Wretched and poor

Romans 7:24-25 "O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death? O thank God! [ He will!] through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like the wretched fools that we really are? When you wake up and wonder where in God's sweet name you have ended up...were you this broken all along or did you miss a sign that everyone else seemed to see and follow? I have wondered this many, MANY times in the course of the last three years, and I have come to the conclusion of this one thing that the Apostle Paul sums up perfectly in Romans 7:24 as he talks about the war waging between his flesh and spirit: "O wretched man that I am! Who can save me from this body of sin?" and then proceeds to thank God- because HE WILL!

For so so long I have striven to be perfect enough, holy enough, sane enough, faithful enough...or just plain ENOUGH. I have found myself  recently waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, fighting tears and just wondering "am I okay?" Like a child who has tripped and fallen, scraped their knees and shins, stands up assessing their situation and wonders if they should cry-if they are okay- or just to continue playing.

I focus on my failures- my rage, my anger, my bitterness, my SHAME and I wonder- Am I okay? I look down and see that my clothes are torn, my knees and shins are bruised and bleeding-don't even ask about the condition of my heart! God- am I okay? Am I going to make it? Do you accept me even though there are remnants of bitterness? Even though I am judgmental and critical of others?

In order to make any sort of progress, we HAVE to accept who we are and where we are. There is some intense freedom when we realize how broken and messed up we truly are-we are prone to sin and failure on a daily if not hourly basis. Yet-Jesus says we are clothed in righteousness, accepted, wanted, loved WITHOUT condition. So how do we reconcile the polarity of our situation? recognizing that we are wretched and poor in our sinful nature, yet clothed in righteousness, redeemed, CLEAN and WHOLE? I think it is actually simpler than we make it- we just accept it. We recognize who we are and what we are prone to without Jesus, and at the same moment, we accept who we are BECAUSE of Him.

He is glorified in our weaknesses as we lean on Him. He makes us more like Him as we lean on Him. The devil wants us to waste ample time focusing on the wretched fools that we are when Jesus wants us to focus on who He is and who we are IN Him.

I write as if this is second nature to me- but the opposite is true. I easily reject myself and all that God says about me in light of my failures and this is something that I am definitely working to root deep in my heart. When I mess up as a wife or mom, my husband comes over and gives me a hug and what is my response? To walk away-to shun myself as punishment. Think about it- if the enemy can get us to think about how awful we are, if he can get us to reject the gift that has been freely given, then our foundation is going to be on sinking sand- because we can count on nothing other than the redeeming, perfect, unconditional love of God!

Ownership

It's always something, I tell ya! I am just now coming to terms with my mother's illness. It appears that there is a name for her disease- it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Just like Autism and other mental illnesses, it appears on a spectrum from low functioning to high functioning and is characterized by a tendency to rage, have very little ability to regulate their emotions, be involved in risky behavior and a myriad of other things. I am no diagnostician, but when I typed up my mom's symptoms and behaviors, this seemed to fit almost perfectly.

In learning about this illness, I came to understand how her brain, from a very young age, was trained to respond out of fear and hopelessness, rejection and shame- this is called functioning in the primitive or lower brain- functioning solely out of the lymbic (sp?) system (emotion center of the brain). The emotion center of the brain is formed very early in life and shaped by how well an infant attaches and is secure in their environment and with their caregiver. Research shows that at least 3/4 of people diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) had some form of early childhood trauma. Obviously, the more severe, usually the worse the illness is. Without intervention, they grow up never evolving or learning new skills or learning new ways of coping. When a situation arises where someone of "normal" brain function would be able to think rationally, reason through it, and respond appropriately, their brain actually bypasses reason and goes straight to reaction. I've heard it said they live life our of a series of  knee jerk reactions. Their manipulation is usually not intentional- but comes out of a desperate need to control, to get back to safety. 

It is incredibly saddening to me. However much of a relief it is that I know there is a name, and a treatment, I cannot imagine the torment it must be to live life on a roller coaster. I've had the unfortunate experience of being along for the ride and that was more than enough for me- it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But the struggle remains- they have to choose treatment. I had wondered what it would take for my mom to realize it wasn't the rest of us with a problem, as one by one, people started pulling away from her because of the difficulty of being in relationship with an unstable person- thinking this has got to be the bottom! But it never is. I can't even put the sadness into words.

