Dismantling Shame

I want to talk about some past experiences that I have learned from, and gained insight into as the years have passed by. A few years ago, I was on the receiving end of a very bitter dissolving of a friendship. I had reached out to a friend after the passing of my mother, and decided to be vulnerable and let her know what my needs were. This was a HUGE step for me in my healing process, and something I would have never done before. I knew that she could say no, and I made my peace with that. I was prepared for her to not be able to be there for me. What I did not expect however, was to be told that I wasn't allowed to have needs, and that my needs were inappropriate and wrong, and that I was only to take those deep things to Jesus. Now- there is a God sized hole that we all have in our lives, and there are certain areas that only he can feel. But we cannot deny the need for community and relationship- we were designed for it. And in many regards, we only heal from past relationship disasters through healthy relationship interactions.

Now, a healthy person may be on the receiving end of this and say "well...that is a load of poop! I don't believe a word you say!" That was not my reaction, however.

You may be wondering as the reader, why did it stick? Why did I believe it? Shouldn't I, a grown adult woman, know what is true of myself? Well, not necessarily. For starters, I was raised in an environment where my intuition, my feelings and perceptions were constantly in question. I was rarely validated, and thus I never learned the importance of validating myself. As I've said in many previous posts, my mother suffered from Borderline personality disorder. It was pervasive and permeated every corner of her life, and subsequently our lives. I was wired for dysfunction, to put it lightly. I tend to feel that I am responsible for the reactions and responses of others, because that's how I was raised. It was my fault if my mother flew into a rage. It was my fault if she was sad, or distressed or just didn't want to be a mom that day. As I got older, and TRIED to individuate and differentiate,  as children are meant to do, my every move, and intention was questioned if it did not suit her needs. This made me feel crazy. I was told, on a regular basis, how I ought to feel, that my feelings were not normal, that I was crazy and incapable of making decisions, etc. These were all projections, but I believed for the majority of my life that there was something was profoundly wrong with me on a very basic level. I was raised to believe I was incapable of handling life. 

Fast forward, and what do you get? I was terribly anxious about making decisions...even little decisions, like where to go to eat. I would look around at the reactions and responses of others who would be affected by my decision.  God seemed to strategically put people in my life who would challenge this and force me to make decisions, and I'm grateful he did! I believed the lie that I couldn't handle the outcome of my choices  and thus would just sit like a paralyzed goat, unable to move or think. 

In healthy relationships, this wouldn't  be a problem because I would be surrounded by people who believed in me more than I believed in myself and thus "called out the gold", so to speak. I began to slowly believe that I was capable of making decisions, and thus my anxiety diminished. I began to create a new history of making good decisions and being able to handle it if I made a poor one. The same has been true for trusting my perceptions. When you are raised in an environment where you are made to feel crazy for how you feel, think and process, when you are told that certain traumatizing events never happened and that you just made it up, you find it nearly impossible to trust your own perceptions and intuition, which is our  God-given gps system.  Again in healthy relationship, this wouldn't be a problem because I was surrounded by people who worked as hard to understand me as I did them. There was mutual respect and a desire to grow and be the best humans we can be. 

What happens when this is challenged? When you are told that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings are invalid, and therefore you don't deserve to be in relationship because you are somehow so terribly flawed? If there is a giant crack in your foundation, as I had in mine, you will feel profound shame, and perhaps even self hatred.  I believed the lie that on a very basic level, I was flawed and therefore unfit for relationship. That I didn't deserve kindness, comfort or nurturing. My big question at that time is "why do I believe this lie"? It had to come from somewhere. And sure enough...it did. Not just one time, but many times through the course of my life. I had been kicked out, for lack of a better term, and deemed unfit. Not worth fighting for. Easily discarded. It's no wonder I believed that I deserved the treatment from this friend at a time when I genuinely needed someone. 

