Self Care

I want to talk for a little bit about the importance of self care. I hear so many moms (well, people in general, but especially moms) complain that they just don't have time to take care of themselves. I used to be this person. I took care of everyone else but myself and I eventually crashed. When I did, I crashed HARD. Boy did I learn my lesson!

The years of exposure to chronic stress, anxiety, and turmoil took it's toll on my mind, my body and my spirit. Throughout this blog, I have discussed the various forms  of self care I have used to recover the health of my body, mind and spirit. For me, that meant seeking the care of an experienced Naturopathic Physician,  various brain treatments to heal a brain injury (LENS Neurofeedback), homeopathic remedies, MAJOR change in diet, as well as counseling and inner healing. All of these have been ESSENTIALS for me to recover from the years of chronic stress.

I have had seasons of being on antidepressants, and they have worked well. They provided my brain with a buffer of sorts so I could tackle the deeper and harder issues without being constantly triggered or in a state of fight- or- flight. While I am tremendously grateful for conventional medicine and will continue to use that as needed, I  have always preferred the natural route to taking care of myself if at all possible.

Why is it important that we take care of ourselves? Well, for starters, we are loved. This is something that I think many of us (myself included) fail to recognize. Have you ever noticed how when a girl falls in love, she begins taking care of herself differently? It's because she knows she is loved. When we know we have great value, we begin to value ourselves. It is only from THAT place that we can begin to give to others. You know that verse "Love your neighbor as you have loved yourself?" Well, it's implied that you must take care of yourself. I am a MUCH healthier person when I place my needs in priority. Not necessarily above others, but on the same level of others. If I stop taking care of myself in whatever that looks like for that season, it begins to show up in my parenting, in how I think about myself and in all my other relationships.

As I mentioned briefly before, stress and anxiety have had their grips on me in different seasons. It's one of those things that pops up from time to time and I have learned to be diligent in taking care of it immediately so that it doesn't get out of hand. I had SEVERE post partum anxiety (that's a thing? Yes...it's a real thing) when my first daughter was born, and how I wish I had known then what I know now!

So, what does it look like for me personally to take care of this issue in my life?
    1. Sleep. This is so important and so many people including myself struggle from lack of sleep. Sleep is important in regulating hormones, including cortisol- the stress hormone. So...yeah...I am very protective of my sleep.
    2. Diet: I make sure in times of high stress or pressure that I'm eating well- that means minimizing, or eliminating altogether sugar and caffeine. I just do better without it.
   3. Support: For me, that means making sure I am spending time with people I love and feel loved by, also attending counseling as needed has proven to be very helpful to me.
   4. I take my supplements! I have an underlying issue with my blood that when I don't take my B vitamins, I get depleted within a few days of Vitamin B and zinc...building blocks of serotonin and other neurotransmitters....you cam imagine what one might look and feel like if they did not make serotonin...not awesome! So I take my supplements.
  5. Whenever I am pregnant, I get very cautious about what I put in my body- food, medicine or otherwise. I don't want anything to harm the unborn baby growing inside of me. That means that while my anxiety level might be a bit higher in pregnancy due to hormones, medication is not a first resort for me. I know many people who do take antidepressants/antianxiety meds during pregnancy and I am by no means judging that! Just saying for me- they haven't become necessary at this point. So, in addition to taking certain homeopathies, I have begun researching essential oils and their effect on the brain. I had no idea how much research has already been done to prove the effectiveness of certain oils to reduce stress, anxiety and other mood or nervous system issues. Of course, after reading that, I began doing research on various brands and found a company whose blends just looked so amazing and began trying some out as the need arose.

I am so impressed. I purchased my Premium Starter Kit through Young Living (http://www.youngliving.com/en_US/opportunity/products/starter-kits/premium-starter-kit and received 11 different essential oils, some samples and a diffuser for $160. This seemed a little pricey to me at the time (I am a very cheap person!) But I've only been using them for a week and I already feel like it has been completely worth it.

For example, their blend "Stress Away" is a delicious and happy scent. It's warm, refreshing and so so relaxing..I was feeling a bit of anxiety and stress over nothing the other day and placed a drop or two on my wrist, rubbed it together and inhaled the scent a few times. I'm not kidding...within 10 minutes, I felt like my calm normal self again. Some other oils you can use for stress and anxiety are Lavender, frankincense, and Peace and Calming. There are several others, but these are the ones that I have used so far and felt have really made a difference.

For gloomy and dark days, I put some "Joy" in the diffuser along with some "citrus fresh" and it immediately lifts my mood. Again, very impressed.

We have also been diffusing "Thieves" essential oil as well as applying it to our feet during the winter to kill off bugs and viruses. It seems like since putting out daughter in daycare/school, we have had colds circling around non stop!  Thieves is a blend specifically formulated to support the immune system, so when we are in need of some extra immune support, I rub some on my and my girls feet, diffuse, and apply to my lymph nodes. You can also take it internally which is awesome! And it smells like Christmas. So so yummy.

