The Good

It seems that as I go along, I find remnants of good things intermingled with the bad memories and I'm never quite sure what to do with them. Today, I found a picture of my mom hugging me when I was about 3 years old. She seemed to enjoy mothering at that time in her life, but it seemed that as I got older, those good memories became blurred as life became hard for my mother and she was taken away from us (emotionally) due to the demands of her life as well as her coping skills.

I am one of 4 children. I have one older sister, and two younger brothers. I behave much like a middle child, but also have some oldest and youngest traits because of where I fell in the line up.  I was quiet, and would not ask for what I needed, especially from adults- I would always bribe my sister to do it for me. My parents both remarked that I was rarely the squeaky wheel and often my needs went unvoiced and therefore unmet. They also at one point acknowledged that I was probably the one that needed one on one attention the most because I was keenly sensitive to my environment, and to the needs of others. I know it was not their intention to neglect me emotionally. They both had crappy coping skills and a LOT of undealt with baggage and unfortunately that came out onto us and we bore the weight of much of that dysfunction.

One of the temptations in walking through this process, at least for me, is to ignore the fact that the person who wounded you ever did anything good or nice or loving or kind. I would guess that in most "normal" families where a parent is not mentally ill, they would be able to essentially chalk bad behavior  up to a bad day or week at the most, and move on with their lives.  Ideally, there would be some reconciliation or apology for how the parents behavior affected the child and they both would be able to move on. But for children of a Borderline Parent, or an alcoholic parent, or any other mental/emotional handicap for that matter, this is not the case.  In my experience, most of my mother's behavior has been excused as "I had a lot of stress in my life", or "you know, your dad made it really hard for me to be a good wife/mom ", or worse "you make my life a living hell".  A child would internalize that because what was heard was: "you are not worth my kindness or self control. I can't control myself when I'm angry and you just happened to be the closest thing I could take it out on- sorry. I do not have the strength to give love to you because my life is so hard. You make my life hard because you need me too much. Your needs are too much" Continue this pattern over any number of years and these become ingrained beliefs that shape how we think about ourselves and our behavior follows suit.

Now, I can only speak for myself in this, but I would venture to guess that I am not the only one who has experienced a depth of confusion due to this bazaar polarity in behavior. I have tender memories with my mom. I remember her making me a night gown with matching slippers for when I had my tonsils out. I remember once a friend in my elementary school class told me she was being hit by her mother, and my mom did some calling around to find out if this was true. I was really scared of getting in trouble and my mom winked at me- I remember FEELING protected. I remember her writing really sweet valentines day cards, and making really nice cookies with me. I remember her lying next to me and stroking my hair during a particularly awful time in my life.  I know there are more, but I'm not sure what to do with them because it seems that they lost their meaning once the bad stuff happened. The sweet memories got washed away in a river of painful experiences.

So, I cannot deny that my mother did good things for me, and I have chosen to be grateful for those things instead of pretending like they never happened. Those things will serve me well and will be tools that I can use in how I relate to my children. Unfortunately, she is not that sweet, kind and loving person anymore, and I cannot base my relationship with her now on who she was 20 years ago. I must grieve who she was and move on to the now.

Anyway, I started reading "Parenting from the Inside Out". It is a book written for parents who did not get their needs met as children, and now to gain understanding and insight into yourself so that you can be reparented and appropriately parent your own children. I'm loving it so far, but it is difficult to read and think about. One thing that I have learned about myself is that no matter how much I want to be the perfect parent, I won't be. I have a steep learning curve in front of me and I pray there is enormous grace for me in it. I am doing everything I can to take responsibility for my own life, emotions, needs so that those things are not unfairly placed on my children.

Note to readers: I do not speak highly enough of my Father God. He has been abundantly generous to me. The road has been hard, painful and at times more than I could bear. It felt unfair that I was the one paying for all the damage that was done and not spoken about for generations, but I had to change my perspective. I have had numerous pity parties, all of which He joined me for but promptly encouraged me to leave. This is not about what they did or didn't do (although it is necessary to work through those things), it is about what I want out of life and what I will and will not allow to continue in me or through me. It is about seeing God as my helper, ally, redeemer and healer. Everything I need, He already has promised to be for me.  He delivers completely and is willing to go 100 times farther than I am. Every thing my heart has cried out for has actually been the cry of His since the day I was born, but it was a process to attaining those things.

Sure, I could sit and blame them. I could point fingers. I could name names and believe me, this was necessary for a season for me to tattle on the ones who hurt me. It was essential for me to learn that God cared about my hurt, about the lies, about those who stick up for evil. I needed to know that God is a million times better than any earthly Father could be, and he is a fierce protector of His kids. But there comes a point where you have to turn from the hurt to the healer, or we will never be free. Everything evil that has ever been done to me- I say evil because we know who the author of everything bad is, and he is evil- does not compare to everything good the Father has stored up for me.

I say all of this to say- continue the process that God started in you- He is the author and perfecter of your faith, he is the one who completes what he started in you. Philippians 3:12-13 "Not that I have already attained or am already perfect, but I press on that I may lay hold of that for which Christ laid hold of me. I do not count myself to have apprehended, but one thing I do: Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching towards those things which are ahead..."