It says in Isaiah that He gives us treasures in darkness...When He hides us under the shadow of His wings, I never imagined it to be dark, but boy is it! Yet even in darkness we are protected. There is no place I can go from His presence- even if I were to travel to hell and back, as I believe I have in many ways (psalm 139), He is still with me, guiding me, comforting me and healing me.
I have learned more about God's intentions...He created me in my mother's womb, and entrusted my parents with my life. His plan was for them to mold me, to love me, and to instill in me healthy tools to cope with life. They did the best they could with the tools they had, yet I was wounded none the less. But the AMAZING thing about God is that He promises to use all of that, and restore what was broken and lost.
There is a verse in Isaiah 54:11 "“O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children’s peace. In righteousness you will be established; tyranny will be far from you..."
I love this verse. I love picturing that God is building my life. But there is one thing that interests me about this verse...rebuilding a foundation. In order to rebuild a foundation, the original house has to be destroyed...taken down...demolished. If the foundation is weak, the entire building will be weak. It doesn't matter how beautiful, how opulent or impressive the outside. If the foundation isn't sound, the building wont last. If you haven't noticed already, God isn't interested in short term results. He goes after the prize. He wants us to have something that will last, something that will be fruitful, and something that we can pass down from generation to generation. He wants us to be whole! Wow.
So I have learned to take heart when things fall apart for a few reasons: 1- God will use everything for our good, whether its a work of the enemy, a tragedy He himself has allowed, or whatever. For some reason, experiencing deep sorry allows for greater joy, and I'm not really sure how or why that works- 2- He will build the foundation stronger and healthier than it was before, something that will benefit not just our lives but the lives of those around us, and 3: He will make Himself known in a greater way.
I have seen some amazing things in my life, and I can honestly say I have been praying for healing and reconciliation with my mom for as long as I can remember- but I had given up on ever seeing it happen. Yet, God used my dad's death to bring about healing. Wow.
Rest assured...I am not anything special that God would take greater interest in me than any one of you. God is no respecter of persons. Trust Him with the process, whatever yours may be...Wait, and He will strengthen your heart.
God bless you today!
