In coming from a slightly dysfunctional family, I've had a lot of learning and growing to do. I've had to learn what "normal" is in relating to other people- including members of my family. It has not been easy, and I've made mistakes. But I am determined to do things the healthy and good way.
Something came up recently with my sister and it took me quite a bit of time to realize that her behavior was actually HELPING me define where a healthy boundary needed to be.
My sister is 17 months older than I. Growing up, she loved to argue, win, be right, and she rarely considered other people's feelings when she would do something. She was CONSTANTLY telling me to do things, and as soon as I would do them, she would sneak off to get my mom or dad to show them what kind of naughty thing I had gotten myself into. Needless to say- I was oblivious and I believed she was like me who would rather cut off my own toe than get someone else in trouble. I just took it. I have scars on both arms from the times she dug her nails into my skin just to win a fight. Keep in mind, although I was younger, I had a sturdier build and could have easily just popped her in the face and taken her out- but I didn't. I wanted her to like me. She wanted to win. We had some opposing motivating desires in that relationship.
Fast forward to kindergarten, and I was partnered with a girl who was highly manipulative. I was terrified of her. She somehow convinced me to steal a box of keys. I don't know how I managed to put them in my backpack without wetting my pants, but I did. I took them home and hid them in our house for Lord knows how long-terrified that someone would find them and I would be found out. The mean little girl used those keys as leverage every single day for the entirety of kindergarten- "if you don't do what I say, I'm going to tell Mrs. Howard you stole those keys." My pupils would dilate, I'd get all sweaty, and then I would comply. I can see a pattern here.
Fast forward to the college age version of myself, and I almost pass out during conflict. Like- serious tunnel vision. I remember a game of monopoly played with 3 first-born friends. All type-A, competitive. I don't remember what happened, I just remember the game was so intense that I quit- in tears. These same friends liked to play pranks on me- and did it often. I hated it because it made me feel like an outsider. I finally got so fed up I had to say something. Nevermind that I hid inside of my sweatshirt and that it took me an hour to get the words out. I finally told my good friend that I was tired of the pranks- I felt bullied and just wanted to feel like one of the group.
As a refresher- boundaries are very good things. Boundaries keep your neighbor from (hopefully) coming into your yard and taking a leak. Boundaries- when they are healthy and good, protect your treasures. Boundaries define what is me- and they define what is you. Well, when you come from a family where there are very muddy and hard to define boundaries, finding out where they actually are is work, and some trial and error. Sometimes people constantly bombard your boundaries and then you realize "oh! that's where my property line ACTUALLY needs to be". I have prayed for a long time "God, clarify my boundaries. Help me to see what is me, and what is them- help me to learn to respect those boundaries- both my own and theirs."
In regards to my relationship with my mother- I've spent a great deal of time trying to clarify my boundaries with my siblings. If you would have known me 2 years ago- you might not recognize me now. I owned my problems AND everyone elses. If someone was uncomfortable, I would go out of my way to fix it. Nevermind that they are manipulating or refusing to own their own responsibilities. Did you know that it is actually NO ONE'S job but your own to make you happy? I can apply this to my siblings when they try to make me feel guilty for things that are actually their responsibility.
What am I talking about? Well...two of my siblings have come to me on several occasions telling me to "fix" whatever is going on between mom and I. Neither of them have bothered to ask my side of the story, and both have been adamant that they don't want to be involved while simultaneously putting themselves in the middle. They have accused me of things that I haven't done. I continued to just let them- and then I realized what I was doing. By not speaking up for myself, I was just allowing this unhealthy dynamic of "let's not talk about anything REAL and pretend everyone is okay. k?"
I went back and forth- realizing that if I tell them how I feel- it may change nothing. They could continue to have horrible boundaries with my mother and blame me for it. Then, it occurred to me that I needed to say it for me.
So, I confronted my sister. Because I hate confrontation, I had notes written out so I wouldn't forget the most necessary parts of the conversation. I also told her I had notes in front of me. I pointed out to her that she had asked not to be in the middle, but was continuing to put herself there and gave her examples so that she would know what I was talking about. I told her it was inappropriate and hurtful for her to accuse me of things she had no evidence of, and that she hadn't even bothered to ask for my side of the story. Surprisingly- she apologized immediately. We talked some things through, and while I do not share her perspective, and she doesn't seem to understand or empathize with where I am coming from- I did what I was afraid of.
I understand that my family is feeling the weight of me being gone. They want me there because they miss me. I pointed out to my sister that I have made every effort to meet one on one with her as well as the other siblings- because they are all important to me. I explained to her that I was sorry and that aside from that, I didn't know what else I could do to make them feel better about the boundaries I have set. To me- the family gatherings are not pleasant- I told her this, and explained in as much detail as possible why it is I feel that way. Perhaps it will resonate with her.
I am happier and healthier than I have been in probably my entire life. I have peace. I sleep well at night without having nightmares and overwhelming anxiety. Because I have defended and protected my boundaries, I now have more energy to give to my husband and daughter and the other people God has put in my life. The odd thing about all these dealings with my siblings is that, if I WERE To go to family birthday's, and other events where my mother is, I would be the one compromising- not them. They lose nothing, while I would be sacrificing my soundness of mind, peace, comfort and sense of safety. It is not an equal trade. I can't do that for them. Is that wrong? I don't think so.
