I recently started reading "Boundaries" by two well known Christian authors, Cloud and Townsend. I had read the book 3 years ago, but I think I had very little grasp at what it all meant for me. It was difficult to digest at the time because I was at the very beginning of the process of understanding where I came from and the effect it has had on me.
I started reading it again, not to rehash the old stuff, but to address something new. There is a process that children go through from birth to age 3 that will form the foundation for every other relationship they will ever have. First, of course, is attachment. Where the baby bonds with mother and father (usually the mother first, then other caregivers), and learns that when they cry, their needs are attended to- even if the need is "just" to be loved. Then, around 9 months or so, baby begins the process of exploring and learning that it has a life away from mom- however, conflicts begin to arise because they still desperately need mom to survive. This continues and is called "hatching." You will often see during this stage that the infant moves away from mom, will look back at her to see what her response is, and either continue going or come back. You will also see the baby explore and seem happy and content being away, and then suddenly realize that they are separated from mom and want to be held close again. This revolving door of moving away and coming closer is essential to the baby learning trust in the caregiver: Both that they will be okay when separated, and in learning to trust that she will always return.
The differentiating/individuating stage is equally important, but a little more hostile. The child learns that she/he is fully separate from parents, both in wants and needs, and begins to seek where that boundary lies. Often, the word "no!" along with frequent tantrums is more common than peaceful, docile, moments- depending on the child. They are in constant search of discovering who they are apart from the caregiver, and at the very same time, they need loving boundaries, as well as parental praise that the child's independence and budding individuality is both acceptable and even welcome. For example, my little 2 year old (going on 15!) is discovering her own voice, and it is so very important for me to applaud that whenever I can, let her discover the world and show me by her behavior and actions what kind of boundaries she needs, as this will be different for every child. It is also important for me to praise her efforts to differentiate, and also welcome her with open arms when she decides she needs me. This individuating process happens again during adolescence when the child begins to question parents, beliefs, feelings, etc.
When this process is not allowed, welcomed or worse, is threatened by a caregiver, something profound and damaging happens. The child usually becomes overly compliant, never distinguishes that his/her own needs, desires or feelings are separate from the caregiver, and has a hard time knowing where boundaries should be placed. You may then see that that child grows up to be overly rigid with too many boundaries, or overly compliant with no internal boundaries. This also opens the door for other relational problems- enmeshment being one of the most destructive. This is what I experienced with my mother. I don't have memory of this happening as a toddler, per se, but most certainly when I was in jr high. I was the middle child, youngest daughter who was VERY compliant. My mother would often say that it always scared her that she didn't know what I was thinking or feeling- and my question then is "well, why didn't you ask?!" but, that's besides the point. My development was hindered during these stages for too many reasons to list, and just continued to get worse as I got older and continued down a path that my mom didn't like.
Love should never be withheld from a child during this stage- no matter how threatening their behavior appears. I'm not suggesting not placing any boundaries, but love and relationship and intimacy that is shared between a parent and the child should never be threatened as the child is learning to fly solo. This is not what happened in our household. There were many things I could not tell my parents, and it was very painful- because they were all good things. I couldn't trust my mom to keep any of my secrets, because you never knew when she would decide it was "her" story to tell and embarrass me. Not only that, but she would blatantly ignore me at family functions during a time when she was particularly displeased with me. This was confusing the say the least! And I had no internal boundaries with which I could say "that behavior is separate from me, I did not cause that", but instead, I internalized her behavior and believed "This must really be all my fault. If I hadn't confronted her bad behavior, she would still love me." When, in a healthy relationship, the love is never threatened or used as a bargaining chip to win affection. NOT EVER. It is a destroyer of trust at the very minimum, and stifles growth of both parties. But, it has happened to me more times than I can count.
This does not just affect that one relationship, but every relationship that I have. It affects how I view other women, especially mother figures. It affects how I view authority figures and how I view myself. The fear of rejection runs deep. And it affects the relationship that I need the most-my relationship with God. How does one learn how to view God? What happens when one parent abuses and the other ignores the abuse, and worse, doesn't confront the abuser? What happens when one parent uses the other parent to manipulate and control you? Your trust is nonexistent, and your view of God is warped- completely. You begin to view that God is both abusive and lacking compassion, neglectful, capricious, and only interested in what you can give him. You learn to believe that God is just waiting to hand down punishments for your wrongs, and that love is earned- yet unattainable. You are left in a place that unless your view of God changes drastically, you will not make it.
I would be lying if I said that I don't ever get angry about the above. I don't like it, and it's uncomfortable- especially since people who don't know me assume that they know more than I do about the situation, and if I would just "pray more" than I would be able to love my mother as I ought to. My wounds are invisible to the naked eye- but my husband and good friends know them well. God help us if this kind of thing would also be said to a battered wife or child! They assume that I must be hateful and unforgiving to not visit my mother who is undergoing chemotherapy, yet do not consider the risk involved in returning to an abuser too soon in the healing process. They almost always take her side- and when I tell them details, they are shocked- "your mother did WHAT? Your mother said WHAT?!" and then immediately turn around and say "isn't there some part of you that says that life is to short, and maybe you're missing out on something good?" And I can say no...there is not one part of me that thinks that. Not even one. And it is not out of anger, or bitterness or anything of that sort. It is because I do not live for her anymore. It is because I think life is too short to sacrifice everything I am and everything that God made me for to be in an unhealthy relationship. Not only that, but enabling someone who has a problem with manipulation and control is NOT fair to them, nor is it kind or loving. When we do that, we are also stifling their growth, and the potential that is there for them to use the pain to face the truth about themselves and their behaviors. The truth is that our actions have consequences and allowing someone to experience those consequences isn't a matter of being unloving or unkind. This is probably the most loving thing anyone has ever done for my mother: I told her the truth. And I stuck to my guns (with many people holding my hand), and I told her who I am even though she believes I am the opposite. As hard as it has been, I allowed her the kindness of owning the fall out, because when you say "I own everything I ever did to hurt you", you are also saying that you own the right that the other person has to walk away and pursue healing. And every person has the right to make that decision for themselves.
So, I've started the individuating process. It is scary, and I can tell you that even though my 2 year old can't tell me in words, I know exactly what she is going through. I've had to make myself notecards to carry around with me so that I can learn to be aware of my negative, battered thought processes and renew them with the love God has for me and the rights I now have as His Child.
