The Positives

It's been a bit since I've written- I usually don't realize I need to get stuff out on "paper" until it's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed weeping for who knows what! I sometimes wonder if I should be more positive- I feel like this is expected as a Christian. Certainly, God want's us to be positive, and I do believe God wants us to learn to have His perspective and attitude about our circumstances- to realize He is in them all, and that He is always with us, helping us to rise above. But, it is not a God  idea to pretend that things are okay when they are not, to pretend to be happy about something that is intensely painful such as rejection and abandonment. I think that is actually a trap and keeps us isolated in our struggles and pain, allowing the devil to take advantage of an already weakened position when we ought to be reaching out for healing and comfort from God's people. Unfortunately, many of God's people do not actually know God- as in personally know Him. We know the bible, we know our should's and our should not's. We know what to do to avoid punishment, and we definitely know what to do to obtain praise- in other words, we know religion, but do we know Jesus? If all we know is religion, we will live our life in misery because God is real and He is intensely PERSONAL with us. Granted- not ALL Christians are this way, and I feel very blessed and grateful to go to a church that the majority are full of grace.

One of my all time favorite chapters in the bible is Psalm 18. David is "complaining" about the unfairness of Saul's treatment and attacks of him. Saul's relentless jealousy and pursuit of David was wearing him out. For some reason, I always managed to skip the middle section of chapter 18 (it's kind of a long chapter). But what was God's response to David's turmoil? He certainly didn't tell him to "pray harder" or that he really ought to have a more positive attitude, that he needed to bless Saul more and maybe he would stop attacking him. I think it's important to note what was operating in Saul's life at the time: jealousy and an evil spirit. He was running on pride and entitlement. God does not condone those behaviors because essentially Saul had opened himself up to an evil spirit and according to psalm 18, David knew he had done nothing to deserve that maltreatment. He was innocent at heart and truly only wanted the best for Saul. David didn't choose to be king, he was CHOSEN and Saul couldn't stand that. It really is a sad scenario...but back to my question: How did God respond? It says in Chapter 18 that smoke blew from God's nostrils, that he rendered the heavens and came down, He rescued David from those who were too strong from him, He knelt down to make him great, that He gave David the strength to pursue every enemy and overtake them. What does this tell us about God? That HE takes personally what we take personally- He desires to defend, protect and restore- He does not preach platitudes. He IS compassion, grace, love and mercy. He never tells us to try harder or to just get our act together and then "maybe" he will bless us. He IS goodness personified.

The question I ask myself is this: are we being JESUS to others, or do we just say what is easy at the time because we are uncomfortable with the human condition? Jesus was not uncomfortable with the human condition- not ever. Its a tough one to answer. And truly, we can only give what we have received from God- so what we know of Him is what we will pass along. If we learned from our parents or other authority figures that God is critical, shaming, negative and cold, then that is how we perceive God and that is how we will treat others. We need to experience all that He is and let it change us from the inside out.

So, what the heck am I talking about? Well, I would not have made it through this last two years of dealing with my father's death, post- partum depression, panic attacks, a brain injury and subsequent brain treatments, and the dealing of all of my feelings and emotions due to my mother's mental illness and the intense pain that has caused me had it not been for people who WERE Jesus to me. Who showed me who Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit want to be for me- who HE has been all along, I was just too wounded to see it. It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance- not shame, condemnation or fear. It is His mercy that heals our wounds.

Unfortunately, I don't think many Christians want to think how I really feel about my parents. Certainly, I love them- there are things about them that I am FOREVER grateful for, and I would not change those things. But the honest truth today? I am sorely disappointed in them, how the treated me and my siblings, and the picture of God that they left me with. I cannot change that I am disappointed, because I know how it SHOULD have been- and that's okay, because I also know that they couldn't give what they didn't have- and they both came from dysfunctional, broken homes. I just really wish things had been different.

I am now in a place where I am looking at the positives (or trying to): They gave me Jesus- and that is a priceless gift. Where would I be without Him?! The pain they caused due to rejection and abandonment led me to a place of desperation that if God did not rescue me, I was as good as dead. I have told God this so many times I can't even count it. And because of that I have experienced God- I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned the importance of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, allowing myself to be exposed to healthy, loving people so I could learn to walk appropriately. I know the importance now of taking care of my physical and mental health.

If you need a new experience of who God is for you, and what He wants to do for you- ask Him to! HE is glad to do this, because He wants to be our everything.

Identity Crisis

I'm having a sort of identity crisis. In the course of two years, I have lost both of my parents. One to brain cancer, and the other to a personality disorder. However,  this unearthed some truths that I had not yet faced- I never really had them in the first place. I never had good, healthy relationships with either of them. Although it wasn't all bad, it certainly wasn't foundationally good either. I was closer to my Dad, but my relationship was more what he wanted than what I needed it to be.

So, now that there is no "pretend" relationships happening, and by that I mean I am not feigning that things are right or dancing around issues anymore- the hole is exposed. I am left with questions about God that I never have had before. Will He meet me here?

When you have based your identity on performance which is essentially a shame based system, you are never FULLY loved. You learn to only expose the parts of yourself that are acceptable. So, for me, that meant never expressing that I needed something, whether it was comfort, quality time, money, clothes, etc. I just simply did not express it. I learned that I was not safe as I was, I could never fully relax or let my guard down- I still really struggle with this.

Side note: my parents were not aweful people, they were broken and the product of their own dysfunctional upbringings. I definitely wish things were different, but I can also see how their own woundedness kept them from fully loving us. That task now, belongs to God.

So, I am in this uncomfortable place where my hurts and pains are exposed, God's word says over and over and over again that it is His desire to heal, restore to wholeness, redeem, make new...Yet, I question if he REALLY wants to. I mean, will He REALLY come through for me? Does He really want to re-parent me? Oh, how I want to believe!!! Yet, something in me is holding back and I know it's because I am afraid I will fail and be rejected. Obviously, I know in my head this is not the case, but my heart doesn't know it.

How do we get from not knowing or understanding our worth to fully understanding who we are and what we were made for? I believe one of the primary ways we begin to move from a place where we are lacking to a place of restoration is the word of God, specifically, in what Graham Cooke calls "inheritance words". These are words that you KNOW are for you because when you read them, they seem to pop out of the page, they grab a hold of you. This word is God's declaration to you of what He desires to do in your situation, in your heart, in your family, etc. The reason I believe Cooke calls them "inheritance words" is because they are ours by right of the blood of Jesus- they are our inheritance.

The way Graham Cooke describes marinating in these inheritance words is by crafting them into prayers. So, I have begun to take a few passages that the lord gave to me a long time ago, and some that have been given to me by other people, and have just begun to make them the cry of my heart. I want God to meet me here- and I know that is His desire as well, even though at times (like today) I can hardly believe it. But it is how we begin to move from the old to the new, and begin to take hold of WHO and WHOSE we are by the blood of Jesus. When we begin to know who we are, like really know it, our behavior and actions start following suit, not the other way around. When we know how perfect His love towards us is, we have no reason to fear and we gain a new confidence. Our behavior lines right up because we know, absolutely, that He has our best in mind.

Movement

Walking away is incredibly hard- and at the same time, I feel a huge burden lifted.  I feel as if I've been dragging this lead weight around with me for years- maybe my entire life- and I finally get to let it go. I've tried for almost two years to patch things up with my mom, working hard on myself, my heart, my anger, resentment, bitterness, and expectations. To be honest, it's kind of disappointing that this is where the road has led. It's as if I've hit a construction zone- I cannot travel down that road with her, it's time to take a detour. Leave it behind.

Leaving it behind may seem easy- and maybe it is. But for me it means a lot of things. It means I'm no longer allowed to defend myself to those who won't or choose not to understand. It means I lose my reputation in their eyes. It means she could some day blame me for not trying harder or for giving up too soon. It also means a whole lot of good things: I get to move on from a tumultuous relationship that did much more harm than good. It means I am free to walk in emotional health and freedom. It means I am no longer a slave to her emotions. So, it is good. I have breathing room- and I feel safer here. I feel like I can move about with out wondering when she is going to lose it on me again.