As I said, I am just getting started but I am in love with these oils.

If you are interested in purchasing these oils, the premium starter kit from Young Living is the way to go. You get 11 essential oils (Including their Everyday oils collection), a home diffuser (worth over $150), as well as some samples and a roller fit-bit for easy application. Worth well over $300.

You can purchase the premium starter kit OR individual oils and other kits via this website:
https://beta.youngliving.com/vo/#/signup/start?sponsorid=2609270&enrollerid=2609270&type=member&isocountrycode=US&isolanguagecode=EN

To get the best discount, you can enroll as a wholesale member. This saves you 24% on all of your orders and would allow you to sell should you choose to, but it is not a requirement. You also have the option of purchasing single oils, kits or any other products at the retail price without becoming a member- but you won't receive the 24% discount.

You can also find out more information about their seed-to-seal quality control process at www.yountliving.com

Enjoying the journey to better living!

Pregnancy after Miscarriage

Well, I am currently 15 weeks with our 4th pregnancy, 5th child. This pregnancy has been very different than the rest for several reasons. First, it will be our second living child. I never thought I would be in the category of women who have experienced pregnancy loss. Never. But, I am. I really wasn't sure how I would cope with this 4th pregnancy.

I had one pregnancy (twins) that appeared to be going completely normally until the 9 week ultrasound that showed that both hearts had stopped beating. While I had an unexplainable uneasy feeling up until that point, I thought it was just because I wasn't sure if/when I would include my family of origin (FOO) in the pregnancy and there was much stress about that decision. I didn't anticipate seeing two babies that had died weeks earlier. 

Fast forward THOUGH the waiting to go into labor naturally and the actual miscarriage process to me getting pregnant rather quickly with the following pregnancy, and then 7 weeks in discovering that I had a HUGE subchorionic hemorrhage that would lead me to miscarry a perfectly healthy baby at 12 weeks. Lets just say I needed some time emotionally, physically and spiritually to recover from those losses. In my mind, it was no longer just an accident. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my ability to make and carry children.  I also began the journey of grieving that little one. Many women don't openly share what it's like to lose a baby, even when it's early in the game, which is one of the main reasons I've felt it important to do so on this blog. I don't want people to feel alone or isolated in their suffering. While some seem to bounce right back, others (myself included), feel immense grief. Some women experience post part depression, others don't. 

I remember feeling horribly sad at my breasts beginning to shrink. At the tenderness and pain going away.  The hormonal drop was also another painful reminder at what was now MISSING from my body and my life. After the bleeding had stopped and I had been cleared to have sex safely, I couldn't do it. I got undressed and at the sight of my no-longer-pregnant body, collapsed into a ball of tears. I was no longer sustaining life, but recovering from losing. The weeks that followed were equally as painful as we began testing to see if there was an underlying problem. For some reason, my OB was reluctant to do any sort of testing. I have no idea why. I distinctly remember just 2 days after losing the baby from the hemorrhage, sitting in his office and him telling me with a smile on his face "you can try as soon as you're ready!" I was still so raw from the whole experience. Seeing an empty womb on ultrasound AGAIN was indescribable. Since he was so reluctant, I went to my naturopath and with her help, we began testing to see if there was an underlying issue. After months of testing and waiting, aside from the MTHFR mutation which may or may not play a significant role in reproduction and the ability to carry a child, all testing came back normal. To which I say PRAISE GOD!!! At one point they thought I had a serious clotting disorder, which later proved to be a fluke. Again, I am so grateful. That would have meant daily blood thinning injections and very close during pregnancy and post part. Not fun...not to mention expensive.

After all the testing was done, approximately 6 months after losing Baby 3, we were given the green light to try again. I thought I had already ovulated and it would be too late to get pregnant that month. I wasn't really ANXIOUS about trying, we just figured now was time to "have fun" and see what happens. 

Well, surprise surprise (I say that sarcastically because I seem to have no trouble getting pregnant), I got pregnant that month. The tell was falling asleep Christmas Day while watching a movie in a room full of people AFTER having a cup of coffee! That seriously would have been impossible for my non pregnant self.

I don't really know how many tests I took but I was in disbelief. I held the idea very loosely mostly because I didn't want to experience the disappointment of another miscarriage. So I began the journey of early pregnancy. Essentially holding my breath until the 12 week "safety zone". I found an excellent Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor that did not require a recommendation from my OB (Thank God because I think he really would have denied me that request). She was amazing. She was so incredibly kind, and yet frank with me. I needed a straight shooter- not someone who would tell me what I wanted to hear. She basically made up a diagnosis so I could get several early ultrasounds done with insurance coverage. She gave me the choice with how often I wanted to see baby, as well as the back line to the clinic so that if I got anxious and just want reassurance, I could speak directly with her. Compassion goes a long way.

