I feel like a walking heartache. Doing hard things not only requires hard work, but is often accompanied by wonderings and wanderings and a whole lot of misunderstanding. This, at least, has been the case for me.
I didn't ask for this- no. It was laid on my doorstep and would not move out of the way when I tried to leave. I am talking, of course, about my mother. I don't like to use the word drama, because that implies that BOTH parties were slinging mud. I was simply, and have only been, holding ground and not letting that thing on the door step any longer into my house- so to speak : )
I cannot imagine what life would be like if my dad had never gotten sick. It simply does not exist in my mind. Prior to his illness, God had only given me glimpses of my hurt toward my mother, but nothing had brought me to the edge of losing it as his illness did. I have always felt like the parent in the relationship, as I've said before. That I had to hide my truest self from her lest she spot a weakness and decide to infuse fear and insecurity in it's place. I had to be strong enough not to depend on her, because she needed me to support her for her own problems. I am sure, his illness and the pressure on her left her more unstable than her normal self. I can only imagine and there is GRACE for that. But what happened afterwards, I will probably never understand. I only know that her and I see things very differently.
If I could grieve for a moment or two, it would be for the mother I never had. The one who always, unknowingly, stepped over lines and hurt me out of her own hurt. I grieve for the mother I didn't have when celebrating my first pregnancy-she was too busy building a case against me. I grieve for the relationship that was broken a long time ago, and one that I may never have in her. I grieve for the fact that I cannot simply enjoy myself in her presence- because I am always guarded- even without knowing it. But, to be completely honest, I don't know it any other way. It has been YEARS since things were peaceful, but I have learned, that peace at any cost is not always healthy. Funny, I remember her telling me that!
I am learning that it's okay to be myself, have a voice, an opinion, a failure or two, boundaries and I don't have to change that. It's okay for me to not want to be close right now. All this time, I thought my aim would be to come to a place where the boundaries could be down, non existent, all laughter and no tears. Now, I realize that, more than likely, the future will look much different. That she will never have the role in my life that I long for or picture in my head. I hurt for her too- because she really does not seem to understand why or how any of this happened. I know how she views this and I am sad that she has lost valuable relationship with myself and my daughter because of poor choices.
The biggest thing I'm learning right now...get ready for this: I am to be defined by no one but God. This is true for EVERYONE! We can't base our sense of security or worth on what others think of us. I'm not talking about submitting yourself to Godly counsel and wisdom- that is a must! But still, those things shouldn't define who and WHOSE we are. I have, ALL THIS TIME, felt an enormous, unbearable amount of guilt and shame. Reading those words now, I try to come up with a legitimate reason why- but there is none. I have walked around feeling like a failure, feeling like I don't belong, and that surely if she thinks those things than others must too, and then they must be true! That if people REALLY knew me...oh boy, they would laugh, and point and make a mockery of me. They would be the first to see my failures and the last to acknowledge my success. Keep in mind- I have been ignoring the voices I should be listening to! God, for starters, my husband (although he is biased), and my amazing friends who I know without a doubt, would step in and call me on it if they needed to. He has been more than faithful to provide others in her place.
I do want to have some sort of relationship with her. No contact has been really hard. I'm just not sure where to start, where to open the door or what it will look like. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