A few things that are leaving as I let go- this fear that God is just waiting to punish me. That was projected from my relationship with my mom. You can never win and you never know when she will ignore you or criticize. I finally realized upon reading of God's heart towards me (or any of His children), that this is not his intention for me. He and I want the same thing. This freedom I am being offered is something He died to give me. It was never in His heart or mind that I be manipulated, controlled, emotionally damaged or afraid- because perfect love casts out all fear. With God, we are always safe, we can always trust His intentions towards us because He is good in all that He does. So, I can trust that since it is not in God's character to lie, manipulate, belittle, control or embarrass, than my cry for freedom is something He desperately wants for me. So that I can experience Him in a way I never have.

It is kind of humorous. All the things that once controlled me- fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of man...all of those things are breaking off- PRAISE THE LORD. I used to make my moves based on her actions and responses. I am now learning to make my moves based on my needs, desires and what I know is right. I follow God and God alone, and I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.

Several people have pointed out that I am doing the most loving and kind thing I can for her- loving her WITHIN boundaries. I love her by not allowing her to get away with unhealthy and unsavory behavior.It has taken me some time to digest and feel like that is right. But, isn't  this how God loves us? Isn't this how we are called to parent and love our children? God gives us very natural consequences for our actions. His love for us never fades, but we will reap what we sow. We love our kids by doing the same- giving them natural consequences for their actions because ultimately we want them to have a solid character where they can function in society but have a good moral backbone. This was my mother's parents responsibility to instill that in her and nip it in the bud, and then her husbands- it should never fall on the children to re-parent their parents.

Letting Go

It has been an awful few weeks. Will this ever end? I think this won't truly be "over" unless my mom is miraculously healed or she leaves the earth. She is who she is, after all. Who am I to change her?

About two months ago I had a sort of epiphany. I was at a family birthday where my mom and I were celebrating our birthday's together. We always had. I didn't really think twice about the awkwardness of this. We don't have a relationship, yet, here we are celebrating together. I have learned over the years to ignore how I feel. To just put up with the pain, anger, frustration. This is not a healthy model, mind you, but it was a mode of survival. I thought I was doing the "Godly" thing by tolerating very toxic and unhealthy behavior.

After I had recovered from another event with my mother, I kind of woke up and realized- who am I doing this for? I am most certainly not doing this for myself. And if I'm doing this for her- someone who does not appreciate or value the gift I am giving (whether that be time, myself, my family, a monetary item)-then WHY am I doing this? I have learned to ask the hard questions. No more pretending. Pretending only works for so long and God wants us to have truth in the very core of who we are. The only reason I was doing this- exposing myself to her, continuing to put up a happy front to pretend that things are okay- was probably so that I didn't have to face the reality of who my mother is. That she, in fact, is not and will not change for me. I will not have a healthy relationship with her.

Can you imagine dating someone, feeling that things are off, being strung along thinking that things are great, but they are only staying in this to protect you from getting hurt if they cut things off? How would you feel? Hurt? Betrayed? Lied to? I know I would. I would be royally pissed. That is, in essence, what I was doing to my mother. Out of sheer terror, I watered down the truth of my walking away so that she wouldn't explode- and for good reason. Her explosions are not pretty and are incredibly frightening to be a part of.

I have had the privilege of meeting a very wise, intelligent, honest woman who has walked this out and is lightyears ahead of me. Much of this new understanding is because of her. What I have learned is that people need to hear the truth- even if it hurts them. What is pain? Pain tells us that something is WRONG. Something is out of place, out of order and needs to be looked at. The intent is not to hurt them, but to set them free. Once we learn the truth about something  (behaviors that are negative and detrimental), we are essentially given a choice. Do we stay in denial or do we do something to change given this piece of useful information? Sure...it hurts, but in the long run, we are set free into a healthier and happier life because of it. Truth will ALWAYS set us free if we let it. This is why I have chosen to tell my mother the truth- so that she can make choices to move into a healthier life. Her responses are always the same:
"you are hurting me",
"Why do you always point out my faults?",
"why are you rejecting me?"
or my absolute least favorite: "no one else thinks I've done anything wrong..."
...and she is entitled to this view. She cannot see the boundary between herself and me, or anyone else for that matter. Therefore when I set a boundary, when I say no, when I voice an opinion or idea that is not in line with what she is already thinking, she perceives it as a rejection of herself.

I keep going back and forth- have I done something wrong? What can I do to fix this? Well, it comes down to this: My mom and I want different things. I want health and life and a good relationship where we are both respected and valued as individuals with feelings and ideas. She wants those things as well, but only on her terms- and her terms are to meet ONLY her needs. She will do this at any cost and I have realized I can no longer give to this. It's not healthy for her or for me.

So, I have been wrestling with this walking away. Not permanently, but most certainly for a time so I can heal. What if I'm wrong? What if I permanently destroy this relationship by walking away? Well...that may happen. I can't control that entirely. I have to do what is best for me and my family and I am sad to say that means I won't get to be a part of certain things because of it. I'm just no longer willing to lie to myself or to others to have a pretend relationship that costs her nothing and costs me everything. So I am letting go. And I finally have my peace with that.

Shifting Gears

I wish I were more like a new stick shift car- I could just shift gears quickly, without any jolting or twitching...but no. I seem to be more like a ship, when once the rudder is turned, takes a good while and distance before any of that distance is seen. Does that make sense?

What am I talking about? Well...I do not talk to my mother. The purpose of setting boundaries was to protect myself. But now, it's to move from surviving to really living in the space those boundaries provide for me and my family. What good are boundaries if I'm constantly thinking about the past, numbed and panicked by different situations? What good are they if I'm really not present- enjoying the things God has given me in exchange for my losses?

Gah. This process is so much harder than I thought. So much messier than I want it to be. I hate it. Honestly. But what choice do I have but to work through it? I suffer if I do, and I suffer if I don't. I'd rather have a nicely tilled and watered garden out of this in the end than a mess of overgrown weeds that suffocate the life out of me.

I'm hesitant to share some details, because half the time I can't make sense out of it. Recently- as in the last few months or so- I've despised myself. I've despised everything about me that reminded me of my mother. A certain smile, laugh, gesture, phrase, etc. I was driving myself MAD. Every time I would hear that voice, or see a glimmer of her in me, I felt as if I were being rubbed up against a cheese grater. So what did I do? Not the healthy thing, that's for sure. I tried to be the opposite of her. Ignored certain things I enjoyed that were inherited from her, etc. Well, that doesn't really work. I was born of her. I am who I am in some ways because of her (good and bad). I look like her in some ways and I cannot change that.

Let me explain this a little better. It isn't because I want her to be all bad. It's not that she has nothing good to offer. The good memories I have are good! They warm my heart. But there are certain facial expressions, laughs, gestures, etc that are painful. They remind me of being mocked, punished, and shamed. So how in the Lords sweet name am I supposed to overcome this??

Well, lets back up and understand a few things about the brain. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) was designed in such a way that when in danger three things could happen: fight, flight or freeze. If there is enough time, and energy, then one would fight. If not, then one would flee. If neither fight nor flight are options, then the victim freezes. The brain stores the littlest details of the incident (or incidents) such as sights, smells, lighting, sounds, etc for a specific reason: there is something about that event that was threatening, and your brain wants you to remember that for future reference. Major bummer for those trying to get over traumatic events. It's also helpful to understand that it is what the victim perceives as threatening that creates these responses. For example, what a child perceives as threatening or scary would not be the same as what an adult perceives as threatening. One need not be raped or shot at to have somewhat of a PTSD response.

This is kind of a relief because no matter how hard I try, there are certain facial expressions, memories that will give me a kind of visceral response. It really has little to do with forgiveness and a whole lot more to do with defense mechanisms and stored memories.

But, back to what I was saying about hating myself. Jesus says that we are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. As a new friend informed me- It is implied within that verse that we love ourselves. We cannot give what we do not have. So, how can we love others if we do not have love for ourselves? We will be pouring out of an empty cup.

My prayer for the last several months has been this: God- open my eyes to the love you have for me. Help me to see myself as YOU see me, and then to see others as you see them. Help me to know who I am apart from my mother and even to love those things about myself that are like her." He has been FAITHFUL. But His love has been coming in, shaping and changing the way I see Him and the way I see myself. I know in turn this will change how I view others.