I really didn't feel completely at ease until around 12 weeks. Around 14 weeks, I began to feel the baby wiggle and move. I know everyone says thats WAY too early and it's just gas, but once you've felt it, you recognize when it's happening. They have since only gotten stronger and more frequent.

I can say that I had more peace with this pregnancy than the previous two. I knew that no matter what happened, if I lost again, if I lost my mind from pain and disappointment- that God would be there. He would prove himself once again to be bigger than my losses. This somehow allowed me to walk with greater confidence and comfort as I waited to make that 12 week milestone.

Now that I've hit that 12 week mark (and then some!) I'm starting to actually get excited and feel more confident in making plans for the future. It feels good.

Thankfulness

Well, It's been a while since Ive posted. Theres been a lot going on and I'm still kind of in a whirlwind.

I wrote in my last blog post that I was not going to see my mother before she died. Given that she was still adamant on not meeting me in a way that felt safe to me, I thought "what's the point?" I really did not want to go if it was going to turn our like every other interaction had been.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but she woke up one day out of her stupor and asked where I was. My grandma said "what do you mean?" My mom explained that she had thought she was talking to me and had I stopped by? My grandma said "no... M.E., why won't you just agree to meet with her on her terms?" And my mom said "well, fine." It must have occurred to her suddenly that this was the way she was going to leave the world- loose ends.

So, we got a call one evening that she had a agreed to see me with just my husband present. At first I was really upset. Why did she wait until the last minute? So I took my time processing that, but eventually realized I needed to go. I was anxious, of course...this was my abuser after all. Not exactly looking forward to the visit. But there were a lot of people praying and when the time came to go, I felt covered.

When I walked in, I started crying immediately. Not big sobs, just weeping. She started crying as well. She was kind. She asked us about our lives and what we had been up to. She made mention that she didn't know why we had drifted apart or what she had done, but that she was sorry. I didn't take the opportunity to discuss further, just acknowledged that I had already forgiven her and it wasn't something that needed discussion. She told me she was sorry that she wasn't there for me for the loss of my babies- that she should have been there for me. That was really hard for me to hear because I SO needed a mom during all of that.

It was very hard to see her in that state. A shriveled up version of herself. Skin and bones. She still had her nails painted nicely- appearance was always something that was very important to her.

It was a very surreal interaction. On one hand, I was very aware that this is the person who abused and bullied me for years- even recently. I was aware that I was interacting with a Borderline, and I could easily spot the borderline behaviors- yet, I was not triggered. She was on her best behavior and for that I am very grateful. Who knows how long it would have taken me to recover from that. We left after an hour because we had to pick up our daughter and get her to bed. I left feeling grateful for the interaction, knowing that I had been completely covered. That God had somehow taken over and she was not . It felt like a "supervised" visit, if you will. She was on er best behavior.

We visited two more times after that, and brought  our daughter to see her was when she was 18 months old. DD was excited to meet her and my mom just soaked it up. My mom did bring up some " off limit topics" but I manouvered around them. After that I felt like that was more than enough goodbyes for me and we didn't go back. It wasn't long after that that she passed away.

The funeral was...interesting. It was strange having people speak of her as such a wonderful person, when I had experienced much of the opposite. My mom wasnt all bad, of course she did good and nice things too. Of course, I didn't expect people to speak badly of her at her own funeral. It was odd to hear my sister give a eulogy basically saying that she likes how much she is like our mother. One of my brothers, as well as my brother in law avoided my husband and I like the plague- which I anticipated. It was ...interesting.

I have struggled throughout these last few months to keep perspective. Knowing and anticipating dealing with my FOO (Family of Origin) was less than appealing, and on a bad day, fairly anxiety inducing. I felt so tired in myself. No strength to muster. I was sorely lacking patience with my persistent family who fails to give me the space I so desire to grieve in the way that is appropriate for me. I can't count how many times I've wanted to say "I just want to be done dealing with them. They are obnoxious, mean, and unpleasant." This attitude really didn't help me persevere.  It didn't help that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and just in general, had no extra energy for stuff like this.

So, what have I learned hindsight? There are certain things that are unavoidable. I was not afforded the luxury of leaning on my own strength because I had none left! Thankfulness in who God is changes the atmosphere from one of overwhelm to joyfully waiting for His provision. This is hard...I'm not gonna lie. It is very difficult to be thankful when you are dealing with things you very much dislike.

I also got to put into practice some of the skills I've been learning over the last two years- distress tolerance, accepting that other people will view me how they want to and it CAN have absolutely no affect on how I view or feel about myself. I can assert myself and be confident in my decisions even when others do not like those decisions. Not the most fun...let me tell you. But necessary.