I began to look at my shame and decided I didn't want it there anymore. I was kicking it out- no matter how long it took me. I began the slow and grueling process of dismantling shame. This is not an easy task, and for me required me to look at my past and get healing from some hurts that I was unknowingly carrying around. I believed the lie that if I showed all of myself, even my flawed parts, that I would be rejected. And I was- by humans. But I have never been rejected by God. And through this, I have found pieces of my identity that were hiding underneath my fear.  The fear of losing that caused me conform or become a chameleon. I see some areas where I began to hide my true self out of fear of being rejected or misunderstood. Times where I was teetering on the edge of allowing myself to be controlled for another persons comfort. Don't get me wrong- there is nothing worse than betrayal or rejection. It HURTS. It has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, but I also see some strength emerging that was not there before. I am no longer willing to NOT be fully myself. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in her book "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't!)". You cannot have courage without vulnerability, and I am not willing to pretend to be perfect in order to avoid rejection. I am not willing to be less of myself in order to make others happy or comfortable. 

So, how do we heal? How do we face our insecurities and fears and not hide from the world when that seems like the easiest solution? 

For starters, throughout this whole ordeal of losing one of my closest friends during a time of need, God has been faithfully speaking and ministering to me through dreams and scripture. I would often wake up with a verse floating through my mind. I have learned to plant myself there and craft prayers out of those verses. I would stay there until he dropped another thought or dream into my head. As Graham Cooke says "I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this problem." I became determined to heal. To not walk around with this undercurrent of fear and shame. I have learned the value of process. That God isn't asking us to be stoic or perfect. I think the Psalms  are a perfect indication that we are permitted to process. That it is necessary! To cry out to God in our distress, lack, misery and as we turn ourselves to him, He heals and restores, and shows us more of himself. I will be honest and say that at times it has felt like what he has given me has not been enough. 

One thing that I have been SEVERELY challenged by is that God often gives me a word that is in direct opposition of how I feel. For example, the day after "the incident", I woke up to Psalm 63 floating in my mind, specifically the verse that talks about being satisfied with marrow and fatness. I thought "ha! yeah right...all I feel right now is loss and lack and absence and I'm afraid it might just consume me."  So I have learned, however begrudgingly, to follow His lead and even if all I can do is whisper the promise- I do. I declare it. I WILL be satisfied. I WILL lack no Good thing. It may not be today- but always eventually.

I would HIGHLY encourage you to buy or rent from the library Brene Brown's books...any of them. They are pure gold! 

Transitions and surviving motherhood

My youngest daughter is now 6 weeks old. I had forgotten how exhausting those first few weeks and months are, especially since my first born has, for the most part, decided not to nap- so yay for no recovery sleep like we are afforded with "only" one child.

I feel like my time has been cut into fractions of what it once was. I can no longer get anything done, and when I do, it feels like a huge accomplishment. This is difficult for a task oriented person. Otherwise, every task is interrupted with a cry, a poopy diaper, my first born taking opportunity of my now divided attention (aka making messes) or any number of a hundred things.

There is nothing like parenting to expose our weaknesses. It is most definitely not for the faint at heart! I'm realizing that if I don't prioritize "me" time (aka a shower or brushing my teeth), it just wont happen. And it NEEDS to happen or I might just lose my mind.

Survival tips:
Sleep. Let the house be messy. I get unreasonably uptight about the condition of my house and seem to be bothered by messes more when I'm tired. Or maybe it's just that everything in life feels upside down, so in craving a sense of order, I do something with a visible or tangible end so I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, which works great unless it doesn't get done.

Ask for help. As much of it as is necessary. I've had people come and clean, take over meals, take me to doctors appts, etc because I couldn't do it on my own. Especially recovering from a c section.

Surround yourself with strong supporters. Women can be mean, and there are a lot of mommy wars going on out there. Why?  I have no idea. It's not a competition for goodness sake! But stick close to a few people who are invested in your life and you theirs. It will be necessary on the days when you feel at your wits end and want to scream and cry about the woes of parenthood, the lack of sleep, not having time to eat, or the fact that you just lost your temper.