And then I go back to square one. It was God who knit me in my mother's womb. It was her DNA, sure, but the soul- the personality- is created by God alone. This can be tricky- because we truly are shaped by our environments. Our relationships with our parents are fundamental to our development. That being said, a huge part of our restoration will likely involve some pretty big overhauls. It involves exposing truth to some areas that have been steeped in lies. Some of those restorations include tearing up foundations and it will appear that you are going backwards instead of forwards- but it is necessary! As a friend so kindly pointed out- God has a lot invested in  our freedom, in our being who He created us to be. The moment we were separated Him by sin, He was already planning our rescue and redemption.

I imagine my daughter going to elementary or middle school and being picked on. If, God forbid, her sweet personality should take that in and take it personally, or become broken and wounded because of it- I would do ANYTHING to bring her back to being herself again. If I, though I am evil desire to do such things, how much MORE my Father in Heaven?

Have you ever read "You Are Special" by Max Lucado? If not...then do! It's an amazing book about the love God has for us. It's a children's book, but I get teary every time I read it. Let it sink in. Let it expose the "untruths" in you that are causing you to believe you are worthless and insignificant.

God is FOR you. In EVERYTHING you are facing- even turmoil within yourself. He is FOR you!

So, I'm shifting gears. I'm leaving the past behind me, and choosing to focus on all the good God has given me today. I will probably back track a few times, but that's to be expected : )

They know not what they do.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this one, I suppose if I really thought of it, I could get pretty upset, but thanks to a new friend, I'm learning to look at this through a different filter. A young lady and her two children have moved in with my mom temporarily. I really know no details since my mother and I are not talking. However, I felt that similar bitter taste in my mouth when I heard. I felt that same pang of rejection- I am being replaced. I didn't meet her needs so she is looking to someone else. I have allowed myself the necessary grief of feeling the feelings: I'm not good enough for her love, I'm certainly not worth fighting to keep. I was too much and not enough all at the same time. I have to feel it and get it out otherwise it festers. Once I let that out, then I realize that is not true of me. Also, I'm the one who chose to separate from her because of her toxic behavior and her uncanny ability to bring me down faster than anything I've ever known.

My mother is not well. She doesn't think and process things normally. This doesn't make her less of a person, nor does it make her invaluable. This makes her a wounded person who is just trying to get her needs met. I am coming to a place slowly and hopefully for good, where I realize everything she ever did or said that negatively affected me wasn't even about me. It certainly wasn't for me, but had little to do with me at all. I've heard a phrase that says something like "how people treat you says more about who they are than who you are." So, for example, if someone belittles you, mocks you, rejects you- it shows more about their character than your value. But it's taken me a bit of work to realize that how my mother views me is inaccurate and based on faulty information.

This is what I have learned: a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (or anything along that spectrum) operates mainly out of shame and fear. Fear of rejection, and shame at perceived rejection. It is the "I hate you, don't leave me" complex. They manipulate out of a desperate need to feel in control, and often have no idea they are being manipulative.They cannot own their own negative actions and behaviors because that would mean that they are bad, and since they cannot handle that information, they rewrite history so that they are perceived in a much better light. This is where narcissism comes in too- grandiosity of thinking. Thinking that they are greater than they are so they don't have to face the reality of the things they have done that have caused pain. This is a very simplistic description, obviously, there is way more I could write about this but I'm trying to keep it simple.

I cannot trust my mother. I don't think that I ever will. What I want and what I have in front of me are two very different things. What I want is a mom who I can trust, who I can share my secrets with, who I can LAUGH with and cry with. Short of a miracle, this is not going to happen and I have to let that rest on the alter. What I have is a mother who does not know what she has done. She does not value me as a person, because someone who values another person cares about their feelings, cares about earning back their trust, and has a respect of other people's boundaries even if they don't like them.

A conversation with my mother would go like this
Mom: "Why don't you want to be around me?"
Me: " Because I cannot trust you. You hurt me"
Mom: "Well you hurt me to. I don't trust you either. You're being selfish. Why are you always rejecting me?"

A healthy parent would understand their responsibility and role as the parent to reestablish trust and would say "I'm sorry. Can you be more specific as to how I lost your trust and what I can do to earn it back." Which then sends the message "Your feelings are important to me. I love and value you."

All relationships are built on trust, so without trust, where can we go? I realize this post seems perhaps lacking in compassion, but it's really not. I care deeply for my mother. I want her to experience wholeness and joy just like God intends for her. And I know that as her loving Father, He will take care of her as only He can do. It was a burden I was never meant to carry in the first place, so now I am leaving her in His hands, along with the remnants of the relationship. I am willing to do whatever He asks of me, and right now, He has asked me to lay it down. Until He tells me to pursue it again, it's not happening! And I'm okay with that.

Wretched and poor

Romans 7:24-25 "O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [ He will!] through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like the wretched fools that we really are? When you wake up and wonder where in God's sweet name you have ended up...were you this broken all along or did you miss a sign that everyone else seemed to see and follow? I have wondered this many, MANY times in the course of the last three years, and I have come to the conclusion of this one thing that the Apostle Paul sums up perfectly in Romans 7:24 as he talks about the war waging between his flesh and spirit: "O wretched man that I am! Who can save me from this body of sin?" and then proceeds to thank God- because HE WILL!

For so so long I have striven to be perfect enough, holy enough, sane enough, faithful enough...or just plain ENOUGH. I have found myself  recently waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, fighting tears and just wondering "am I okay?" Like a child who has tripped and fallen, scraped their knees and shins, stands up assessing their situation and wonders if they should cry-if they are okay- or just to continue playing.

I focus on my failures- my rage, my anger, my bitterness, my SHAME and I wonder- Am I okay? I look down and see that my clothes are torn, my knees and shins are bruised and bleeding-don't even ask about the condition of my heart! God- am I okay? Am I going to make it? Do you accept me even though there are remnants of bitterness? Even though I am judgmental and critical of others?

In order to make any sort of progress, we HAVE to accept who we are and where we are. There is some intense freedom when we realize how broken and messed up we truly are-we are prone to sin and failure on a daily if not hourly basis. Yet-Jesus says we are clothed in righteousness, accepted, wanted, loved WITHOUT condition. So how do we reconcile the polarity of our situation? recognizing that we are wretched and poor in our sinful nature, yet clothed in righteousness, redeemed, CLEAN and WHOLE? I think it is actually simpler than we make it- we just accept it. We recognize who we are and what we are prone to without Jesus, and at the same moment, we accept who we are BECAUSE of Him.

He is glorified in our weaknesses as we lean on Him. He makes us more like Him as we lean on Him. The devil wants us to waste ample time focusing on the wretched fools that we are when Jesus wants us to focus on who He is and who we are IN Him.

I write as if this is second nature to me- but the opposite is true. I easily reject myself and all that God says about me in light of my failures and this is something that I am definitely working to root deep in my heart. When I mess up as a wife or mom, my husband comes over and gives me a hug and what is my response? To walk away-to shun myself as punishment. Think about it- if the enemy can get us to think about how awful we are, if he can get us to reject the gift that has been freely given, then our foundation is going to be on sinking sand- because we can count on nothing other than the redeeming, perfect, unconditional love of God!

Ownership

It's always something, I tell ya! I am just now coming to terms with my mother's illness. It appears that there is a name for her disease- it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Just like Autism and other mental illnesses, it appears on a spectrum from low functioning to high functioning and is characterized by a tendency to rage, have very little ability to regulate their emotions, be involved in risky behavior and a myriad of other things. I am no diagnostician, but when I typed up my mom's symptoms and behaviors, this seemed to fit almost perfectly.

In learning about this illness, I came to understand how her brain, from a very young age, was trained to respond out of fear and hopelessness, rejection and shame- this is called functioning in the primitive or lower brain- functioning solely out of the lymbic (sp?) system (emotion center of the brain). The emotion center of the brain is formed very early in life and shaped by how well an infant attaches and is secure in their environment and with their caregiver. Research shows that at least 3/4 of people diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) had some form of early childhood trauma. Obviously, the more severe, usually the worse the illness is. Without intervention, they grow up never evolving or learning new skills or learning new ways of coping. When a situation arises where someone of "normal" brain function would be able to think rationally, reason through it, and respond appropriately, their brain actually bypasses reason and goes straight to reaction. I've heard it said they live life our of a series of  knee jerk reactions. Their manipulation is usually not intentional- but comes out of a desperate need to control, to get back to safety. 

