I was enjoying the quiet. I'd made some pretty radical and scary decisions in regards to my family. I needed a break. I seemed to be having somewhat of a PTSD response to my mother, and even my brothers- just the whole issue of being harassed whenever I would make a decision that went against what the family unit wanted to do. I decided to do what was best for me- which was to miss a few unnecessary events so I could work on my emotional processing and see if the Lord would show me what was causing this panic. And, of course, I was harassed for this. "You're breaking mom's heart, nobody else has any problems with mom, so I don't understand what your problem is." All of a sudden, a light bulb went on. I realized that there was a scary dynamic going on within my family that no one else was really seeming to acknowledge: there was one persons opinion, needs, and wants that are favored or rather, feared above all others- my mother's. Everyone is expected to do what makes her happy and suits her at the cost of yourself and your purpose. I realized that most families, at least the healthy ones, have respect and value for each individual and the strengths that they bring to the family. My family is not this way- it is heavily lopsided, and in my opinion, very unhealthy and wrong. Since when is it considered the "Christian" thing to do to forsake yourself, your marriage, children, and even God himself for the wantan desires of a tyrant? It's not.
Even though it was painful, I learned something very valuable here, and it came from a revelation of who God is, and who He desires to be for me. "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty..." (2 Cor. 3:17), and "perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:8). When fear, guilt, shame, or humiliation are present, you can be certain that there are some evil intentions in place. We are not to use manipulation or control to get our needs met, or force others to do what we want. We are to seek the ONE as the source of all those things, and we can count on Him to supply- whether that be through people, jobs, gifted money, whatever. What I learned was to recognize those internal signals. To take a look at what I'm motivated by in a situation- why am I afraid of saying no? Is it because I want to please people? Or because I'm afraid of what they will do or say about me? Is it because I've been shamed in some way? There are many different reasons.
So, I had just gotten to this place of enjoying peace. Boundaries were high up, set in place where I could finally relax and then my mom called. I didn't answer, but she left me a voicemail saying they had found a mass in her abdomen and the next day, it was confirmed as stage 3 ovarian cancer. Of course, I was hit with the news, and was immediately overwhelmed- not in concern for her health, per se, but with worry for what this meant for our relationship. Does this mean I have to get close to her again? Does this mean I change my boundaries? What will other people say (close family) if I am seldom present? And what I absolutely dread the most- that she will use this as another way to get the attention she needs, manipulating the sympathies of others. I can't be the judge of that, but I am rightfully concerned. This would not be the first time she has used a situation to her advantage, and truthfully, I don't even let myself think about it anymore because it makes me sick to my stomach. And, my decision really is no longer about her. I am protecting a healing wound, and I don't want to jump back in too quickly when the nerves are still fresh with pain.
If my mom truly has borderline personality disorder, this situation could become messy very quickly. It could also put her in the position to get a diagnosis as many people will be involved in her care. I really don't know how this is going to go.
I used to live to please her- every move was dictated by her actions and responses. Part of the intensity and mess was because of my sensitive personality- it seems to have affected me more than the other three kids, but untangling those actions and responses, tracing them back to their roots is, to say the least...very difficult- not to mention time consuming. It's like a construction worker doing some demolition on an old, outdated building. When he knocks through the walls, he finds a mess of wires going to and fro throughout the house, untangling them one by one to trace them to their original source. It is a lengthy upheaval. But, in the end, the power will move more smoothly throughout the house, the electric bill will probably drop, and there won't be as many power shortages- if you catch my drift- it will be well worth it.
And, I am not doing this alone. Where I once viewed myself as a child begging their parent to meet their needs, I now see myself in the Father's affection- I know that in Him, my needs have ALREADY been met. It is His great love for me that pursues me, it follows me, surrounds me on every side. He is the example of parenting that I was lacking in so many ways.
I is still scary. I'm not going to lie. I still have a lot of work to do, and on top of that, I have a toddler, a husband, a job...one day at a time.