Pump a few bottles of breastmilk (or formula!) if you can and begin letting your little one practice taking a bottle from someone else. Once your milk supply is in and baby and you have established a good latch and nursing routine, there really isn't much concern for nipple confusion. This will come in handy for date nights and so your SO can take over an evening feed for you to get more sleep. My girls both seemed to eat better when I was nursing or feeding them myself- I think this has something to do with smell. So teaching them early to eat from others has been helpful!

Eat right. This is a hard one. My diet has changed almost completely since having my first daughter. I found that if I didn't make time for eating, it would not happen. And everyone knows that a hungry mom is a cranky mom. Not only that, but not eating enough means a drop in milk supply as well as a stall in weight loss. I fell into the habit of making DD her breakfast (or lunch or dinner or 5th snack...) then working on mine, only to be interrupted with her asking for more. I would give her more and before I knew it, the time I could have spent eating was now gone and my newborn was now hollering to be fed.  So, I began making DD wait if she had finished her food before me. I've also started spending some time on the weekends prepping portions of food so that I could easily grab something healthful.

more to come...

What it's like to grieve an abuser

Life is complicated. Beautiful and hard and complicated.

I somehow naively thought I would escape the pain of grieving my BPD (Borderline Personality Disordered) mom. I feel really silly saying that, but it's true. I thought after all I had been through with her, there was NO way I would feel sad that she was gone. This is what makes grieving the death of an abusive parent so difficult. On the one hand, there is tremendous relief knowing they can no longer harass you, talk badly about you behind your back, turn others against you or make you pay for refusing to enable them. That is the sad reality. I am not losing something good or healthy.

What does grief look like? Well, I think for starters, grief is different for everyone and its important to keep that in mind. What it looks like for one may not be the same for another. I think that is something that our culture really lacks. We lack knowing how to grieve and knowing how to be there for others in a time of loss. There is no real ceremony, aside from a funeral/wake, no change of dress to demonstrate where you are in your grief process, and often times the one grieving is told to hurry up and get on with their process. It can be terribly invalidating and damaging to say that to someone. We need to honor both the individuals style of grief as well as the person they have lost.

I hit a rough grief patch a few months ago. I was really reeling from it. I was SO TIRED of losing things and grieving things that I found myself resisting the process. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was facing some self judgement about what i should and should not feel. On top of that, I had just had a very close friend tell me that I should be over it. That I shouldn't reach out for comfort for friends because that's not what friends are for. A big old pile of poo if you ask me, but nonetheless, it left me confused and hurt.

God is so unbelievably kind and faithful. He never fails me. My husband and I were at a Habitat for Humanity resale store and a bookshelf caught my eye. I thought there would be some home owners books or project books but one book in particular stood out. It was called "Motherless Daughters." I couldn't believe my eyes. How did this end up here, of all places? Needless to say- even though I had been terribly invalidated by a friend, I had NOT been invalidated by God. He knew exactly what I needed.

I wept through the entire first chapter. The woman who wrote the book lost her mother when she was 17, and subsequently went on in her adult years to study how the loss of a mother affects daughters in particular. She was THOROUGH. She studied what affects happened at what age, and how to progress through developmental challenges that inevitably come up when there is no mother to guide that development. She talked about how having a mentally ill parent means that we often grieve them at every stage where they were not emotionally available to meet our needs, from the past all the way into the future. Wow. That answered so many questions I didn't even know I had. All of this uncertainty about being a mother to a second child without a mother of my own started to make complete sense.

Developmentally speaking, children grow and learn to differentiate and individuate by having a caregiver to look back to on a regular basis AS they take steps in development. For example, a toddler learning to walk wants to go explore, but is anxious about the task and needs a caregiver to look back to for reassurance and comfort as they go forth. The same is true but in different ways at every developmental milestone all the way into adulthood- the looking back for a caregiver for reassurance and comfort. It's how we as humans learn to attach, detach and become confident in our own abilities.