It is incredibly saddening to me. However much of a relief it is that I know there is a name, and a treatment, I cannot imagine the torment it must be to live life on a roller coaster. I've had the unfortunate experience of being along for the ride and that was more than enough for me- it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But the struggle remains- they have to choose treatment. I had wondered what it would take for my mom to realize it wasn't the rest of us with a problem, as one by one, people started pulling away from her because of the difficulty of being in relationship with an unstable person- thinking this has got to be the bottom! But it never is. I can't even put the sadness into words.

It is all starting to make sense now- the intense chaos I felt as a child, the craving to just be invisible, yet wanting desperately to be seen. The hesitation I often felt in being near her. Feeling at the age of 8 that I was on my own. That there was no one to listen to me, to play with me or care about my needs. Please understand, while I have my share of very painful memories, she was also kind and loving- which made it all the more a confusing mess. 

The journey is difficult- not just the part about seeing the reality for what it is, but taking ownership of the bad behaviors you learned that come much more naturally than the good behaviors you are supposed to have. For example- if you saw on a regular basis either you or your siblings being yelled at, grabbed by the arm in a forceful manner, being punished inappropriately (meaning punishment that was not given as a learning objective, but out of anger), etc- this is what comes naturally. That doesn't mean you can't learn from it and become better, learn self control and have patience- it just means it isn't the first thing that pops into your head when your child is acting out. 

Every time I see my sweet child's face, and I feel that anger rise up in me because of her disobedience, I am learning a few key things to take ownership of my own responsibility as her parent:

First- I pray- I cry out to God IN THAT MOMENT to help me-I ask out loud- one because it helps me to get out of my funk of thinking, and second because I know what it was like to be yelled at, berated, made to feel ashamed and stupid for minor infractions. I absolutely do not want my children growing up afraid of me, and thank God I get a choice. 

Second, I take a step back and remind myself "how can I make this teachable? Yes- I know I'm upset because she is throwing food on the floor for the 100th time today and I'm going to have to sweep again and my house will never be clean...but what is my priority here? My own selfishness or her security?"- and yes, I will do this until it becomes NATURAL for me to respond with patience and grace...I don't care how long it takes. Plain and simple, children physically cannot learn when they are afraid- so do this in a way that teaches them grace. If I need to and feel like at any point I could possibly snap and say something mean,  then I don't discipline at all. It's simply not worth the damage. 

Third- I hold myself accountable. First to God, then my husband and a few other trusted friends who I know will lovingly correct me and accept me when I mess up- but also refuse to let me get away with it. I realize this may sound extreme to some people, but I know the way I was raised and what was ingrained in my psyche before I had a choice in the matter- I don't take this lightly. 

Parenting is hard...it is not meant for the cowardly and selfish. There- I said it. We all have that tendency to want easy, want it our way, etc, but children do not exist for our selfish motives, and they don't exist for our happiness. God will use our children to help us to grow and develop the fruits of the spirit (love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control...hello! I'm feeling some conviction!), and we should humbly accept his "gift" to us. Parenting is a flesh killer, at the very minimum. It will test every fiber of your being (well, maybe not yours, but it certainly has mine!).

I realize I went on a tangent or a bunny trail- maybe I'll end up separating this blog into two separate posts later. But for now, this will have to do : ) 

God bless you today! Remember- God is our help!

Andrea

Construction

Over the last 3 years, the hospital I work at has undergone some serious construction. There is now a 9 story Children's Hospital in what used to be a parking lot. New roads have been paved and new parking structures now exist where there once was nothing. I found myself trying to remember what the old area used to look like before the process had begun, and I honestly couldn't picture it in my head. I would have to look back at pictures to remember what it used to look like.

 Isaiah 54:11 O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires.

¹² And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.

¹³ And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.

¹⁴ You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God’s will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."

I had been reading that verse the other day, and was reminded of it this morning as I thought of all the demolition, all the tearing down of the old and the rebuilding of the new- forgetting the terrible process of construction as I stared at the gorgeous, shimmering building.

This is what God does with us. This is the hope that we have in Him! If we let Him, he will make us into something beautiful, strong, and stable. He may choose to tear down walls we have erected to protect ourselves, He may tear us down to the very foundation, but if that foundation was built on anything other than Jesus, we can be certain we were not so stable in the first place. We can be assured that the master builder is building something good, even if the demolition process is heavy, hard and at times, completely devastating.

This is the hope we have in Him, and if we trust Him, He will complete the good work He started because He is faithful and He loves us. So let Him! Don't be discouraged when the process gets worse before it gets better- don't even be discouraged if you're completely flattened by the circumstances you face. This is a prime opportunity for God to be glorified and build you up from ashes once again. Keep allowing Him access to your heart and circumstances- invite Him into the mess

Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."

Letting Go...

Letting go is hard business. We can get ourselves in trouble when we involve ourselves in things we have no business understanding in the first place. Oops #159. My goal, of course was to gain some insight as to why I felt so poorly about my mother/childhood. I wanted our relationship to be better so I delved into understanding my past. I knew based on several books by Beth Moore, that you should only survey the ruins for as long as absolutely necessary so as not to stay in them- the key is learning when to leave it behind! (Another lesson learned the hard way!)

I think it is important to understand why we feel the things we do. For me, it was years of suppressed emotion that led me here. The Lord began to slowly unveil hidden places, hurting places in my heart- painful memories and emotions that were hard to face, but nonetheless would remain unless I allowed them to be dealt with.

Thus began the hard task of trying to reconcile with my mother. We were not estranged by any means, but I kept my distance for several good reasons. I kept her out of my life because she hurt me. I loved her with condition. I carried years and years of resentment and bitterness towards her. It was not a good place to be. I think after my dad died, she wanted to make things right but didn't really have the skills to face her own monsters, much less, face me- the one exposing them. Keep in mind, I did not expose them publicly- I only shared with her certain things she had done that had wounded me and only because she asked. I didn't feel it would be good for either of us to sit down and list off every painful experience- after all, could any of us stand under the weight of that? I know I couldn't.

It became clear, fairly quickly, that she was not ready for this part of the process and I would have to do the work of forgiving someone who refused to acknowledge that I saw and felt things very differently then she did. While I gained a truck load of understanding and insight as to WHY things happened as they did, it did not take care of the hurt I received at the brunt end of it. I was missing a huge piece to the puzzle: The apology. While this is not necessary to be able to forgive, it sure would have been easier!

As I mentioned before, the final stage in forgiveness (it is cyclical, not linear), is allowing a hard heart to become soft again and let the anger and unforgiveness turn to hurt. In order for this to happen, God has to show up. I can tell you from experience that while words of comfort from friends and mentors add a little, the hole of hurt and rejection leave a hole no person is fit to fill. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and AMAZING friends...but God has designed us in a way that we really can only be satisfied by him.

I had allowed myself to make a god out of this situation- going over and over every detail, analyzing and reanalyzing- maybe if had said this instead of that, she would have acknowledged. She would say she's sorry and then I'd have the mom I always wanted.  And oh, the times I said things I shouldn't have! The times others gossiped and shared things with her what were meant only for trusting ears! The weight of guilt and shame and disappointment was profound, to say the least, almost devastating. I cannot change this. I cannot fix this. Everything I've tried has failed. Lord, what can I do?

I was afraid to let go and let God. I had become addicted to fixing this problem. I was afraid that He was just waiting to punish me for the mistakes I'd made. But His love came rushing in- like mad. Someone gave me a word and I felt for the first time since all this brokenness began, God's love covering my heart. It wasn't about anything I had done or ever would do! Finally, I understood- there is NOTHING that can separate me from His love. Not even my own failures. I saw him place a stamp over my heart that said "accepted". I may have been rejected by my mother, failed by my father and gossiped about by those who don't know me- but none of that matters. I can let go, because I know the one who is holding me, and will lead me to solid ground.

And then it hit me: This is how I can love my mother. This love, that accepts me as I am, weak and failing, a broken hot mess- without condition! It is not dependent on my successes or failures- this love will allow me to love others the way that God has loved me. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us."

I don't know where God is leading from here, but I am believing for good things.

My prayer for you is this:  Ephesians 3:18 "[That you may really come] to know [practically, ^[e]through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses ^[f]mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being]^[g]unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and ^[h]become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!"

God bless you today!

The Hurt and the Healer

As you know, I am on the journey of forgiveness. To say I've taken a few detours along the way would be an understatement. I guess I should say that I was more surprised at the depth of the pain that would be involved in facing these things head on, and the depth of my own need of forgiveness and grace.