It is all starting to make sense now- the intense chaos I felt as a child, the craving to just be invisible, yet wanting desperately to be seen. The hesitation I often felt in being near her. Feeling at the age of 8 that I was on my own. That there was no one to listen to me, to play with me or care about my needs. Please understand, while I have my share of very painful memories, she was also kind and loving- which made it all the more a confusing mess. 

The journey is difficult- not just the part about seeing the reality for what it is, but taking ownership of the bad behaviors you learned that come much more naturally than the good behaviors you are supposed to have. For example- if you saw on a regular basis either you or your siblings being yelled at, grabbed by the arm in a forceful manner, being punished inappropriately (meaning punishment that was not given as a learning objective, but out of anger), etc- this is what comes naturally. That doesn't mean you can't learn from it and become better, learn self control and have patience- it just means it isn't the first thing that pops into your head when your child is acting out. 

Every time I see my sweet child's face, and I feel that anger rise up in me because of her disobedience, I am learning a few key things to take ownership of my own responsibility as her parent:

First- I pray- I cry out to God IN THAT MOMENT to help me-I ask out loud- one because it helps me to get out of my funk of thinking, and second because I know what it was like to be yelled at, berated, made to feel ashamed and stupid for minor infractions. I absolutely do not want my children growing up afraid of me, and thank God I get a choice. 

Second, I take a step back and remind myself "how can I make this teachable? Yes- I know I'm upset because she is throwing food on the floor for the 100th time today and I'm going to have to sweep again and my house will never be clean...but what is my priority here? My own selfishness or her security?"- and yes, I will do this until it becomes NATURAL for me to respond with patience and grace...I don't care how long it takes. Plain and simple, children physically cannot learn when they are afraid- so do this in a way that teaches them grace. If I need to and feel like at any point I could possibly snap and say something mean,  then I don't discipline at all. It's simply not worth the damage. 

Third- I hold myself accountable. First to God, then my husband and a few other trusted friends who I know will lovingly correct me and accept me when I mess up- but also refuse to let me get away with it. I realize this may sound extreme to some people, but I know the way I was raised and what was ingrained in my psyche before I had a choice in the matter- I don't take this lightly. 

Parenting is hard...it is not meant for the cowardly and selfish. There- I said it. We all have that tendency to want easy, want it our way, etc, but children do not exist for our selfish motives, and they don't exist for our happiness. God will use our children to help us to grow and develop the fruits of the spirit (love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control...hello! I'm feeling some conviction!), and we should humbly accept his "gift" to us. Parenting is a flesh killer, at the very minimum. It will test every fiber of your being (well, maybe not yours, but it certainly has mine!).

I realize I went on a tangent or a bunny trail- maybe I'll end up separating this blog into two separate posts later. But for now, this will have to do : ) 

God bless you today! Remember- God is our help!

Andrea

Construction

Over the last 3 years, the hospital I work at has undergone some serious construction. There is now a 9 story Children's Hospital in what used to be a parking lot. New roads have been paved and new parking structures now exist where there once was nothing. I found myself trying to remember what the old area used to look like before the process had begun, and I honestly couldn't picture it in my head. I would have to look back at pictures to remember what it used to look like.

 Isaiah 54:11 O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires.

¹² And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.

¹³ And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.

¹⁴ You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God’s will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you."

I had been reading that verse the other day, and was reminded of it this morning as I thought of all the demolition, all the tearing down of the old and the rebuilding of the new- forgetting the terrible process of construction as I stared at the gorgeous, shimmering building.

This is what God does with us. This is the hope that we have in Him! If we let Him, he will make us into something beautiful, strong, and stable. He may choose to tear down walls we have erected to protect ourselves, He may tear us down to the very foundation, but if that foundation was built on anything other than Jesus, we can be certain we were not so stable in the first place. We can be assured that the master builder is building something good, even if the demolition process is heavy, hard and at times, completely devastating.

This is the hope we have in Him, and if we trust Him, He will complete the good work He started because He is faithful and He loves us. So let Him! Don't be discouraged when the process gets worse before it gets better- don't even be discouraged if you're completely flattened by the circumstances you face. This is a prime opportunity for God to be glorified and build you up from ashes once again. Keep allowing Him access to your heart and circumstances- invite Him into the mess

Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."