So much of my past has been grieved and healed. But there are times where it hits me like a wave as I'm parenting my own daughter. I recognize that for so much of my childhood, my mother was not emotionally present. There are so many things I get to do with my daughter that I have no recollection of doing with my mom. I have almost no memories of closeness or comfort. Hearing her laugh was so infrequent that it would often catch me off guard as a child and cause me to cry. That was the mom I wanted around but so rarely got to see and experience.

What I grieve now is not the mother that I had, because she was buried under the rubble of her own life's mess and mental illness. What I grieve is the mother I always wanted. Not having a mother at all to celebrate birthdays and babies and life changes with. I grieve that the relationship never got better because she never got better.

So, for anyone grieving ANYTHING, know that it's entirely appropriate and acceptable to reach out and talk about your process. Or just ask someone to sit with you while you cry. I have found that few people are really capable of that, and if you have no close friends or family to do that with, find a good counselor who will just be present with you while you process. I PROMISE...you will be so much the better for it.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

Self Care

I want to talk for a little bit about the importance of self care. I hear so many moms (well, people in general, but especially moms) complain that they just don't have time to take care of themselves. I used to be this person. I took care of everyone else but myself and I eventually crashed. When I did, I crashed HARD. Boy did I learn my lesson!

The years of exposure to chronic stress, anxiety, and turmoil took it's toll on my mind, my body and my spirit. Throughout this blog, I have discussed the various forms  of self care I have used to recover the health of my body, mind and spirit. For me, that meant seeking the care of an experienced Naturopathic Physician,  various brain treatments to heal a brain injury (LENS Neurofeedback), homeopathic remedies, MAJOR change in diet, as well as counseling and inner healing. All of these have been ESSENTIALS for me to recover from the years of chronic stress.

I have had seasons of being on antidepressants, and they have worked well. They provided my brain with a buffer of sorts so I could tackle the deeper and harder issues without being constantly triggered or in a state of fight- or- flight. While I am tremendously grateful for conventional medicine and will continue to use that as needed, I  have always preferred the natural route to taking care of myself if at all possible.

Why is it important that we take care of ourselves? Well, for starters, we are loved. This is something that I think many of us (myself included) fail to recognize. Have you ever noticed how when a girl falls in love, she begins taking care of herself differently? It's because she knows she is loved. When we know we have great value, we begin to value ourselves. It is only from THAT place that we can begin to give to others. You know that verse "Love your neighbor as you have loved yourself?" Well, it's implied that you must take care of yourself. I am a MUCH healthier person when I place my needs in priority. Not necessarily above others, but on the same level of others. If I stop taking care of myself in whatever that looks like for that season, it begins to show up in my parenting, in how I think about myself and in all my other relationships.

As I mentioned briefly before, stress and anxiety have had their grips on me in different seasons. It's one of those things that pops up from time to time and I have learned to be diligent in taking care of it immediately so that it doesn't get out of hand. I had SEVERE post partum anxiety (that's a thing? Yes...it's a real thing) when my first daughter was born, and how I wish I had known then what I know now!