I have heard and read that there are stages of forgiveness just like there are stages of grief, and while you may work through the majority of one stage, there is still the occasional "visit" back to one of those stages. The final stage of forgiveness is when you allow your angry heart to unfreeze and allow the anger to turn into pain, disappointment or hurt- whatever the primary emotion was that caused it in the first place. This has been the most painful stage. I do not like it and I wish I could run from it- I really do. But I know I'm close to the finish line of my freedom and do not want all this hard work to be wasted!!!

When others have failed you, when you have exposed your deepest needs, desires, or hurts and then are rejected or mocked or shamed, your only option is to harden your heart to survive the constant blows. Once you work through the understanding why the person hurt you, acknowledging your feelings and owning that your healing is now in your hands (and God's), the last stage (I HOPE!) is the final wrap up. Where you expose the wounds, let down the guard of anger or hard heartedness and let God heal the wounds. The reason this is so scary is because every prior attempt at this has been twarted, and you were likely only left more wounded then when you first began. I had slowly begun to let others in on the pain party, but even their words were of no comfort. I needed to hear from The Healer- God himself. 

I really struggled with this. I wanted so badly to forgive, but was bombarded with comparison, guilt, shame, and deep rooted bitterness. I wanted my healing but needed someone to pay. I somehow couldn't manage to let the walls down. I was terrified- literally terrified- that God would come into this weak place and list off all my failures, all my short comings, blow my heart to smithereens. 

Well, our God is gracious. Before my wounds were, He provided a healer. He knew I couldn't take this apart myself and had generously provided a way to lead me out. Two of our pastors with a healing ministry had posted a comment on facebook stating that if anyone needed prayer for broken body parts to please message them and they would begin to pray for healing. I thought about messaging them, but then dismissed it...kept thinking about it, until I finally thought "a broken heart counts right?" and messaged them a very nutshell version of my story.

I turned on some worship music and just began to pray for my own healing. That I would allow God in to that broken place- lord knows what I would become if He didn't help me. I received a message on my way home from work, and stopped to read it as I sat in my car. I'm not exaggerating- what God did was nothing short of a miracle. Just reading through the prayer, my heart changed. I felt the love of God pour down over me- pouring His acceptance of me, removing the condemnation, the shame, the fear of failure. I felt, for the first time in a long time, safe with Him. It was no longer dependent on anything I can do for him. I have nothing in myself to please him, yet He accepts me! The weight was lifted and I felt hope fill the place where there has been so much brokenness. 

Now, I remember things, I still choose to forgive whether I feel the love for that person or not, but I am resting the progress and the fruit on God's shoulders. I know there is nothing I can do in myself to please Him, yet in His great love- He has forgiven me. He has placed His seal of approval on my heart and declared me clean. I know where this is going- as it should! This love will allow me to forgive and accept others. 

It is a HUGE reminder that "apart from Him, I can do nothing." I can rest in the fact that I'm not perfect and never will be, and I can give grace to others who have failed me as well. Again- I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Be encouraged today! We so easily can get in a religious way and think we can actually do something for God to love us, or that in some way, we could lose His love- there is nothing- not a single thing on this earth that can separate us from His love. I pray that as you read this, the Holy Spirit will fill you with a deep understanding of His love for you- that it will break of any guilt or condemnation, any hindrance to running fully to Him. 

Blessings!

Surrender

I am learning that the life of a Christian is a surrendered life...and it is not always easy to lay things down. I am STILL learning to forgive my mom- this is a daily and sometimes hourly process for me- I cannot lie about that.

This last year has been a whirlwind. Almost a year ago, I found out I had an old injury that was contributing to the anxiety I was feeling (due to injury of some areas that control my adrenal and thyroid gland). At the same time, it was apparent that my coping skills were VASTLY underdeveloped, and I went in search of a qualified Christian counselor to help walk me through some very murky waters. I have learned a lot and have been greatly humbled by the process.

I learned, through my own physical illness and limitations, that God wants us to take care of our bodies! It's so important because healthy emotions are reliant upon healthy bodies- this means correcting deficiencies that could be contributing to any problems. I had a major fear of having panic attacks as my mom had them virtually all her life. I had a week of them  that led me to discover the head injury and let me tell you- it is hell on earth. Waking up in a sweat, heart pounding straight out of your chest, and in an instant, over the toilet...trying to catch your breath. It literally feels like you are dying. I also learned that my body doesn't absorb Vitamin B like it should, so even taking a supplement is not enough for me. (Vitamin B is highly important for mood, energy, etc).  Though I was at first angry at the Lord for allowing me to experience this after "all we've been through" (ha!), through it, he placed in me an understanding and compassion for my mother that I probably would have never had.

I am extremely grateful for the care I received and that through quick intervention, this will not be a lifelong pattern for me. As I was saying, it helped me to understand how difficult it would have been for my mom to have raised 4 children under such a constant onslaught of attacks.

This brings me back to the forgiveness piece. Part of the process is gaining an understanding for the person who hurt you. It is a hard process. I have separated myself from my mom so that I could heal and to give God time to deal with my heart and to truly forgive her. To allow myself the space to say "that hurt me, this is not okay" as I have an awful tendency to pretend things don't bother me or that nothing hurts me (it was my way of surviving for a time). But God wants us to have healthy emotions! So, through counsel, I am learning how to allow that anger to turn into hurt, and also praying for God to unfreeze my heart that has been hardened by pain.

It is frustrating, and slow. One day I'll be doing just great, and then the next, something will trigger a conversation or words said and bam- I'm seemingly right back at square one. But I have noticed something: my heart towards her IS changing (THANK YOU GOD!)- I am remembering more good things and it is becoming easier to forgive. That being said, I have still chosen not to move any closer to her for the time being (not initiating phone calls, texts or email). I would hate to move too close too fast and have all that work be undone! As my good friend says "it's like allowing yourself to be thrown into the pit that God graciously has worked so hard to pull you out of!" SOOOO true.

I am believing that even if she never changes, my heart will be well enough to have grace for her and tolerate her more. If God want's to do more, then GREAT! But, my focus is solely on allowing God to do what He needs to do in me. He has been faithful to use this hard and ugly thing to untangle the knots and fears that have held me captive for so long.

OH, one more thing! There is power in our praise and worship! I am learning that although it may not magically cause God to change our circumstances, it DOES give us the grace to soar above them...once again, I am not a perfect example of this! Just a tool I am learning to use.

God bless you today.

No fear in love

^{1 John 4:18} There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

This is one of my favorite verses of all time, yet, many of us (including myself!) never understand that perfect love and how love itself can drive away fear. I am just now starting to understand how perfect God's love is, and what that means. To understand this love that is stronger than death, we must first understand how one can die without it.

As infants, our brains develop only once they have securely and lovingly attached to the parent or caregiver. Knowing that one is sufficiently loved, he or she  can then go on to develop other necessary parts and learn and grow in complete health. When children are starved of that love, whether by neglect, abuse or whatever, they fail to thrive (this is where the term 'failure to thrive' came about, although there are some other causes of this as well, but for this post, bear with my original idea).

Whether we have had perfect parents, or not so perfect parents- all of our worldly examples pale in comparison to our perfect God. All other loves are counterfeit in comparison to His. I used to view God through a broken lens, I used to view that He was like certain people that have failed me, and that if His love was a broken and selfish as theirs, I wanted nothing to do with it. But then I learned that HIS love is perfect, that as perfect as others may seem, their love is still only a shadow or a taste of His love for us. 

I used to read this verse at a distance- wondering what this perfect love was like- wondering what it mean for perfect love to "cast out fear", as the two most important examples in my life tended to usher fear into the relationship, not cast it out. 

I don't know how it is happening, other then asking for a lot of prayer and praying in the love of God. IT says in the word that we are to know and understand and be deeply rooted in the love of God. His love is ESSENTIAL to our growth an development! If we don't find our security, our establishment and identity in His love, we too will fail to thrive. We will be easily wounded, proud, bitter, selfish and self seeking. But when we know and grow our roots down deep into His love, we become more like love HIMSELF- as God is love! The roots of his love begin to crowd out and overthrow roots of anything that is not like him.

Recently, I've been struggling with some issues of rejection. It seems this mom issue was more deeply intertwined than I care to admit! Roots of shame, bitterness, guilt, and rejection were so deeply established that once I get rid of one,  I realize another issue is sitting there as well. This issue with my mom has shown me how much I care about what others think of me, that I have allowed their disapproval and attacks shape the way I think about myself. Talk about identity crisis! 

How can God use situations like this? Their ugliness, bumpiness, swampiness? Perhaps He uses them to reveal how desperately needy for His love we have been all along! Stripped of everything that once caused us to feel secure and safe, we left with two choices: run to the world (drugs, food, alcohol, wrong relationships which will all inevitably fail us), or run to the Father, risk exposure and look at the root of the hurt in the first place and be restored. It is painful, I won't lie- but at what point do we leave the facade behind, the expectations of what everyone else wants us to be, and everything we are not that they make us so painfully aware of, and just BE who God made us to be? 

Perfect love casts OUT fear. I was just thinking and praying about starting a small group, and all in the same second became terrified- what if I fail? What if I jump in and realize I really have nothing to give? In that moment, I sensed God smile, we need not fear because His love is perfect towards us. He knows that our heart is to do good, to please and honor him, to serve him. He is not asking for perfection, just willingness. 

I read a story somewhere recently of a little girl who wanted to pick flowers for her mother. She plucked a few daisies, went in to grab a vase- which was too high off the ground. As she reached for it, it toppled to the ground and shattered into pieces. The mom went to the child, swooped her up and although she was upset about the broken vase, told the child how thoughtful the gift was and how much she loved her.  That is an example of perfect love- we try to do good, but end up maybe making a few mistakes or errors along the way. 

It is ONLY His love that drives out insecurity, fear of failure or wondering if we matter at all. I'm still a work in progress, and won't fully understand His love until we are face to face, but I want to be established in that love- that nothing else might move me! I pray the same for you.

Be encouraged today! God loves you right as you are, messed up as you are, broken as you are and discouraged as you are. Rest in His perfect love today.

Now

I feel like a walking heartache. Doing hard things not only requires hard work, but is often accompanied by wonderings and wanderings and a whole lot of misunderstanding. This, at least, has been the case for me.

I didn't ask for this- no. It was laid on my doorstep and would not move out of the way when I tried to leave. I am talking, of course, about my mother. I don't like to use the word drama, because that implies that BOTH parties were slinging mud. I was simply, and have only been, holding ground and not letting that thing on the door step any longer into my house- so to speak : )

I cannot imagine what life would be like if my dad had never gotten sick. It simply does not exist in my mind. Prior to his illness, God had only given me glimpses of my hurt toward my mother, but nothing had brought me to the edge of losing it as his illness did. I have always felt like the parent in the relationship, as I've said before. That I had to hide my truest self from her lest she spot a weakness and decide to infuse fear and insecurity in it's place. I had to be strong enough not to depend on her, because she needed me to support her for her own problems.  I am sure, his illness and the pressure on her left her more unstable than her normal self. I can only imagine and there is GRACE for that. But what happened afterwards, I will probably never understand. I only know that her and I see things very differently.

If I could grieve for a moment or two, it would be for the mother I never had. The one who always, unknowingly, stepped over lines and hurt me out of her own hurt. I grieve for the mother I didn't have when celebrating my first pregnancy-she was too busy building a case against me. I grieve for the relationship that was broken a long time ago, and one that I may never have in her. I grieve for the fact that I cannot simply enjoy myself in her presence- because I am always guarded- even without knowing it. But, to be completely honest, I don't know it any other way. It has been YEARS since things were peaceful, but I have learned, that peace at any cost is not always healthy. Funny, I remember her telling me that!

I am learning that it's okay to be myself, have a voice, an opinion, a failure or two, boundaries and I don't have to change that. It's okay for me to not want to be close right now. All this time, I thought my aim would be to come to a place where the boundaries could be down, non existent, all laughter and no tears. Now, I realize that, more than likely, the future will look much different. That she will never have the role in my life that I long for or picture in my head. I hurt for her too- because she really does not seem to understand why or how any of this happened. I know how she views this and I am sad that she has lost valuable relationship with myself and my daughter because of poor choices.

The biggest thing I'm learning right now...get ready for this: I am to be defined by no one but God. This is true for EVERYONE! We can't base our sense of security or worth on what others think of us. I'm not talking about submitting yourself to Godly counsel and wisdom- that is a must! But still, those things shouldn't define who and WHOSE we are. I have, ALL THIS TIME, felt an enormous, unbearable amount of guilt and shame. Reading those words now, I try to come up with a legitimate reason why- but there is none. I have walked around feeling like a failure, feeling like I don't belong, and that surely if she thinks those things than others must too, and then they must be true! That if people REALLY knew me...oh boy, they would laugh, and point and make a mockery of me. They would be the first to see my failures and the last to acknowledge my success. Keep in mind- I have been ignoring the voices I should be listening to! God, for starters, my husband (although he is biased), and my amazing friends who I know without a doubt, would step in and call me on it if they needed to. He has been more than faithful to provide others in her place.

I do want to have some sort of relationship with her. No contact has been really hard. I'm just not sure where to start, where to open the door or what it will look like. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Wishy Washy

Guh. Why can't progress remain progress, no going forward and going backwards? I think I am still having a hard time really accepting my decision to go almost no contact with my mother. Thankfully, the Lord is helping me to forget most of the painful memories of my childhood. One of the things I struggle with is that she also did good things. This is what makes the bad things so confusing. How can someone who had so consistently hurt me, also love me? I understand, as a mother, we all get exhausted, yell more than we should or say things we don't mean. This is not what I'm talking about. Her behavior was what no one would consider normal.

As I have said before, my mom was abused as a child- severely neglected and treated very poorly. This breaks my heart, and while I know it breaks God's heart that this happened, I know too, that her behavior is not okay with him. It was not his design or intention for her to carry out the legacy of abuse. Unfortunately the phrase "hurt people, hurt people" is very true- unless we choose otherwise! Just because someone punches you in the face, does not mean you have to turn around and do the same to others. I understand that her brain was changed as a result of that damage, and a lot of her behavior- manipulation, control, feelings of rejection- are defense mechanisms that she has used to survive for years.

One thing I struggle with is that I am a very sensitive, compassionate person. I have DEEP compassion for my mother. I can vaguely imagine the pain she must have endured as a child, and I desperately want her to know the healing I have experienced in the body of Christ. Yet, being in relationship with her, is hard. I do not feel like I should enable someone or excuse their bad behavior just because their childhood was sad- after all, if I did the same thing to my daughter, would she accept that excuse in exchange for her feelings? I don't think so. All that to say, I understand why she did it, I have compassion for that. I have very little understanding of STAYING in that place when you know there is help out there. There could be a million reasons for this.

I have decided to take a time-out of sorts and regroup. Give myself the time I need to heal and recover and focus on my family and our future. Deal with my bitterness and heartache. I'm really trying to grasp that it's not my responsibility to heal her or fix her. It is not my fault.

It bothers me that other family members make excuses for her behavior and minimize their own feelings because they feel sorry for her. I have compassion, I'm not sure I feel sorry for her. Maybe that is wrong.  I'm not sure if there really is a difference between the two.

What I hate, is that I feel like I CANT be happy or that I don't deserve to be happy because she is unhappy. But, the reality is, her happiness is up to her. I have to retrain the way I think about this.

If things were different.

So, I'm in the process of letting go of expectations. It's amazing how powerful expectations can be! They leave room for failure and disappointment where none existed before.

I am realizing, maybe for the first time, what I never had. Somehow, having a daughter of my own puts this right in front of my face on a daily basis. Not so much memories of bad things that happened (although this happens too), but more so what WASNT there: relationship.

This is not a pity party- but rather just a filing away of sadness that I've been holding on to for far too long.

I wish I had had a mom I felt safe sharing ME with, instead I felt/feel defensive in her presence- like I had to hide the real me or anything that just didn't fit with her agenda for the day. I wish I had a mom I could tell secrets and struggles with- knowing she would pray for me and encourage me- not blab my troubles with the world and everyone I DONT want to know. I wish I didn't have to defend myself as if I were on trial for some crime. I wish I had a mom I felt I could be alone with without wondering when she is going to sneak in some comment I wasn't prepared for, corner me for answers I don't want to give and that she doesn't want to hear anyway. I wish I had a mom I could invite to my birthday parties, the movies or shopping. I wish I had a mom who was healthy and non-toxic, mature and not self centered. I wish I had a mom who I felt comfortable enough having her over to my messy house and not feel embarrassed about it or like I have to hurry and clean.