So, what does it look like for me personally to take care of this issue in my life?
    1. Sleep. This is so important and so many people including myself struggle from lack of sleep. Sleep is important in regulating hormones, including cortisol- the stress hormone. So...yeah...I am very protective of my sleep.
    2. Diet: I make sure in times of high stress or pressure that I'm eating well- that means minimizing, or eliminating altogether sugar and caffeine. I just do better without it.
   3. Support: For me, that means making sure I am spending time with people I love and feel loved by, also attending counseling as needed has proven to be very helpful to me.
   4. I take my supplements! I have an underlying issue with my blood that when I don't take my B vitamins, I get depleted within a few days of Vitamin B and zinc...building blocks of serotonin and other neurotransmitters....you cam imagine what one might look and feel like if they did not make serotonin...not awesome! So I take my supplements.
  5. Whenever I am pregnant, I get very cautious about what I put in my body- food, medicine or otherwise. I don't want anything to harm the unborn baby growing inside of me. That means that while my anxiety level might be a bit higher in pregnancy due to hormones, medication is not a first resort for me. I know many people who do take antidepressants/antianxiety meds during pregnancy and I am by no means judging that! Just saying for me- they haven't become necessary at this point. So, in addition to taking certain homeopathies, I have begun researching essential oils and their effect on the brain. I had no idea how much research has already been done to prove the effectiveness of certain oils to reduce stress, anxiety and other mood or nervous system issues. Of course, after reading that, I began doing research on various brands and found a company whose blends just looked so amazing and began trying some out as the need arose.

I am so impressed. I purchased my Premium Starter Kit through Young Living (http://www.youngliving.com/en_US/opportunity/products/starter-kits/premium-starter-kit and received 11 different essential oils, some samples and a diffuser for $160. This seemed a little pricey to me at the time (I am a very cheap person!) But I've only been using them for a week and I already feel like it has been completely worth it.

For example, their blend "Stress Away" is a delicious and happy scent. It's warm, refreshing and so so relaxing..I was feeling a bit of anxiety and stress over nothing the other day and placed a drop or two on my wrist, rubbed it together and inhaled the scent a few times. I'm not kidding...within 10 minutes, I felt like my calm normal self again. Some other oils you can use for stress and anxiety are Lavender, frankincense, and Peace and Calming. There are several others, but these are the ones that I have used so far and felt have really made a difference.

For gloomy and dark days, I put some "Joy" in the diffuser along with some "citrus fresh" and it immediately lifts my mood. Again, very impressed.

We have also been diffusing "Thieves" essential oil as well as applying it to our feet during the winter to kill off bugs and viruses. It seems like since putting out daughter in daycare/school, we have had colds circling around non stop!  Thieves is a blend specifically formulated to support the immune system, so when we are in need of some extra immune support, I rub some on my and my girls feet, diffuse, and apply to my lymph nodes. You can also take it internally which is awesome! And it smells like Christmas. So so yummy.

As I said, I am just getting started but I am in love with these oils.

If you are interested in purchasing these oils, the premium starter kit from Young Living is the way to go. You get 11 essential oils (Including their Everyday oils collection), a home diffuser (worth over $150), as well as some samples and a roller fit-bit for easy application. Worth well over $300.

You can purchase the premium starter kit OR individual oils and other kits via this website:
https://beta.youngliving.com/vo/#/signup/start?sponsorid=2609270&enrollerid=2609270&type=member&isocountrycode=US&isolanguagecode=EN

To get the best discount, you can enroll as a wholesale member. This saves you 24% on all of your orders and would allow you to sell should you choose to, but it is not a requirement. You also have the option of purchasing single oils, kits or any other products at the retail price without becoming a member- but you won't receive the 24% discount.

You can also find out more information about their seed-to-seal quality control process at www.yountliving.com

Enjoying the journey to better living!

Pregnancy after Miscarriage

Well, I am currently 15 weeks with our 4th pregnancy, 5th child. This pregnancy has been very different than the rest for several reasons. First, it will be our second living child. I never thought I would be in the category of women who have experienced pregnancy loss. Never. But, I am. I really wasn't sure how I would cope with this 4th pregnancy.

I had one pregnancy (twins) that appeared to be going completely normally until the 9 week ultrasound that showed that both hearts had stopped beating. While I had an unexplainable uneasy feeling up until that point, I thought it was just because I wasn't sure if/when I would include my family of origin (FOO) in the pregnancy and there was much stress about that decision. I didn't anticipate seeing two babies that had died weeks earlier. 