Obviously, the list could go on and on. But the reality is, she appears to only be able to think of  herself and her wants, not the needs and feelings of others and that is something I have come to accept. I think this is actually a defense mechanism. I have come to accept that in her presence, I will likely always have to be someone else, or at least, not entirely myself.

Family Vacation

Growing up, family vacations were always a big deal and we loved them. I mean, they always contained a certain amount of chaos, but that's pretty normal for a family of 6. This past weekend, we went as a family to the beach...without my dad.

I had not spoken to my mom in several weeks before this event and was very nervous-I was starting to go down the dangerous road of preparing myself for every possible argument and all that I would say if I could say everything I want to say! I had to check myself, and just began to pray. I prayed for a good weekend, that her angry, manipulative ways would be silenced and that there would be no drama. I prayed that God would help me to love her, because I do not like her...I want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I prayed that any remarks or comments would just roll right off my back and would not be noticed unless I absolutely needed to confront something.

When we arrived, I said hello to her and her boyfriend, she looked past me and went straight for my daughter, saying how much she missed her. I expected this and was neither surprised of offended by it, actually I was relieved. The pressure was off of me. I wanted to give her as much time to play with our daughter as we could this weekend, so that maybe she wouldn't bother me so much for time with her in the future. My plan didn't go as I had hoped, as my Darling was teething and clinging to me like nobody's business. So much for relaxing!

This was our first family vacation that everyone was able to attend in almost 10 years. It was so good to spend some quality time laughing and joking with my brothers...they remind me so much of my dad. I felt like he was there. But I also felt his absence. It made me miss him even more. Not to mention my moms new boyfriend is NOTHING like my dad. His humor is like dry toast and he weighs about as much as one of my dad's forearms! Has no like for food (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!), and doesn't talk much. My dad was the polar opposite- life of the party, always pranking, laughing and eating. Man I miss him!

I think one of the things that makes me angry is that I feel like she used his sickness and brought all eyes on her. I had heard her say several times before my dad actually got cancer, "Tom, why don't you just die so I can get your insurance policy...at least then this will have been worth something.." WHAT?! Who says that? And even worse...who means that?! She meant every word. I have no doubt in my mind that she really had convinced herself he was no good and she would be just fine without him. I often wonder if she remembers those words. I pray to God she doesn't. That would be a heavy burden to bear. So the crazy part is her response to sickness. I was too caught up in his illness to allow myself to really accept these things for what they were, but the focus was clearly not on him, it became all about her and how hard this was for her. All of a sudden, nobody else mattered. (Please know, I understand that she carried a large burden by taking care of my dad- that is not to be minimized, and she did it well. What bothers is below)

When her and I started butting heads (which was over NOTHING!) she could only point out how difficult I was making this for her, and how inconsiderate I was for bringing up issues at a time like this...yet she did not consider the fact that I was pregnant, my husband unemployed, and my father severely ill. She could not see anyone's suffering but her own. I was stunned that my own mother could have such a disregard for her own child. I understand WHY...there is something wrong with her, yet thinking about it feels like someone is rubbing my brain against a cheese grater. I can hardly believe this is truly happening. How did it get so bad? Was it always this bad and I was just too young to realize it? Must be so. Others began pointing strange comments out to me before I had come to the realization myself. Oy.

I feel like I have come a long way in the last year. I am now able to say how I feel, make a decision and stick to it, and say "I can't do such and such" and not feel guilty, whereas before, I would panic, break out in a cold sweat just THINKING about what I had to say to her. I still hide things from her, to avoid her saying "why are you doing that?" or "how come her other grandparents get to see her all the time but I never do." I do not feel guilty for taking space- I desperately need it. I need it to grieve,  to live and to grow. To regain my emotional health- this is vital! 

All in all, the weekend was great. I still need some time processing, but I'm thanking God there was no major  chaos!

Save the drama for your mama...oh, wait...

I don't even know for sure what that statement/slogan means, but regardless, it fits my life right now...DRAMA and MAMA.

I've been doing some serious reevaluating of my relationship with my mother. It has been a hellish process, with way too many ups and downs to count, and a whole lot of circling the same mountain. A journey I wish I didn't have to go on, but nonetheless, we are here.

As you know, I started out on this journey of trying to reconcile my relationship with my mother about 2 years ago- out of complete naivete, but pure motives. I wanted a relationship with her, but I didn't realize how difficult that would be- to forget and forgive the past.  I didn't fully understand that reconciliation and the bringing of peace requires that both parties actually want peace and healing. If one doesn't want peace, it's like dragging a 2 ton truck behind you by your teeth... it just isn't going to work. I have to accept her limitations and decision to only go so far in this and move on.

There have been some successes, although what I now consider success is completely different than what I used to consider success. I used to think of success in this situation as having the perfect mother-daughter relationship. Now, my view of success is not giving in to the manipulation and crying and threats and backlash that come with me speaking from my heart. Granted, I still have to call my friends before and after pretty much each encounter with my mom, but I'm still holding ground!!

So, what caused me to make this decision? Well...about a hundred conversations about the same thing that brought no change. It's like I'm talking in words and all she hears is "wah wah, wah wah, wa wa wa wah." I just plain got worn out! For reasons I do not understand, no matter how hard I try, what language I use, different phrasing, different surroundings, email, phone, or in person, we just cannot get on the same page!  My husband told me "no more...we've been dealing with this long enough. I'm tired of seeing your so sad and broken over this!" That's where I drew the line. One minute she would send me an email saying how much she loves me and thinks I'm a wonderful person and would do anything to have a relationship with me, and the next, she is ignoring my texts, telling me to stop blaming her and listing off her faults (which has never been done), and intolerant of any kind of REAL communication. What I mean by real communication is speaking clearly, knowing what I mean to say and saying exactly what I mean. She just doesn't seem to be able to handle the truth very well. And by truth, all I'm talking about is saying "mom, it hurts my feelings when you belittle me"...her response would be vastly out of proportion- something like "Well, I'm tired of getting emails about all my failures from you." Um....

Someone suggested that maybe she has some sort of personality disorder. I never really allowed myself to think this because I didn't want to put her in a box, but I think too I wasn't ready to let go of what I cannot change. So, I did some research and found some pretty dead on descriptions of her behavior- and perhaps for the first time, I was able to see this situation almost as an outsider...this is NOT normal. Not necessarily a mental illness, per se, but definitely bizarre and dysfunctional. Crap.  Now what am I supposed to do? Doesn't Jesus say to love your enemies? Bless those who curse you? Do good to those who persecute you? Hand over your right cheek when they've just slapped your left? Absolutely...but I guarantee you, lying, manipulation, gossip, a spirit of control, etc are not of God. He does not want us to to submit  to any authority (especially negative!) other than what He ordains and orchestrates. The word also says not to deliver an angry man when he is out of line, or he will surely do it again.  It also says bad company corrupts good character. For some reason, at this time, she does not seem to be able to see outside of herself and view the perspective of others, and not able to offer compassion or empathy for the fact that whether she meant to or not, she has caused a great deal of pain.

So, with a lot of prayer and outside counsel, I finally realized it was time to let go...move on. Take the time to heal up-really heal up. As one of my friends put it, if your burn your hand and keep putting it over the fire, you will never heal! You have to remove your hand from the flame and then it can heal fully. Duh. Why is it taking me so stinking long to GET IT?! Because it's hard. It's not a normal situation and it's ugly. That's why.

Is it possible that by stepping back and giving distance I could actually be saving myself from falling into the same sin?From becoming so hard hearted that I actually CANT love her? From wanting to reittaliate for all the stuff she has knowingly and unknowingly put me through? Yes...I can forgive much more easily when she isn't constantly reoffending. Sometimes when you pray and pray and pray for the grace to come onto a situation, and it just never does, it's time to MOVE ON. Forgive them, pray for them and bless them and then move on! Not that God doesn't give us grace, but maybe He is directing it somewhere where it will actually bear fruit!

I haven't talked to her in almost a week, and the more time I spend away from her, the better I feel. I feel like I'm not walking around bound up in fear over what she will think if I say such and such, or what her next retaliation move will be. This is not to say there will be distance forever, but that I'm not planning on having any more discussions or conversations about our relationship. I will see her occasionally (most likely with someone else present), and we will pray about when to move in closer.

I realize to people who don't understand the situation or all that it entails, it looks selfish, unkind, and ungodly. I however, I firmly believe that God wants us to have healthy, thriving relationships with people. And I also believe it's wisdom to limit contact with people who are negative and just in general suck the life out of you.

I do pray for her continued release from her past and the things that led her to behave and hurt as she does. It makes me incredibly sad to think of the heartache that has taken root to bitterness and some kind of evil in her heart. I may never fully understand what and how and why, but I still pray that God will lead her to her healing.

Missed Laughter

It is strange. I have many sad memories of my dad because of the year and a half he spent very ill. Maybe that's why it was somewhat easy to accept his death- because it was slow and painful and it felt easier to let him go than to watch him in misery all the time.

Because of the length of time he was sick, I feel like most of my memories are of him being ill, not the before  when he was healthy. But recently, happy memories have started filling up space- but even those are sad. All 4 of us kids have my dad's insane sense of humor. I saw a funny post on pinterest and immediately thought of my dad and how hysterical he would find this!!! I remembered his laugh for the first time in a while- and it felt good...but bad all at the same time. I miss his joy.

You see, when they are sick, it's easy to let them go because the life they have coming is a million times better than the life they are leaving behind. But when I remember the GOOD, the funny, the happy- that's when I miss him the most. I can't help but wonder how he would be to my daughter, or how different our lives would be if he were here.

I find myself weeping more recently. It seems to come in waves. There are seasons where there is just numbness, and seasons where whenever anyone asks "are your parents still together?" Or "where do your parents live?" that I just cant help but cry.

I miss his laugh- I think his joy saved my life. My mom is a very serious person. I remember it used to always startle me when she would laugh- I would think to myself "man, I wish she did that more often." Now that my dad is gone- I'm left with the unhappy one. The wounded one who chooses not to get better- even though her family has paid the price. I'm left dealing with the one who takes her anger out on me just for being me. Just for having boundaries. Just for saying "no". Just for sharing my feelings.

So, I have to let go. I have to let go of the expectation that she will ever be different- because pressing for change is only making matters worse. But this is hard because that means I now have to grieve the loss of my mother and all that she may never be to me. The strange thing is that this has surfaced what has been there all along- the pain of not having her there in the first place. Me trying to change her or bring change . Now I have to let go of what will likely never be due to her own limitations.

But this is the only way I can love her- is if I choose to accept her as she is with her limitations. Im not sure if there is some "mental illness" involved, I hate using that label- but she definitely is not emotionally well- and her emotional unwell-ness is rubbing off and hindering my getting-well! Its like being on a never ending roller coaster ride while the other person is punching and kicking you all the while. The only way to be safe and get help is to say "sayonara!" and let them ride that one by themselves.

My hope will always be for her well being, her healing and restoration- but GOD ALONE can do that...God alone. No one else. Now- it's time for me to get my healing.

God bless.

Angry day!

Oh Lordy...Why do I have to learn the hard way...every time?! Okay, maybe not every time...but most times it seems I have to take the long, arduous, painful road. I'm learning that sometimes God delivers us FROM something, and other times He delivers us THROUGH the process. I call this refiners fire: the heat of the furnace breaks some of the chains that bind us.

For me, forgiving my mom has come in pieces. As memories surface, I get angry for a bit (or maybe longer than a bit depending on the day!) and then I have to choose to release them. It is becoming easier and easier to let things go, to forgive quicker than the last time, to pick myself up again after a fall.

I've mentioned before that when I was 13, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder- I was OBSESSED with being perfect before God. Everything I did had to be perfect, and when I messed up by thinking something awful or bad, I would punish myself. While there can be many factors that influence how this shows up in a persons life, I believe mine was largely influenced by the atmosphere of our home. I didn't have a place where I could go with my fears, my worries or anxieties, and on top of that, I had a mother who was often quick to lash out in anger and point out my imperfections. Needless to say, I didn't really feel like I was okay, or acceptable as I was.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, a lot. Our parents have a profound impact on our emotional, physical and spiritual health. They help us form our view of ourselves and God. If one is not accepted by their parents, then what makes them think they would be accepted by the perfect God of the universe? So I found myself just the other day, all worked up by the mountain that was beginning to form of all of my problems and imperfections. I was all anxious and up tight...almost spiraling out of control. I began to pray "God, where is this coming from?". I realize that is probably obvious to the rest of you- but for me, in order to get over the negative, it helps me to understand who spoke it, what the words were, and then I can give it to God and receive His truth for my situation.

I realize like this could easily look like I blame everything on my mother- and it is true, she did a lot of damage. But my real enemy was the devil. He invested a lot of time, resources and energy into ruining my life- but glory to God, it will not stay that way! He used her like a puppet on strings to poke, prod, speak evil and breathe lies.

Back to what I was saying- I realized that I would spend a great deal of time trying to be perfect so that my mom wouldnt' find something to pick on. I could have lost weight, looked awesome, gotten my hair done all nice, and she would pick out the ONE THING that was out of place. I would actually pray when my face broke out that she didn't notice, because inevitably she would point it out.

So began my fear of God. Not the good kind! I would spend my time trying to be perfect for him- hiding from His presence because I was afraid that he would pick on me. That he would see the one weakness I had forgotten to perfect and humiliate me for it. I began to dread my devotional times, because all my time was spent trying to earn something and hide something else. And then the flood of tears came.The pain of not being accepted. The craving to just be loved, and yet being terrified to open myself up because I had already been so wounded. The fear that I could somehow inadvertently do this to my own child.

I spent the day feeling angry- angry that I have so much garbage to sort through. Angry that it wasn't my fault and yet I am left with the wounds and scars. If I'm not careful, an opportunity for healing can easily turn into a pity party. So I'm learning to be quick to turn immediately to the Lord. If not, I open myself up to torment because of unforgiveness.

 I am reminded of the story of the blind begger in the new testament. The disciples asked "what has this man or his parents done that caused him to be this way", and Jesus pointed out that it wasn't because of some sin, it was so that His power and glory could be manifested. I do believe sometimes God allows us to walk through things so that we can know Him in a deeper way. He doesn't always deliver us from, but He delivers us through. One step at a time. One moment of obedience at a time.

I can be honest in saying that I don't really like my mother- but I am learning to love and forgive her, and I pray that someday Jesus will help me to actually like her for who she is, accepting her weaknesses and failures, as we ALL have them, and we are ALL prone to failure.

Everything is a process

Even redeeming is a process. The word redeem means to "buy back" or "to recover". I imagine it's somewhat more like an archaeologist digging for ruins- they brush and they scrape away carefully and slowly, until piece by piece, the original design is brought forth.

I've been struggling with forgiveness again lately. I don't know if it's because 1 week from today marks the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death- and all that came with it. Little did I know that his death was only the beginning of a much larger process- forgiving my mom. When my dad died, I lost the mediator or buffer between my mom and myself. and that terrified me! God, of course is my mediator- but much less visible at times : )

Memories have started popping up- and I immediately have to remind myself "nope! I've forgiven this- Lord help me to forgive!."

Perhaps what spurned this new influx of frustration toward my mother was a recent conversation where I was reminded of her unchanged behavior.  Every conversation again circles around her and her life and her problems and then maybe a little blip or a question about me. Please know- she can be kind, thoughtful and caring- but I think deep down she really doesn't know HOW to love me- how to be unselfish. My idealistic/visionary self sees what could be, the relationship we could have if only this or that, and then conversations like this pull me right back to reality.And reality bites sometimes.

For YEARS, I gave and gave and gave to make my mom feel good about herself. I denied who I was and how I felt for fear that it would be too much. She couldn't seem to handle her own emotions, much less mine. And don't even consider speaking up- because we all know what happens when you do that. Once I learn to accept the reality of the situation, it actually releases me of the condemnation- the old tape that plays in my head of what a terrible daughter I am for not being "enough" for my own mother.

But once I accept that this is where she is, and this is where I am and it is OKAY for me to separate myself for a bit- it is okay if the extent of our relationship is somewhat long distance and it's okay that we are not best friends- then for some reason, I chill out- the pressure is off- and those old tapes of condemnation and guilt just stop playing. I guess i'm just a little discouraged that I still struggle with this from time to time.

Our God is gracious. I am so grateful that He puts loving people to support and encourage us along the way.