Fast forward THOUGH the waiting to go into labor naturally and the actual miscarriage process to me getting pregnant rather quickly with the following pregnancy, and then 7 weeks in discovering that I had a HUGE subchorionic hemorrhage that would lead me to miscarry a perfectly healthy baby at 12 weeks. Lets just say I needed some time emotionally, physically and spiritually to recover from those losses. In my mind, it was no longer just an accident. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my ability to make and carry children.  I also began the journey of grieving that little one. Many women don't openly share what it's like to lose a baby, even when it's early in the game, which is one of the main reasons I've felt it important to do so on this blog. I don't want people to feel alone or isolated in their suffering. While some seem to bounce right back, others (myself included), feel immense grief. Some women experience post part depression, others don't. 

I remember feeling horribly sad at my breasts beginning to shrink. At the tenderness and pain going away.  The hormonal drop was also another painful reminder at what was now MISSING from my body and my life. After the bleeding had stopped and I had been cleared to have sex safely, I couldn't do it. I got undressed and at the sight of my no-longer-pregnant body, collapsed into a ball of tears. I was no longer sustaining life, but recovering from losing. The weeks that followed were equally as painful as we began testing to see if there was an underlying problem. For some reason, my OB was reluctant to do any sort of testing. I have no idea why. I distinctly remember just 2 days after losing the baby from the hemorrhage, sitting in his office and him telling me with a smile on his face "you can try as soon as you're ready!" I was still so raw from the whole experience. Seeing an empty womb on ultrasound AGAIN was indescribable. Since he was so reluctant, I went to my naturopath and with her help, we began testing to see if there was an underlying issue. After months of testing and waiting, aside from the MTHFR mutation which may or may not play a significant role in reproduction and the ability to carry a child, all testing came back normal. To which I say PRAISE GOD!!! At one point they thought I had a serious clotting disorder, which later proved to be a fluke. Again, I am so grateful. That would have meant daily blood thinning injections and very close during pregnancy and post part. Not fun...not to mention expensive.

After all the testing was done, approximately 6 months after losing Baby 3, we were given the green light to try again. I thought I had already ovulated and it would be too late to get pregnant that month. I wasn't really ANXIOUS about trying, we just figured now was time to "have fun" and see what happens. 

Well, surprise surprise (I say that sarcastically because I seem to have no trouble getting pregnant), I got pregnant that month. The tell was falling asleep Christmas Day while watching a movie in a room full of people AFTER having a cup of coffee! That seriously would have been impossible for my non pregnant self.

I don't really know how many tests I took but I was in disbelief. I held the idea very loosely mostly because I didn't want to experience the disappointment of another miscarriage. So I began the journey of early pregnancy. Essentially holding my breath until the 12 week "safety zone". I found an excellent Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor that did not require a recommendation from my OB (Thank God because I think he really would have denied me that request). She was amazing. She was so incredibly kind, and yet frank with me. I needed a straight shooter- not someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear. She basically made up a diagnosis so I could get several early ultrasounds done with insurance coverage. She gave me the choice with how often I wanted to see baby, as well as the back line to the clinic so that if I got anxious and just want reassurance, I could speak directly with her. Compassion goes a long way.

I really didn't feel completely at ease until around 12 weeks. Around 14 weeks, I began to feel the baby wiggle and move. I know everyone says thats WAY too early and it's just gas, but once you've felt it, you recognize when it's happening. They have since only gotten stronger and more frequent.

I can say that I had more peace with this pregnancy than the previous two. I knew that no matter what happened, if I lost again, if I lost my mind from pain and disappointment- that God would be there. He would prove himself once again to be bigger than my losses. This somehow allowed me to walk with greater confidence and comfort as I waited to make that 12 week milestone.

Now that I've hit that 12 week mark (and then some!) I'm starting to actually get excited and feel more confident in making plans for the future. It feels good.

Thankfulness

Well, It's been a while since Ive posted. Theres been a lot going on and I'm still kind of in a whirlwind.

I wrote in my last blog post that I was not going to see my mother before she died. Given that she was still adamant on not meeting me in a way that felt safe to me, I thought "what's the point?" I really did not want to go if it was going to turn our like every other interaction had been.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but she woke up one day out of her stupor and asked where I was. My grandma said "what do you mean?" My mom explained that she had thought she was talking to me and had I stopped by? My grandma said "no... M.E., why won't you just agree to meet with her on her terms?" And my mom said "well, fine." It must have occurred to her suddenly that this was the way she was going to leave the world- loose ends.

So, we got a call one evening that she had a agreed to see me with just my husband present. At first I was really upset. Why did she wait until the last minute? So I took my time processing that, but eventually realized I needed to go. I was anxious, of course...this was my abuser after all. Not exactly looking forward to the visit. But there were a lot of people praying and when the time came to go, I felt covered.

When I walked in, I started crying immediately. Not big sobs, just weeping. She started crying as well. She was kind. She asked us about our lives and what we had been up to. She made mention that she didn't know why we had drifted apart or what she had done, but that she was sorry. I didn't take the opportunity to discuss further, just acknowledged that I had already forgiven her and it wasn't something that needed discussion. She told me she was sorry that she wasn't there for me for the loss of my babies- that she should have been there for me. That was really hard for me to hear because I SO needed a mom during all of that.

It was very hard to see her in that state. A shriveled up version of herself. Skin and bones. She still had her nails painted nicely- appearance was always something that was very important to her.

It was a very surreal interaction. On one hand, I was very aware that this is the person who abused and bullied me for years- even recently. I was aware that I was interacting with a Borderline, and I could easily spot the borderline behaviors- yet, I was not triggered. She was on her best behavior and for that I am very grateful. Who knows how long it would have taken me to recover from that. We left after an hour because we had to pick up our daughter and get her to bed. I left feeling grateful for the interaction, knowing that I had been completely covered. That God had somehow taken over and she was not . It felt like a "supervised" visit, if you will. She was on er best behavior.

We visited two more times after that, and brought  our daughter to see her was when she was 18 months old. DD was excited to meet her and my mom just soaked it up. My mom did bring up some " off limit topics" but I manouvered around them. After that I felt like that was more than enough goodbyes for me and we didn't go back. It wasn't long after that that she passed away.

The funeral was...interesting. It was strange having people speak of her as such a wonderful person, when I had experienced much of the opposite. My mom wasnt all bad, of course she did good and nice things too. Of course, I didn't expect people to speak badly of her at her own funeral. It was odd to hear my sister give a eulogy basically saying that she likes how much she is like our mother. One of my brothers, as well as my brother in law avoided my husband and I like the plague- which I anticipated. It was ...interesting.

I have struggled throughout these last few months to keep perspective. Knowing and anticipating dealing with my FOO (Family of Origin) was less than appealing, and on a bad day, fairly anxiety inducing. I felt so tired in myself. No strength to muster. I was sorely lacking patience with my persistent family who fails to give me the space I so desire to grieve in the way that is appropriate for me. I can't count how many times I've wanted to say "I just want to be done dealing with them. They are obnoxious, mean, and unpleasant." This attitude really didn't help me persevere.  It didn't help that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and just in general, had no extra energy for stuff like this.

So, what have I learned hindsight? There are certain things that are unavoidable. I was not afforded the luxury of leaning on my own strength because I had none left! Thankfulness in who God is changes the atmosphere from one of overwhelm to joyfully waiting for His provision. This is hard...I'm not gonna lie. It is very difficult to be thankful when you are dealing with things you very much dislike.

I also got to put into practice some of the skills I've been learning over the last two years- distress tolerance, accepting that other people will view me how they want to and it CAN have absolutely no affect on how I view or feel about myself. I can assert myself and be confident in my decisions even when others do not like those decisions. Not the most fun...let me tell you. But necessary.